Posted tagged ‘Meg Whitman jokes’

The post Skeeter era is not starting out well

August 2, 2016

For the  SFGiants

 

So is ‪#‎Duffcat‬ a voodoo cat? And is he really ticked off @SFGiants traded ‪#‎MattDuffy‬?

Post ‪#‎Skeeter‬ what the Giants may really need is kittens. LOTS of kittens.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ scored twice as many runs for ‪#‎Madbum‬ as they had in his last 3 starts. Unfortunately he allowed as many runs as in last 3 starts

 

Well, looks like the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are getting the same post-trade deadline “bounce” as the ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

UNC has responded to several serious NCAA charges including academic fraud by denying that the NCAA has authority to handle the matter. So are the Tarheels trying to join the SEC?

#‎JohnMcEnroe‬ threw out 1st pitch at Citifield before Yankees Mets game; he , was both fast & accurate. How many teams are bidding to add him to bullpen?

Lebron James says even though he brought a title to Cleveland with the Cavaliers, “My motivation is this ghost I’m chasing, The ghost played in Chicago.” (Michael Jordan.) Uh, Lebron, he’s not dead yet.

Who will regret their decision first – ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬? Or some ‪#‎MLB‬ team who made a major trade at the deadline? ‪#‎toosoon‬?

Dallas Cowboys LB Ronaldo McClain has been suspended for 10 games reportedly for “purple drank” – Sprite, cough syrup and codeine. So wonder if he will claim it was a tainted punch?

An AP review says there is the evidence for flossing is “weak, very unreliable” and “the majority of available studies fail to demonstrate that flossing is generally effective in plaque removal.”
So does that mean we’ve all been just flossing for the fun of it?

More resignations over the DNC email hacks today. But seriously, shouldn’t this be a reminder – you don’t post pictures of your junk, and you don’t put anything you wouldn’t want to see on the front page in an email.

Eric Trump, saying sexual harassment “should be addressed,” But regarding his sister, “Ivanka is a strong, powerful woman, she would not allow herself to be subjected to it,”
Can’t wait to hear the response when someone asks him about rape.

At a speech, @realDonaldTrump called for a crying baby to be removed. And later he fired the person who put the mirror on stage.

Longtime former Chris Christie aide Maria Comella, a Republican, “Donald Trump has been a demagogue this whole time, preying on people’s anxieties with loose information and salacious rhetoric.” She says she will vote for Hillary Clinton, adding that the GOP is “at a moment where silence isn’t an option.”
The Donald is going to have to hire a full-time aide to tell him who to send nasty tweets about.

 

Meg Whitman announced tonight that while she remains a Republican and “I don’t agree with her (Hillary) on very many issues, she would be a much better president than Donald Trump.” So Whitman will vote for, donate to and fund raise for Clinton.

So time to start a pool on which GOP figure will be next?

Seems like we just had ‪#‎4thOfJuly‬ & now it’s “‪#‎BackToSchool‬” sales Can ‪#‎Christmas‬ decorations be far behind?

Errors and omissions.

September 24, 2011

While Rick Perry looked like a rock star a few weeks ago, a series of gaffes and “unforced errors” in debates and on the campaign trail have made many potential GOP supporters stand back and reconsider. And somewhere, the late Molly Ivins, who once dubbed Perry “Governor Goodhair,” is laughing, loudly.

At the University of Pennsylvania, students arrived for the first day of a class scheduled to start at 1:30 p.m. About an hour later, the class was officially cancelled as the students found out the professor had died five months ago. Penn is an Ivy League school. In the SEC, the entire football team would have rushed to sign up.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a contract to write his memoirs, which will be titled “Total Recall.” With the presumed subtitle “Selective Amnesia.”

Hewlett-Packard’s stock has fallen to its lowest level in six years. Apparently investors are worried about the choice of Meg Whitman as CEO. Probably because her last business decision was to spend over $160 million to try to win a job no sane person would want in the first place.

Oops. Authorities now say that the hunter attacked by a grizzly in a Montana forest was killed not by the bear, but by a gunshot fired by a companion trying to save him. Maybe it was a little too soon to return to hunting for Dick Cheney.

Diana Nyad is going to try again to become the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida. Well, officially anyway. Why do I have a feeling that the real record holder is choosing to remain anonymous?


NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman admitted this week that he pretended to be interested in Carl Crawford just to drive up the price for the Boston Red Sox to sign the free agent. If you love the Yankees this story will confirm their winning mentality, If you hate the Yankees this is one more reason to root for the Detroit Tigers to win the pennant.

Kobe Bryant has been offered over $6 million to play for a team in Italy. The offer has to be tempting, Kobe did spend time as a child in Italy. And the country has great jewellers.

The SF Giants’ season ended, fittingly, tonight with an out from Aubrey Huff. (Though a 4-3 grounder would have been more appropriate.) But really, this whole season has been a constant reliance on big money non-performing veterans at the expense of rookies….

From a woman’s point of view it’s been like listening to a friend defend a worthless boyfriend, because she’s spent so much money,time and energy on the relationship already, she’s SURE he will come around.

Hockey joke from my friend Bill Littlejohn:
An Orange County mom is accused of having sex with as many as three youths on her son’s hockey team. Boy, talk about a hat trick.

Top 10 things Meg Whitman could spend her next $150 million on…

November 6, 2010

10. A baseball team.  She may not win, but she’s likely to come closer than the $165 million payroll Chicago Cubs.

9. A new ballot proposition in California – change elections to include a “Buy it Now” button.

8. Just give $5 to every man, woman and child in California on a debit card.  If they all spend locally it could actually help the economy.

