Posted tagged ‘BP jokes’

A whole of lot of bad sports

July 27, 2010

President Obama will appear on “the View” Thursday. And he thought he had a hard time getting a word in edgewise with Joe Biden….

On Monday, Despite rumors that BP CEO Tony Hayward was on his way out, a company spokesman said “Tony Hayward remains our chief executive and has the full support of the board and senior management.” Guess the translation was- “We’re still working out the severance package.”

Two former University of Memphis basketball players were arrested this weekend, after a routine traffic stop showed the driver had a suspended license, and police found both marijuana and a loaded gun in the car. Say what you want about the Memphis program, but they do seem to produce players who are NBA ready.

Dallas Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant basically refused to take part in the team’s regular hazing ritual of carrying a veteran’s shoulder pads after practice, and said he is “focusing on catching passes, not rookie rituals.”

Well, we don’t know how he’ll do with catching passes, but he’s done a nice job of painting a bullseye on his own back.

The Cincinnati Bengals are apparently trying to work out a contract with Terrell Owens to have him join Chad Ochocino on the team. One of the potential sticking points…. would T.O. and Ochocino together put the Bengals over the NFL’s ego cap

The Tigers’ Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen just joined the team’s already packed disabled list. Disappointed Detroit sports fans are thinking, well, it’s almost football season. Er, scratch that, when does the NHL start?

How expensive have California politics become? Even billionaire Jeff Greene had to move out of state and switch parties to run for the Senate. (Greene ran for Congress as a Republican in 1982, but moved out of state two years ago and is now running as a Democrat in Florida.)

Continental Airlines is testing “self-boarding” at Houston airport, whereby passengers just swipe a boarding pass at a kiosk and get on the plane without dealing with a human agent. And given the travel manners of the average American, what could possibly go wrong?

British Airways is going to set up the “first sustainable jet-fuel plant in Europe.” The plant will actually make fuel out of waste, including leftover uneaten and/or inedible food. Well, they won’t have any problem finding plenty of that in England.

Here we go again. Now in Philadelphia two Drexel University basketball players are facing armed robbery charges. If these student athletes wanted to make money in college so badly, why didn’t they just go to USC?

Barry Zito, $18 million a year, and at least a mediocre quality start tonight, Aaron Rowand, $12 million a year and an actual (fan-aided) homerun plus a single. Edgar Renteria, $9 million a year….and 0-5 with 3 strikeouts. Well, two out of three ain’t as bad as usual.

Howard Dean charged Fox News with being racist. Not so, replied a Fox News spokesman, We aren’t racist, we hate all liberals equally.

Tea Party members are fond of saying “Taxation is theft.” So when do they start refusing all government benefits as gifts of stolen property?


Random silliness..

July 19, 2010

Okay, baseball fans, replays show that the SF Giants SHOULD have won Sunday’s game against the New York Mets, as with a 3-3 score, Travis Ishikawa slid in safely at home and was called ou in the bottom of the ninth.

The Giants lost to the Mets 4-3 in the ninth. On the other hand, going 1 for 15 with men in scoring position doesn’t exactly give the Giants a lot of moral high ground.

Justin Bieber’s “Baby” is now the most viewed “YouTube” video of all-time. Many parents of his fans are asking “So who is Justin Bieber?” Others are asking “What is YouTube?”

How weak are some of Canadian teenage heart-throb’s Justin Bieber’s vocals? Some early fans are actually replacing him on their iPods with Celene Dion.

Stupidest injury award of the week? A.J. Burnett, for hurting his hands by hitting clubhouse doors? Or Serena Williams, for cutting the bottom of her foot on broken glass at a restaurant? (Whatever happened to “no shoes, no shirt, no service?”)

Now that the TLC show “Jon and Kate plus 8,” is poised to become “Kate Plus 8,” there’s still a hangup over child labor laws. Because while the six year old sextuplets have Pennsylania work permit, national law says they should be seven to be on camera.

On the other hand, the government may figure, how can being on camera be any more detrimental to the children than being having Jon and Kate for parents?

The Tea Party movement isn’t necessarily racist. But these days you’re about as likely to see an African-American at a Tea Party rally as someone wearing a LeBron James jersey in Cleveland.

Actual tweet today from Sarah Palin -“Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn’t it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate.” Wonder how long it might take to see a follow up tweet – “All English-speaking Republicans, pls “refudiate’ Sarah Palin?”

Americans like to think we are one of the most progressive countries on Earth. But Argentina just legalized gay marriage, and Australia has a new prime minister who is a 48 year-old childless-by-choice atheist. And while Julia Gillard is straight she is not married to the man she has lived with for years. It could happen here? Right.

Of course, who would have given odds several years ago that the Clintons would be together to celebrate Chelsea’s wedding, and John Edwards and Al Gore would be heading for divorce.

Despite some rumors to the contrary, BP has announced they have finally successfully capped the oil spill. And FEMA responded “what spill?”

