Posted tagged ‘American Idol jokes’

Name calling

March 5, 2016

So what are we going to title the next few weeks of the ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬? Since ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ is already taken.

Now Marco Rubio says that Donald Trump is the “most vulgar person ever to aspire to the Presidency.” What’s next, a rousing chorus of “I see London, I see France, I see someone’s underpants?”

 

Astronaut Scott Kelly says he grew two inches in space and now he can’t sink a basketball shot. Hmm, so is this the explanation for big men like Shaq and DeAndre Jordan and free throws? They’re really from a different planet?

Ah for the good old days when ‪#‎votefortheworst‬ just mean you ended up with a lousy winner on ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Saw a headline that “Wall Street is about to go after Trump big time.” Oh this billionaire on billionaire violence….

In a reality TV world should we be surprised that being the only adult in the room is not necessarily a way to win the audience?

Ravens LB Terrell Suggs was arrested this morning in Arizona and charged with leaving the scene of an accident and driving with a suspended license. Then he tweeted out “MooD:…….Driving with a suspended license! Street Cred= 100,000 Trillion. My bad.”
‪#‎stayclassy‬ ‪#‎rolemodels‬ ‪#‎NFL‬

 

So the Atlanta Falcons have apologized after Ohio State’s Eli Apple reported that during the NFL combine he was asked if he “liked men.” Waiting for the first team to apologize for asking players if they think their mom is hot. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬ ‪#‎stayclassy‬

 

Ben Carson has dropped out of the Presidential race. Saying “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Well, there’s his first problem, trying to be a GOP candidate who believes in math.

 

After becoming the butt of Twitter jokes, Whole Foods has pulled pre-peeled oranges from their shelves. Thereby probably really upsetting the same millennials who don’t eat cereal with milk because it’s too much work.

If we are going to have all this nastiness in ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬ can we at least get competence and draft ‪#‎FrankUnderwood‬? ‪#‎HouseofCards‬

Amazing. Southwest can turn a flight around in about 15 minutes. United can’t turn a domestic flight around in less than an hour. ‪#‎apassionformediocrity‬

Movie night.

February 17, 2016

“Being There,” “The Ides of March,” “Bulworth,” “Man of the Year”.. etc. Thinking after 2016 they may never again be able to make a satirical movie about running for President, since art will never be the equal of life.

 

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and NEVER counting ‪#‎Duke‬ out against ‪#‎NorthCarolina‬

 

Apparently millennials bought over 40% of the wine sold in the US last year. Well, they certainly did over 80% of the whining.

President Obama’s in his 2017 budget proposal has removed $10 million in funding for “abstinence-only” sexual education classes in public schools. Makes sense, save the money for where it is really needed for those kids – education on being parents.

#‎NottheOnion‬ Glenn Beck today called into a radio show to say that God had allowed Justice Scalia to die now to try to wake the American people up – “See how close your liberty is to being lost ” and to get them to elect Ted Cruz.
And God is saying, “Don’t blame me, I haven’t done anything that bat-shit crazy since I created the platypus.”

 

The Yankees are banning print-at-home tickets; they are trying to battle with Stubhub for selling tickets cheaper than the team for some games. Well, it’s understandable, I suppose, such a small market team needs to pinch every penny.

A new FDA study found that many brands of “100% grated Parmesan cheese” contained significant amounts of cellulose (wood fiber), and that Target’s Market Pantry brand had no parmesan at all (it had other cheese plus cellulose.) Well, and the cheese still might be more authentic than many dishes at Olive Garden.

An American Airlines plane clipped the tail of a Southwest Airlines jet yesterday morning at Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Wonder if the pilots were texting at the time?

 

El Chapo is complaining that life behind bars is “turning me into a zombie.” So will his next prison break be titled the “Zombie Apocalypse?”

American Idol’s last season continues but we still can’t vote yet.  Sort of like the pre-primary polling for this Presidential election, but not quite as much fun of a circus.

Apparently neither Justice Scalia nor his friends paid for that trip to the luxury ranch last weekend,  and the ranch owner had business before the Supreme Court.  But it’s okay, because the people who are most livid about that are the same ones slamming Hillary Clinton for her paid speeches to Wall Street etc…  #sarcasm

 

A fake news story is making the rounds about a man dying in a meth lab explosion after setting his own farts on fire. But you know, it’s Florida, so it could be true.

Ted Cruz, born in Calgary as the son of a Cuban father and an American mother , said ‘I’ve never breathed a breath of air on this world not as a U.S. citizen It was the act of birth that made me a U.S. citizen.”
Right, even though Cruz lived in Canada until he was four, and didn’t renounce Canadian citizenship until 2014. Somewhere in the White House, Barack Obama is giggling.

Now Nike has dumped Manny Paquaio over his comments comparing homosexuals to animals, which included him saying, .”Have you seen any animal having male-to-male or female-to-female relations?
Well, leaving aside Paquaio forgetting a cardinal rule – gay consumers spend $$$$ – actually if he did any research at all he would know many animals DO display homosexual behavior. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Nikki Haley is endorsing Marco Rubio in the South Carolina primary. Stand by for Trump attacks on the S.C. governor in 3.2.1….