7. Hire really good hitman for whichever political consultant told her “don’t worry about your ex-housekeeper,” it’s old news and no one will care.

6. Buy governor’s job in 4 or 5 smaller states and take turns running them.

5. Buy congressmen and women in smaller states and run them that way.

4. 160 million lottery tickets – at least that way she’d be likely to win SOMETHING.

3. Have an autobiography ghost-written, buy up enough copies to be number one on New York Times best seller list.

2.  Go on Craigslist. Make many many attempts at trying to buy a clue.

1. Buy some small island and set herself up as Queen Meg for life.

They’re over….

November 3, 2010

The 2010 baseball season and the 2010 election.

Despite spending  $161 million, including $141 million of her own money, Meg Whitman finally conceded late Tuesday night. She told her supporters that they had been part of something important.

Meg may not be ready to be Governor, but she now might be more than qualified to be GM of the Chicago Cubs. (who spent $161 million, and didn’t even come in second.)

Congrats to California Governor-elect Jerry Brown, on returning to the office after 28 years. There was just one embarassing moment, when Brown called New York Governor-elect Cuomo and said “Can’t wait to work with you again, Mario.”

CNN says that Harry Reid’s victory is a testament to his ground game in Nevada. Really? I thought it was a testament to the fact his opponent was a fruitcake.

And while Democrats and moderates were disappointed with the national results, at least there is one solace – now it’s John Boehner’s turn to herd cats.

Political newcomer Rick Scott spent $73 million of his own money and won the Governor’s race in Florida. Looks like Meg Whitman, for all her Ebay experience, bid on the wrong state.

Christine O’Donnell gave a defiant concession speech tonight in Delaware.  And then accompanied by her flying monkeys she flew home.

Back to baseball, commission Bud Selig wants two more teams in the playoffs because he thinks it would be “more fair.”

Translation, ANYTHING to have the Red Sox, Yankees, Dodgers or Cubs have a better chance to get in and boost television ratings.

The Prop 19 watch party is apparently a calm mellow get-together Tuesday night. Supporters, however, are getting ready for an energetic turnout at the polls on Wednesday.

Meanwhile on November 2, Jamarcus Russell was working out for the Redskins. Isn’t election day in theory when we kick the bums out of Washington?.

The Orlando Magic-New York Knicks game was postponed tonight because asbestos fell from the rafters at Madison Square Garden. Normally the only toxic thing at the Garden is the play of the Knicks.

Great stat from my friend Michael Duca.   Pat Burrell has more World Series rings (2) than World Series hits. (1, none this series.).

This just in from A T and T. Pigs were seen flying around the ballpark.

Meanwhile in Dallas, they still have the Cowboys.

“Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Cowboys.”

October 26, 2010

 

At least not in Dallas these days.

It’s late October, and the SF Giants and Texas Rangers prepare to meet up in the World Series.  After NFL week seven, the  SF 49ers and Dallas Cowboys have something in common too – one win each.

What makes Cowboys fans madder? The fact that Romo hasn’t been that effective and is now out for the season. Or the fact that there is really no way they can blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

Bad officiating may have cost both the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings wins last weekend.  Who do these refs think they are – MLB umpires?

(Actually on a serious note, for fans of instant replay, both mistakes, one on a disputed fumble that the Dolphins appeared to have recovered, and the other on a touchdown the Vikings receiver appeared to have caught, WERE reviewed and were still probably called wrongly. )

Since Benjie Molina played two months with the San Francisco Giants before he was traded to the Texas Rangers, he gets a ring no matter who wins.

Speaking of which, have heard Brett Favre just made another call, to Kobe Bryant for the name of his jeweler.

Question of the day. If most sports fans agree that “good pitching beats good hitting,” why is everyone so shocked that the Phillies batted .216 in the NLCS?

A-Rod was apparently been partying with Lebron James down in Miami. Well, makes sense they should be palling around – the Yankees are out and the Heat are playing preseason games. Hard to tell which of them has been more irrelevant this month.

An article in the Wall Street Journal says that Giants ace Tim Lincecum looks like he is 14 years old. Not true. Lincecum looks like he is 16 at least. Now, catcher Buster Posey, he looks like he is 12.

Only 5 out of 27 picked the Rangers to beat the Rays. However, one of them picked the Rangers not only to win the ALCS but, and believe it or not, picked them to win the WS as well. That person was Amy Nelson. She is either

About one week before the election. And is anyone else about at the point of saying “I don’t care what party you are from or what cause you are for, if you ‘robocall’ me I am going to vote against you?

Meg Whitman is warning of dire economic consequences should Californians elect Jerry Brown.  Well, there will be one consequence for sure – the state’s media businesses losing over $100 million a year from Meg’s self-funded campaign.

Meg Whitman begins her new ad: “I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience,”

And in Nevada with Sharron Angle running against Harry Reid, a lot of folks say to California “we’ll trade you.”

commie pinko time below.

Carly Fiorina is running a television ad saying “I’m prepared to oppose my party when it’s wrong ad.”

On October 11, 2002, the Senate voted 77-23 to authorize President Bush to attack Iraq. One of those 23 was Barbara Boxer.

Morning after…

October 25, 2010

You know you’ve been a Giants fan all year when… you woke up this morning and wanted to check the paper or online to make sure it really did happen, and Howard didn’t hit a walkoff homerun or something…

Still don’t believe this is magic? Juan Uribe of the SF Giants…. 25 home runs total this year. And how many to the opposite field? One.  Saturday night in Philly.

We have all heard now how Christine O’Donnell says she is not a witch.  Has anyone heard Bruce Bochy say he is not a warlock?