Regarding those rumors that there is some seepage from BP’s oil well cap. Somewhere Richard Nixon is muttering to himself “You idiots can’t stop ONE stupid leak?”

This just in, Paul the Octupus says “Who the heck is Louis Oosthuizen?”

Although the best thing about Louis Oosthuizen’s British Open win? It’s a South African sports story without any vuvuzelas.

Oil and other leaks.

July 16, 2010

BP says that at this point there is no more oil flowing into the Gulf. Isn’t this like Tiger Woods telling Elin last Thanksgiving that there were no more women?

Much of the world is hoping against hope that this latest fix attempt does indeed mean an end to the nonstop oil spill. Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to a time where the most disgusting leak of the week was taken by Ben Roethlisberger on a golf course?

In California, Meg Whitman is spending $150 million to try to win the Governor’s race in a nearly bankrupt state. Now a team led by Joe Lacob and Peter Guber is spending $450 million to buy the Golden State Warriors, a team that won 26 games last year. Are Californians the worst shoppers in the world or what?

Actually, the new Warriors ownership group outbid Larry Ellison. I guess at some point that Ellison figured, “well, heck, for that amount of money I could buy the governorship of California three times.

Tiger Woods is using a new putter at the British Open, for the first time since 1999. And he has been catching some flak in the media for having been more faithful to his old putter than to his soon to be ex-wife Elin. In Tiger’s defense, however, he says he has been a lot more successful scoring with his putter.

Now it looks like Apple execs, including Steve Jobs, knew about the antenna problem and released the iPhone 4G anyway. Note to Apple, when a large part of your brand is “We’re not Microsoft,” it’s probably a good idea not to act like Microsoft

An 18th century ship hull has apparently been found at the World Trade Center site. The find is historically important on many levels, not least of which is that it may contain initials carved into the wood by Ensign John McCain.

Latest potential Mel Gibson movie sequel? “What Women DON’T Want.”

Okay, how slow a news day was Thursday on This was an actual headline – “Favre remains undecided about return.” Tune in tomorrow when no doubt they will follow with the headlines saying “Yankees will spend what it takes to win,” and “Tiger declines to answer questions about his personal life.”

At this point signing up to be Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer is like signing up to be BP’s public relations agency.

The “They REALLY don’t get it” award for the year has to go to the Vatican for their latest decree intended to make it easier to prosecute abusive priests. The Church included a provision that made the “attempted ordination” of women a “grave offence” on a par with the sex abuse of minors.

George Steinbrenner has only been dead for a few days, but says my friend Bill Littlejohn, “Already all of the ‘Angels in the Outfield’ have been traded.”

Last Golfer Standing?

June 21, 2010

At Pebble Beach, Northern Ireland’s Graeme McDowell was first, France’s Gregory Havret was second, and South Africa’s Ernie Els was first. Who’d a thunk that this week Americans might have had a better week at the World Cup than our own U.S. Open?

If they make a documentary about this year’s U.S. Open, will it be titled “Last Golfer Standing?”

Golf may not be the world’s most exciting spectator sport. But it has some good points. And maybe this week one stands out. Two words – “NO VUVUZELAS.”

The Florida Marlins and Tampa Rays complained mightily after a free mini-vuvuzela giveaway in Miami meant that players from both teams and umpires had to wear earplugs, and they still couldn’t have conversations on the field and in the dugout. But Marlins management apparently hadn’t anticipated any problems.

Even BP executives said, how could you not see that coming?

A question for Texas congressman, Joe Barton, who apologized to BP. Would he have made the same apology if say, the disaster had been an out-of-control major fire started at a solar energy plant?

Poor Dustin Johnson, the Saturday leader, shot 11 over par in the final round of the U.S. Open. That’s the worst performance by a professional athlete on Sunday in recent memory. Well, not involving JaMarcus Russell

So football has a computer-generated yellow line on television for years, so viewers can see where a team needs to go to get a first down. How hard would it be for golf to put a yellow ring around the cup, so viewers can actually see where a player is aiming?

You figure Kobe Bryant had to be rooting for Tiger Woods, especially after Tiger shot a 66 to move into contention. Because then at least Kobe wouldn’t be a slam dunk for the award for the biggest jerk to win a championship this week.

Actually, maybe we should feel sorry for Tiger. What if sex for him really was a performance enhancing drug?

After striker Nicolas Anelka’s was expelled from the team and sent home for a tantrum, the rest of the French team refused to practice Sunday. Wonder why his teammates were so upset, they are likely to be following him back to France very shortly

Well, as long as the NBA playoffs go, at least we have reason to think they won’t extend any longer into June in future. Because then they would conflict with the busiest day of the year for NBA players – Father’s Day.

Well, it’s not on the level of BP’s public relations disasters, but…. British Airway’s “UNITE” cabin crew has staged a series of strikes this year that have caused travel nightmares for thousands. During the most recent strike, however, union leader Tony Woodley took his own vacation with his wife to Cyprus. He flew EasyJet..

