Posted tagged ‘Duke jokes’

Harsh

January 27, 2017

ESPN reports Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski apparently is disciplining players by temporarily kicking them out of the locker room and forbidding them from wearing team gear.
Shame coach K is at Duke, at many top basketball schools he could issue the ultimate punishment – make them go to class.

Seahawks assistant coach Rocky Seto is leaving the team to enter the ministry. Hmm, if he really wants to be around  a lot of people praying every Sunday, maybe Seto should join the 49ers.

LeBron James was already unhappy about Cavs roster. Now Cleveland lost to Sacramento Kings. Who’s getting fired this time?

Things are getting crazy enough in U.S. that Americans are actually looking forward to the sober sensibility of Super Bowl media week.

OT Joe Thomas says the Browns should use their first pick on a pass rusher. Now, before Deshaun Watson gets too happy about potentially dodging that bullet, remember, the #2 pick goes to the 49ers.

Steve Bannon “I want you to quote this. The media here is the opposition party.” Time to subscribe to another newspaper. #Resist

On a positive note, have to guess that President Trump is really really good for U.S. wine sales.

Dow when Obama took office, 7949. Dow when Obama left, 19,887. Now Trump taking credit for Dow 20,000. Talk about Hidden Figures.

President wants a 20% tax on all U.S. imports from Mexico to pay for the wall. Uh, $2.8 billion of that is beer. Drink up, Trump voters.

Scientists have moved #doomsdayclock closer to midnight. Kellyanne Conway explains that White House clock runs on alternative time.

While 20% Mexico tariffs make their fruit expensive, we build a wall to keep immigrants out. Uh, who’s going to pick the fruit we grow?

Now Mexican Pres. Nieto isn’t attending a meeting w/ Trump Jan 31.over wall $$$.. But who needs Mexico when Trump Tower has best taco bowls?

Reince Priebus ‘If you defy the laws of this country, you shouldn’t receive federal taxpayer dollars’
But if you settle a fraud lawsuit for $25 million you can live in taxpayer-paid housing.

Who says I never post anything nice about Republicans?! Vamos Lindsey!

“Simply put, any policy proposal which drives up costs of Corona, tequila, or margaritas is a big-time bad idea. Mucho Sad. (2)”

The Trump administration is likely to eliminate a proposed DOT rule requiring airlines and travel agents to disclose baggage fees during a fare search.
Well, of course, travelers who don’t like baggage fees should just use a private plane.

GOP voters today: “Fantastic, Trump shrinking govt & instituting hiring freeze.” GOP voters next month. “Why can’t i get my call answered?”

Nothing is Urban Meyer’s fault

November 1, 2015

Ohio State starting QB J.T. Barrett, 20, was arrested for alleged DUI after police saw him trying to evade a checkpoint. Urban Meyer has suspended him for the Buckeyes’ game against Minnesota, Nov 7, but Barrett will be back for games against Michigan State and Michigan. Well, of course he will. ‪#‎UrbanMeyer‬

Great timing at least on the arrest of OSU’s starting QB, he will be back from his one game suspension in time for the mid-November release of coach Urban Meyer’s new book “Above the Line: Lessons in Leadership and Life.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari drew the order for today’s Breeder’s Cup Classic horse race. Makes sense, Calipari is a good fit with talented young athletes who don’t go to class.

So it wasn’t the  Triple Crown, but ‪#‎AmericanPharoah‬ put on another damned impressive performance. Spend 2 minutes if you can and watch the replay ‪#‎BreedersCup‬

Tim Tebow went as a SWAT officer for Halloween. Good thing it’s just a costume, with Tebow’s reputation for accuracy this is one guy you probably don’t ever want to see in a job needing a gun.

So the RNC is so upset at CNBC parent NBC they have suspended future debates. But Donald Trump, who complained as much as anyone, doesn’t seem angry enough to give up the SNL hosting. ‪#‎nosuchthingasbadpublicity‬?