Anyone in California feeling sorry for those Phillies fans should read some Philadelphia papers online. Those papers were indeed full of angst tonight, but it was more about the Eagles losing to the Titans.

Headline in L.A Times today: “Giants ride hit charade to the World Series.” But let’s be fair, it must be hard for Los Angeles. Other than USC, the city hasn’t had a professional football team for years. This year they really didn’t have a professional baseball team either.

Meanwhile, the now 1-6,San Francisco 49ers announced in a press release that contrary to expectations and popular belief, the team has discovered that are PLENTY of things that could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning. 

49ers coach Mike Singletary thinks his 1-6 team can still make the playoffs.  Playoffs?  At this point San Francisco would be a longshot to be bowl-eligible.

So the NFL is now sending the 1-6 49ers (who just lost to the previously winless Panthers) and the 2-5 Broncos (who just were destroyed by the Raiders) to play in London next week. Is this a game or an extradition?

The 49ers lost two fumbles and an interception Sunday, the Broncos lost FIVE fumbles and an interception.  Maybe because the British are used to football being soccer, the NFL decided to send them two teams who don’t regularly use their hands.

Meg Whitman is decrying the practice of allowing students who are not legal immigrants to attend California universities, saying they are taking places from California citizens. 

As opposed to kids whose places might be taken at places like Princeton because other students’ parents donate money to build new dorms?

Meg Whitman’s new California ad states “I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience.”

Over in Nevada, however, where voters have the Senate choice between Harry Reid and Sharron Angle, the number one response to that ad “We’ll trade you.”

(In all seriousness, for those not following the Nevada race, well more than half of each candidates “supporters” say they wish they had someone else to vote for.)

A few notes…

October 14, 2010

Open note to Tea Party and anti-government types. Regarding those Chilean miners. Private enterprise got them in there, a government-led rescue operation, aided by other countries, got them out.

Interesting parallels between the Chilean miners and the San Francisco 49ers.  The miners were just rescued from underground, the 49ers will probably be buried again next Sunday. 

Meg Whitman has now spent $140 million on her campaign for governor in California. At this rate she will easily eclipse the 2010 record for spending in a lost cause – $146 million, which was the payroll of the Chicago Cubs.

Meg  Whitman did say on CNN that she was finally going to accept Jerry Brown’s apology for the slur his wife may have used, and that ” it’s time to talk about the issues.”

Translation, the only people who really cared about the “whore” comment were the ones who thought Jerry’s wife was right.

Federal prosecutors in Detroit were embarrassed to find out that a man they had charged with running an illegal lottery is actually dead.  In their defense, apparently the man did just vote in Chicago.

Two women were kicked out of a Baltimore Ravens game for kissing in a concession line. Male fans of at least 20 other teams have since invited the women to come attend a game at THEIR stadium.

Meanwhile, to highlight “Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House was lit up with pink light on Thursday. Bill Clinton has allegedly volunteered to do his part too, offering free manual breast exams.”

Ines Sainz, the TV reporter who was harassed by the Jets, said she would no longer do interviews in NFL locker rooms as “It’s not a good place right now for me.” Sainz was wearing a sequined mini skirt and blouse at the time. With all due respect, NFL locker rooms are probably not a good place for anyone, male or female, wearing a sequined miniskirt.

Christine O’Donnell has exaggerated her college studies, and when asked, could not think of a single Supreme Court decision she disagreed with. But she says if elected, she will “defend the Constitution.”  Defend it?  Why should we think she has even read it?

Privately, John McCain was appalled that Christine O’Donnell couldnt even name one recent Supreme Court case.   Jeez, he reportedly  fumed privately, she couldn’t have even said “Dred Scott”?

Meanwhile, you’ve got to love Carly Fiorina’s “Party doesn’t Matter” ad against Barbara Boxer. Especially at the end where it says “Paid for by the Republican Senatorial Committee.”

The torture continues….

October 11, 2010

 What was that old line.. the beatings will continue until morale improves.  (And was it said by a Giants fan?)

Today’s SF Giants come-from-ahead-then-behind win – Just another f**king laugher!  

Wonder if anyone else had this stomach-churning memory when Brooks Conrad was playing his own particular version of “no-hands” baseball:

Back in 1986, Roger Craig was managing the SF Giants and due to injuries, needed a player to fill in for a game at third base. Catcher Bob Brenly (who was doing color commentary for the game Sunday on TBS ), volunteered.  And he made FOUR errors in one inning. But Brenly also had two hits in the game when he came up with two outs in the bottom of the ninth and the Giants trailing by one with a man on.  And he hit a walk-off home run.

If Brian Wilson had loaded the bases, not an impossible thought given his creative style,  the batter would have been – Brooks Conrad.

Oh, and the game where Brenly had his worst and best day ever?  It was against the Atlanta Braves.–

From my friend Jerry Perisho:  Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday cost the Braves the game. The last person to screw an entire team was Madonna.

How many years of chances will 49ers quarterback Alex Smith get? He’d last as long in Philly as Michael Vick at a PETA convention.

In the “torture loves company” department: Giants fans, can we have a moment for fans of the Texas Rangers? Only MLB franchise that has NEVER won a playoff series. Ever. As either the original Washington Senators or after they moved to Texas in 1971. And with a 2-0 series lead they just lost two games to the Tampa Bay Rays.

The Tampa Bay Rays beat the Texas Rangers today in the ALDS series to send the series back to Tropicana Field for game 5 tied 2-2. Based on their game 1 and 2 losses, lousy attendance, and the fact that they play in the worst stadium in the big leagues, wonder if the Rays said, “Uh, actually could we pass on home field and stay in Texas?”

What’s worse for 49ers fans? Being 0-5? Or having two fewer wins than … the Raiders?