World Cup, golf cups, etc.

June 20, 2010

Americans are fond of complaining how boring it is to watch soccer. Although that statement might carry more weight when it’s not said during the weekend of the U.S. Open Golf tournament.

So let’s see, BP’s chairman refers to Gulf residents as “small people,” BP’s CEO’s takes a day off to watch his $50 million yacht in a fancy yacht race. What’s next? Presume that BP will be sending hungry locals a month’s supply of cake.

BP’s Chairman is actually defending his “small people” line by claiming that as a Swede he had difficulty saying what he meant in English. What, are ABBA’s translators no longer available?

It really does defy belief that Tony Hayward, whose company may do more damage to the ocean than any other, would appear in public watching an ocean yacht race…. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, it’s like rooting for Tiger Woods on Father’s Day.

A new study shows that “fans who feel personally invested in a team or, better yet, who attend games and cheer along with like-minded fans, reap the mental health benefits that come from a feeling of social connectedness.” Finally, an explanation of what keeps Chicago Cubs (and Toronto Maple Leafs fans from being suicidal.

A tradition at PNC Park in Pittsburgh is a “pierogi race” between innings. (A Pierogi is a European stuffed dumpling.) But, one of the men who was employed as a “racing pierogies” was fired by the team for making disparaging comments about the team on Facebook. Guess this was cheaper for the Pirates than actually fielding a team the piergoies wouldn’t disparage.

Yes the Lakers won the NBA championship and the Yankees are back in first place. But on the other hand, the first team through into the second round of the the World Cup was… Denmark? And TCU in their first College World Series beat Florida State 8-1.

In the latest World Cup news, one of the stars of the French team Nicolas Anelka (yeah, I didn’t recognize the name either), has been thrown off the team after getting into an argument with his coach. Which based on France’s performance so far, means he probably just will be getting home a few days ahead of his teammates.

Truth and rumors?

June 16, 2010

The “Star” magazine claims that Al Gore has been having an affair with comedian Larry David’s ex-wife Laurie. If true, I guess Al just couldn’t curb his enthusiasm.

Pete Carroll is complaining about the sanctions imposed upon USC and denied he left the university to escape imminent penalties, saying, since it’s been a five-year investigation – “Why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Uh, Pete, because maybe anyone following it knew that investigation was about to be concluded this year?

Or the other answer to “why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Presumably that would be, like apparently some of his recruits, Carroll was holding out for the highest bidder.

Oil executives testifying in Washington Tuesday labeled the BP oil spill a “rare event that has little chance of reoccurring.” Yeah, well the same thing applies to a potential missed call at the end of a perfect game. But that kind of mistake only damages the record books, not the economies of several states and an ecosystem.

Near Cincinnati, Ohio, “Touchdown Jesus”, a six-story-tall status of Jesus with his arms raised, burned to the ground during a recent thunderstorm. Could it be a sign that BYU and Utah deserve more BCS consideration?-

The government is considering banning peanuts on planes. Great, one more thing to put in a TSA plastic bag. M and Ms, so security can make sure they are the “Plain” kind

Apparently the New Zealand – Slovakia match was so uninspiring to fans in the stadium that they put down their vuvuzelas at times in favor of just doing the wave. Which means that both teams just picked up a whole lot of international supporters.

Looks like the Celtics really mailed it in tonight. Fans who tuned in thought they were watching a repeat of the regular season.

Boston’s 67 points were the lowest scoring total in their long NBA finals history. What championship do they think they are playing for, the World Cup?

For any Canadian readers, The University of Waterloo (Ontario) suspended its football team for an entire year. Apparently so many players tested positive for steroids that they called it that they called it the “most significant doping issue” in the history of Canadian university sports.

I can see the Toronto Argonauts marketing campaign now – “Come watch the only guaranteed steroid free team in Canada.”

(note to non-Canadian readers, for Argonauts substitute Detroit Lions or some equally lousy NFL team.)

From Wendell Potter about the demise of “Touchdown Jesus” in Ohio – “Doesn’t it tell you something when a statue of Jesus is hit by lightning but the Gay Pride parades all went off without a hitch?”

It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-

Knuckling down to business.

June 14, 2010

Congratulations to Tim Wakefield, who has just become one of the very few pitchers in modern history to pitch over 3000 innings.

Added all together, that would be a total of over 330 complete games. And in all those innings, at least a dozen pitches that topped 70 mph.

Years ago, Randy Johnson threw a pitch that killed a bird. A little known story is that Wakefield also hit a bird with a pitch. Said bird is still telling the story to his grandchildren.

How slow does knuckleballer Tim Wakefield throw? Put it this way, he threw one pitch, and was called for delay of game before it reached the batter.

As hitting coach Charlie Lau once said, however, “there are two theories of hitting a knuckleball. Neither one works.”

On the other hand, in those 3,000 innings, how many catchers has Wakefield pushed towards being alcoholics?

