Posted tagged ‘HP jokes’

Errors and omissions.

September 24, 2011

While Rick Perry looked like a rock star a few weeks ago, a series of gaffes and “unforced errors” in debates and on the campaign trail have made many potential GOP supporters stand back and reconsider. And somewhere, the late Molly Ivins, who once dubbed Perry “Governor Goodhair,” is laughing, loudly.

At the University of Pennsylvania, students arrived for the first day of a class scheduled to start at 1:30 p.m. About an hour later, the class was officially cancelled as the students found out the professor had died five months ago. Penn is an Ivy League school. In the SEC, the entire football team would have rushed to sign up.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a contract to write his memoirs, which will be titled “Total Recall.” With the presumed subtitle “Selective Amnesia.”

Hewlett-Packard’s stock has fallen to its lowest level in six years. Apparently investors are worried about the choice of Meg Whitman as CEO. Probably because her last business decision was to spend over $160 million to try to win a job no sane person would want in the first place.

Oops. Authorities now say that the hunter attacked by a grizzly in a Montana forest was killed not by the bear, but by a gunshot fired by a companion trying to save him. Maybe it was a little too soon to return to hunting for Dick Cheney.

Diana Nyad is going to try again to become the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida. Well, officially anyway. Why do I have a feeling that the real record holder is choosing to remain anonymous?

NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman admitted this week that he pretended to be interested in Carl Crawford just to drive up the price for the Boston Red Sox to sign the free agent. If you love the Yankees this story will confirm their winning mentality, If you hate the Yankees this is one more reason to root for the Detroit Tigers to win the pennant.

Kobe Bryant has been offered over $6 million to play for a team in Italy. The offer has to be tempting, Kobe did spend time as a child in Italy. And the country has great jewellers.

The SF Giants’ season ended, fittingly, tonight with an out from Aubrey Huff. (Though a 4-3 grounder would have been more appropriate.) But really, this whole season has been a constant reliance on big money non-performing veterans at the expense of rookies….

From a woman’s point of view it’s been like listening to a friend defend a worthless boyfriend, because she’s spent so much money,time and energy on the relationship already, she’s SURE he will come around.

Hockey joke from my friend Bill Littlejohn:
An Orange County mom is accused of having sex with as many as three youths on her son’s hockey team. Boy, talk about a hat trick.


“Hook ups” and beyond.

September 7, 2010

A new study says people who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful pre-sex connection. These people are called “men.”

Larry Ellison has hired ex-HP CEO Mark Hurd, who was fired over his “relationship” with Jodie Fisher, as a co-president of Oracle. Guess Ellison got tired of being a slam-dunk choice for the biggest a**hole at his own company.

But really, Ellison and Hurd together on the board? Who are they going to use for an executive search firm for administrative assisants? Tiger Woods?

Talented but difficult T.J. Houshmandzadeh has signed with Baltimore after being cut by the Seattle Seahawks. Wonder how much of the wide receiver’s attitude it will take to have Ravens fans say “Nevermore.”

Apparently Cincinnati was thinking of signing Houshmandzadeh, but with Ochocino and T.O. already, the Bengals figured that would make three of the Four Horse’s A**es of the Apocalypse. (Post inspired by an online conversation with the great Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.)

A man was arrested today for scaling a 60 story skyscraper in San Francisco. If he’d just waited until November when Prop 19 (marijuana legalization) may pass, then it would be legal to get high in California.

The incredibly violent “Machete”, loosely about a renegade border crime fighter, took second place at the box office this weekend. And Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was thrilled,- “Finally all those beheadings I’ve been talking about.”

NFL television analyst Dan Hampton joined the “soon to be unemployed” list, with his comment about Thursday night’s NFL opener between the Saints and Vikings. “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina.”

Let’s really hope they fire him before any games in New York on the weekend of September 11.

Chicks may dig the long ball. But this year the Toronto Blue Jays are leading the majors with 244 home runs, the Boston Red Sox are second with 178. Maybe it’s not the home runs that the chicks dig, but that their boyfriends and husbands have Octobers off…

Labor Day is in some ways oddly named, since it’s one day that American workers generally get paid not to do their job. In other words, they become honorary members of the Mets bullpen.

Tony Blair had to cancel a book signing in central London because of worries about potential protesters on the right and the left. I think I’d take a lot of these folks more seriously about free speech if it applied to anyone but themselves.

For many Americans, Labor Day marks the end of summer. In Boston the end of summer was marked Saturday when Jonathan Papelbon blew a 5-3 lead against the White Sox with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. How about that Tom Brady?

Things we won’t hear anytime soon…

August 11, 2010

As we move into the late stages of summer, a few statements we won’t probably hear….

Terrell Owens – “What went wrong with my last team was completely my fault.”

Cubs fans- “You know, waiting until next year probably won’t be any different from this year.

Brett Favre “And that’s my final answer.”

Anyone at Fox News “The President really handled that situation well.”

Sarah Palin “I don’t know the answer and I’m not going to try to fake it.”

Any politician “You know, we have a choice, raise taxes or cut services. Which do you want?”

(more to come, and more reader comments encouraged.)

At Vikings training camp, Minnesota wide receiver Percy Harvin has been out on leave from practice because of migraine headaches. That’s odd, usually the only people connected with the Vikings with migraines are fans and coaching staff waiting for Brett Favre to make up his mind.

Levi Johnston is apparently running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, as part of a new reality show. This could be the first time since the 2008 election that “Mayor of Wasilla” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.

Sarah Palin lambasted the LSM (lamestream media) for reporting her confrontation today with a woman in Alaska who had made a “Worst Governor Ever” sign. Why is it that so many people who love to defend the second amendment seem to have a problem with the first?

