Posted tagged ‘Oracle jokes’

Moving on.

September 8, 2010

Regarding that Florida church and the Quran. Anyone who wants to demonstrate their First Amendment rights by burning a book is unclear on the concept.

The Redskins are apparently in talks to trade Albert Haynesworth. This after the defensive tackle failed numerous conditioning tests and apparently has been just “awful” with a bad attitude in preseason games. At this point the only way Haynesworth could be less popular in Washington is to be part of Congress.

The team most interested in Haynesworth apparently is his old team, Tennessee. But based on Albert’s performance and attitude lately bringing him back to Nashville could be a disaster of “Titanic” proportions.

Fired HP CEO Mark Hurd, who just received $12 million PLUS stock options as part of his severance package, has now agreed to join Oracle as a co-president, no doubt for another eight-figure salary plus stock package. And these ex-CEO’s running for office wonder why many voters question their ability to relate to the average American.

Actually with Hurd and Ellison in the same boardroom, the fastest way to make a lot of money in Silicon Valley for an attractive woman might be to hire on at Oracle as an executive-assistant. Seems like good odds on being able to file for sexual harrassment.

Tuesday morning hangover for the BCS. Since Boise State didn’t fold on national TV and lose to Virginia Tech, this potentially means one less BCS bowl opening for the SEC or Notre Dame. Oh, the horror.

So the Heisman Trophy Trust might make Reggie Bush the first person to be stripped of his trophy. What can we learn from this? Killing two people pales in comparison to taking gifts and getting USC put on probation.

Manny Ramirez was slightly injured in Tuesday’s White Sox loss to the Tigers. Of course at this point in the season the team doctor may just put Manny on bedrest for his third trimester.

Tiger Woods has been named to the U.S. Ryder Cup team. Well, makes sense, one thing he has shown he can do this past year is “Ryder.”


“Hook ups” and beyond.

September 7, 2010

A new study says people who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful pre-sex connection. These people are called “men.”

Larry Ellison has hired ex-HP CEO Mark Hurd, who was fired over his “relationship” with Jodie Fisher, as a co-president of Oracle. Guess Ellison got tired of being a slam-dunk choice for the biggest a**hole at his own company.

But really, Ellison and Hurd together on the board? Who are they going to use for an executive search firm for administrative assisants? Tiger Woods?

Talented but difficult T.J. Houshmandzadeh has signed with Baltimore after being cut by the Seattle Seahawks. Wonder how much of the wide receiver’s attitude it will take to have Ravens fans say “Nevermore.”

Apparently Cincinnati was thinking of signing Houshmandzadeh, but with Ochocino and T.O. already, the Bengals figured that would make three of the Four Horse’s A**es of the Apocalypse. (Post inspired by an online conversation with the great Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.)

A man was arrested today for scaling a 60 story skyscraper in San Francisco. If he’d just waited until November when Prop 19 (marijuana legalization) may pass, then it would be legal to get high in California.

The incredibly violent “Machete”, loosely about a renegade border crime fighter, took second place at the box office this weekend. And Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was thrilled,- “Finally all those beheadings I’ve been talking about.”

NFL television analyst Dan Hampton joined the “soon to be unemployed” list, with his comment about Thursday night’s NFL opener between the Saints and Vikings. “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina.”

Let’s really hope they fire him before any games in New York on the weekend of September 11.

Chicks may dig the long ball. But this year the Toronto Blue Jays are leading the majors with 244 home runs, the Boston Red Sox are second with 178. Maybe it’s not the home runs that the chicks dig, but that their boyfriends and husbands have Octobers off…

Labor Day is in some ways oddly named, since it’s one day that American workers generally get paid not to do their job. In other words, they become honorary members of the Mets bullpen.

Tony Blair had to cancel a book signing in central London because of worries about potential protesters on the right and the left. I think I’d take a lot of these folks more seriously about free speech if it applied to anyone but themselves.

For many Americans, Labor Day marks the end of summer. In Boston the end of summer was marked Saturday when Jonathan Papelbon blew a 5-3 lead against the White Sox with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. How about that Tom Brady?