In New York, Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said in a speech to Orthodox Jewish leaders that he doesn’t want children “brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality” is acceptable.

Fortunately, he’s losing big in the polls. Most New Yorkers don’t want children “brainwashed” into thinking stupidity and bigotry are acceptable.

Rich Lott, a Ohio congressional candidate, is facing criticism from both parties after photos surfaced of him recently dressed in a German SS uniform to participate in Nazi re-enactment ceremonies. Lott says his participation was for “purely historical interest in World War II.” Well, if that is true, he’s too STUPID to serve in Congress.

.

Meg Whitman appeared with former New York governor Rudy Giulani at a fundraiser today in California.   (Wonder if Giulani commented that it was just 29 days away from the ninth anniversary of 9/11?.)

Whitman, however, turned down an offer to attend another fundraising event this week in Anaheim with Sarah Palin.  Meg’s campaign said they had “competing events.”  No doubt.  Given Palin’s California approval ratings, Whitman would probably rather stay home and clean her house.

It could be worse…

October 10, 2010

Okay, as a Giants fan I am still mad about Friday night.

But how must it feel to be a Minnesota Twins fan?   12 playoff losses in a row.   This team now folds faster than the winners at an Origami competition.

Suppose there’s a silver lining for Vikings fans.  Whatever happens with Favre Sunday, he’s unlikely to be the biggest embarrassment in town this week.

Meanwhile at Candlestick Park, Michael Vick is unlikely to play for the Eagles against the 49ers due to his rib injury.

Many people think this is just as well, as Vick’s dogfighting past would be likely to get him a particularly nasty reception . San Francisco fans wouldn’t even support one of their own team if he were convicted of such crimes.  Well, unless the player did something amazing afterwards – like lead the 49ers to a win.

Apparently the University of Tennessee has renamed classroom 317 in the Communications building after former Volunteers QB Peyton Manning. 

317 presumably being chosen because it’s the number of commercials Manning has made.

Meanwhile at Southern Mississippi, the University is thinking of renaming a classroom after alum Brett Favre.  Presumably in their archaeology department.

At Stanford, the Cardinal knocked off USC 37-35 with a last second field goal,. The Trojans had taken the lead with a touchdown with 1:08 left , instead of running down the clock.  Which means tonight, amongst other things, SC stands for Stupid Clock management. 

New t-shirt at Stanford – USC – University of Sanctioned Cheaters. 

So it’s hard to know for sure from the tape whether it really was Jerry Brown or his aide who really referred to Meg Whitman as a “whore.” 

A tacky conversation to be sure. But realistically, is there anyone who has followed Brown’s career who is shocked by the idea that the once and potential future governor would swear in private?

In the meantime, Whitman’s latest commercial has her sayings some people say California can’t be governed, and “I say baloney.”

For that matter, does anyone believe that Meg would actually use the word “baloney?”

Meanwhile, with rumors swirling about her interest in running for President in 2012, Politico.com reported Sarah Palin told a small group of Republicans at a private dinner in Florida that “critics also said Ronald Reagan couldn’t win in 1980.”

If this is going to be her line, wonder how long it will take some Republican to respond “I knew Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan was a friend of mine, Sarah, you’re no Ronald Reagan.”

Freak show.

October 8, 2010

Tim Lincecum,  14 strikeouts, 31 swing and misses (most in the majors all season), and a 1-0 complete game victory.  And he did it without benefit of pitching to his own lineup.

(No, it wasn’t quite the record for strikeouts in a post-season game. But he should definitely have the record for most strikeouts per pound.)

Okay, this is a long way away, several games anyway, from being reality, but… If the Phillies and Giants meet in the NLCS and Halladay and Lincecum pitch game one, I’m figuring the over-under in Vegas is about one and a half.

(Reader T.C. suggested the over under for Thursday’s game should have been 3 1/2.  Actually it was 6, which is low for a major league game, the average is about 8-9.  And it didn’t even turn out to be close.)

Another 1-0 game for the SF Giants Thursday night, this time a win.  Between innings the p.a. system played “Living on a prayer.”  I think it’s the hitters’ theme -song.

And sorry if this offends anyone, but the newest t-shirt sold outside A T and T Park tomorrow is likely to be “Tim Lincecum,  F*** Yeah.”

So first Lincecum drops the F-bomb in a postgame interview after the Giants clinch the West, now Jerry Brown is overheard in a conversation where his aide refers to Meg Whitman as a “whore. ” 

Wow, athletes and politicians swear. I am shocked, shocked.

Brown immediately issued an apology to Meg Whitman for the conversation. Now he’s been asked for a second apology, from the Prostitutes Union.

Actually, at this point I think Californians might cheerfully elect a capable whore.  Prostitutes are generally straightforward, actually give value for money, and at least leave people satisfied.  (And yes, there are more R and X rated versions of this riff, but I’ll quit while I’m ahead, or rather, behind.)

Sharron Angle’s pastor, John Reed, has now gone after Harry Reid by saying that because he’s a Mormon, the Senator is a member of a “bizarre cult.”

Hmm,  Did Reed forget about that Mitt Romney endorsement?

Apparently the race between Sharron Angle and Harry Reid in Nevada is too close to call.  One poll stated that one in ten “didn’t like either candidate.”  Presumably as opposed to nine in ten who can’t stand either candidate.

In San Francisco, the Liberty and Freedom Foundation put up a Sarah Palin billboard today at the corner of Market and Castro. What’s next, a Christine O’Donnell sign in front of Good Vibrations?

Don Larsen, who pitched a perfect game in the 1956 World Series, was interviewed today after Roy Halladay’s no-hitter. A little known fact about that game, had Larsen faltered, Jamie Moyer was warming up in the bullpen.