S.C. GOP Congressman Trey Gowdy is upset about a fake Facebook post saying he endorsed Ted Cruz: “It appears that the campaign of Sen. Ted Cruz may not place the same value on waging a contest based on the truth and facts.”
And the rest of the GOP field responds “What are these ‘truth and facts’ you speak of?”

Smoke and mirrors?

May 13, 2015

A new Johns Hopkins University of Medicine study found that new stronger strains of marijuana could cause people exposed to second-hand smoke to test positive for pot drug in a urine analysis. Was this study sponsored by the NFL Players Association?

 

Corey Kluber, 113 pitches, 8 inning one-hit shutout, 18 strikeouts! And Indians took him out of game. ‪#‎oldschoolpitchersareweeping‬

But hey, it’s about pitch counts now. And we all know pitch counts make a big difference in pitchers’ health, because so few young players are getting injured these days and/or needing surgery…. Oops, never mind.

 

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in support of Roger Goodell and his Deflategate decision: “I think he’s doing a great job, and I’m a big supporter of his. … I know one of his best qualities is fairness.” Translation. Either Romo likes hard footballs, or Jones knows he handles his balls himself.

Former FSU coach Bobby Bowden, 85, on Jameis Winston “I think it’s a consensus amongst Florida State fans and boosters that he was an embarrassment in a lot of ways to the university.” Sigh, Bowden was a great coach. But memory is one of the first things to go. ‪#‎FreeShoesUniversity‬

A couple who was convicted of “lewd and lascivious exhibition” for having sex on a crowded beach with children around not only faces jail time, they must register as sex offenders. Right, because their display was almost as bad as what many American children see every night on television?

The Arizona attorney general’s office has filed charges against a woman who in 2010 faked having cancer to get an abortion. Agree that it was wrong. But imagine what kind of mother she would have made.

Searchers looking for Malaysia Airlines flight 370 in the Indiana Ocean have discovered a 19th century shipwreck. Stand by for the CNN special talking about if it’s a cruise ship.

A small detail that got lost in last night’s SF Giants 8-1 win over the Astros. Nori Aoki was originally called safe at first, but the call was overturned quickly after a video review. The first base umpire? Jim Joyce. ‪#‎Fiveyearstoolate‬ ‪#‎ArmandoGalarraga‬

 

 

In Wisconsin, the state assembly passed bills mandating drug tests for welfare recipients, and requiring that monthly stipends be used for healthy foods. Okay, fine, can we also drug test Wisconsin assembly members, and require them to use their $88 a DAY living expenses on healthy food too?

So American Idol has been cancelled in part because of what some call WGWG (“White guys with guitars) syndrome. Where the winners are cute WGWG’s who may win votes from mostly young female viewers, but never amount to anything. And what do they do for their penultimate final? Send the girl rocker home in favor of two WGWGs

 

 

 

Why people who aren’t in the travel industry shouldn’t write travel articles: A SF Chronicle story from Business Insider on the “best Hawaiian islands for every type of traveler” says “Best for honeymooners – Lanai” – …” “a perfect destination for honeymooners who are seeking privacy and seclusion. Since the island’s two Four Seasons Resorts are currently closed to the public for renovations, visitors can enjoy more seclusion and fewer tourists.

Uh, yes, since the ONLY two major hotels on the island are closed, and the ONLY hotel open is the funky Hotel Lanai with 11 rooms, there’s plenty of seclusion…..

Crushed?

March 26, 2014

Bad news for the Secret Service as three agents were sent home from Amsterdam for being intoxicated. Good news, apparently they were too drunk to find prostitutes.

The maker of “Candy Crush Saga” saw their stock fall about 15% after the IPO today. So now it’s not just the game players who are disappointed with their level.

The NLRB has ruled Northwestern University football players can unionize. This is what comes of letting nerds play football.

Manhattan men’s basketball coach Steve Masiello apparently had an offer to coach the Univ. of South Florida rescinded when the school discovered that while he attended Kentucky, he lied about getting a degree. In Masiello’s defense, will he claim that not graduating will make him better able to relate to today’s college players.

In North Korea, all men must now have the same haircut as Kim Jong Un. I guess this is the equivalent of women wearing ugly bridesmaid’s dresses to make the bride look better?

I really hope the latest satellite images help them locate MH 370. But really, haven’t we had the “Break we’ve been waiting for” headline almost daily since the plane went missing?

Three California State Senators are now facing criminal charges. Louisiana is sniffing “Amateurs!”

 

Yeah, if he is found guilty, Leland Yee is a nominee for hypocrite of the year. A Democratic California State Senator who favors gun control, arrested on charges that include gun trafficking. But if the charges are true, it doesn’t mean that gun control is wrong, it just means that Yee, for all the good he has done, is an idiot and an a**hole.

 

How to feel old. Hear an American Idol contestant say she was glad she remembered the words to “Rhiannon”, because she “just learned it.” Fleetwood Mac wasn’t even my favorite band, but heck, hard to graduate from high school in the late 70s without knowing the song mostly by heart.

Now seems like there are still about 100 people missing, down from estimates of almost 200, in that awful mudslide in rural Washington but very little coverage. Think the big news networks would pay more attention if the state could come up with a conspiracy theory for why the slide happened?