It wasn’t that long ago that if someone told you Duke was favored over Miami you would think it had to be basketball

So how did Miami score that game-winning touchdown against Duke without the help of the Stanford band?

Better to be lucky than good? Or lucky and good? ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎wideright‬

Royals fans at Kaufmann Stadium were surprisingly nice last year about the SF Giants and friendly to their fans. Just guessing that assuming the World Series goes back to Kansas City, the Mets’ Noah Syndergaard made sure that won’t happen again.

After a costly E-4 tonight for Daniel Murphy, beginning to think that Westboro Baptist Church endorsement might not have been the best karma for the Mets second baseman.

So the 49ers are having a disappointing season, their QB is regressing, and fans are having a hard time selling unused tickets. What does the team do… waive one of the few popular players – former Australian Rugby League star Jarryd Hayne.
Winning with class or losing with an ass? ‪#‎JedYork‬

In California, four cities haven’t cut their water use enough during the drought and will be fined $61,000 apiece – the Coachella Valley Water District, Indio, Redlands, and Beverly Hills. Okay, $61,000 for the city of Beverly Hills?! On Rodeo Drive that’s almost enough to buy a purse.

On Halloween, what could possibly be scarier than the fact that Ben Carson and Donald Trump are leading the GOP polls?

Chris Christie, angry with a NY Times editorial that suggested he drop out of the Presidential race and go back to doing his job in NJ, where he has lost touch. “They are worried I will beat their candidate, Hillary Clinton.”
Uh, Governor Christie, it actually might be proof you’re out of touch if you think the Times has been pro-Hillary Clinton

Missed it by how much?

April 8, 2015

The NCAA’s supervisor of officials said none of them saw the CBS video feed on the controversial out-of-bounds call at the end of the national championship game. But today Dan Gavitt, the NCAA’s VP told ESPN that officials DID see it. Ah, well this ought to reassure all the Duke conspiracy theorists….

 

The Boston Celtics are making a late push for the #8 seed in the Eastern Conference. Isn’t that the NBA equivalent of making it to the March Madness play-in game?

The mayor of Hillsboro, Mo, population 2,800, died March 9, but was re-elected yesterday. Well, maybe the voters figured, it’s been a month, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

 

 

New York Knicks owner James Dolan just said in an interview “You got to believe, baby! I believe, I believe!” And even Cubs fans are saying “Are you bleeping nuts?”

Someone is selling a New Orleans Saints Super Bowl ring on Craigslist. Maybe one of the Jets should buy it, might be their best chance at getting a ring.

Mitt Romney who had Duke over Wisconsin in the NCAA championship, tweeted “Should have put $10,000 on my bracket. Congrats, Coach K and @DukeU,” Prompting an immediate call for Romney to reconsider entering the 2016 race, from Pete Rose.

I understand the American way of justice, and it’s mostly a good thing. Still seems somehow odd to spend millions of dollars saving a critically injured man’s life, and then millions of dollars to try him, and then probably now millions of dollars over appeals to a death penalty conviction. ‪#‎BostonMarathonExplosion‬

A new book about the White House says that during a fight after the Monica Lewinsky affair came to light, Hillary Clinton called Bill a “g*ddamn b*stard” and that she had him sleep on a couch for a few months. Some say the revelations could hurt Hillary’s candidacy. Thinking it might make a lot of women like her better.

 

Aqib Talib, a CB for the Denver Broncos, who had charges dropped after an alleged gun incident in 2011, is apparently being investigated again for allegedly firing a gun into the air during a fight at a Dallas nightclub. So clearly the Aaron Hernandez trial is serving as a cautionary lesson to other NFL players. ‪#‎facepalm‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Pitcher Chris Heston missed his Opening Day start for the Sacramento River Cats. Bummer.  ‪#‎SFGiants‬

(and the way his start went, he may never have that start.)

The media is reporting that last year Barry Manilow married his manager and apparently  long time partner. Garry Kief.  I am shocked, said absolutely positively nobody.

 

A scary thought about that South Carolina case. If the person with the cellphone video saw what really happened, what about that officer’s partner?