(Actually in all seriousness, add Tim Lincecum and Buster Posey’s ages together, and you only beat Moyer’s age by one)

While it can be hard to be funny, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to be a comedian. Latest case in point – Ralphie May, arrested for marijuana possession at Guam Airport…. after he went over to pet the drug-sniffing dog.

Baylor’s star guard LaceDarius Dunn was suspended from classes over allegations that he hit his girlfriend during a fight and broke her jaw.

Dunn’s basketball playing friends at other universities were stunned.  At Baylor players actually go to class?

Say what?

October 6, 2010

Meg Whitman’s latest commercial proclaims “Jobs are on the way.” Well, yeah, unless you are one of the 40,000 state employees whose job she has promised to cut.

While the Giants decide whether or not to put Barry Zito and his $126 million contract on the playoff roster, the Yankees decided to leave A.J. Burnett and his $82.5 million contract out of their playoff rotation. Of course, with the Yankees $82.5 million is a utility player contract.


Meanwhile, down in Miami, Dwayne Wade sustained an hamstring injury and had to leave the Heat’s first pre-season game. The injury at this point doesn’t appear to be serious.

But if Wade’s hamstring doesn’t heal, it might mean the mini-Dream team won’t get to play together this year. “That would really be a shame” said nobody outside the state of Florida.

Despite an 0-4 start 49ers coach Mike Singletary is still strongly supporting his quarterback Alex Smith. Makes sense. As long as Smith is with the team he will deflect some of the blame from Singletary.

The NFL Players union head DeMaurice Smith has stated he thinks owners are preparing for a 2011 without professional football. Which means in Detroit, business as usual.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell recently stated “I am not a witch.” “Well, we can’t all be perfect,” sniffed Hillary Clinton.


While the U.S. has not always been well served by the “best and the brightest,” is it really necessary for us to turn instead to the worst and the dimmest?


It’s understandable that many people don’t feel economic recovery is affecting them yet, and that change isn’t coming fast enough. And even that President Obama is too calm and celebral to connect well with the average American.

But really, some of these alternative candidates? It feels like the political equivalent of getting mad at your mother when you are a teenager, and getting a big tattoo just to spite her. Except that a tattoo would actually be easier to remove if you decide you made a hasty mistake.


And regarding well-paid players who may not contribute much to their team in the post season, how about two shortstops in their mid 30s? One batted .276 with a .374 slugging percent, the second batted .270 with a .370 slugging percentage. And both realistically have lost a bit defensively.

The first is the Giants’ Edgar Renteria. The second, Derek Jeter.

It pays to be frugal…

October 1, 2010

Right about now Jerry Brown has to be thanking his lucky stars that he’s too cheap to hire a housekeeper.


Just wondering though, if it had been Jerry Brown who had the illegal housekeeper, would Meg Whitman say it was a non-issue and he had no real reason to doubt her?


But seriously, Meg Whitman has stated strongly that illegal immigrants should be deported, Yet if you listen to Meg’s side of “Nannygate, the sequel,” she alleges that she found out her housekeeper, who had “become a member of their extended family” was illegal in back 2009 and chose to fire her rather than have her arrested.

Wouldn’t you think the personal experience just MIGHT have made her see that there are shades of gray with this issue…? (Well, we can dream…)


Regarding this housekeeper with the phony social security number. Presumably Whitman withheld taxes from her paycheck, and paid her employer social security contribution as well. But in cases where it’s a phony number, the employee never gets anything back…..it’s basically free money for the government.

And right or wrong, the government is taking in a LOT of money this way.


It just gets worse for Christine O’Donnell. Today a number of witches and warlocks came forward to say that besides not attending all those schools, they have no record of her ever really dabbling in witchcraft either.


The SF Giants were 6 1/2 games out of first place on August 25. Thursday they clinched at least a tie for the Western Division title. Are we sure someone on the team isn’t dabbling in witchcraft?

On the other hand, the Padres have lost 22 of 34 games since Aug. 25. They’ve fallen faster than Lebron James’ reputation.

After an off-season marred by controversy with players increasingly calling the shots as to in which big market they want to play, and others, still under contract, acting like spoiled children who want to play only with their friends, the NBA has taken some action.

Coaches will no longer be allowed to wear mock turtlenecks under their suit jacket; a collared shirt will be required. Good to see the league is a dealing with the important issues.


Tour de France champion Alberto Contador is blaming contaminated meat for his positive doping test. Great, now how many world-class athletes will claim to have been hanging out with Lady Gaga?


Chad Ochocinco has a breakfast cereal sold in the Cincinnati area that benefits “Feed the Children” Unfortunately a phone number on the box for further donations has a typo that results in callers reaching a phone sex line. Not maybe what Ochocino meant in his tweet urging his fans to buy the cereal and “start your day with a l’il sugar.”

Classes? Classes? We don’t need no stinkin’ classes.

September 30, 2010

Christine O’Donnell lists both Claremont Graduate University and Oxford University on her resume. But this week both institutions denied she had ever attended their classes. USC is wondering if they can use the same logic with Reggie Bush.

This week, Jimmy Raye became the fifth 49ers offensive-coordinator fired since QB Alex Smith has been with the club. Isn’t simply blaming the 49ers’ struggles on the latest offensive coordinator kind of like simply blaming Larry King’s latest wife for the failure of their marriage?

Okay, regarding illegal immigrants, what’s the over-under on what percentage of Californians have hired someone illegal in their lives, either directly or through a contractor? I’m guessing about 90 percent have done so. (Have you hired babysitters, gardeners, contractors, housecleaners.. ? And this doesn’t count second-hand things like having your car washed, eating in restaurants, buying cheap produce.

