Posted tagged ‘Wisconsin jokes’

Dreaming, I must be dreaming…

September 3, 2016
Seahawks DE Cliff Avril reached out to Tony Romo after hitting him and fracturing his back. Romo apparently texted back “You take care of the NFC West, we will see yall in the playoff.”
So will Seattle send Dallas tickets?
SFGiants bullpen manages to hold a 1 run lead for 3 innings against Cubs. So where do we submit this to the Pope as a miracle?

And today,Madbum  walked & Cubs pitched to Nunez in front of him – resulting  in a run-scoring  single,  rather than issuing an intentional walk. The fear of #Pitcherswhorake #SFGiants

Meanwhile, the SF Giants call up Joe Nathan.  Going to party like it’s 1999!

On a week that the University of Wisconsin was named the #1 US college party school, the Badgers upset #5 LSU. On Labor Day weekend. So have they canceled Tuesday classes yet?



As Stanford fan not fond of the SEC, I begin to understand what it must be like for my friends who hate both #Hillary & #Trump #USCvsBAMA

And a fat lot of good it took me on the high road:  But ok, since I tell people they have to chose even between “the lesser of two evils.” Gulp. #GoTrojans #FightOn #USCvsBAMA

The #Broncos released #MarkSanchez, who’s expected to sign w/ #Cowboys. Great news for comedy writers who wonder they will do post-election.

Chip Kelly announced today that Blaine  Gabbert would be the 49ers starting QB. Wonder if the second in command on the Titanic disrespected “God Save the King.”

So #Stanford didn’t look great in opening game. But they didn’t lose. Yes I am talking about you fill-in-the-blank team #nerdnation

A man given nitrous oxide at a dentist in Ohio is recovering after he accidentally shot himself in the hand with his own gun. He thought he heard his cellphone ringing. #ifonlyhewasarmed. No, wait…never mind

A 5.6 magnitude earthquake in Oklahoma this morning, also rattling
Kansas, Arkansas, Missouri, Texas, Nebraska, and Iowa. Maybe God is sending a message to red states?

From T.C.  “People in the Bay Area were outraged that Red Sox infielder Dustin Pedroia was not standing during the National Anthem at the Oakland A’s game. PeeDee said “But I am standing!”


Do you see what I see?

April 7, 2015

Oops. The NCAA’s supervisor of officials admitted today that the officials who gave possession to Duke after a late out-of-bounds play, didn’t have all the angles that CBS had. Although the TV replay showed the Blue Devils’ Winslow touching the ball with his fingertips. But to be fair, with amateur sports it’s not like the NCAA really has the money to do it right.

If we’re going to have legalized discrimination, can some state become a pioneer in saying businesses do not have to serve stupid people? Because ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬


Mitt Romney finished in the the top 1% of contestants in the ESPN NCAA tournament challenge, having Duke and Wisconsin and Duke winning it all. President Obama was in the 40th percentile. Of course, had Obama done as well as Romney the GOP would accuse him of having neglected his duties to focus on basketball.

Kentucky coach John Calipari says he expects “five to seven players” to declare for the NBA draft.  It’s a scary choice for these young men. But since returnees must be academically eligible, they’ll have to figure out how to find the classrooms.

From Marty Robinson:  “In Monday night’s NCAA championship game, Duke rallied to beat Wisconsin, earning their 5th title in the Coach K era. “Wonderful” said absolutely nobody outside of Durham.”

Last night’s Miami Marlins opener was delayed 16 minutes by rain in the second inning, because the roof operators couldn’t get the roof closed fast enough. If only their supervisor had been armed.

As pictures of all of these plastic cups full of something that isn’t beer circulate after Opening Night for the Cubs at Wrigley Field, here’s a tip for other teams: If you are doing a major renovation on your stadium, do the bathrooms first.

Norwegian Cruise Line has an “enhanced” room service menu on some of their ships. And those menus will include a “convenience charge” of up to $7.95 per order. “Convenience charge?”! And many airlines are thinking, why didn’t we think of that?

Mercedes Benz is coming out with a pickup truck. The perfect vehicle for all those cowboy politicians who still want to pretend they can relate to the “common man.”

LeGarrette Blount, suspended 3 times at Oregon, and arrested last year for marijuana possession has now been suspended without pay for the 1st game of the 2015 season for a “violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.” This is clearly part of football’s strict “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.


An unnamed NBC source told Vanity Fair that Brian Williams “could not say the words ‘I lied.’ …He couldn’t explain what had happened. Asking ‘Did something happen to [my] head? Maybe I had a brain tumor, or something in my head?'”