As Rand Paul is getting unfavorable coverage for lecturing journalists, especially female journalists, on how to do their jobs, #”‪#‎Randsplaining‬ is trending on Twitter. Well, it’s a good thing for Paul that if he stays in the Presidential race he won’t have to be dealing with this sort of thing in future. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantfixarrogant‬ either.

Do you see what I see?

April 7, 2015

Oops. The NCAA’s supervisor of officials admitted today that the officials who gave possession to Duke after a late out-of-bounds play, didn’t have all the angles that CBS had. Although the TV replay showed the Blue Devils’ Winslow touching the ball with his fingertips. But to be fair, with amateur sports it’s not like the NCAA really has the money to do it right.

If we’re going to have legalized discrimination, can some state become a pioneer in saying businesses do not have to serve stupid people? Because ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Mitt Romney finished in the the top 1% of contestants in the ESPN NCAA tournament challenge, having Duke and Wisconsin and Duke winning it all. President Obama was in the 40th percentile. Of course, had Obama done as well as Romney the GOP would accuse him of having neglected his duties to focus on basketball.

Kentucky coach John Calipari says he expects “five to seven players” to declare for the NBA draft.  It’s a scary choice for these young men. But since returnees must be academically eligible, they’ll have to figure out how to find the classrooms.

From Marty Robinson:  “In Monday night’s NCAA championship game, Duke rallied to beat Wisconsin, earning their 5th title in the Coach K era. “Wonderful” said absolutely nobody outside of Durham.”

Last night’s Miami Marlins opener was delayed 16 minutes by rain in the second inning, because the roof operators couldn’t get the roof closed fast enough. If only their supervisor had been armed.

As pictures of all of these plastic cups full of something that isn’t beer circulate after Opening Night for the Cubs at Wrigley Field, here’s a tip for other teams: If you are doing a major renovation on your stadium, do the bathrooms first.

Norwegian Cruise Line has an “enhanced” room service menu on some of their ships. And those menus will include a “convenience charge” of up to $7.95 per order. “Convenience charge?”! And many airlines are thinking, why didn’t we think of that?

Mercedes Benz is coming out with a pickup truck. The perfect vehicle for all those cowboy politicians who still want to pretend they can relate to the “common man.”

LeGarrette Blount, suspended 3 times at Oregon, and arrested last year for marijuana possession has now been suspended without pay for the 1st game of the 2015 season for a “violation of the league’s substance abuse policy.” This is clearly part of football’s strict “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.

 

An unnamed NBC source told Vanity Fair that Brian Williams “could not say the words ‘I lied.’ …He couldn’t explain what had happened. Asking ‘Did something happen to [my] head? Maybe I had a brain tumor, or something in my head?'”

Sounds increasingly clear that Williams was in the wrong business, He sounds less like a newsman than a politician.

Despite a perhaps less than stellar record, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel has won re-election. Should we be surprised? The town’s residents have a long history of supporting the “devil you know.” I mean, how many people have given up being Cubs fans?

Lots of headlines about Derick and Jill Dillard (neé Duggar, of “19 Kids and Counting” having their first baby last night…. And thinking, as popular as this show is in some circles, wonder what the reaction would be if they were African-American?

 

Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’ manuscript sold for $1.2 million, Now, “American Pie” is iconic enough that even the younger generation knows the song. But many of them are wondering “What’s a manuscript?”

A white police officer has been arrested and charged with murder after a video showed him repeatedly shooting and killing a 50 year old black man who was running away. Well, this might get some changes made. Wonder how many states will outlaw cellphone videos?

 

The scariest thing about ‪#‎WalterScott‬ video is wondering how many of these shootings have happened where there is no cellphone video.

Rand Paul is the latest to declare for 2016. While Paul has many interesting libertarian policies, he’s also come up with gems like this, opposing mandatory vaccination because of “many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Sigh ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ Even with medical school degrees.

Opening Day- Closing night

April 6, 2015

On Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently got the loudest ovation of any player when he was introduced. Figures, most comics work nights and had the day off.