Roger Goodell says that it’s unlikely the NFL will be able to expand the playoffs in time for the 2014 season. Translation, there isn’t time to do a big $$$ TV contract.

The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case on whether employers, for religious reasons, can deny including birth control as part of their healthcare plans. Sure hope a codicil to this ruling will cover whether employers, for religious reasons, can also deny coverage for Viagra to all men who are not married to women of childbearing age. (And that only for the time of month their wives are ovulating.)

Am thinking that whatever that #CopenhagenZoo considers the “Circle of Life” is never going to be featured in a Disney movie.

 

Gwyneth Paltrow announced she and her husband Chris Martin are separating in a blog titled “Conscious uncoupling.”” “Conscious uncoupling?” Sounds like a description of “one-and-one” college basketball, or maybe what the IRS does with you and your money in April.

 

From Alex Kaseberg:  “Following his lap-band surgery, New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, has lost 100 pounds. Or as they call that in New Jersey: dropping a Snookie.”

Almost idle?

May 9, 2013

Well, at least one #AmericanIdol judge isn’t being fired after this season. Randy Jackson has announced he is quitting.

It will be an interesting American Idol finale. But how many people would would vote to keep Angie – the woman voted off tonight  -as a judge next week, and send Nicki Minaj home?

..

For teams with taxpayer-funded stadiums, Senator John McCain has a bill that wants to eliminate NFL TV blackouts for games that aren’t sold out. Every once in a while McCain reminds me why I used to like him.

“Arya” was the fastest rising baby name for girls in 2012, thanks to the popularity of “Game of Thrones.” And 40-50 years from now women will curse their parents because everyone will know exactly how old they are.

After watching last night’s Golden State-San Antonio game even the #Lakers said the #Spurs looked old.

Detroit DT Nick Fairley says that in 2013 the Lions are going to the Super Bowl. Even Cubs fans think he’s delusional.

Maxim’s hot-100 list for 2013 includes at #69 – Lennay Kekua – Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend. Well, I guess having a fake girlfriend means never having to say “Yes, dear.”

San Francisco is getting its first Applebee’s. Down on Fisherman’s Wharf near Bubba Gump’s and Rainforest Cafe. So even more tourists can go home and say the food out here is “nothing special.”

 

In a poll of the 100 most-trusted Americans, Jimmy Carter, 88, is the highest on the list at #24.   Maybe because of the good works he has done since leaving the Presidency. Or maybe because most people think he’s too old to remember how to lie.

 

No one should feel sorry for a team that has won 2 World Series titles in 3 years. But as the SF Giants’ Ryan Vogelsong saw his ERA go up tonight to 7.78, the starting pitcher they traded to “rent” Carlos Beltran in 2011, Zach Wheeler, is close to a call up with the NY Mets. (This post is for my otherwise unhappy Dodger fan friends, enjoy. :-))

We’re only at most, halfway through the second round of the NBA playoffs, and ZERO games Thursday night. Guess the league doesn’t want to do anything that would provide fans anything less than a two month postseason.

 

Ah justice. An Arizona court will delay the decision on whether or not convicted killer Jodi Arias should be put to death because she is currently on “suicide watch.”

Not PC, but the more we hear about the Cleveland rape-kidnap suspect, the more I think, is there any more room in that grave they found for the Boston bomber? And no need to kill him first.

(Of course, while we’re being un-PC, and on the subject of his potential “suicide watch,”  my sense is regarding this monster is that a lot of Americans would pay to watch..)

-..

From TC  “According to Forbes.com, Tim Tebow is the most influential athlete on sports fans for 2013. He beat out the likes of swimmer Michael Phelps and Yankees Derek Jeter. Obviously, no coaches, GMs or owners have ever visited Forbes.com”

 

Move over Babe, here comes Barry.

April 10, 2013

If the National League had the DH, SF Giants fans wouldn’t now be enjoying the great slugging run of Barry Zito, currently batting .750 with three sacrifice bunts.

Zito’s doing so well, MLB was about to check him for PEDs….  Until they noticed the radar gun and that 70mph fastball…

Okay, it’s early, as of this afternoon  9 days into the season, the SF Giants’ Barry Zito has as many hits as the LA Dodgers’ Matt Kemp. (3.  Though Kemp got 2 tonight. Zito also only has 1 less than Josh Hamilton.)

A University of California, Davis professor said in a presentation today that we need more research on hangovers. Sounds like the SEC has a new potential project for their football student-athletes.

MSN reports that Carnival Cruise Lines has slashed prices for some inside cabins to $38 a night per person, barely more than the cost of a Motel 6. But of course at Motel 6 they promise to leave the light on for you.

Taco Bell says they are going to provide “balanced food choices.” And that by 2020, 20 % of their combo meals will meet nutritional guidelines for calories and fat set out by the federal government. Which should thrill Taco Bell customers who care about that sort of thing. Both of them.

Notre Dame QB Gunner Kiel says he is transferring to Cincinnati. In high school Kiel committed to Indiana and then LSU, before he finally ended up at Notre Dame. But now Gunner, who wants to start, is leaving the Fighting Irish because they won’t commit to him.

