Posted tagged ‘Carson jokes’

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Monday night musings

December 5, 2016

LeBron James and some of his teammates have found alternate accommodations next week in Manhattan rather than stay at the Trump Soho in rooms booked by the team.
Standby for anti-Cavs tweets from our President Elect in 3.2.1….

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Not only should he make the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Adam Vinatieri making strong push for AARP Hall of Fame.

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As rough as tonight was for #Jets fans, good news is on the horizon. Next week New York plays the #49ers

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Seeing tickets for many of these lesser bowl games going for well under cost and less than regular season games for many teams, can’t help but wonder, since it’s all about the $$$$, why not turn them into a playoff system? Can’t really be the idea that athletes need to go to class….

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Justin Bieber said he will go on his first American stadium tour in August, with stops in Pasadena, Foxboro, Minneapolis, Denver, and the Meadowlands. Haven’t blue states suffered enough?,

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Narendra Modi won the TIME Person of the Year Poll. Forget the controversy, millions of Americans are going “Who?

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A woman went into labor and gave birth on a 3p Southwest flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. The plane diverted at 430p to Charleston to drop off the parents and baby at a local hospital, then continued to Orlando to arrive only an hour late.
Men are thinking “only an hour late, impressive.” Women are thinking. “labor and delivery under an hour and a half , REALLY impressive.”

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Donald Trump “If the press would cover me accurately & honorably, I would have far less reason to “tweet.” Sadly, I don’t know if that will ever happen!”
Well ,yeah, the evil press keeps reporting every thing Trump says #howdarethey?.

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Trying to imagine reaction had Hillary Clinton won election & made it clear Chelsea & Marc Mezvinsky were going to be her top White House advisors?

Police have dangerous job; I sympathize. But what did video need to show for Michael T. Slager to be convicted of murder of #WalterScott ?

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Safeway is touting a program to “end hunger” by asking customers to donate this Holiday season. At the same time the Los Altos Safeway has 1-2 of 10 checkouts manned by a human, and about 8 “self-checkout” lanes. Wonder how many people in need of donations this year had jobs as cashiers last year?

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Now Trump has picked #BenCarson as Secretary of HUD, despite Carson’s lack of experience. Did Trump figure “Well, it’s not brain surgery?”

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So with Ben Carson as HUD Secretary will we solve some inner-city problems by building housing in pyramids that double as food storage facilities?

Some high school student asked San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich if his team is going to win it all this year.

here.

(courtesy Darren Rovell on Twitter.)  And some wonder why I root for the Spurs.

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How high can you go?

March 12, 2016

Now rumors might have both Mark Sanchez and Colin Kaepernick in Denver. Good thing for fans Colorado has legalized marijuana.

 

 

Colin Kaepernick now says he wants to play for the Cleveland Browns. Maybe because he figures he has an easy act to follow.

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The Denver Broncos have signed Mark Sanchez. So now we get to learn something new – how high does a butt-fumble bounce at 5,280 feet?

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RIP Keith Emerson, of Emerson Lake and Palmer.  It’s bad enough when musicians from your youth die. It’s even worse when you realize that they actually had gotten old.

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New free agent ‪#‎RGIII‬ apparently visited ‪#‎NYJets‬. Well, & what better landing spot for a QB who was tired of too much media attention.

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‪#‎UConn‬‪#‎Cincinnati‬ game went 4 OTs today. Wow. That’s more time than many of the players will ever spend in class. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

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Now that Trump is actually getting closer to winning the GOP primary, isn’t it time to call for an investigation: pretty sure that furry thing that lives on his head wasn’t born in the U.S.

 

Caitlyn Jenner, on her support for Donald Trump: “He would be very good on women’s issues. Just because I’m a woman now doesn’t make me all of a sudden liberal.”
Well, of course not, she had gender-reassignment surgery, not a brain transplant.

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Joe’s Crab Shack has apologized for using a picture of a crowd of white people watching a black man being hanged as a table decoration. Really, weren’t there easier ways for the restaurant to say they’d like to host a Trump rally?

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A Chicago man, Dennis Nicholl, has been arrested for regularly riding the Red Line train with a cellphone jammer. Hmm, so how many millions of people will be joining the ‪#‎freeDennis‬ campaign?

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Some major GOP criticism of President Obama for missing Nancy Reagan’s funeral. But Nancy herself went to Bess Truman’s funeral without her husband, And W. did not accompany Laura and Barbara Bush to Lady Bird’s funeral. ‪#‎Noissuetoosmall‬.