Sounds increasingly clear that Williams was in the wrong business, He sounds less like a newsman than a politician.

Despite a perhaps less than stellar record, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel has won re-election. Should we be surprised? The town’s residents have a long history of supporting the “devil you know.” I mean, how many people have given up being Cubs fans?

Lots of headlines about Derick and Jill Dillard (neé Duggar, of “19 Kids and Counting” having their first baby last night…. And thinking, as popular as this show is in some circles, wonder what the reaction would be if they were African-American?


Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ manuscript sold for $1.2 million, Now, “American Pie” is iconic enough that even the younger generation knows the song. But many of them are wondering “What’s a manuscript?”

A white police officer has been arrested and charged with murder after a video showed him repeatedly shooting and killing a 50 year old black man who was running away. Well, this might get some changes made. Wonder how many states will outlaw cellphone videos?


The scariest thing about ‪#‎WalterScott‬ video is wondering how many of these shootings have happened where there is no cellphone video.

Rand Paul is the latest to declare for 2016. While Paul has many interesting libertarian policies, he’s also come up with gems like this, opposing mandatory vaccination because of “many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Sigh ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ Even with medical school degrees.

Opening Day- Closing night

April 6, 2015

On Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently got the loudest ovation of any player when he was introduced. Figures, most comics work nights and had the day off.

The NY Times reported today that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. So where is Donald Trump’s call for Jeb’s birth certificate?

Anyone but me think Mike Krzyzewski must have a really scary looking portrait in an attic somewhere? ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬ ‪#‎Duke‬


Two controversial calls down the stretch that both went the Blue Devils’ way should do wonders for Duke continuing to be universally loved across the country.

Bo Ryan, 67, would have become the oldest coach in NCAA tournament history to win his first national championship if Wisconsin won tonight. 67?! Makes Ryan about the average age of the San Antonio Spurs.

The Los Angeles Dodgers won 6-3 today, but Clayton Kershaw gave up 3 runs in 6 innings. That’s it, he’s clearly over the hill.

Pedroia and Ramirez on space for 324 home runs each. Pablo Sandoval on pace for 486 strikeouts. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ ‪#‎Redsox‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So much for all those who thought Kentucky could beat an NBA team. Of course, they still might be able to beat the Lakers.

The Cubs went 0-13 with runners in scoring position and lost 3-0 on “opening night.” So how many of the Wrigley faithful are breaking out new “Wait until next year” t-shirts?

From my friend Scott Russell. “It is apropos that the Red Sox play Boston College in their exhibition opener and the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day.” Scott does not say whether he believes Boston College or the Phillies to have been tougher competition.

In most of Europe, Easter Monday is still a holiday. So why did we in the US fight for independence again?

The playoffs may be different, but for Sunday night, age and treachery still overcome youth and skill. ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a father allegedly decided he was too drunk to drive, and got his 13-year-old son to take him on a beer run. Then dad got into an argument in the store and fired his gun eight times. (fortunately hitting no one.)  He was arrested by cops who were conducting a DWI checkpoint across the street.   Your move, Florida.

So in Missouri, a GOP lawmaker has proposed that a bill that would ban food stamps for being used to buy “cookies, chips, energy drinks, soft drinks, seafood or steak.” Yeah, because you’d hate to have them waste money on tunafish? ‪#‎dotheythinkbeforetheycomeupwiththeselaws‬?

And then there were 2.

April 5, 2015

Some Kentucky players didn’t shake Wisconsin’s hands, Andrew Harrison calls Kaminsky the N-word. Guess another problem with the one-and-done mentality is that not only do professors not teach them anything, Calipari didn’t teach them how to lose.


But really, Wisconsin had motivation from a Final Four loss last year late on a Kentucky 3-point shot.  Had many Wildcats been revenge minded from 2014 they’d have had to track down high school opponents.


Frank Kaminsky said of the racial slur from Andrew Harrison after the racial slur last night.  “He reached out to me, we talked about it, [I’m] over it, Nothing needs to be made out of it.”Classy of Frank.  Of course, maybe it helps that  a- this might have been the first time that a white guy from Illinois with Polish heritage got attacked with the N word, and b – the Badgers won.


At least 29 arrests in Lexington after Kentucky’s loss to Wisconsin last night. Come on, can’t they make it 38 misdemeanors and 1 felony?

