Posted tagged ‘Butler jokes’

Liestrong

February 3, 2015

Class, nothing but class. Police in Aspen cited Lance Armstrong for failing to report an accident and speeding last month, after he allegedly hit two parked cars after a party, and got his girlfriend to say she was driving to avoid “a national story.” ‪#‎Liestrong‬

You have to wonder how Armstrong thought he would get away with it.  Although if this story really starts going viral, Lance may start getting bouquets, from Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

Hear that Pete Carroll was supposed to throw out the first pitch at a Mariners game. But fans are asking Seattle management if Marshawn Lynch can just run the ball in instead.

Tom Brady says he plans to give the Chevy Colorado he won as Super Bowl MVP to Malcolm Butler. A nice gesture. Though before Butler drives the truck he might want to check the pressure in the tires.

From Marc Ragovin. Who hears Pete Carroll will be starring in a new movie – “The Wrongest Yard.”

A truck carrying frozen chicken collided with a truck carrying bees near Palm Springs Tuesday and both vehicles caught fire. Both drivers escaped, but beware of imminent sales featuring heavily discounted honey barbequed chicken.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC), arguing against “regulatory burdens,” this week said that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Well, so much for dinner parties at HIS house

To be fair, the Senator did say they should then post a sign saying they didn’t have the rule and then the marketplace would take care of it. Okay, then, do we need a government regulation to REQUIRE such restaurants to put up a sign?

Rep. John Boehner: “I do believe all children ought to be vaccinated.” Some in the GOP are worried. Next thing the Speaker of the House will do is make some heretical statement about believing in science.

 

Some blame the measles outbreak on undocumented immigrants. Considering that this all started from Disneyland, and a single day at the park is $400 for a family of four before parking and food (closer to $600 if you also visit California Adventure), I’m thinking the odds of the child in question being from a wealthy anti-vaccine family are more than slightly higher.

Rand Paul, “I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Does this explain some of his colleagues?

Charlie Manson’s marriage license with his 26 year old girlfriend has apparently expired. So guess what. psycho ladies? He’s available.

Browns WR Josh Gordon, who allegedly tested positive for alcohol while on probation, has been suspended for a year by the NFL. Rumor has it he was partying with Manziel. This presumably is not what Cleveland had in mind when Johnny Football said he would “wreck this league.:

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Johnny Manziel has checked into rehab—this just in:three local Las Vegas casino workers unions have filed for bankruptcy.”

Timing is everything…. A Royal Caribbean ship made headlines today for cutting a cruise short because over 200 people became sick with norovirus, which causes nausea and diarrhea. And just got this in my email from the cruise line “Last minute deals, going, going, gone…”

 

Yes, “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” But I don’t have a problem with Jordan’s revenge today. They were far more merciful than ISIS.

 

It’s Monday and already it’s a long week.

April 12, 2011

The World Champion San Francisco Giants have really been struggling on defense for the first ten games of the season. Maybe the team should leave their World Series rings off when they take the field?

Latest redundancy: Struggling New York Mets bullpen.

Poor Rory McIlroy – on the brink of his first major championship, he inexplicably just couldn’t put the ball where he wanted it. On a brighter note,   Rory has been offered an honorary degree from Butler.

from Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying that Rory McIlroy is young, but he looks like he should be playing with Chevy Chase and Ted Knight.”

The NFLPA has suggested that players may not want to attend the NFL draft ceremony to show solidarity with locked out veterans. Cam Newton, however, has announced he will be there. Can’t imagine how Cam got a reputation for being a selfish egoist.

CNN says this is “breaking news.” – Mitt Romney says he formed an exploratory committee as a first step in a potential run for GOP presidential nomination. With all due respect, when has Mitt ever stopped running?

Go figure, the Mormon is the only serious male candidate in the race who’s only had one wife.

The Marlins look more than respectable this year, the Rays look woeful, but the real headline sports story opening week in Florida? A quarterback controversy after the Gators’ spring scrimmage in Gainesville. (That lousy attendance for both teams isn’t just their stadiums.)

Two former University of San Diego basketball players and an assistant coach are amongst nine people who  have been indicted for allegedly taking a bribe to influence the outcome of a game against UC Riverside. What’s most shocking? People actually bet on a game between USD and UC Riverside?!