Not saying it’s avoidable, but hypocrisy is a problem.


And regarding Meg Whitman’s housekeeper situation: This is one of many reasons why voting and following politics is important. Anyone who paid attention to Nannygate (Bill Clinton losing TWO Attorney General nominees over illegal nannies) in 1993 would have known – check identification for household staff CAREFULLY.


Tour de France winner Alberto Contador became the latest top cyclist to test possible for a banned drug. He blamed “tainted food.” What, was his team all out of “tainted supplements?”

‎2009 Horse of the Year Rachel Alexandra will be retired and bred to Curlin, the 2007-08 Horse of the Year. Her owner said it was time to “reward her with a less stressful life.” Only in the equine world would motherhood be viewed as “a less stressful life.”


Jersey Shore” star Snooki has a book deal. Is this to write one or read one?

Apparently while Christine O’Donnell says she attended Oxford, it turns out it was a summer program sponsored by the Phoenix Institute, which wasn’t connected with the University. So it’s a stretch to say she studied at Oxford. Of course, George W. Bush did actually attend both Yale and Harvard.


Justin Bieber is featured on the cover of Teen Vogue, where he is interviewed about how he feels about his fans. One thing he asks those fans – “Don’t come up to me while I’m eating.”

Apparently it’s been a whole year since he was able to finish a whole Happy Meal in peace.

Robin Williams has come out with an ad-endorsement for Barbara Boxer. Makes sense that comedians are getting involved in this year’s election cycle. Some of the candidates if elected could wind up seriously competing with their acts.

Thank you, Cubbies.

September 29, 2010

Refrain for all Giants fans for the week: “Okay, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs.’

(for non-baseball fans, the Cubs have just won two in a row from the San Diego Padres, who the Giants are competing with for a playoff berth.)


Earlier this summer, Giants pitcher Jonathan Sanchez made the mistake of predicting a San Francisco sweep against the Padres, and then went out and lost his start. He has been considerably more circumspect sense.

Meanwhile, last weekend, Padres catcher Yorvit Torrealba put San Diego’s chances of making the playoffs at “300 percent.” Now it definitely could still happen, but if Torrealba doesn’t play winter ball he might want to spend the offseason working on his mouth, and his math skills.


Here’s an interesting bit of irony. When the San Francisco Giants, plagued by poor attendance and a poor ballpark, almost left SF after the 1992 season, they planned to move to the Tampa-St Petersburg area.

Last night, when the Tampa Bay Rays had a chance to clinch the division, they drew an “official” crowd of 12,446 fans (which looked a lot smaller), and the team is giving away 20,000 unsold tickets for their last regular season home game tomorrow.

Rays star Evan Longoria was upset about the empty seats, and said publicly that it was embarrassing. If the man ever gets traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers someone better warn him about that third and seventh inning thing.


Meanwhile, in the college game, the University of California announced it was cutting varsity baseball after 2011, along with rugby and some smaller sports. This will save the cash-strapped university about $4 million a year. $4 million. That’s about what Meg Whitman is spending on ads per week.

Regarding the Cal baseball program, has anyone thought of calling feuding Dodgers owners and soon-to-be-ex-spouses Frank and Jamie McCourt? Here’s their chance to back a genuine amateur team for the fraction of the cost of those boys at Chavez Ravine.

During their gubernatorial debate, both Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown declined to say there was any benefit to illegal immigration for Californians. But both also said they were open to the idea of a Peripheral Canal idea to transport water in California. Yo, folks, if the state approves such a canal, who do think is going to dig it?

Meg Whitman was just asked during the debate if she were elected would she work on changing campaign finance laws. Her answer, not immediately. What she means – not until after I’ve been able to buy my re-election.-


The IRS says so many people are filing tax returns electronically that they will no longer automatically mail a traditional paper form. And we wonder why the Post Office is in trouble.

Former President Jimmy Carter is apparently resting comfortably in a Cleveland hospital after becoming ill with an upset stomach on a Delta flight from Atlanta. Let’s hope he didn’t accept an invitation to join the pilots in the cockpit for a drink.

From my funny friend Jim Barach:

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Coincidentally, the people who caused the recession are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs.

Payouts and payback

September 21, 2010

Apparently Los Angeles created only 55 jobs with $110 million in stimulus money. Big deal, Meg Whitman is trying to create only one job with $150 million of her own money.


Actual verbatim headline on SI.Com after tonights 49ers-Saints game. “Bush on crutches after injurying leg in fourth quarter.”

Is there something about the name “Bush” that is incompatible with the English language?

(Michael Duca’s response, “Men can’t think properly in the presence of the word.)


Here’s hoping Reggie Bush’s injury isn’t career ending, but for all those who talk about “God’s Will,” maybe God thought it was time for a little karmic payback after all the media fawning over Bush’s “doing the right thing” regarding returning the Heisman?


Christine O’Donnell now says if she WERE a witch, Karl Rove would be a supporter of hers. No, if she was really a witch, those clips would have vaporized, and Bill Maher would be living on a lilypad in a pond.


Ohio University has apologized to Ohio State and its fans after the school’s Bobcat mascot tackled the Buckeye’s Brutus mascot. Meanwhile, after the school’s 43-7 loss to OSU, Ohio coach Frank Solich has recruited the Bobcat to play defense.


Watching Brett Favre being interviewed yesterday after the Vikings loss, seemed like both he and Lindsay Lohan have a problem in knowing when to quit.

Bristol Palin, who claims she now wants to be a cautionary role model for young women to be abstinent, made her first appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” Monday. Yeah, magazine covers, network talk shows, and now a reality show. That should show girls that it’s not a glamorous life being a single mother.