Well, on the brighter side for Kentucky players, they’ll get a lot more comfortable in losing next year playing next year for the 76ers, Lakers, Knicks…


Apparently after the semi-final game, Kentucky fans were rioting and lighting things on fire in the streets. Imagine how classy they would have been if the Wildcats actually won.


“Tell him good bye.” ‪#‎LonSimmns‬, 91, has passed away. Another great who will not outlast Candlestick. ‪#‎Byebyebaby‬

Rick Santorum, “Tolerance is a two-way street. If you’re a print shop and you are a gay man, should you be forced to print ‘God hates fags’ for the Westboro Baptist Church because they hold those signs up?” Uh oh. Is Santorum feeling so confident that he’s willing to risk the truly looney vote?


The Obama family attended Easter Sunday Alexandria’s Alfred Street Baptist Church, a predominantly African-American church. No doubt the reaction from many conservatives was split between accusing the President of pandering to minorities, to saying this confirmed his Muslim Baptist tendencies.

About that bridge…

March 26, 2015

Bus to hell time. Seeing that picture over and over again of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz at the Golden Gate bridge. And thinking – why didn’t he just jump off of it?



V. Stiviano in court today said that Donald Sterling was her “soulmate.” I’m confused. For two people to be soulmates don’t they have to have souls?

Just how wrong is Indiana’s new bill that allows business owners to discriminate on religious grounds? A similar bill was vetoed by that wacky liberal Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona.


George Takei is calling for a boycott of Indiana over the new “religious freedom” bill.  Of course, for such a bill to work, people would have to previously have had reason to go to Indiana.

Vanderbilt and Stanford have announced a four game football series in 2021, 2024, 2025 and 2027. This should be interesting – multisyllabic trash talking.

Alex Rodriguez will be subject to increased MLB drug testing after his one-year PED suspension. But to risk being caught for a THIRD time? Just how stupid does baseball think A-Rod is? Oops, never mind

Starbucks has unveiled a limited edition Birthday Cake Frappuccino to celebrate the 20th anniversary of its drink. It will include a “delicious, creamy blend of Vanilla Bean and Hazelnut”, topped with raspberry whipped cream. Starbucks fans are deciding whether to try it, or to just stick with something healthier like a Big Mac.

Top-10 NFL draft prospect Randy Gregory said that he has tested positive in February for marijuana: “I blame myself. And I know it sounds cliché, but there’s really no one else I can blame.”

Okay, clearly the young man, as talented as he is, isn’t NFL ready. Where’s the tainted supplement? Where’s the second-hand smoke? Where’s the “it must have been in brownies?”

And while we’re at it?  Hard to imagine marijuana improving performance (how about that 7.0 40 yard dash?).  And given a choice as far as dangerous drugs, guessing a lot fewer people have been hurt by NFL players who were high on pot vs. those drinking alcohol.

From T.C. “Nebraska defensive end Randy Gregory tested positive for marijuana at the NFL Combine. His agent said Gregory’s response was that he wanted to be a high draft choice.”

Who but me wants to see Wisconsin keep winning just to see what sesquipedalian words Nigel Hayes will come up with in the postgame press conferences.  #MarchMadness.


#‎Kentucky‬ 78, ‪#‎WestVirginia‬ 39. And it wasn’t that close. ‪#‎WVUvsUK‬

Dear Gawd, Pat Robertson this morning on “The 700 Club” What a terrible tragedy. “Was that co-pilot a Muslim?” So congrats to all those who had “about an hour” in the pool.

Your “Awww’ story for the day. Dean Smith, 83, who died last month, set up a trust in his will to send $200 to every one of his varsity players at UNC, with a note to “enjoy a dinner out.” Good thing it’s North Carolina, if Smith had coached at USC or a smaller school the NCAA would no doubt have put the current team on probation.

Newt Gingrich said today at a healthcare conference said not only that he doesn’t think Obamacare should be repealed, but also that House members who claim they want to repeal it really don’t want to either. (Though he does think it should be tweaked.) Is Gingrich trying to be thrown out of the GOP for making too much sense?

Immortality and other options.

March 25, 2015

Still so impressed by Mo’ne Davis’s gracious response to the baseball playing idiot who posted an offensive tweet about her. And my sense is we will be hearing about Mo’ne and what she accomplishes in her life for a long time. As opposed to what’s his name.


Remember “Jon and Kate Plus 8?” Now former reality star Jon Gosselin says he is considering running for the state legislature in Pennsylvania. Gosselin hasn’t said what party, which will no doubt set up a heated battle between Dems and the GOP. “You take him, no YOU take him.”