The NY Times reported today that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. So where is Donald Trump’s call for Jeb’s birth certificate?

Anyone but me think Mike Krzyzewski must have a really scary looking portrait in an attic somewhere? ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬ ‪#‎Duke‬

 

Two controversial calls down the stretch that both went the Blue Devils’ way should do wonders for Duke continuing to be universally loved across the country.

Bo Ryan, 67, would have become the oldest coach in NCAA tournament history to win his first national championship if Wisconsin won tonight. 67?! Makes Ryan about the average age of the San Antonio Spurs.

The Los Angeles Dodgers won 6-3 today, but Clayton Kershaw gave up 3 runs in 6 innings. That’s it, he’s clearly over the hill.

Pedroia and Ramirez on space for 324 home runs each. Pablo Sandoval on pace for 486 strikeouts. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ ‪#‎Redsox‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So much for all those who thought Kentucky could beat an NBA team. Of course, they still might be able to beat the Lakers.

The Cubs went 0-13 with runners in scoring position and lost 3-0 on “opening night.” So how many of the Wrigley faithful are breaking out new “Wait until next year” t-shirts?

From my friend Scott Russell. “It is apropos that the Red Sox play Boston College in their exhibition opener and the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day.” Scott does not say whether he believes Boston College or the Phillies to have been tougher competition.

In most of Europe, Easter Monday is still a holiday. So why did we in the US fight for independence again?

The playoffs may be different, but for Sunday night, age and treachery still overcome youth and skill. ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a father allegedly decided he was too drunk to drive, and got his 13-year-old son to take him on a beer run. Then dad got into an argument in the store and fired his gun eight times. (fortunately hitting no one.)  He was arrested by cops who were conducting a DWI checkpoint across the street.   Your move, Florida.

So in Missouri, a GOP lawmaker has proposed that a bill that would ban food stamps for being used to buy “cookies, chips, energy drinks, soft drinks, seafood or steak.” Yeah, because you’d hate to have them waste money on tunafish? ‪#‎dotheythinkbeforetheycomeupwiththeselaws‬?

Room for one more?

March 29, 2015

Carly Fiorina said today there’s a ‘higher than 90 percent’ chance she’ll run for the GOP presidential nomination. And why not? Why should there be a “no girls allowed” sign on the clown car?

 

 

 

Carly Fiorina attacked Hillary Clinton Sunday saying that Clinton “doesn’t know what leadership means,” and that her “character is flawed.” And who better to opine on those two subjects than a woman whose leadership and character prompted HP’s board to pay her $20 million just to go away.

Indiana Governor Pence said it was “not a mistake” to sign the “religious freedom” law. Have to think some other governors agree with him – particularly those who compete with Indiana for convention business.

Passengers had to be rescued after the Coney Island Cyclone got stuck on its first ride of the year. And many New Yorkers are thinking that this spring rather than riding actual roller coasters they’ll just stick to watching the Mets

Apparently some people are taking selfies in front of the New York East Village building that blew up last week, resulting in 25 injuries and probably two deaths. Which is shocking on two levels, perhaps less that folks are that insensitive, but more that they are stupid enough to post them publicly.

Not only is there no Cinderella this year, Mike Krzyzewski, Tom Izzo, John Calipari and Bo Ryan probably can recite the answers, and the questions, from Final Four reporters by heart.

These days Duke too has embraced the “one and done” philosophy. Which for many basketball fans just means they can now just hate individual Blue Devils for a shorter time.

British Airways says some of their frequent-flyer accounts have been hacked. and some Executive Club members may not be able to use their miles until the airline resolves the issue. And perhaps until British Airways and others figure out how to add a “mileage security” fee.

Alabama coach Nick Saban last year signed Jonathan Taylor, a 6’4″, 335 pound defensive lineman, who was dismissed from Georgia’s football team after an arrest for felony domestic violence. Saban said at the time “he was the kind of guy that deserved a second chance.” Now Taylor has been arrested again for domestic violence. I guess “the kind of guy that deserved a second chance” translates to “he’s a 6’4″ 335 lb defensive lineman.”