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Marco Rubio says it’s okay if his supporters in Ohio vote for John Kasich, as the Governor of the winner-take-all state has the best chance there to stop Donald Trump. Well, good, that ought to get Kasich at least two or three more votes.

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Ben Carson, in making his endorsement this morning, said “There are two Donald Trumps.” Great, besides the Donald’s narcissism and other issues,, America also now has to worry about a potential President with “Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

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Bob Woodward asked Trump about Mexico paying for his proposed wall, “Trust me, Bob, when I rejuvenate our military, Mexico’s not going to be playing with us with war.”
Because the U.S. now spending as much as the next seven countries combined isn’t enough to scare them already?

 

Stocks ended today at a new 2016 high. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

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After this week’s shooting of a pto-gun mom by her 4-year-old son, Neal suggests, “open carry preschool!”

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And from Marc Ragovin  “Well it’s March Madness, or as it’s otherwise, known, a Donald Trump rally.”

(again, funnier if it weren’t true.)

 

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Name calling

March 5, 2016

So what are we going to title the next few weeks of the ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬? Since ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ is already taken.

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Now Marco Rubio says that Donald Trump is the “most vulgar person ever to aspire to the Presidency.” What’s next, a rousing chorus of “I see London, I see France, I see someone’s underpants?”

 

Astronaut Scott Kelly says he grew two inches in space and now he can’t sink a basketball shot. Hmm, so is this the explanation for big men like Shaq and DeAndre Jordan and free throws? They’re really from a different planet?

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Ah for the good old days when ‪#‎votefortheworst‬ just mean you ended up with a lousy winner on ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Saw a headline that “Wall Street is about to go after Trump big time.” Oh this billionaire on billionaire violence….

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In a reality TV world should we be surprised that being the only adult in the room is not necessarily a way to win the audience?

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Ravens LB Terrell Suggs was arrested this morning in Arizona and charged with leaving the scene of an accident and driving with a suspended license. Then he tweeted out “MooD:…….Driving with a suspended license! Street Cred= 100,000 Trillion. My bad.”
‪#‎stayclassy‬ ‪#‎rolemodels‬ ‪#‎NFL‬

 

So the Atlanta Falcons have apologized after Ohio State’s Eli Apple reported that during the NFL combine he was asked if he “liked men.” Waiting for the first team to apologize for asking players if they think their mom is hot. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬ ‪#‎stayclassy‬

 

Ben Carson has dropped out of the Presidential race. Saying “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Well, there’s his first problem, trying to be a GOP candidate who believes in math.

 

After becoming the butt of Twitter jokes, Whole Foods has pulled pre-peeled oranges from their shelves. Thereby probably really upsetting the same millennials who don’t eat cereal with milk because it’s too much work.

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If we are going to have all this nastiness in ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬ can we at least get competence and draft ‪#‎FrankUnderwood‬? ‪#‎HouseofCards‬

Amazing. Southwest can turn a flight around in about 15 minutes. United can’t turn a domestic flight around in less than an hour. ‪#‎apassionformediocrity‬

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Cover story

March 2, 2016

Since no one else seems to be able to stop the Warriors,   Sports Illustrated will take a shot at it by putting Golden State on the cover.

 

Miley Cyrus called Donald Trump a ‘nightmare” and says she may move out of the country if he gets elected. Uh oh. Let’s hope Justin Bieber or the Kardashians don’t get the same idea or Trump could become unstoppable.

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Donald Trump’s tweet, after Nikki Haley endorsed Marco Rubio – “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley,” Haley’s response “Bless your heart.”
For the uninitiated, “Bless your heart,” is Southern for “f*ck you.”

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Sports Authority has filed for bankruptcy. So will the Denver Broncos now play in Chapter 11 Stadium?

(my friend Rick D. suggests ‘Secured Creditors Field.”)

 

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As we approach March Madness, Stanford’s men’s basketball team has been doing better of late. Are they poised to defend their NIT title?

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Donald Trump started with stupid and childish insults about Marco Rubio, who fired back on the same level, but it’s just Rubio who seems to be taking a it in the polls. George Bernard Shaw was right – “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

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Ben Carson says he will skip the next GOP debate. Shocking people who didn’t even realize he was in the last one.