Big 12 theme song – Almost all my ex’s live in Texas?

Vince Young this weekend joined an increasingly long line of NFL players who made the news other than on the sports page by getting arrested for an altercation outside a strip club.

So the question, since the term “cautionary tale” doesn’t seem to apply….does the NFL need better helmets? Or is this just testosterone poisoning?

At this point, fans of the long-running but recently cancelled show may be able to look forward to “Law and Order – NFL edition.”

Although at the college level… Florida State sophomore wide receiver Frankie Hammond, Jr, 20, was arrested this weekend. Hammond was pulled over for an alleged DUI, going 45 in a 20 zone, swerving, and driving with two open bottles of whiskey in his car.

Well, with or without Bobby Bowden looks like it’s still Felony Stupidity University.

After the USA team played English to that 1-1 tie June 12, their next game is now…June 18? Who do these World Cup schedulers think they are, the NBA?

Thanks in part to a marquee England-USA match, millions of Americans are watching their first World Cup on televison. And thanks to the “vuvuzelas,” millions of Americans have also discovered how to work their “mute” buttons.

A World Cup television question? How do you close caption a “vuvuzela?

Jimmy Dean, the sausage king, died at the age of 81. In his honor, for the next week at Denny’s all Grand Slam breakfasts will be served with a moment of silence.

The NBA finals and the Tonys have something in common. In both you are likely to get rewarded for great acting.

President Obama apparently will make a major address about the oil spill in the Gulf after he visits the area Tuesday. David Axelrod says, however, that Obama’s “not going to make any judgments about the soul of BP execs.” Makes sense, at this point nobody’s sure if any of them have one.

And on a not so cheery final note, should we be worried that the initials BP also stand for “bankruptcy protection?”

Losses and other Imperfections

June 7, 2010

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Armando Galarraga’s sportsmanship and said on his weekly TV/radio program “Everyone knows he pitched a perfect game.”

Congratulations to Bud Selig. It takes some work to cede the moral high ground to Hugo Chavez.

John Wooden said “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” Was there ever a truer example of that than this week? Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce more than rose to the occasion, and Bud Selig was, well, Bud Selig.

The way Los Angeles fans are going on about the officiating in game 2, I have to hope Jim Joyce isn’t ever umping at first on the off-chance some Dodger gets close to a perfect game. They would burn the stadium to the ground.

But to be fair for Lakers fans, I guess it’s really easy to get upset over a game you think you should have won, when it’s been a whole year since you last won a championship.

The Milwaukee Brewers bullpen has blown over half their save opportunities this year. At this point they’re doing such a bad job of throwing oil on troubled waters they may be sponsored by BP.

But over in San Francisco, is it somewhere buried in Brian Wilson’s contract that he is not allowed to throw a 1-2-3 ninth inning?

For that matter, while I’m ranting. Since Todd Wellemeyer’s ERA is now over 10 on the road, here’s a few suggestions the next time his turn is up.

1. Forfeit the game and give the rest of the lineup a day off. This will at least have the team rested and ready for the next game.

2. Pick a random bullpen guy to start and let him and the pen pitch by committee.

3. Bring up any random AAA or AA guy for a start. How much worse can they be?

This is just a great story. From the not always so conservative South, as reported in Florida Today:

Pensacola, Florida home of the Brevard County Manatees, has already had oil washing up on its shore. And the Manatees are not happy.

So the team (a Class A affiliate of the Brewers) has announced they are changing the name of batting practice, usually known as “BP,” to “hitting rehearsal.”

Meanwhile as we approach the primary vote in California:

Republican Gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner’s latest effort to court conservatives – “Being a dad has taught me why exactly gay marriage is wrong. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of kids having a mom and a dad.”

I wonder if Poizner took time out of his busy schedule today to wish the childless Rush Limbaugh congratulations on his fourth marriage.

And his opponent, Meg Whitman, the $100 million candidate, says her complete lack of political experience and connections makes her the best person to run the state.

Just wondering, if Whitman were still on the board of EBay and they needed to hire a new CEO, how would she feel about hiring someone who bragged, “I can run this company better than anyone else because I have absolutely no business training or work experience.”

Lakers – Celtics – “The haves vs. the haves.”

June 4, 2010

Or perhaps the other motto for this NBA finals “Cinderella has left the building.

In Washington D.C. to accept an award at the Library of Congress, Paul McCartney quipped “It’s nice to have a president again who knows what a library is.” Probably just as well though that Sir Paul didn’t ask the 48 year old Obama if he knew about the Beatles.

Luckiest athlete as far as avoiding embarrassment this week? Serena Williams. How often does a number one ranked athlete in the world get upset at a major event, and it’s not even the top story on Sportscenter?

The sports world is still buzzing about Jim Joyce’s mistake at first base last night. It might be the most famous blown call in history. Or at least since when Bill Clinton was talking on the phone in the Oval Office while being serviced by Monica.