Amazing, the same people who don’t think ANYONE should have a background check to buy a gun don’t want to let a sexually-active 17 year old girl buy her own birth control….

Really? – Joe Paterno’s widow Sue, speaking at a child-abuse prevention program, says she and her husband had no idea that Jerry Sandusky was a sexual predator. Isn’t having a Paterno speak about child-abuse like having Mike Rice speak on anger-management?

And we think Americans are harsh towards politicians. In England, while many mourn Maggie Thatcher’s death, a Facebook campaign, called “Make Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead number one the week Thatcher dies”, has the Wizard of Oz song up to #3 with over 10,000 downloads in two days.

Ouch. Poor Karen Carpenter is dead, but if not that American Idol performance from Lazaro might have killed her.

(on the other hand, Candice Glover’s “Lovesong” on Youtube is worth 4 minutes of your time, IMHO.)

The #MiamiHeat beat the Washington Wizards 103-98 with James, Wade and Bosh sitting out. So will David Stern fine them anyway?

Police said a Northern California woman used a stun gun today to break up a fight over a seat aboard a BART train. Cool, wonder how she is on obnoxious cellphone users…

 

The Washington Nationals’ game was delayed 20 minutes tonight because the umpiring crew was stuck in traffic. I blame Obama.

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Fenway Park sellout streak ends at 820.   Many Sox fans feel that the most signifigant sellout during the streak was when Damon signed with the Yankees”

Tuckered out?

March 15, 2013

The NFL is considering abandoning the tuck rule. And from the great beyond, some hear Al Davis’s voice yelling ‘So where are our retroactive 2002 Super Bowl Rings?”

Riddle of the morning: What’s the difference between a dirty play and a good hard aggressive play? Answer: Whether or not it happens to YOUR team.

 

Nicki Minaj said of one of her favorite American Idol contestants on elimination night – “If you go home, I’m going home.” And most of America said “Promise?””

Silver lining for Lakers fans. If the team doesn’t make the playoffs now, for all eternity you can say that they WOULD have been World Champions if not for Kobe’s injury.

So allegedly Kris Humphries’ lawyers have obtained a deposition from a producer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” saying Kim not only knew about the “surprise” proposal, she had them reshoot the scene to make her reaction look better. “I can’t believe she would be that tacky” said absolutely nobody.

 

In a speech at CPAC, Marco Rubio today referred to liberals as “freeloaders.” Somehow I missed the part of the speech where he decried the rule that U.S. Senators get a pension for life after only one term.

Unclear on concept? Ted Cruz, trying to connect 1st and 2nd amendments, asked Dianne Feinstein if she considered it constitutional for Congress to specify that the 1st Amendment would only apply to certain books. This from a senator whose state schools still ban books? #guncontrol

Clearly don’t know all the details of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, where the question appears to be if a 16 year old girl was too drunk last August to give consent to sex with two high school football players. But seems like if they weren’t football players, the two would have made a plea bargain and already been in jail?

 

Not saying the Notre Dame day-glo lime green basketball uniforms are ugly, but even Oregon football players are saying “What were you THINKING?”

The USA fell to 33rd in FIFA rankings. Of course, part of the problem – most Americans said “What’s FIFA?”

Oops, apparently they waited too long to embalm Hugo Chavez’s body, and acting Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro said the process now might be “quite difficult.” Waiting to see how they decide this is the U.S.’s fault.

The Carnival Dream has mechanical problems and is stuck at the dock in St. Martin. Good thing they picked a Pope yesterday so CNN can devote the entire day again to this major story.

from T.C.  “Japanese tsunami debris has been discovered washed up on the Hawaiian Islands this week. This is not to be confused with former MLB player Manny Ramirez who will be washed up in Taiwan in under 2 weeks.”

Sequester this?

March 7, 2013

If President Obama wants bipartisan agreement maybe he could just send a drone to at least temporarily silence Nicki Minaj?

Could we declare this sequester part of the New York Yankees starting lineup?. Seems to be the best way to guarantee it will be shelved in no time.

Leaving aside our potential differences on Rand Paul’s politics, can we at least agree that the man knows the right way to do a filibuster?

This week’s blizzard, projected to be one of the most powerful of the year, has kind of turned into a big “meh.” Which means the storm could end up being renamed from “Saturn” to “Lakers.”

The Yankees’ Mark Teixeira injured his right wrist and will be out about 2 months. “That’s really a shame”, said no one outside New York.

Taco Bell is coming out with a new Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco, which uses a shell that is basically just a giant Cool Ranch Dorito. For all those who think the chain’s regular offerings just don’t have enough artificial flavorings and salt.

Mayor Bloomberg’s next campaign is to warn young people that listening to loud music on their iPods with earbuds could result in hearing loss. On the other hand, if kids use the earbuds in traffic, it does increase the chance of a Darwin award to remove them from the gene pool.

Rory McIlroy about leaving the course during the Honda Classic last week “I realized pretty quickly it wasn’t the right thing to do…. my tooth was bothering me, but it wasn’t bothering me enough to quit.” What? No blaming bad advice, the crowd, his medications…..

President Obama had dinner tonight with 12 GOP Senators. I wonder how many food tasters will be involved.