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Open question to Tea Party members: So if we are going to slash spending, which foods should the FDA and USDA stop inspecting and regulating? Meat, fruit, vegetables? All of them? Should we just put all producers and growers on the honor system?

And while we’re at it, slash the FAA inspection budget too. It’s not like planes are falling apart in the sky or running into each other on the ground…… Oops, never mind.

53 to 41.

April 5, 2011

Connecticut may be getting the congratulatory phone call from President Obama.   But the way Butler was shooting, they should be getting a call from Dick Cheney.

Butler’s performance might have been the worst ever in a national championship game. Fortunately, UConn’s was only the second worst.

Good thing this final NCAA game started at about 930p Eastern time; impressionable children should not be have been watching.

This could have been the first NCAA men’s basketball championship decided by penalty kicks.

 

In fact, at some points things got so bad sports fans were watching recorded World Cup highlights, just to see some scoring.

 

 

After this game,  Butler coach Brad Stevens had to be thinking “I need a stiff drink.”    Too bad he’s not old enough to legally buy one.

Stanford women have to wish they played UConn or Butler men instead of Texas A & M last night…

How bad was the show?  Kept expecting to watch James Franco take over the announcing.

Hard to believe after about a month of excitement and drama, that after tonight’s  UConn-Butler game, men’s college basketball will be done until next fall. But fans of amateur talent will still have the Cavaliers and the Wizards.

From Michael Duca,  “My son points out something the California Golden Bears can be proud of: they were one of only two football teams to hold the University of Oregon to fewer points than Butler scored tonight!”

Coach Shaka Smart has turned down a job offer from N.C. State and signed an eight-year contract to stay with the Rams. Well, if nothing else, based on results, VCU has a better basketball program..

Back to baseball:    The  Baltimore Orioles are 4-0? So for right now that’s “O”s as in “OMG.

Well, maybe they’re not quite as up-to-the-minute as they think: Just heard this driving home on the radio – “Stay tuned to KNBR for all the latest Giants’ news from spring training.”

Some comments don’t even need a punchline. According to CNN, the owner of the Gulf of Mexico oil rig that exploded last year, killing 11 workers and leading to what has been called the worst oil spill ever, said Monday that calling 2010 its “best year” in safety “may have been insensitive.”

Then there were two:

April 3, 2011

Monday night – Butler Bulldogs vs. Connecticut Huskies for the National Championship. Well, whichever side they choose, all sports fans can at least say they have a dog in this fight.

Marc Ragovin’s take on the game “Huskies vs. Bulldogs, or as Michael Vick calls it, ‘winning.'”

Headline basketball fans thought we’d never see: “Butler ends (anyone’s) Cinderella run.”

After that 56-55 UConn – Kentucky game, a game punctuated by long scoring droughts on both sides,  looking forward to watching the women’s games tomorrow to see some teams who can actually shoot.

Brad Stevens of Butler is unquestionably a great coach. But he looks like a grad student dressed up to interview as a math professor.

And even Buster Posey of the SF Giants says, “Stevens looks like he’s about 12.”

Glenn Beck says Donald Trump is making him “uncomfortable” with some of the extreme things he is saying about President Obama. Isn’t being called too extreme by Glenn Beck like being called a “sleazeball” by John Edwards?

A Florida man who said he was “tired of walking,” was arrested and charged with grand theft auto and marijuana possession. He was caught driving a Krispy Kreme truck with 388 boxes of doughnuts. The man denied the marijuana was his, but apparently the truck had started out with 500 boxes of doughnuts.

No one was hurt in the incident where a Southwest flight made an emergency landing with a hole in the fuselage. But airline executives have thought better of running a commercial saying “Unlike our competitors, we don’t charge extra for an upgrade to a convertible.”

The remains of two woolly mammoths have been found in a farm near Castroville. It’s an amazing discovery – the animals may date all the way back to the first Jerry Brown administration.

Jesse Ventura said Sarah Palin would be a good candidate for the GOP because she would “do what she was told,” and be “controlled by the status quo”.

Now, I’m not a particular Palin fan, but when i think of adjectives, “controllable” is not the first that comes to mind.

Bad boys and girls.