The Commerce Department announced today that it is returning to the Treasury $1.6 billion in savings from the 2010 Census, because they came in under budget. Who are the people in charge here… and can we elect them to Congress?

Jodie Fisher, the woman at the center of the investigation that caused HP CEO Mark Hurd to resign, said it “wasn’t about sex.” Maybe she’d be just a tad more believable if she hadn’t hired the same celebrity lawyer as Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress?

Reader Gary Morton’s comment on the HP payoffs – A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina‚Ķ.no wonder my HP toner cartridge costs $2,000./each.

Houston linebacker Brian Cushing tested claims he tested positive for elevated levels of HCG because of he ‘overtrained.” Well at least that’s one problem Washington’s Albert Haynesworth will never have.

A JetBlue flight attendant finally lost it and dramatically quit his job because of an obnoxious, rude customer. And he has become a national folk hero. Just one question, how long before something similar happens at Starbucks?

Actually two questions. The police have not yet formally decided what charges to levy against Mr. Slater. And their biggest problem, how are they ever going to find 12 Americans willing to convict him?

Other airlines watched the Slater story with interest. Wonder who will be the first to consider start using the emergency chute to offer a “priority disembarkation fee?

High into the San Francisco Night….

August 10, 2010

Many San Francisco fans may recognize, “There it goes, high into the San Francisco Night” as a home run call from Jon Miller….

But on a related note? Monday night’s Giants-Cubs game at A T and T Park in San Francisco was also Jerry Garcia-Grateful Dead night. Best line of the night, from retired player and current broadcaster F.P. Santangelo, alluding to all the Deadheads at the game, “that’s not fog wafting up to the bridge…”

Suspended Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing says his positive test for a female fertility drug was the result of overtraining. Either that or too many Lamaze classes with Manny Ramirez.

Maybe Cushing mean “Overstraining,” as in “Overstraining credibility.”

NBA commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play a pair of regular-season games in London this season. And we accuse China of exporting poor quality junk overseas..


The NBA has announced that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play two regular season games in 2011 in London. So much for David Stern’s promise of having meaningful games in Europe before the 2012 Olympics.

How can you miss him if he won’t go away department:

Levi Johnston, the on-again, off-again fiance of Bristol Palin, now tells the world he has political aspirations and will run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Is he nuts? The guy has no experience and may not even have voted. You don’t run for mayor with that background, you run for Governor of California.

Question of the night – You go to a sporting event, it starts on time. You go to a movie, at least the previews start on time. So why is it when you go to a concert, you’re lucky if the opening act starts half an hour after the time on the tickets?

Jodie Fisher is the reality television and one-time R-rated movie actress, whose lawsuit led to the resignation of HP CEO Mark Hurd. She issued a statement through her lawyer Gloria Allred saying,”I was surprised and saddened that Mark Hurd lost his job over this, that was not my intention.” Stay tuned for her next role, on the new show – “Dancing with the Skanks.”

(open note to Ms. Fisher, if you DON’T want to look like a skank and a publicity whore, maybe it would be a good idea not to hire as a lawyer the woman who is most recently known for representing Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress.)

A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina…. If they really want to help the California economy, maybe Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown should both consider a campaign promise to be both hired and fired as HP CEO, and then give their severance package to the state.

Not exactly the “HP way to go!”

August 7, 2010

Carly Fiorina, the fired former CEO of HP, is now running for Senate in California because she wants to be the Republican version of Barbara Boxer. Does the latest news out of HP mean that Mark Hurd wants to be the Republican version of John Edwards.?

GOProud, which claims to be the “only national organization supporting gay conservatives, has announced their first annual party “Homocon.” And the event will be headlined by…. Ann Coulter?! Considering all the anti-gay statements Coulter has made, the party will likely be as well attended as a Lebron James pep rally in Cleveland.

Apparently Mark Hurd, the now former CEO of HP, was “caught” and forced to resign because he falsified expense reports to pay off a female contractor with whom he allegedly had a relationship. Excuse me, the guy made over $24 million in 2009 – he couldn’t have used cash?

Tacky time. I’ll say one thing for Carly Fiorina, when she screwed HP employees, she kept her clothes on.

Speaking of tacky,

Famous White House gatecrasher Michaele Salahi complained that being interviewed on “The View” was “horrific” and that they wanted to torture her. Not true. The only people “The View” tortures are their viewers.

USC cornerback T.J. Bryant had to have surgery on his left cheekbone Thursday after an altercation during a drill with a teammate. Guess maybe he should have chosen to play for the Fighting Irish.

The University of West Virginia football program is being investigated for “major violations,” many of which occurred under former coach Rich Rodriguez before he jumped to the University of Michigan. (where he is also now under investigation.)

Isn’t this like being responsible for your ex-wife’s debts? With the only silver lining being that she is dragging her new boyfriend into bankruptcy too.

The gift that keeps on giving…. While the San Francisco Giants are leading the NL wild card and are only a game out of first place in the NL West, it doesn’t mean it’s a painless season.

Like reading about the Minnesota Twins’ new ace, Francisco Liriano, who until he got roughed up tonight had been 4-0 since the All-Star break, with a 0.63 ERA while holding hitters to a .168 average.

Why does this hurt? For Giants fans who have repressed the memory, Liriano was a throw-in in the Joe Nathan deal, the one that brought the Giants A.J. Pierzynski.

From Alex Kaseberg: Newspaper circulations are at an all-time low. To show how low newspaper circulation is, in London they are eating fish and chips off of an Apple lap top.

And on an actual serious note – congratulations to former Stanford closer Drew Storen, who got his first major league save tonight. Against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Not a bad way to stay popular in the San Francisco area! .