Rand Paul decided to have a real filibuster against President Obama’s nominee for head of the CIA. So far he’s been speaking about twelve hours….. Let’s hope Joe Biden doesn’t take this as a challenge.

Members of Congress left for early weekends today starting at 1pm, despite the much vaunted storm only bringing an inch of snow. So for the remainder of the week, sounds like as much will be accomplished in Washington as usual.

So now Jeb Bush is making noises about running for President in 2016, which means he may well face off against Hillary.. Isn’t it great we Americans don’t live in a banana republic where power is concentrated in the hands of a few families?

And all joking aside, my friend Alex B sent along this link from West Wing, “Ten Word Ansswers.”   Kind of makes you wish we could draft   Jed Bartlett for President in 2016.

Of mice and men who made mice look good….

July 13, 2012

Pretty scathing report out of Penn State. They didn’t even try to transfer Sandusky to a different parish.

One of the more disgusting sidelights of this Penn State scandal: The university had no problem keeping Sandusky around and protecting Paterno etc.. But had the team had several seasons in a row without a bowl bid, PSU would have fired them all and changed the locks.

A paraphrase of a great line in a novel – who is my first reader to get the reference? “You can go to the showers, Jerry. That was what evil was – – as easy at that! But afterwards you went on remembering…”

(Hint, only substituted words are “showers”, “Jerry”, and “evil”)

All kidding aside the best single line to sum up the Penn State fiasco might be from an 18th century Irishman, Edmund Burke: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

Apparently in the UK, women trying to make their own fake Christian Louboutins, have caused sales of glossy red paint to soar. (Yes, I am aware this post is Greek to most men. Figured I’d write one for my women friends who don’t like sports and have said they have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.)

Politicians will be barred from speaking at this year’s commemoration ceremony on the anniversary of the 2001 terror attacks, according to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum. Wonder how many people will tune in to see if Rudy Guiliani explodes.

Mitt Romney hasn’t blamed President Obama yet for the U.S. Olympic team uniforms being made in China. Has he been too busy? Or does he remember that when he organized the 2002 games the uniforms were made by Roots? A company from Canada.

Very un- PC department – but T.C., who dared me to post this, is Asian-Canadian:

The U.S Congress is fuming that the official US Olympic Uniforms were made in China.   Berets, blazers and pants could have been made by local textile industries who are struggling. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev said they should be put into a big pile and set on fire. No argument here – who wants to wear gear that says “United States of Amellica” and “Lalph Rauren”?

Steven Tyler says he is leaving American Idol to go back to his music : “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band.” Uh, at this point more like banging the door open with his walker.

Kobe Bryant says this year’s USA Olympic basketball team could’ve beaten the 1992 Dream Team. Really? I’m not sure this year’s team can even beat  Spain.

A D.C. motorcycle officer who was a White House escort has been reassigned to desk duties after he made a “bad joke” about shooting Michelle Obama with a picture of a gun on his cellphone. The Secret Service says now it was not a real threat. Good thing. But sounds like the guy is too stupid to be on the streets anyway.

Idol-atry

May 23, 2012

Wonder if we’d get more turnout in November elections if real voting meant that Americans got bonus votes that could be used for American Idol?

Trivia for the night: Both the SF Giants’ Buster Posey and American Idol winner Phillip Phillips are from the same town – Leesburg, Georgia, population just under 3000.

Arizona’s secretary of state just said he will put the President on the ballot in November, because he has now received information from Hawaii that verifies Obama is a legitimate citizen. Shame someone can’t come up with a reason to question Arizona’s legitimacy as a state.-

 

Cognitive dissonance of the day: Mitt Romney says if elected he will cut U.S. unemployment rate to 6%. Meanwhile he is touting Meg Whitman, current CEO HP, as someone who should have been elected Governor of California.. And HP just announced layoffs of 27,000 employees.

Small silver lining with this recent IPO – “Timeline” is no longer considered Facebook’s biggest disaster.

Will people who bought Facebook stock at the IPO price be known as Zuckers?

California Gov. Jerry Brown is threatening that public schools might need to shorten their school year by as much as a month if voters reject his plan to raise taxes in November. Prompting millions of California schoolchildren to urge their parents to “just vote no.”

MLB commissioner Bud Selig says he doesn’t think more TV replay is needed, at least not right now. Translation, the Yankees don’t want it.

Oil prices fell below $90 a barrel for the first time all year today. Waiting to see how the airlines turn this into a new surcharge.

Interesting statistics on Presidential fundraising so far: 53% of President Obama’s donors gave under $200. 57% of Mitt Romney’s donors gave the maximum of $2500.

SF Supervisor John Avalos got national attention for saying he used a Ouija board to ask the ghost of Harvey Milk how he would feel about having a U.S. Navy vessel named after him. Some people apparently didn’t realize he was joking. But come on folks, a Ouija board? Really. Everyone knows in SF they use a Magic 8 Ball.

Moral of story – never steal anything when you don’t understand the technology. A Disney Cruise Line employee is now on “administrative leave.” After pictures taken with a stolen iPhone, including some showing his face and name badge, showed up on the phone owner’s Photostream, an app that automatically uploads photos to the users iCloud account. Oops.

Snooki has announced that while she was hoping for a girl, she knows she is expecting a boy this September. Disappointing all those with a secret sick wish to see some of those mother-daughter outfits.