Give Jim Joyce a lot of credit. He admitted making a mistake a lot faster than anyone connected with BP.

Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga actually are turning out to be one of the classier sports stories of the year. As opposed to this one.

Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, already under fire for accepting free Lakers tickets, nonetheless went to the opening game of the finals. As reported in the Los Angeles Times:

“I am going to the Lakers game tonight,”he said. “And I’ve made it very clear, as I understand the rules and regulations, it is not a reportable gift when I am in an official capacity. I will be going tonight in an official capacity.”

Can’t imagine how the Lakers did it without him.

And commissioner Bud Selig is apparently not going to reverse the bad call that denied Armando Galarraga a perfect game. But he should. It was the most embarrassing sports story to come out of Detroit in recent memory, well, not involving the Detroit Lions.

A T and T is eliminating unlimited data plans for their smartphones. So customers who want to stay in touch with friends may have to actually use the phones to make calls.

From Bill Littlejohn: Jose Canseco says that he could’ve been a professional bowler.I don’t know about that–he’s always had trouble staying out of the gutter”

Naptime is now any time for Junior.

June 3, 2010

Ken Griffey, Jr, 40, announced his retirement today from Major League Baseball. And Jamie Moyer, 48, commented “So young?”


Ken Griffey. Jr. 40, just announced his retirement. So far this season he was batting .184 with no home runs and seven RBIs. But considering his age and stats, it won’t be long until he gets an offer from the San Francisco Giants.

Reader Gary Morton commented on the Giants’ not trying to sign Dontrelle Willis, he of the latest $12 million disappointing contract “Of course they wouldn’t try to sign Willis – he can hit.”

(and yes, Dontrelle Willis, whatever his faults has long been considered one of the best hitting pitchers in Major League Baseball.)

The Tigers’ Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game Wednesday night, except for the umpire’s admitted error in calling the batter safe at first with two outs in the ninth.

It was the worst call in Detroit history, well, at least since GM decided to build the Chevy Vega.

This could go down in history as Major League Baseball’s first “28 up-28 down” perfect game.

Give first-base umpire Jim Joyce some credit, however, for manning up and saying “I just cost that kid a perfect game.”

There were 20 perfect games in history before tonight. Wonder if there’s been 20 times an umpire said “I made a mistake?”

Another day, another problem with BP’s equipment and their efforts to cap their damaged oil well. Maybe they shouldn’t be buying all this stuff from ACME corporation.

(Says Alex Kaseberg in a “great minds” – BP is starting to make Wil E. Coyote look like a genius)

Just wondering, if we waterboard terrorists to get the answers that might save our country, how long until someone suggests “oilboarding” executives at BP?

Now Serena is out of the French Open. This has turned out to be the year that Americans in Paris have fallen faster than “Drill Baby Drill” signs now in Louisiana.

An Alaska newspaper has warned writer Joe McGinniss that Sarah Palin has a right to shoot to protect her property. But does any politcial reporter really need to be told that someone who wanted to be a Republican vice-president has a gun and is not afraid to use it?

So, no more “winning one for the Tipper.”

June 2, 2010

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. Okay, who’d a thunk this? The longest married American political couple, without any divorce history, might end up being Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Al and Tipper Gore say their separation is amicable and there is no affair involved. Makes sense, the cheating Al has likely been doing is on his diet.

For the Gores’ sakes let’s hope it’s just that the couple has grown apart, and that the tabloids won’t soon be full of “Inconvenient Truths.”

And if the separation comes to divorce, Al in particular will want to settle this by mediation. He doesn’t have a good history with the courts.

Ah for the good old days, when the biggest post-Katrina disaster story out of Louisiana was JaMarcus Russell.

The offensively-challenged San Francisco Giants scored one run tonight in 11 innings, while the Philadelphia Phillies have been shut out five times in the last ten games. What do they think this is, the World Cup?

The Giants and Phillies have also actually both won 1-0 games in the past week. If these two teams played each other, it might have to be decided by penalty kicks.

The World Cup will actually be starting late next week. Although most Americans are likely to ignore it. Sort of like any golf tournament without Tiger.

Latest give-away promotion idea at A T and T Park – Orange and black paper bag night. And during the game fans can watch to see if the Giants can hit their way out of one.

Dontrelle Willis was traded with cash by the Detroit Tigers to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Willis had been a huge disappointment for the Tigers, who had given him a 3 year $29 million contract extension, for a 2-8 overall mark and an ERA near 7.

One question, how did Dontrelle ever sign such a deal with Detroit and not Brian Sabean?

Star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom decided not to retire at the age of 40, and signed a one year contract with the Detroit Red Wings at a “slight” paycut from $7.5 to $6.2 million.

Guess it seemed only appropriate for him to give the team a senior discount.

Long-suffering fans of the Chicago Blackhawks, now up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup finals, have not seen their team win the NHL championship since 1961. 49 years!