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Ben Carson now admits he has “no path” to the Republican nomination, but won’t formally quit the Presidential race. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

 

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So when can we tune in to hear ‪#‎SteveHarvey‬ talk about ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬‘s great ‪#‎SuperTuesday‬ victories?

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#‎PaulRyan‬ says “absolutely no interest” in becoming ‪#‎GOP‬ nominee at a brokered convention. But he had no interest in being Speaker either.

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Mitt Romney says he will speak Thursday “on the state of the Presidential Race.” Well, and if anyone should be an expert on how the GOP establishment can blow an election campaign….

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Hard to believe now but some once thought the most politically damaging bromance involving Chris Christie was his 2012 embrace of Barack Obama.

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In South Carolina, a woman who had taught for 13 years had her phone swiped by a 16-year-old-student, who found a nude Valentine’s Day picture she had taken for her husband, The kid then shared the photo with social media and texts. And the TEACHER was offered the choice to resign or go through a dismissal process. Hmm, maybe it is time for teachers to be armed

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The Oklahoma City Thunder blew a 17 pt lead against the Clippers in the 4th quarter. Last time fans in Los Angeles saw such a fast late meltdown,  the Dodgers bullpen was involved.

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A Washington  man who’d been taking selfies all day with his gun accidentally finally ended up fatally shooting himself.  Your move, Florida. #cantfixstupidbutyoucanburyit

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Curt Schilling just said that Hillary Clinton should be “buried under a jail somewhere” over her emails on private servers. Right, wonder what he would have said had Clinton been sued by a state for fraud over a $75 million business loan guarantee that ended up costing said state almost $100 million….

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Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin “The Mets’ Noah Syndergaard and Yoenis Cespedes rode around the team’s training complex the other day on two horses from Cespedes’ s ranch. Proving that these two have come a long way from their days in the Pony League.”

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Pancaked?

November 8, 2015

A huge sinkhole has swallowed more than a dozen cars in the parking lot of a new IHOP parking lot in Meridian, Miss. Kind of hard to stand your ground when the ground won’t stand.

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Adam Vinatieri, 42, kicked a 55 yard field gold to give the Colts the win today over the Broncos and Peyton Manning. Not saying Vinatieri is old, but doesn’t it seem as if he must have also kicked against teams led by Archie Manning?

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The video is horrible, no question, but if you do believe people can learn and change, Ray Rice is sure at least doing a very good imitation of a man who has done both: “I used to have a situation where kids were like, ‘I wanna be like Ray Rice.’ And now I have to think about kids and parents saying, ‘I don’t want you to be like Ray Rice.’ And that haunts me.”
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Former Rep. Michele Bachmann:is now saying “The Holy Spirit is speaking to each one of us (Christians) to help bring in (convert) as many as we can — even among the Jews,” Wow. So does Bachmann think Ben Carson has a chance and she’s angling to be his running mate?
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The buck passes here. Marco Rubio is attributing some of his personal expenses being billed to his GOP credit card – ,”because a travel agent had the credit card number — and they billed it to that card instead of the other card.” This including a Rubio family gathering of 20 rooms for three nights at a resort near Tallahassee starting the day he was sworn in as Florida House Speaker.
Uh, speaking for travel agents everywhere, leaving aside the number of hoops required to bill 20 rooms to one card, you make a mistake more than once like that with a credit card, you’re fired. ‪#‎callingBS‬
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Texas Rep. Mike McCaul, confident that a bomb brought down the Russian plane, is saying that the Obama administration is in large part to blame because they haven’t done enough in the Mideast. And of course there’s no blame on a previous administration for doing too much in the Mideast…

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You know if ‪#‎BenCarson‬ doesn’t want media reporting outrageous things he says maybe he could take a day off from saying outrageous things.

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So the Dallas Cowboys have now lost six games in a row. So maybe Greg Hardy can get legally away with beating up and threatening a woman, but maybe also he can’t hide from that mean bitch karma.

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A U.S jail escapee was arrested in Mexico after police were able to track him i because he was posting selfies on Facebook. He’s being held in a Mexican jail and is facing extradition back to… Idaho? Your move, Florida. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

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Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, who was elbowed in the head by Rams DB Lamarcus Joyner today, has been diagnosed with a concussion. If the NFL really wanted to stop this sort of thing it would be simple – injure a starter with an illegal hit that gets you fined, and you are out until they can return, even if it’s a season ending injury.