GOP Rep. Peter King just referred to Ted Cruz as a “carnival barker.” Prompting calls for an apology. From carnival barkers.

A Detroit TV reporter who asked Jim Harbaugh if he is worth the 7-year $38 million contract he signed. And the new Michigan coach responded “No.” You start seeing why Harbaugh is back at the college level. He’s too honest to be an NFL coach.

Indiana Senator Dan Coats retired in 1998. Evan Bayh ran for and won his seat. Then Bayh retired in 2010 and Coats came back and won the seat again. Now Coats is retiring once more. All eyes are on Bayh. If Evan runs will he offer a job as a special consultant to Brett Favre?

At Miller Park this year, the Milwaukee Brewers will sell “Deep Fried Nachos” – beef and beans, rolled in crushed Doritos, fried on a stick and topped with sour cream and cheese. Fans can presumably buy a package including Nacho sticks, a beer, and a turn at the defibrillator.

You cannot make this “stuff” up.    Ted Cruz, who in announcing his candidacy for the Presidency said Monday that he would work to repeat Obamacare, said Tuesday that because his wife is leaving her Goldman Sachs job and losing her insurance that he will sign up for Obamacare.

(as my friend Ian reminds us “You do not like them. SO you say.  Try them! Try them!  And you may. Try them and you may I say.)



Wisconsin men’s basketball forward Sam Dekker on coach Bo Ryan’s game plan. “We try not to do dumb stuff.” So if the Badgers win it all this year, maybe Ryan could retire and run for Congress?


Miss Universe Japan, who was apparently born and raised in Nagasaki, is being criticized by some as not Japanese enough because she is biracial. (Mom is Japanese, dad is African-American.) Out of habit, Donald Trump is demanding to see her birth certificate.

The NFL has announced they are planning a “golden” celebration all year for the upcoming 50th Super Bowl. And of course to attend the game, SERIOUS gold will be required.

Jason Collins testified today against a bill in Indiana that would allow business owners in the state to deny service to same-sex couples for religious reasons. So will the bill also allow hotel owners to demand to see marriage licenses for couples booking a room? Or proof of being a married couple of childbearing age for Viagra prescriptions? For starters?

Sad news about Germanwings (4U) 9525. These airline crashes provoke such different reactions: Friends and families are devastated, the travel industry tries to reassure other travelers, and CNN and media are trying not to appear thankful for the ratings boost.

No “I” in Team.

December 4, 2012

And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.

Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.


Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.

A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?



New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”



RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?

Adds Nick Coombs,  “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”


And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….

President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?

Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.

A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”

Groaner alert:

There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”

Money, money, money…

March 31, 2011

For all those Colorado fans who thought their team should have been picked over VCU for the NCAA tournament – how’s that loss last night to Alabama in the NIT semifinals feeling?

For anyone sick of the tawdry Bonds trial, here’s a story from the warm fuzzy world of college football – The AP reported that 4 former Auburn players have told HBO’s “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” they received thousands of dollars while being recruited by or playing for the Tigers.

One player said he used to get sacks of money after games with $300-400 in them.   Some former USC Trojans sniffed “Well, everything costs less in Alabama.”

When questioned about taking a pay cut to reduce the deficit, Wisconsin GOP Congressman Sean Duffy, who makes $174,000, plus benefits, said “I guarantee most of you, I have more debt than all of you. With six kids, I still pay off my student loans. I still pay my mortgage. I drive a used minivan.” Hmm, maybe Republicans shouldn’t have been so quick to vote to defund Planned Parenthood?”

PETA now wants the part of San Francisco known as the “Tenderloin” to be known as the “Tempeh” district. PETA’s executive VP wrote that “the city deserves a neighborhood named after a delicious cruelty-free food instead of the flesh of an abused animal.” I guess next the singles bars in the area will be known as “Tofu markets?

BCS Executive Director Bill Hanock is talking about kicking the Fiesta Bowl out of the system after the bowl admitted to “excessive compensation, nonbusiness and inappropriate expenditures and inappropriate gifts” Hancock said that the BCS “will not be associated with this kind of behavior.” And really, the Fiesta Bowl should have known better.  The BCS has always been completely against “inappropriate behavior”, unless it involves SEC and Big 10 teams.  (And maybe  USC.)

Sarah Palin referred to the military attack in Libya as a “squirmish.” If we’re going to be making up words I would say “squirmish” is what intelligent Republicans get every time Sarah Palin opens her mouth.

