Posted tagged ‘Patriot jokes’

Guess he didn’t get a rose?

September 11, 2015

Texas Governor Rick Perry has dropped out of the 2016 Presidential Race. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t realize he was still in it.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was upset about only being able to hear the Patriots radio broadcast over the team’s headsets. The NFL said New England was not to blame. Lather, rinse, repeat. ‪#‎thePatriotscandonowrong‬

Pittsburgh thought about filing a formal complaint then backed down.  Perhaps because they figured it would just get a couple New England clubhouse attendants fired, or perhaps because they figured the NFL would just fine them for annoying the Patriots.

A Virginia woman was arrested for having sex with her unconscious boyfriend in a parking lot in broad daylight. She claims it was a combination of alcohol and being “in the mood.” And considering he was unconscious, maybe some seriously good Viagra?

U.C. Berkeley, in their estimated costs to students, says the cost for rent off-campus is $7184 for the academic year. Of course what they don’t say is that the figure means living about 100 miles off campus.

MLB suspended Joey Votto, 32, two games for his major tantrum Wednesday when the Reds first baseman was denied a time out. He’s appealing the suspension. But. hey, a tantrum?  Maybe Votto should just think of it as a time out.

Now Gregor ‪#‎Blanco‬ has been diagnosed with a concussion. The 2015 ‪#‎SFGiants‬ at this point don’t need a trainer, they need a witch doctor.

Meanwhile,Jake ‪#‎Peavy‬ and the Sacramento ‪#‎RiverCats‬ had a really good night against the ‪#‎Padres‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Phillies have dismissed GM Ruben Amaro Jr.: Five words: What took them so long?

Donald Trump now says his insults, this time directed at Carly Fiorina, were made “as an entertainer, because I did the ‘Apprentice.'” So maybe Trump thinks this whole campaign is his new show – “Political Apprentice”?

Regarding all this controversy on Trump’s purported jab at Carly Fiorina’s looks, guess Carly and her supporters have forgotten her off-mike comment in 2010 about her rival Barbara Boxer – “God what is that hair?’ So yesterday!’

So amongst the various over-under bets on opening week of the ‪#‎NFL‬ season can you make an over-under on player arrests? ‪#‎NFLKickoff‬

So Aldon Smith, one of the the best pass rushers in the NFL, who’s been arrested 5 times in 3 years, was signed today by the Oakland Raiders. Is anyone surprised?

If Ray Rice hadn’t lost a few steps as an RB he’d surely have offers. Heck, of O.J. Simpson were still a Pro-Bowler HE’D have offers.

Serious bus to hell time, but hey, if we stop laughing the bad guys win.    And this one could alas be true::

On this awful anniversary of September 11, have to wonder how many more deaths there would have been had it happened now…. as hundreds of people running away from the collapsing towers would have stopped to take selfies.


All chewed up?

June 28, 2013

Remember when your mom told you if you swallowed chewing gum it would stay in your stomach forever? Well, Aaron Hernandez may find out that spitting that gum out might keep you in prison forever.

What a difference a couple weeks can make. Earlier this month the biggest worry the Patriots had was if Tim Tebow would be a positive or negative force on the team, and Paula Deen just had to worry about being blacklisted by places like Weight Watchers.
The Notre Dame-Miami football rivalry over the years has been dubbed “Catholics vs. Convicts.” Who knew, “Christians vs. Convicts” could have been a 2013 Patriots intra-squad game.
How hot was it?   New York Mayor Bloomberg was seen sneaking a “Big Gulp.”
Congrats to the Detroit Tigers’ Max Scherzer, 12-0 with a 3.18 ERA. How impressive is this start? If Scherzer pitched for the Marlins or Astros, his record might even be close to .500.
The New England Patriots announced that anyone who purchased an Aaron Hernandez jersey can trade it for one of equal value. Presumably with or without stripes?  (Scott Russell wonders if another trade-in option might be an orange jumpsuit?)