Donald Trump is promoting himself as a potential keynote speaker for the Republican National Convention. Before he does, can the Donald produce a long form birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head?

From Marc Ragovin:  New York Rangers coach John Tortorella suggested that the team’s fans say a prayer for the offense. Well, since they are averaging about 2 goals a game throughout the playoffs, maybe we should start with the Kaddish.

Missed it by that much?

May 23, 2012

The  “Player formerly known as Ron Artest”  about the Lakers’ loss “(We) definitely underachieved,” World Peace said. “We were the best team in the NBA and lost in five (games).” Never thought I’d write this sentence, but for now, I think we’ve all had enough of World Peace.  –

Constantly seeing this Facebook ad for “Maverick PAC.” It asks me to “Join our network of conservative, young professionals.” So what’s the bigger miss here, that I am conservative, or that I am young?

Another thought on the latest craziness out of Arizona. The state.  at the instructions of Sheriff Joe Arpaio,  paid to send a deputy to Hawaii to look into Obama’s birth certificate. But they don’t want to waste taxpayer money on birth control?

 

The outgoing president of the South Carolina AFL-CIO was seen on video bashing a pinata of Governor Nikki Haley’s face at a retreat last weekend. This prompted two responses from the GOP: 1. Outrage. 2. Quick, hide the Obama pinatas.

 

 

A young child escaped with minor injuries after his parents put him in a laundromat washing machine as a joke, and the machine automatically started running. Shame parenthood doesn’t at least have the same rules the Humane Society requires to adopt a pet.

 

Wall Street is definitely defriending Facebook.

 

 

How far does Facebook stock have to fall before the GOP blames it on Obama.

 

The US Airways flight that diverted to Bangor over a security threat was apparently because a woman said she had “a device surgically implanted inside her.” Let’s hope implants don’t start putting people on the no-fly list, or it will ground half the women in Los Angeles.

 

A US Airways flight from Paris to Charlotte has been diverted to Bangor due to a so far unspecified “security issue.” Wonder how many passengers are already demanding that the airline credit them with the extra frequent flier miles. –

 

Eugene J. Polley,, 96, has died. He was the inventor of the televison remote control. Funeral plans have not been finalized but a number of speakers apparently will be alternating back and forth in short rapid stints at the service.

 

 

Deliberations continue in  the John Edwards trial. Wonder if jurors are still trying to find some reason to make being a scumbag a criminal offense

 

Not saying tonight’s game five between the Heat and the Pacers was rough,  but the winner may be sanctioned by the WWE.

 

“American Idol” final competition Tuesday night. Not to be confused with the Lakers and Clippers, who are “L.A. Idle.”

 

 

 

Cncinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman was arrested for speeding (93 in a 71 MPH zone) and driving with a suspended license. This about a year after Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting. Who do these guys think they are – Bengals?

Tax dollars working hard for the money?

February 8, 2012

The House just overwhelmingly passed a bill banning welfare recipients from spending federal aid in strip clubs. No problem there. It would probably be unconstitutional, but shame they can’t also pass a bill banning those in Congress from using their taxpayer funded stipends in strip clubs.

Can’t wait to see what Tom Brady says about the other women if Giselle Bundchen ever plays in the Lingerie Bowl.

Jeremy Lin, the New York Knicks’ unlikely new star, is a devout Christian. Hmm, does this mean God was looking for something to do during Tebow’s offseason?

On American Idol tomorrow, one of the singers who made it to Hollywood is Brittany Kerr, a cheerleader/dancer for Charlotte Bobcats. If she makes it to the finals we may see a new phenomenon, men asking their wives and girlfriends when Idol is on.

Newly minted Catholic Newt Gingrich is condemning the Obama administration’s decision to require religious hospitals and schools to offer birth control as part of their healthcare plans. Longtime Newt watchers just yawn and wonder what his next wife’s religion will say on the subject.

A pilot with Lion Air, Indonesia’s largest domestic airline, reportedly tested positive for crystal meth within hours before his scheduled flight. This was the second crystal meth arrest for the airline this year. So maybe passengers haven’t been imagining that their planes take off, fly, and land REALLY REALLY fast.

Rick Santorum has won tonight in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado. This is great news, for President Obama.

Rocket scientist of the day award? To the Denver Bronco’s Knowshon Moreno was arrested and charged with DUI, for driving 70mph in a construction zone with a license plate reading “SAUCED.”

Santorum wins Colorado! Reaction from moderate conservatives to the state – “Are you Rocky Mountain High?”

Today in Boston, someone dumped hundreds of Butterfinger candy bars in Boston’s Copley Square on Tuesday with a note: “Thank you Wes Welker.” Haven’t heard anyone pulling stunts joking about Brady throwing that ball to midfield from the end zone. But without that safety a field goal at the end wins the game.

Happy to see California Prop 8 declared unconstitutional. But if we really want to get more conservatives over to the side of gay marriage, need a campaign that says right now gay couples who are domestic partners pay lower tax rates than married couples.

Ricky Williams is retiring from the NFL. It could be high time.