New York Republican candidate Carl Paladino, said recently that Manhattan is “home to smug, self-important, pampered liberal elitists.”

Not necessarily true, Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx.


Meanwhile, in California, Meg Whitman is continuing her campaign to win the vote of all smug, self-important pampered conservative elitists.


Former CEO Mark Hurd has reached an agreement with HP to settle their lawsuit. Hurd will give up the stock portion of his severance and HP will “allow” him to work for Oracle. So he will only get $12 million cash severance and a new $11 million a year package at Oracle. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

Does anyone want to win the West?

September 18, 2010


With Andres Torres out, Edgar Renteria has temporarily won the job of Giants leadoff hitter. And he says he will do whatever necessary to reach base. Guess that means he has a call in for acting tips from Derek Jeter.

San Diego 4, St. Louis 14. The Padres are sinking faster than Lebron James’ popularity.


On the other hand, the Giants were just shut out again tonight, 3-0, this time by Randy Wolf of the Milwaukee Brewers, in his best outing of the year.

Guess what, when enough pitchers have their best game of the year against a team…there’s a good chance a lot of the credit might be due to the men swinging the bats against them.


But it could be worse: Long-time former Los Angeles Dodgers owner Peter O’Malley stated publicly today that Frank McCourt should give up the team, saying the “current ownership had lost all credibility with the city.” Is he kidding, current ownership has lost all credibility with the entire country.

There are differing opinions on Derek Jeter’s performance when he acted like he was in pain after he DIDN’T get hit with a pitch, and was awarded first base. But the Yankees shortstop has been offered a coaching position with the USA soccer team


Former President Clinton apparently has forgiven Jerry Brown for his joking reference to Monica Lewinsky, and will campaign for Brown in California. When asked if he considered not supporting Jerry over the comment, wonder if Bill responded “Close but no cigar?”


Josh Hamilton, who has had substance abuse issues, says he will deal with the champagne celebration when the Texas Rangers clinch the division, by having “goggles on, duct tape over the mouth and either a wetsuit or raincoat,” so he doesn’t even get bubbly on his skin. Of course, a more long-range solution to this worry, get traded to the Cubs.

On a visit to England, the Pope professed to be shocked by stories of child abuse by priests. Well, he might be the last one in the Catholic church who is.

Shocking news, apparently Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug and alcohol screening test. Guess she shouldn’t be sharing gum with Paris Hilton.

After being released from jail August 2, it was announced Friday that Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug test. So congratulations to all those who had 46 days in their office pool.


One part of campaigning in California is interviewing with newspaper editorial boards. But on Friday, Meg Whitman became the first major California candidate in memory to say she will not meet with the San Francisco Chronicle. Suppose it makes some sense, she’s not really seeking the vote of anyone who reads.


from Bill Littlejohn:
Following orders from the Melbourne archbishop, Australian churches have banned sports songs from funerals. Apparently, someone was caught playing Queen’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

Batmen? In San Francisco?

September 17, 2010

Do not adjust your sets. Yes, that Giants 10 – Dodgers 2 score tonight didn’t mean the broadcasters accidentally put a “0” after SF’s “1” in the line score.


The Giants actually scored more runs tonight that they scored in the last five games. And yes, earlier Thursday before the game, I wrote this and posted it on Facebook.

“Former SF Giant Kevin Mitchell has been charged with assault for punching a man during an argument at a Southern California golf course. Shame it wasn’t one of the 2010 Giants who got into that altercation, most of them would have just swung and missed”

Maybe I should insult the Giants hitting more often.


For anyone who wonders how to pronounce my name, it’s the same as Aubrey Huff. (Wonder if I can claim him as a distant relative?) Go Giants!

Meanwhile, across the Bay, Oakland didn’t sell out their Sunday home opener against the St. Louis Rams so it will be blacked out in the Bay Area. Which means we will find out the answer to a variation on an old question. “If the Raiders fall in a stadium and nobody sees them, do they still suck?”

A joint joke with Marc Ragovin – Regarding all those crimes in New York committed by people wearing Yankees caps: Of course this doesn’t count the crooks guilty of serious grand larceny, who work in the Yankees ticket department.


Meg Whitman announced today that she has now given a total of $119 million to her election campaign. Whitman also said she would announce her position on Prop 23 (which would repeal climate change legislation) “in the next 10 days.”

Since Meg’s been running for over a year, you’d think by now she might have used some of that money to figure out which side she was on?


And Carly Fiorina said in response to allegations that HP used bribes in Russia to increase market share when she was CEO, that “HP was a company with 156,000 people,” she said. ‘”No single person can know everything that goes on.”

Uh, anyone want to tell Carly that she is running for a position where she will represent over 36 million people?


According to Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina’s campaigns, Nancy Reagan, 89, has endorsed both of them. Guess the former first lady has decided she really wants to support young women getting into politics.


From Jim Barach, maybe more true than funny: The new “Sky Rider” seat will be unveiled soon which will allow airlines to put even more passengers on each plane. The seats will have only 23 inches of legroom.

The seats are designed in line with the needs of anorexic dwarfs who love to travel.

(Stay tuned, how long until a “premium” seat fee becomes a “actual seat” fee.

“Arrested” development

August 31, 2010

Mizzou’s football team has now had three DUI arrests in the past couple month. Looks like Missouri has now become the “Show me your license and registration” state.


According to the New York Times, Stanford’s star quarterback Andrew Luck has a 3.55 GPA and an architectural design major. Said football players at Cal, “what’s architectural design?” Said football players at USC “what’s a major?”