One week until MLB opening night in Chicago. Where the temperature today was a high of 46 degrees and the low tonight is projected at 37. Heck, if baseball wanted it to be that cold for the first game maybe they could have asked the demolition crews at Candlestick Park to hold off a little longer.

Why does ‪#‎religiousfreedom‬ so often mean “freedom for everyone to follow MY religion?

Bad boys and girls.

March 25, 2011

So how many Duke haters hate them more now? Since the Blue Devils’ getting trashed by Arizona busted their brackets?

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Despite his baggage, apparently nine NFL teams are talking to Cam Newton. Wonder if some day they will make a documentary of this titled “Smart Organizations, Foolish Choices?”

The UConn Huskies, Butler Bulldogs and Arizona Wildcats all advanced to the Elite Eight. Shame the BYU Cougars lost in overtime to Florida. We could have subtitled the next round “Finding out the truth about cats and dogs.”

Although speaking of catch phrases for this tournament, can SOMEONE please come up with something more original than the “Butler did it?”  (I don’t have one yet….maybe “Butler cleaning house?” Suggestions encouraged.

An air traffic controller was suspended at National Airport after he fell asleep on the job. A new rule has thus been implemented – controllers are no longer allow to go out for pre-flight Happy Hours with pilots.

At this point we don’t know if charges will be filed against the air traffic controller who fell asleep at National Airport.  In his defense, the controller said he did have a radio in the background turned to one of Joe Biden’s speeches.

Sarah Palin said today “I’m through whining” about the media. Over-under as to whether this resolution lasts a longer or shorter time than Lindsay Lohan’s latest rehab?

Britney Spears had planned an outdoor concert in San Francisco’s Castro district this weekend, but has cancelled it because of the weather. So several Castro residents are happily sitting back and saying “Cool, that rain dance worked.”

Apparently rumors of a Charlie Sheen book deal were premature. Several publishers have said they rejected the proposal because of Sheen’s high price tag and unpredictable behavior. Hmm… this didn’t kill a similar deal for Sarah Palin.

Michele Bachman is thinking of launching an exploratory committee to run for president in 2012. If it starts seeming like she has any chance at all for the GOP nomination, donations will be pouring in, from Democrats.

Point of clarification, and an alas mostly serious statement:  Just as Bill Clinton’s impeachment was technically not about sex, Barry Bonds’ trial is technically not about steroids. Both were charged with lying to grand juries.

But meanwhile, other MLB players have long moved on to PEDs 2.0.

From Marc Ragovin:

So the New York City Council has renamed the 102 year-old Queensborough Bridge for 86 year-old former mayor, Ed Koch. One is an ancient, crumbling piece of infrastructure. The other’s a bridge.

Small victories

March 27, 2009

President Obama has to feel like he is tackling the labors of Hercules these days. But he was right about Duke.

Duke shot 16 for 60 from the field against Villanova in one of their worst tournament performances ever. In fact, their shooting percentage was so bad the team was invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Another good news item for President Obama. He chose Joe Biden over Chris Dodd as a running mate.

President Obama during his online news conference said he did not think legalizing marijuana was a good idea to help the economy. So much for the stimulus package for Krispy Kreme.


Many New Yorkers are really missing Eliot Spitzer. Not only was he one of the first people to be right about companies like AIG, he also knew how to spend money for a successful stimulus.


Sarah Palin was complaining again today about last fall’s campaign, saying that that there was no one on the McCain campaign who she wanted to “hold hands with and pray.”

Actually, after Senator McCain chose Sarah Palin his campaign staff spent plenty of time praying.


Or – She couldn’t find anyone because they were too busy wringing each other’s hands.

How strange is Sarah Palin acting these days? Even Nayda Suleman said “that woman is wacky.”

Hillary Clinton said that North Korea firing a missle would be considered a “provocative” act. Bill Clinton said that this might be the first time the words “Hillary” and “provocative” have been used in the same sentense.