Prosecutors are asking that Jerry Sandusky stay indoors as part of his house arrest. Apparently parents have complained that he can be seen outside and watching children in a schoolyard from the back porch of his home. I’m wondering why they granted this scumbag bail at all.

Karen Handel, the alleged driving force behind Komen’s decision to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood, resigned today. But in a statement said this was a board supported position and a discussion that started before she arrived. In other words, the company wanted me to steer towards those rocks.

Returning to the madness.

March 23, 2011

Many thought unheralded VCU shouldn’t have been chosen for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament.   And now even more people think the Rams were a bad pick – they’re called USC, Georgetown and Purdue fans.

Tiger Woods has a new mobile application called “Tiger Woods: My Swing.” Wonder if it includes the advice, “Your swing will be better if your wife doesn’t catch you swinging?”

Does anyone else find this whole controversy on exactly where and how they give Jared Loughner a sanity test faintly ridiculous? It might affect where Loughner serves his sentence, but how can anyone use the word “sane” for someone who did what he did?

American Idol ‘Motown Records” night with all these young kids is a little odd. Since many of the contestants are in their teens, they aren’t too familiar with the concept of “Motown.” Heck, they aren’t too familiar with the concept of “Records.”

So dozens of “experts” have their picks on SI.com, ESPN.com, etc for this weekend’s Sweet Sixteen basketball action. Wonder last week how many of those experts had even two out of three of Richmond, Butler and VCU?

Another thought on NFL replacement players if it comes to that. What about those being paid but not playing…. could fans see the return of JaMarcus Russell?

And without knowing how the Barry Bonds perjury trial will come out, there’s one thing that’s pretty certain – there’s no shortage of jerks on both sides of this case.

While campaigning in Iowa, Michele Bachman referred to judges who overturned the gay marriage law as “black-robed masters,” How come the GOP has such a problem with “activist” judges when they overturn a law conservatives like, but no problem at all if they try to overturn something like Obamacare?

Police with bomb-sniffing dogs met an arriving Philippine Airlines flight late Tuesday night at San Francisco International Airport but didn’t find any explosives. A spokesman said there had been a threatening phone call saying a bomb was on board. Maybe the caller was referring to an inflight showing of “The Last Airbender?”

Donald Trump went on “the View” and asked of President Obama, “Why doesn’t he show his birth certificate?… I want him to show his birth certificate!” Is this all part of the Donald’s campaign to show he is kooky enough to run for the GOP nomination?

Ballot time?

May 27, 2010

And a question. Did they count American Idol votes in Florida?


Art Linkletter died today at the age of 97. Shocking news to many Americans who didn’t realize he was still alive.


At Linkletter’s funeral, there are no long speeches planned, but attendees are urged to say “the darndest things.”

British Petroleum refers to their latest operation to try to stop their gushing oil spill as “top kill.’ Which actually might be a good term to describe what millions of Americans want to do with BP executives.


The Orlando Magic not only have won the last two games of the NBA Eastern Conference finals, they have looked good doing it. So while the Celtics are still leading 3-2, there is talk they could actually lose this thing. Which would be the biggest collapse in Boston sports history… well, since last week anyway.

A cleaning crew at Philadelphia airport at 4am found a women passenger still asleep on a United Express regional jet. The cabin crew apparently failed to notice her when the plane landed around midnight. This is beyond shocking – someone can actually sleep on one of those little planes?

(A couple of my friends who fly regularly have added “they actually CLEAN those planes?”)

The University of Kansas is investigating a ticket scalping scheme whereby over $1 million of tickets in the last five years were sold inappropriately by athletic department employees. This would never happen at Stanford – in the past five years they haven’t sold $1 million in tickets.

Although at USC $1 million might be the budget for paying football and basketball players for their summer jobs.


The Los Angeles Dodgers are suing comedian Jon Lovitz. It’s for non-payment of season tickets. (Which the team resold.) Other comedians around the country were glad to find out the reason – because if joking about a baseball team becomes a lawsuit worthy offense, the Cubs could bankrupt every joke writer in America.

Joe Biden said today that he did NOT serve in Vietnam, and joked about not making a “Blumenthal mistake.” Meanwhile in Idaho, Vaughn Ward lost his primary race after a plagiarized speech many are calling a “Biden mistake.”


The University of Michigan is hoping their self-imposed sanctions will keep the NCAA from imposing harsher sanctions on their football program. Besides, with an 8-16 record over the past two years, it’s like suspending a .200 hitter for performance-enhancing drugs.


The San Francisco Giants have become one of the worst hitting teams in baseball over the last month, and now their ace, Tim Lincecum, has been rocked in two straight starts. The team’s motto this year, (which refers to their ballpark) “There’s magic inside.”

Maybe it’s time to see what can be done about taking the spell off.

The San Francisco Giants and other jokes.

May 20, 2009

Well, their hitting anyway.

Big Papi, David Ortiz, final hit his first home run in 150 at bats.  Which should make him an honorary Giant.

Variation on an old joke.  How can you criticize the San Francisco Giants’ offense.  There’s insufficient evidence.

The San Francisco pitching staff may soon start referring to themselves as “Bra-less.”  As in, no support.

At this point the Giants are scoring less than a Star Trek convention.