“Wimps” – responded Cubs fans.

Here’s the pitch

June 1, 2010

Ubaldo Jiminez outdueled Tim Lincecum Monday afternoon in San Francisco in a 4-0 Rockies win. But to be fair, Lincecum didn’t have the advantage of pitching against the Giants lineup.

On Tuesday June 1, the Florida Marlins will sell unused tickets to the game in which the Roy Halladay of the Phillies pitched a perfect game, a 1-0 victory over the Marlins on May 30.

While I sympathize with the team’s desire to make money, doesn’t that cheapen it for the hundreds of people who were actually there?

The Nationals have announced that highly touted prospect Stephen Strasburg will make his first start in Washington June 8 against the Pittsburg Pirates. Disappointing all those who wanted to see his debut against major league pitching.

As the Celtics prepare to meet the Lakers in the NBA finals, some people think that the team mailed it in for much of the regular season. Not saying there’s any truth to that, but Boston was named the official team of the U.S. Post Office.

Senator David Vitter from Louisiana says he still supports off-shore oil drilling, despite the BP disaster, because otherwise every time there is a plane crash, we should “oppose air travel.” Last time I checked, however, plane crashes, while awful, don’t spread wreckage over several states and potentially destroy ecosystems.

Vitter, you may remember, is the congressman who was caught in a prostitution scandal both in New Orleans and in Washington. How embarrassing. Many of the prostitutes involved are now ashamed to have been with someone who’s such a whore for BP.

One of those “TMI” subplots with Vitter’s prostitution scandal was that the congressman had a bit of a diaper fetish. Wonder if he’s thinking diapers now might help stop the oil leaks.

Celene Dion is apparently pregnant with twins. Assuming a healthy and successful pregnancy she plans to take some time off from singing. Which means good wishes are flowing in from all over the world.

from Marc Ragovin:

So we just celebrated Memorial Day, which is the unofficial start of summer. And the official end of the Pirates’ season.

and from Bill Littlejohn:

On the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey being selected to host the first cold weather outdoor Super Bowl: “The halftime show will be performed by Vanilla Ice.’’

(I’ve got to think that with the probable freezing temperatures, all any woman performance will need is to go bra-less for a “wardrobe malfunction.”)

BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

May 30, 2010

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.

Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

BP – Beyond Prevarication.

May 29, 2010

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”

This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

NBA playoff thrillers and other fantasies…

May 20, 2010

Not to say these NBA playoff games have largely been lopsided and uninteresting, but there was a heck of a lot more drama in the draft ping-pong balls.

The NBA teases fans all year with the promise that despite often lackluster and disappointing regular season performances, that more exciting things are to come when the post season arrives. And then when the post season starts out equally disappointing, that the NEXT round will be better. Who’s sponsoring this league anyway? Microsoft?

So the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Suns 124-112 to go up 2-0 in their NBA Western Conference Finals. But the Suns have a strategy for when game three returns to Phoenix. They’ll just tell local police that Kobe Bryant was really born in Kenya.

Looks like the Orlando Magic will last in the playoffs about as long as a $20 bill lasts at Disney World.

Bristol Palin is hitting the lecture circuit, with a speaking fee of up to $30,000 per appearance. Her topic? “How being an unwed mother can keep you from having a profitable career.”

PETA is paying Nayda Suleman to have a plastic sign in her front lawm that reads: “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” – The organization also is offering Suleman a free month’s supply of veggie dogs and burgers, and has offered to pay for spaying HER.

Recent polls show a tightening race in the California gubernatorial primary. Which some pundits say could mean more mudslinging. More mud? As anyone who watches television in California will tell you, isn’t that at this point like BP spilling more oil.

The inventor of the ATM machine, John Shepherd-Barron, just died. His funeral will be free and open to the public, however, for non-members of his church, your regular place of worship may charge you for attending.

Meg Whitman’s 50-point lead over Steve Poizner now apparently has dwindled to single digits. Despite the millions Whitman has poured into the race already. Unfortunately for the former CEO of EBAY, this election didn’t have a “Buy It Now” button.

BP apparently told federal regulators that they could handle an oil spill 50 times the size of the one they are currently trying to deal with now. Isn’t it time to change the company name to “Barely Plausible”

Whats the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the San Jose Sharks? At this point, looks like about a week.

A record that will never be broken. Forget DiMaggio’s hitting streak, how about Cy Young’s total victories – 511. To put that in perspective. 511 is more than the Royals had in the past eight full SEASONS. And actually counting what they have so far in 2010, the 8 1/4 year total is 490..

Tubing the Gulf…

May 17, 2010

BP has hooked up a mile-long tube that so far is successfully sucking up some of the oil spill in the gulf. They refer to the tube as the “Monica Lewinsky” pipeline.

Here’s a scary question? What’s going on with BP’s OTHER wells? The ones we haven’t heard about. Of course, I’m sure the company would tell you this was an isolated incident and there’s no chance of anything at their other drilling sites going wrong, wrong, wrong…..