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Oxford, MS, for the tweet of the month, maybe the year, after the Razorbacks shred the Ole Miss defense and win 53-52 in OT –

@OxfordPolice   Asking us to kick the Arkansas QB out of the stadium is not a legit reason to dial 911. ‪#‎ARKvsMISS‬

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Home cooked?

October 8, 2015

What home field advantage? ‪#‎MLBPostseason‬

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A pro-White Sox bar in Chicago is offering free beer after every St. Louis Cardinals home run against the Cubs. Okay, I see a potential promotion for San Francisco area bars for the Mets-Dodgers series.

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Best wishes to Vin Scully. Los Angeles just announced that their 88-year-old announcer will miss the postseason after undergoing a “recommended medical procedure.” And SFGiants fans hope Dodgers have plenty of time starting next week to visit Vin in the hospital.

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Some complain baseball doesn’t have a national TV audience anymore. One reason that most Americans aren’t familiar with any but their local teams and a handful of big name teams. So now in the playoffs, MLB has a chance to introduce us to the Blue Jays and Rangers. And they put ALDS games 1 and 2 on weekday at 330p and 1245p EST…..

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Strangely fun to see orange in the postseason, even if it’s not Giants Orange. ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

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The Cowboys’ Greg Hardy, about his impending return from a suspension for domestic violence “”I hope I come out guns blazing,”
(Hardy was actually convicted of the 2014 assault but had his case dismissed on appeal when Nicole Holder didn’t show up He had thrown her on a pile of guns, bragged they were loaded and threatened to kill her with one of them.) ‪#‎stayclassy‬

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And maybe all you need to know about Roger Goodell and today’s NFL is that Goodell is pushing hard to make sure Tom Brady gets that full four-game suspension that matches Hardy’s.  (And I don’t even like the Patriots or Saint Brady)  #Priorities.

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A video is going viral of the Pirates’ Sean Rodriguez attacking a water cooler during yesterday’s Wild Card game. Pity Pittsburgh batters didn’t hit Arrieta as hard as Rodriguez hit the cooler.

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A frat at Indiana University has been suspended over a possible sexual assault, after they posted a video of the incident on Twitter. Not that we always didn’t have ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, but social media has certainly expanded stupid’s reach.

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Chris Burns, an assistant coach at Bryant University, is making headlines as the first Division 1 basketball coach to come out of the closet. Uh, that was Sheri Murrell at Portland State. But good for him, each announcement makes the next one a little less of a story. And maybe someday being gay in sports won’t be a story at all. ‪#‎wecandream‬

Kevin McCarthy has just withdrawn from the House Speaker’s race. Proving again that old adage “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

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Injured Junior Bruins’ LB Myles Jack says he is dropping out UCLA and entering the 2016 NFL draft because he wants “compensation for what I have done.” Well, clearly Jack should have gone to USC.

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An 22 year old man called 911 to report that he was “too high on weed” and “could not feel his hands.” Police found him laying on the floor surrounded by “a plethora of Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and Chips Ahoy cookies.”

This story is from Ohio. Your move, Florida.

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Volkswagen’s CEO, testifying before Congress, said it may take years to fix all the rigged cars. And it will take even longer to fix the company’s reputation.

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USC coach Steve Sarkisian said late August he was going to rehab. The way Trojans have played the last two games at home you’d think Sarkisian wants most USC fans to need to join him.

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Proving that it’s possible to do brain surgery without a working brain: Today’s gem from Ben Carson ” I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeyes [in Baltimore]. … A guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs, and I just said, “I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.” … He said, “Oh, okay.” ‪#‎realAmericanhero‬ ‪#‎yeshesaidit‬

If this keeps up no telling what Trump will have to do to grab the headlines back. Later today on CNN Ben Carson said the holocaust would have been less likely had Jews been armed…. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Four Russian missiles fired at targets in Syria instead landed in a remote part of Iran.So, you see, Colin Kaepernick, you are not alone.”

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Walking the plank?

October 7, 2015

The 2015 98-win ‪#‎Pirates‬ are gone after 1 post-season game. The 1993 103-win ‪#‎Giants‬ would have liked 1 post-season game. ‪#‎Wildcard

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‪For the second year in a row, the #‎Pirates‬ are out in post-season. But Pittsburgh is well on their way to becoming official MLB team of college basketball.  ‪#‎oneanddone‬

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A new study found that Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar on Facebook. And angry Trump fans are saying “Not true, my grammar is/was a great person, so is my grampa.”

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Colin Kaepernick – “I don’t play for job security.” Good thing, as the 49ers QB isn’t playing like he’s going to have any.

