Posted tagged ‘Chicago Cubs jokes’

Room for one more?

March 29, 2015

Carly Fiorina said today there’s a ‘higher than 90 percent’ chance she’ll run for the GOP presidential nomination. And why not? Why should there be a “no girls allowed” sign on the clown car?




Carly Fiorina attacked Hillary Clinton Sunday saying that Clinton “doesn’t know what leadership means,” and that her “character is flawed.” And who better to opine on those two subjects than a woman whose leadership and character prompted HP’s board to pay her $20 million just to go away.

Indiana Governor Pence said it was “not a mistake” to sign the “religious freedom” law. Have to think some other governors agree with him – particularly those who compete with Indiana for convention business.

Passengers had to be rescued after the Coney Island Cyclone got stuck on its first ride of the year. And many New Yorkers are thinking that this spring rather than riding actual roller coasters they’ll just stick to watching the Mets

Apparently some people are taking selfies in front of the New York East Village building that blew up last week, resulting in 25 injuries and probably two deaths. Which is shocking on two levels, perhaps less that folks are that insensitive, but more that they are stupid enough to post them publicly.

Not only is there no Cinderella this year, Mike Krzyzewski, Tom Izzo, John Calipari and Bo Ryan probably can recite the answers, and the questions, from Final Four reporters by heart.

These days Duke too has embraced the “one and done” philosophy. Which for many basketball fans just means they can now just hate individual Blue Devils for a shorter time.

British Airways says some of their frequent-flyer accounts have been hacked. and some Executive Club members may not be able to use their miles until the airline resolves the issue. And perhaps until British Airways and others figure out how to add a “mileage security” fee.

Alabama coach Nick Saban last year signed Jonathan Taylor, a 6’4″, 335 pound defensive lineman, who was dismissed from Georgia’s football team after an arrest for felony domestic violence. Saban said at the time “he was the kind of guy that deserved a second chance.” Now Taylor has been arrested again for domestic violence. I guess “the kind of guy that deserved a second chance” translates to “he’s a 6’4″ 335 lb defensive lineman.”

One week until MLB opening night in Chicago. Where the temperature today was a high of 46 degrees and the low tonight is projected at 37. Heck, if baseball wanted it to be that cold for the first game maybe they could have asked the demolition crews at Candlestick Park to hold off a little longer.

Why does ‪#‎religiousfreedom‬ so often mean “freedom for everyone to follow MY religion?


The pain, the pain….

August 3, 2013

Illinois legalized medical marijuana. At the signing ceremony,   Gov. Pat Quinn said “This is really an important day…for helping people who are dealing with pain every day, often times very severe pain.” And presumably the new law will help state residents who aren’t Cubs fans too.


Negotiations continue between A-Rod and MLB about his suspension. This whole mess is dragging on longer than most of Brett Favre’s retirements.

Aaron Hernandez apparently wrote a letter from jail proclaiming his innocence, and saying he wants to “prove all the haters and down talkers wrong.” Presumably he just forgot to add the part about finding the real killers?

Riley Cooper has been excused from the Philadelphia Eagles to undergo counseling after his racial slur. Some worry how this will affect the team, but have to figure Chip Kelly at Oregon got very good at dealing with “distractions.

Greg Oden signed with the Miami Heat. Guess Oden wanted to be somewhere he felt comfortable driving home with his left blinker on.

The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission saids investigators found “sufficient evidence” that Beamers Private Club in Dallas sold alcohol to Josh Brent when he was already intoxicated person before the fatal crash that killed his teammate. Got it. So the only time they have use for government regulations in Texas is if protecting a football player is involved?

Who says Congress never does anything? Today the House went on recess but only after voting to repeal Obamacare for the 40TH time. Hey folks, don’t you think if Americans really wanted to repeal Obamacare they’d have voted to “repeal” Obama’s presidency in 2012?

Kim Kardashian emerged from post-baby seclusion with a taped message wishing her mom “Good Luck” with her new Kris Jenner show. Not that Kim wants publicity or anything but there’s no way to wish your mom good luck without going on television…. Right.

A 29 year old woman who is an Iraq War veteran and Arizona Cardinals cheerleader was arrested for beating her boyfriend after he got a text from an ex-girlfriend. And maybe Huma Abedin is secretly thinking “Date my husband, please?

High performance?

July 10, 2013

Reports are that MLB will suspend as many as 20 active players for PEDs, including Ryan Braun and A-Rod, possibly on the day after the All-Star Game. So much for ESPN trying to fill a slow sports news day.

Just wondering, after last year and with the Biogenesis story lurking in MLB’s background has Bud Selig suggested to Jim Leyland that he NOT put Bartolo Colon in position to be the All-Star Game MVP?

In an obituary published in the Columbus Dispatch, longtime fan Scott E. Entsminger, 55. requested “six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.” I see a new marketing opportunity for the Chicago Cubs.

The Los Angeles Lakers had the highest luxury tax in the NBA last year – over $29 million. Really. And not even a senior discount?

Details details… So IF Snowden decides to accept asylum in Venezuela, the flights between Moscow and Caracus go through Frankfurt, Paris, Rome, Madrid Miami, JFK or Madrid. All of which require a valid passport for transit. Oops. Add to the list of things Snowden should have thought through…. talking to a good travel agent.

Barnes and Noble announced the resignation of their CEO today. Shocking! Barnes and Noble is still in business?

So in the George Zimmerman circus, er, trial, now the defense planned to introduce evidence that Trayvon Martin had marijuana in his system at the time of his death. Because we all know how energetic and aggressive smoking pot makes you?

After Dwight Howard said he would sign with Houston, the Rockets GM went on Twitter and TV to talk about it. Which is apparently against rules during the July 1-10 free agent moratorium.. So the NBA fined the team $150,000. Right. And flopping is $5,000…. Ah priorities.

-A new rock bottom? San Francisco Giants don’t need a trade. They need a 12-step program.


TC  trying to top my last week’s groaner about Morsi – that his countrymen thought “He Gypped”  them:

“Egypt’s President Mohammed Morsi has been overthrown by the country’s military. Of course he’s still in DeNile.”