And not to whine, but, the Tonight Show has no women freelancers,  and says they don’t need more freelancers.  But they do seem to regularly come up with “great minds” jokes a day or two after I post on my blog.  Probably just a coincidence….

Here’s my joke from March 29:

Whole Foods has opened small bars, focused on local beer and wine, inside a dozen of their stores, and plans to open more. I guess the plan is, the more customers drink, the less they will notice how expensive the grocery prices are.

Here’s Jay Leno’s joke on March 30:

The organic grocery store Whole Foods is putting beer and wine bars in some of their stores. The goal is to get you so drunk you won’t notice the prices.

Springing forward….

March 12, 2011
There were long lines at Apple Stores this weekend for the new iPad 2.  Well, it’s not like most of those in line were missing anything important, like a date.
Disney’s animated movie “Mars needs Moms,” about a boy whose mom gets kidnapped by Martians, bombed Fridayat the box office with only a $1.7 million take.  Makes sense, the concept sounds scary to young kids, and teenagers already think their moms ARE martians.
Another in the long line of “Does this really need a punchline” items:
Michele Bachmann made her first visit to New Hampshire as a 2012 potential presidental candidate. And not once but twice told Republican crowds,  “You’re the state where the shot was heard around the world at Lexington and Concord.”
Give the gal a break though, living in Minnesota she can’t see New England from her house.
Rick Santorum (2011) on Newt Gingrich- the indiscretions are “not an issue” with regard to where he stands on matters of policy. Rick Santorum (1999) – after voting to convict Bill Clinton – “I think it’s a sign of decadence and decay. Which is a threat to the fabric of this country.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and league general counsel Jeff Pash said they are cutting their salaries to $1 each during the lockout. No word on how many millions they will get in a bonus from the owners if they break the players union.
Despite Scott Walker’s already signing the anti-collective bargaining agreement into law, Wisconsin labor protesters are refusing to quit. Well, maybe Brett Favre didn’t set such a bad example after all.
As we approach NCAA Selection Sunday,, here’s a headline most sports fans thought they’d never see “Harvard on bubble after tough loss.”
(Normally the only bubbles  Harvard men are concerned with have to do with the stock market.)
Cris Collingsworth was among those rescued when a floating barge restaurant broke loose across from Cincinnati and drifted down the Ohio. Normally the only people up that river without a paddle are Bengals fans.
(My friend Tony asks “But is Cris’s hair okay?”   The good news answer is that his hair is in stable condition but doctors expect it to make a full recovery.)

No, it’s not a typo:

November 14, 2010

Wisconsin 83, Indiana 20. Worst loss in Indiana history. Or at least since Dan Quayle last played scrabble.

83 points?  Seriously.  Today being the Wisconsin punter was about as relevant as being a caterer at a convention of super models.

Nick Coombs sent in this stat, the only time the  Wisconsin men scored 83 in basketball last year was against… Indiana.

(For anyone who doesnt follow college basketball, Wisconsin’s basketball team, while usually pretty good,  plays a very defensive style that results in very low scoring games,  even in years when the team is good enough to make the NCAA tournament.)

The U.S. Post Office lost over $8 billion last year and may have to go to five day a week mail service. Angry Americans plan to start a Facebook and email campaign to “Save Saturday delivery.”
This weekend New York City is hosting the two-day Quidditch World Cup.  And over 40 broomstick-riding teams are participating.
Wonder if the championship trophy will be given out by Christine O’Donnell?
But really?  Quidditch?   Even Trekkies are saying “How geeky can you get?”
NFL priorities: This week the Panthers’ Jon Beason of the Carolina Panthers fined $10,000 for a hit to the head on the Saint’s Marques Colston. Meanwhile Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000, for wearing gold cleats.

Reader Augie’s comment on David Lee, who compared the pain of  his infected elbow to giving birth. 

“Maybe David Lee’s wife gave birth to a 10lb elbow. Just think if he had gotten his head stuck in a hoop instead.”

LeAnn Rimes actually  tweeted her best wishes to her ex-husband, who she famously cheated on,  She then added in another tweet “my congrats is from my heart. Sorry if you don’t understand it. I do not need the publicity, I get plenty”

Uh, LeAnn, if you don’t need the publicity, maybe a congratulatory phone call or email might have been better?

Warning,  the next joke will only make sense to hockey fans.

What’s the difference between the Maple Leafs and the Sharks?  The regular season and the postseason.