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A rainy June in Illinois wiped out a lot of this year’s U.S. pumpkin crop which may mean a canned pumpkin shortage by Thanksgiving. Stand by for Starbucks’ new “Zucchini Spice Latte.”

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Sepp Blatter will reportedly be suspended for 90 days by FIFA’s ethics committee. Shocking. FIFA HAS an ethics committee?

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The NFL is talking about playing some future games in Mexico. Talk about a way to undercut Trump’s allegations that criminals only come north across the border.

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ESPN is reporting that NY Knicks coach Derek Fisher and Grizzlies forward Matt Barnes “were involved in an physical altercation” last weekend at the home of Barnes’ ex-wife. Who says the Knicks won’t make headlines this year?

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The mother of the Oregon shooter is now saying when she was pregnant that she read “Trump’s Art of The Deal” to him as an unborn baby. Talk about a way to have a child start out thinking the world is an awful place.

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Chuck E Cheese is going to expand their alcohol selection in order to appeal more to parents. Wonder how many drinks it will take before their food actually tastes like pizza?

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Kevin McCarthy, backtracking on his comments implying that the Benghazi investigations in the House were a political weapon against Hillary Clinton: “I could have been more clear in my description of what was going forward.”
Uh, Rep. McCarthy. I think the problem was that you WERE crystal clear, and honest.

GOP House members today created a special committee on Wednesday to investigate Planned Parenthood. Could someone please ask Kevin McCarthy what the goals of the committee are?

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Rupert Murdoch tweeted today in support of Ben Carson. “What about a real black President who can properly address the racial divide? And much else.” Assume Murdoch also considers Clarence Thomas a “real black” Supreme Court judge

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Ben Carson doubling down on his Oregon shooting comments: “I was chuckling at the silly reporters, at not being able to understand such a simple concept. If you know someone is going to kill you, and they’re going to systematically kill you one by one, why would you sit there and wait for them to do it?”
Can’t wait to hear someone ask him a question about rape.

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Finally,  if you are reading this, guess the Rapture hasn’t happened yet. ‪#‎Doomsday‬

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We some of the people?

September 20, 2015

Ben Carson said he doesn’t think a Muslim should ever be President, because the religion isn’t “consistent with the constitution.” Well, actually, Dr. Carson, expecting Americans to follow ANY religion isn’t consistent with the constitution.

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Okay, who had both ‪#‎Stanford‬ & the ‪#‎Raiders‬ winning this weekend in football? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

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Right about now ‪#‎JohnHarbaugh‬ has to be thinking of calling brother ‪#‎jimharbaugh‬ & asking how to join the college coaching ranks. ‪#‎BALvsOak‬

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Marco Rubio on Obama “He’s born in the United States. He’s a Christian. He’s the president of the United States for the next year and a half and we’re going to move on.” Uh oh, if Rubio doesn’t watch out he’s going to lose that all important crazy vote.

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Hillary Clinton is now saying she’s a “real person,”  who can “talk about anything and everything – from the Kardashians to wonky climate change policy.”

Were those the best choices.  While the overlap between the two groups is small, a lot of Americans don’t believe in at least one of those examples.

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So after beating ‪#‎NIU‬ by 7, ‪#‎OhioState‬ strengthens their hold on #1 in ‪#‎APTop25‬. Shouldn’t the Huskies thus be at least in top 20?

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An Alabama wide receiver tweeted “For the second straight year, we will be in the college football playoff and Ole Miss won’t. Bama isn’t going anywhere.” Uh, AFTER Ole Miss won. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantdomatheither‬

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The NY Post reports that New York City custodians took home an average pay of $109,467 in the 2013-14 school year. That’s almost enough to afford a studio apartment in Manhattan.

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Scary that this year it looks like the ‪#‎NYJets‬ might be the less dysfunctional NFL team in New York? ‪#‎NYGiants‬

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Now some conservatives are claiming that Ahmed Mohamed really didn’t build a block and it was all a fraud to get attention, or worse, a “dry run” for a Muslim kid bringing a bomb to school. Sigh.
The boy would have been fine if he had just acted like a real Texan and built a gun

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Chris Christie, a Catholic, today on Pope Francis saying the U.S. and Cuba should restore relations: “I just think the pope is wrong. The fact is that his infallibility is on religious matters, not on political ones.”

Uh, wait, for the GOP aren’t religion and politics supposed to be the same thing?

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