University of Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin was guilty of a minor NCAA rules violation for his early announcement of a recruit’s signing on Twitter.  This is shocking.  There are grown men who Twitter?

After the finale, we’ve learned one thing about America.  We may be ready for a black president. We’re just not ready for an American Idol with black nail polish.

The NCAA has denied another year of eligibility for Florida State receiver Corey Surrency because he previously played for the Florida Kings, a  semi-pro team. Well, if that’s the standard,  Surrency would have been better off had he just played for the Detroit Lions.

A man called 911 because his adult son wouldn’t clean up the mess he had made.  Yeah, it’s tough these days to be George H. W. Bush.

American Idol

May 20, 2009

Why do they call it American Idol when it is taped in Los Angeles?

Because the Lakers in games 1,4 and 6 against Houston basically copyrighted “Los Angeles Idle.”

Paula Abdul  today talked to contestant Adam Lambert about how he lifted the judges’ spirits.   In her case those spirits were probably vodka, rum and tequila.

A recent study showed that having daughters rather than sons makes you more liberal.  So who’s more disappointed about President George W. Bush?  The liberals who wish that statement were true, and the ultra-conservatives who think it IS true.

A recent study showed that having daughters rather than sons makes you more liberal.  That’s really scary, said everyone who knows Dick Cheney.

The Washington Wizards had the second worst record in the NBA, and yet shockingly  fell to fifth in the NBA draft lottery.    Guess the only thing you can count on with that bad a performance in DC is re-election.

American Idol contestants Adam Lambert and Kris Allen each got millions more votes than any of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s  California special election ballot measures.   Guess the next time California elects an entertainer as governor, maybe we should make sure he can sing.

This may only make sense to British readers, or those who have travelled through London.  But,  passsngers from US Airways flight 1549 are just now beginning to get their belongings back.  Which is still better than some poor folks who connected through Terminal 5.

Swine flu, the Sharks, and other disasters..

April 30, 2009

Okay, this is a really really bad pun alert. But lets get it out of the way first.

While many Americans are cancelling their trips because of flu worries, knitting club has decided to go ahead with their plans to attend a knitting convention.  Their reason, they decided to put purls before swine.

In affirming the FCC’s right to fine broadcasters who use the F-word on the airline,  Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia in his opinion referred to the “foul-mouthed glitterari from Hollywood.”

As opposed to the foul-mouthed glittering former Vice President?  (Who in 2004 famously told Senator Patrick Leahy to  “f**k himself.”)

President Obama was asked if we should close our borders with Mexico.

Like we could do that?

Nostalgia is a relative thing.  These days, it’s about thinking of those trips to Mexico where you most worried about getting Montezuma’s revenge.

After yet another early round playoff ouster, should the San Jose Sharks change their name to the San Jose Oysters?    Because they can be great, but never in a month without an “R” in it.

“April is the cruelest month.”  Who knew T.S. Eliot was a Sharks fan?”

The state of Texas has suspended high school sports, including baseball and softball,  through  May 11.    Which most Texans think is unfortunate but not a disaster, as it would be if the swine flu hit during football season.

If you think you had a bad day at work, imagine what it’s like working in the Mexican Tourism Office.

Taylor Hicks, the season five winner on American Idol, appeared on the show tonight and delivered a, well,  decent performance.  He told the remaining contestants,  the secrets were song selection,  bringing your  “A” game,  and being lucky enough to have been a contestant on season five.

Yovani Gallardo of the Milwaukee Brewers not only pitched a shutout against the Pittsburgh Pirate, he hit the game-winning solo home run.

Maybe the San Francisco Giants could figure out a way for this guy – he could bat cleanup.

Another joke that may only make sense to grouchy San Francisco Giants fans.   What can you say about Fred Lewis in left field?  Only that he makes fans think wistfully about the last few years of the defensive talents of Barry Bonds.

Idol mistakes.

April 8, 2009

For the second time this season, American Idol ran so long in their live show that they went past their scheduled finish. Thus viewers who recorded the episode missed the best part.

Who’s their technical  consultant?  Joe Biden?

A major character on Fox’s “House” left the television series to take a position with the Obama administration because he couldn’t do both jobs at the same time.

Shame  Fox’s “24” never thought of offering an acting job to Dick Cheney.

 –

The show is down to their final seven contestants.  Will be interesting to see if they get down to one before American car companies.

 

A thought while watching Opening Night at A T and T Park, the SF Giants vs. the Milwaukee Brewers:

The television announcers said “If you are looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors NBA  game, it’s on alternate channel …”

The Timberwolves are 23-55, the Warriors are 28-49.

The question is  “Why?”

Or rather, what they should have said “If you’re looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors game”  maybe it’s time to get a life.

Some folks say we don’t have enough good news these days.  Well, how about this… The President of the United States just got back from a trip to Europe,  and he didn’t embarrass the country once.

On the other hand,  President Obama is returning from Europe to face the hard realities of some campaign promises at home.  As in, it’s April.  Where is the puppy?

 

Bernie Madoff’s Mets season tickets will be auctioned online after his arrest for running a Ponzi scheme.

A Ponzi scheme is when investors pay money with no real chance of return…sort of like buying season tickets for the Mets  for the rights to buy tickets for any potential playoff games.