Manny Ramirez is expected to join the White Sox Tuesday. His new Chicago teammates will celebrate by throwing him a nice little baby shower.

A recent Fox News poll showed 64 percent of Americans think it’s wrong to build a mosque near ground zero. Just wondering, what are those other 36 percent doing listening to Fox News?


Elin Nordegren said she gave the “only interview I’m going to give” on her divorce from Tiger Woods to “People” magazine. Now she’s on the cover of Britain’s “Hello” magazine, with her “one and only interview” on the subject. Maybe the celebrity she should have married was Brett Favre.

Paris Hilton has been arrested for the third time in a little over a month, this time for cocaine possesion. Though she claims she was carrying someone else’s purse. You’d think for all the money she has, the woman could buy a clue?


To be fair to Paris, she doesn’t have a lot to do with her time. Maybe she’s auditioning to be the poster girl for the Cincinnati Bengals?


A NY Times article saying the percentage of registered Republicans in Orange County has dropped to 43 percent. Of course, the richest Republicans won’t register until they decide to run for office.


Meg Whitman was apparently called for jury duty and attended the first day of juror selection. Scary thing, she already now has more judicial experience than she has political experience.


from Gary Morton : On the NFL going to 18 games: we’ll finally get the answer to that old joke, “where do they bury the survivors?”

This one’s a little over the top but it’s an interesting take on the economy, seen on a sign in London – “Buy more sh*t or we’re all f**ked.”

Fast food and fast times…

August 6, 2010

A woman was found guilty of extortion for demanding millions of dollars from Rick Pitino to keep their “close encounter” in a restaurant secret. Pitino said the sex lasted “15 seconds” and was “unfortunate.”

The University of Louisville for now is sticking by their coach, though Pitino may lose endorsement contracts. On the other hand, he stands to pick up a new offer from “In and Out Burger.”

Taco Bell is introducing new “Cantina” tacos, which they say can compete with street tacos. Yeah, right, the only way anyone is going to get anything approaching real street tacos at Taco Bell is if one of those trucks is parked in their lot.

Singer Wyclef Jean has filed the paperwork to run for president of his native Haiti. Well, he has more political experience than Meg Whitman.

Just how crazy are some of the comments Sharron Angle has been making lately? Apparently even Sarah Palin is thinking of “refudiating” her.


From Bill Littlejohn: Repair crews in Boston will soon be busy addressing the Green Monster.And once Shaq gets fixed up, attention will be given to Fenway’s left field wall”


A number of billionaires, including Warren Buffett, Larry Ellison and Bill Gates, have pledged to donate half their wealth to charity. Said Meg Whitman, Jeff Greene and Mike Bloomberg, “Does spending it on running for office count?”


The University of Texas and Notre Dame have agreed to a four-game football series starting in 2015. This is going to be tough. For sports fans outside Texas and South Bend, Indiana, who do they hate and thus root for to lose more?

Despite mounting evidence against Lance Armstrong, many fans want to believe he was “clean.” Why is it so hard to believe that someone who has an inspirational story can’t also be a cheater? Hey, Bill Clinton grew up a poor kid with a widowed mom and abusive stepfather.

For Canadian readers: This is an unusual year for Toronto sports fans. This year it looks like the Argonauts may actually stay in playoff contention longer than the Blue Jays.

There are now rumors that Brett Favre sent sexy text messages to a young woman who worked as sideline reporter. Hard to believe, it’s not just that Favre is a married man, but if he were going to “sext” another woman, how would he decide which one?


Last thought for the night on Prop 8, direct quote from Judge Walker’s decision “Religious leaders may determine independently whether to recognize a civil marriage or divorce but that recognition or lack thereof has no effect on the relationship under state law.” Separation of church and state?! What a concept. This could catch on.

Cha-cha-changes…

August 4, 2010

Airlines are already starting to gather “Secure Flight” data, and as of November 1, you won’t be able to get on a plane without divulging your date of birth, full legal name, and gender. I see a lawsuit coming in San F-Francisco. The gender box only has two choices.



Lady Gaga says that she thinks having sex saps creativity. Well, that certainly would explain all those incredibly intricate and imaginative new video games.

(It also explains some of the amazing things at Comic-Con.)


Morrie R. Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles snack, has died at the age of 90. In his honor, all the pallbearers will dye their fingers orange.

Rough night for ESPN. Brett Favre retired again, A-Rod is still stuck on 599, and Lebron James wrote an open letter of thanks to fans in Akron but not Cleveland. The network had so much to cover they barely had time to read the scores.


Brett Favre will apparently announce later today that he is retiring again. Yeah, well and Larry King has said “forsaking all others” a few times too.

Brad Childress is dismissing reports of Brett Favre’s latest retirement, saying he has to hear it “from the horse’s mouth.” Considering all the time sports fans and reporters have spent waiting around on Favre, I’m not sure the mouth is the first part of the horse they associate with him.


Super Bowl-winning quarterback Kurt Warner will apparently be the next former athlete to compete on “Dancing with the Stars. As opposed to Brett Favre who may appear on a show with Lebron James, titled “Dancing with the Decision.”


Okay, the betting question of the night. Which will last longer? Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety? Or Brett Favre’s retirement?


Lebron James took out a full page ad thanking the fans in Akron for their support over the years, but he doesn’t mention Cleveland at all. Another proud graduate of the BP School of Public Relations


In China they are developing a huge catamaran inspired bus that can drive OVER cars. As opposed to San Francisco where Muni drivers just try to drive through them.

Meg Whitman is likely to spend $150 million of her own money to run for Governor in California. And she may still lose. If this politics thing doesn’t work out she has at least proved herself uniquely qualified to take over the New York Mets.