March 25, 2011

So how many Duke haters hate them more now? Since the Blue Devils’ getting trashed by Arizona busted their brackets?

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Despite his baggage, apparently nine NFL teams are talking to Cam Newton. Wonder if some day they will make a documentary of this titled “Smart Organizations, Foolish Choices?”

The UConn Huskies, Butler Bulldogs and Arizona Wildcats all advanced to the Elite Eight. Shame the BYU Cougars lost in overtime to Florida. We could have subtitled the next round “Finding out the truth about cats and dogs.”

Although speaking of catch phrases for this tournament, can SOMEONE please come up with something more original than the “Butler did it?”  (I don’t have one yet….maybe “Butler cleaning house?” Suggestions encouraged.

An air traffic controller was suspended at National Airport after he fell asleep on the job. A new rule has thus been implemented – controllers are no longer allow to go out for pre-flight Happy Hours with pilots.

At this point we don’t know if charges will be filed against the air traffic controller who fell asleep at National Airport.  In his defense, the controller said he did have a radio in the background turned to one of Joe Biden’s speeches.

Sarah Palin said today “I’m through whining” about the media. Over-under as to whether this resolution lasts a longer or shorter time than Lindsay Lohan’s latest rehab?

Britney Spears had planned an outdoor concert in San Francisco’s Castro district this weekend, but has cancelled it because of the weather. So several Castro residents are happily sitting back and saying “Cool, that rain dance worked.”

Apparently rumors of a Charlie Sheen book deal were premature. Several publishers have said they rejected the proposal because of Sheen’s high price tag and unpredictable behavior. Hmm… this didn’t kill a similar deal for Sarah Palin.

Michele Bachman is thinking of launching an exploratory committee to run for president in 2012. If it starts seeming like she has any chance at all for the GOP nomination, donations will be pouring in, from Democrats.

Point of clarification, and an alas mostly serious statement:  Just as Bill Clinton’s impeachment was technically not about sex, Barry Bonds’ trial is technically not about steroids. Both were charged with lying to grand juries.

But meanwhile, other MLB players have long moved on to PEDs 2.0.

From Marc Ragovin:

So the New York City Council has renamed the 102 year-old Queensborough Bridge for 86 year-old former mayor, Ed Koch. One is an ancient, crumbling piece of infrastructure. The other’s a bridge.

Happy Easter.

April 4, 2010

For many Americans, Easter is the holiest day on the calendar. Well, besides Opening Day.


Congratulations to Butler. But how young is their coach Brad Stevens? He had to cut his post-game celebrations off early to get home to wait for the Easter Bunny.


Butler won 52 to 50 despite going almost 11 minutes without a field goal. At one point many fans were checking to see if there was a hockey game on a different channel in hopes of seeing some actual scoring.

Congrats also to the Cal women, who won the NIT women’s basketball title game 73-61 over Miami. So what do you yell when you win the NIT? “We’re number 65?!”

Groaner time…

It’s the time of year when many Americans, not only children, are dreaming of chocolate eggs and rabbits. And realizing, “you’re nobunny ’til somebunny loves you.”

Okay, who thought this would happen simultaneously in our lifetimes? The President of the United States is black…and most of the players on the NCAA men’s basketball teams playing for the national championship are white.

Apparently Callaway Golf will award a full set of its new Diablo Edge clubs to any player in major league baseball who hits a home run at least 470 feet. But what about those other players they couldn’t do it without – Pitchers. Shouldn’t they have a chance to win a prize for giving up such a home run? Barry Zito could end up with this own driving range.


Actually, another interesting question about these prizes for home runs. How long before Calloway limits the prize to home runs NOT hit at Yankee Stadium?


Rudy Giuliani is trying to pay back Governor Charlie Crist for not endorsing him in the Florida presidential primary, by endorsing Crist’s conservative opponent, Marco Rubio, in the Republican Senate primary. Well that ought to help Rubio with the Floridians who voted for Giuliani, both of them.


From Bill Littlejohn, after Carrie Underwood, engaged to NHL player Mike Fisher, announced that the ring bearer will be her pet Chihuahua: “So who’s catering the wedding, Taco Bell?”

(and I have to wonder, what’s the title of the wedding video going to be? Legally Married Blonde? )