Well, the Preakness stakes is over, and Kentucky Derby winner Super Saver finished a disappointing eighth. But in an example of why horse racing is an under-rated sport, Super Saver was quiet in defeat, not blaming the track, his stable-mates, the officials, etc…

Reader Gary Morton pointed out that no joke series about humans and Neanderthals mating would be complete without Ben Roethlisberger somewhere in the punchline. Well, actually, isn’t he an example of a Neatherthal perhaps trying unsuccessfully to mate with humans?

With all these athletes testing positive for female fertility drugs, isn’t it about time for one of them to endorse a home pregnancy test?

Many fans in the Philadelphia area have jumped on the Flyers bandwagon. Some of them are so excited they may actually watch a game.

And note to new fans who want to talk about the Flyers’ incredibly impressive 6-0 thrashing of the Montreal Canadiens. Yes, it was a great performance, but no missed extra points were involved.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella says he is frustrated with his teams’s record, and expects his Chicago Cubs to live up to their reputations and salaries. I don’t know about salaries, but Lou, have you realized, the Cubs ARE living up to their reputation?.

From Bill Littlejohn: On a visit to Buffalo, President Obama was greeted with a billboard reading “I need a freakin’ job. Yes, times are getting desperate for Terrell Owens.

commie pinko time:

Sarah Palin’s latest is to tell President Obama to “secure our borders.” While we’re at it, maybe Canada could create a “no-fly” zone for crazy people attempting to fly over their country from anywhere up north…like say, Alaska?

Sarah Palin also appeared with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and said “We are all Arizonans.”

Well those of us who with are light-skinned with Causcasian features, and no discernable accent anyway.

Foreign affairs

May 13, 2010

Apparently in an upcoming book, France’s first lady Carla Bruni claims her sex life has suffered because her husband, President Nicolas Sarkozy, is too busy with his job to attend to her needs. In related news, Bill Clinton has offered to accompany Hillary on her next diplomatic mission to Paris.

While I like President Obama, in some ways I miss the simple days of Bill Clinton’s presidency. The economy was great, the U.S. wasn’t at war, and the most devastating spill in the country was on a blue dress.

After four playoff games againsts the Montreal Canadiens, the Pittsburgh Penguins looked like Stanley Cup Champions. After seven games they looked like the San Jose Sharks.

Following the lead of Arizona, the state of Pennsylvania has declared war on immigrants. Specifically those from Canada

This was the worst Penguin performance since Carla’s husband was run over by that Zamboni. (This joke will make sense to old “Cheers” fans only.)

A Texas high school may have to forfeit their entire season, and a 22-year-old man is in jail, after he posed as a 16-year-old to play basketball. How do teachers tell if a kid might be older than he looks? One thought – if after having sex he drives himself home.

Arizona’s governor has signed a bill prohibiting classes to be taught that are designed for any particular group. Which means members of U of A’s and ASU’s football teams will have to scramble to find a substitute for “underwater basketweaving.”

So Lawrence Taylor’s current defense against rape charges with a 16 year old girl is that he simply “pleasured himself” while she was in the room. And Taylor’s wife then added that she knew her husband’s tastes regarding appearance and “activities”, and the teen “had nothing to offer him.”

Even Mark Sanford is going “TMI.”

How bad is BP looking in this oil spill? Some children of oil company executives are now lying at school and saying their fathers are lawyers.

No clean sweeps..

May 7, 2010

No clean sweep for the Conservative party in the British elections; the results indicate that the government may be headed for complete gridlock. On the bright side the English people have just been named honorary Californians.

Detroit Red Wings fans threw plenty of dead octopuses (octopi) on the ice to celebrate their team’s 7 to 1 victory over San Jose. And there weren’t really any signs of life from all the Sharks on the ice either.

Senator Joe Lieberman was quoted as saying about the BP oil spill – “Accidents happen.” Tell me about it, said Al Gore when asked about the man he chose as his running mate.

If “Greece” is the word, today on Wall Street it’s a four letter one.

So part of the 1,000 point (before rebound) crash Thursday may have been caused by a trader typing $16 billion rather than $16 million…

$16 billion instead of $16 million? Who makes that kind of error?. Except maybe the Yankees working out their payroll.

Or Larry Ellison approving expenses for his next America’s cup race.

Or for the commie pinko crowd – the Pentagon, with the cost of their latest wish list.

The trader who allegedly made the “m” to “b” error allegedly works at Citigroup. Citi’s motto has been “Citi never sleeps.” Sounds like maybe some naps wouldn’t hurt.

-if you’re not following California politics the next two may not make sense-

Sarah Palin today endorsed Carly Fiorina in the California Republican Senate primary. Which could be great news – for Tom Campbell.

Some Tea-Partiers are upset by the fact that Palin picked Fiorina as opposed to the potentially even more conservation Chuck Devore.

But I believe her choice can be summed up with a simple phrase “Birdbrains of a feather..”

A joint joke with my very talented friend Jerry Perisho: Cinco de Mayo celebrates a Mexican army victory over the French in 1862. But had the victory been a day later, we’d be celebrating “Sexto de Mayo.” It would have been Bill Clinton’s favorite holiday

Hall of Fame pitcher Robin Roberts died at the age of 83. He holds the record for the most total home runs surrendered – 505. Just imagine what that total would be if he pitched at the new Yankee Stadium.

Roberts was a modest unassuming man, in fact he gave credit for a lot of his success to tips he’d gotten from his teammate Jamie Moyer.

One I wish I had written from Marc Ragovin : The Phillies new slogan?: “Citizens Bank Park: Come Feel The Electricity”

Unpopularity contest?

May 4, 2010

Who’s going to be less popular? Any Arizona legislator at Cinco de Mayo? Or any BP executive at Mardi Gras?

One of many soundbites of the day, Bill Kristol saying, offshore drilling is “very environmentally clean, except when there is a disaster like the spill.” Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how did you like Dallas?

(or for those who still find a JFK reference too soon. Other than that Mr. Buckner, how did you enjoy the World Series?)

Kind of bizarre in the midst of this immigration issue, the Phoenix Suns are having an improbably good showing in the playoffs right now, led by a guy who came here first on a student visa from Canada.

(Steve Nash, for all non NBA fans.)

According to the Alabama Press-Register, BP was circulating waivers to coastal Alabama residents that would provide them with payments up to $5000 in exchange for giving up the right to sue over the oil spill. If true, perhaps BP should change the P in their name from Petroleum to a plural noun not appropriate for a general and potentially family audience on a blog.

A 17 year old Phillies fan was tasered when he ran onto the field. While some think that was too drastic, the police could have inflicted more severe pain – they could have driven him an hour and a half south and make him sit through a week of Orioles game.

silly but very funny joke from Alex Kaseberg – Turkish scientists claim they have found the remains of Noah’s ark on top of Mt. Ararat. In fact, they may even have the transcript of the last comment from Noah’s wife, Nammah. She said: “Bad news, Noah, I think the male unicorn is gay.”

Former Georgia quarterback Zach Mettenberger, who was battling for a starting job until his arrest for a incident at a bar last month, pled guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual battery.

Mettenberger, a red-shirt freshman, has been kicked off the team, but according to he will apparently visit Cincinnati and Louisville next month, where he could have up to three years eligibility.

Or he could go right to Pittsburgh and understudy with Ben Roethlisberger.

Conservative David Cameron, current Labour PM Gordon Brown, and Liberal Democrat Nick Clegg are all running to be the next Prime Minister of Britain. In case we in the U.S. think we have a monopoly on childish political behavior, two years ago Mr. Cameron was asked for a political joke. His reply “Nick Clegg.”

Tiger in the Tank.

May 2, 2010

Rory McIlroy won his first PGA tournament today, at the age of 20. Just how young is that? When he was born, Tiger Woods was still trying to pickup girls in the sandbox.

McIlroy went 5 under for the last five holes and set a course record on Sunday at Quail Hollow. Of course, with Woods missing the cut (and the televised rounds), the reaction of most Americans became “oh, was there a golf tournament this weekend?”

In her debate with Steve Poizner, California gubernatorial Meg Whitman apologized for her poor voting record, then added “But I tell you, I’m 100 percent engaged now.” Isn’t that a bit like Tiger Woods saying he is now 100 percent committed to his family?

Quote from runner-up Phil Mickelson “I’ve got to congratulate Rory, he played some incredible golf. He’s an amazing talent. He is some kind of player.” For some reason, no one can remember Tiger Woods saying quite the same thing upon a second place finish.

Zack Greinke of the Kansas City Royals is 0-3 with a 2.27 ERA. This might be the worst case of non-support since Pamela Anderson put on a training bra.

BP is running out of ideas to fix their colossal mess in the Gulf. Here’s one – put the oil slick on NBC primetime, it will be gone in no time.

The BP oil rig disaster is dominating the headlines, to the dismay of all Americans. Well, except for those working for Goldman Sachs or Toyota.-

A former New Orleans Saints employee is alleging Coach Sean Payton stole and used Vicodin from the team’s supply. Now why would the coach of the Saints last year need Vicodin? Coaching staff on the Redskins, Buccaneers and Lions, maybe.

commie pinko time.

While we don’t know for sure if the 40 year old white man caught on video changing his shirt turns out to be the Times Square wannabe bomber, part of me really hopes that he was a home-grown anti-government terrorist. Because then maybe some people will start figuring out that incendiary words can have consequences.

And by the way, to any conservatives reading this, I believe incendiary words are bad coming from either side, as witness some of the responses to the immigration bill, and some statements at times from some of the anti-war crowd. And while words may not incite everyone to violence, I think it’s a dangerous political game to play.