Actor James Woods, 66, has dumped his 26-year old girlfriend for a 20 year-old. “That’s just gross” said even Hugh Hefner.
Cleveland 19 – Chicago 10. So how did I miss the opening of NFL preseason?
(the nightcap of the twilight doubleheader was Cleveland 9, Chicago 8.   Wonder how often if ever the White Sox have scored 18 runs in two games and lost them both?)
Macky Sall, the President of Senegal, told President Obama ‘We are still not ready to decriminalize homosexuality. While we have respect for the rights of homosexuals, we are still not ready to change the law.” Is Sall angling to be asked to come to the U.S. and run for office as a Republican? Or is he trying to get Justice Scalia to visit?
Lance Armstrong told “Le Monde” magazine that it would have been “impossible” to win without doping, and that he still considers himself the record-holder for Tour victories. This man is so deep in denial he’s almost an honorary Sandusky.
Kyle Petty saying Danica Patrick is a “marketing machine” and not a “race car driver” because her hype and commercial success outweigh her results. So by that standard are the Chicago Cubs not a baseball team?
From Hartley Miller  ” A 72-year-old Minnesota man has been sentenced to one week in prison for cheating in a fishing competition. In other words, he was caught hook, line and sinker.”
More reason to be against gay marriage? Probably harder to park near SF City Hall today with all the rush on marriage licenses.#getoverit
A 72-year-old Minnesota man has been sentenced to one week in prison for cheating in a fishing competition. In other words, he was caught hook, line and sinker. – See more at:

Tax dollars working hard for the money?

February 8, 2012

The House just overwhelmingly passed a bill banning welfare recipients from spending federal aid in strip clubs. No problem there. It would probably be unconstitutional, but shame they can’t also pass a bill banning those in Congress from using their taxpayer funded stipends in strip clubs.

Can’t wait to see what Tom Brady says about the other women if Giselle Bundchen ever plays in the Lingerie Bowl.

Jeremy Lin, the New York Knicks’ unlikely new star, is a devout Christian. Hmm, does this mean God was looking for something to do during Tebow’s offseason?

On American Idol tomorrow, one of the singers who made it to Hollywood is Brittany Kerr, a cheerleader/dancer for Charlotte Bobcats. If she makes it to the finals we may see a new phenomenon, men asking their wives and girlfriends when Idol is on.

Newly minted Catholic Newt Gingrich is condemning the Obama administration’s decision to require religious hospitals and schools to offer birth control as part of their healthcare plans. Longtime Newt watchers just yawn and wonder what his next wife’s religion will say on the subject.

A pilot with Lion Air, Indonesia’s largest domestic airline, reportedly tested positive for crystal meth within hours before his scheduled flight. This was the second crystal meth arrest for the airline this year. So maybe passengers haven’t been imagining that their planes take off, fly, and land REALLY REALLY fast.

Rick Santorum has won tonight in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado. This is great news, for President Obama.

Rocket scientist of the day award? To the Denver Bronco’s Knowshon Moreno was arrested and charged with DUI, for driving 70mph in a construction zone with a license plate reading “SAUCED.”

Santorum wins Colorado! Reaction from moderate conservatives to the state – “Are you Rocky Mountain High?”

Today in Boston, someone dumped hundreds of Butterfinger candy bars in Boston’s Copley Square on Tuesday with a note: “Thank you Wes Welker.” Haven’t heard anyone pulling stunts joking about Brady throwing that ball to midfield from the end zone. But without that safety a field goal at the end wins the game.

Happy to see California Prop 8 declared unconstitutional. But if we really want to get more conservatives over to the side of gay marriage, need a campaign that says right now gay couples who are domestic partners pay lower tax rates than married couples.

Ricky Williams is retiring from the NFL. It could be high time.

Prosecutors are asking that Jerry Sandusky stay indoors as part of his house arrest. Apparently parents have complained that he can be seen outside and watching children in a schoolyard from the back porch of his home. I’m wondering why they granted this scumbag bail at all.

Karen Handel, the alleged driving force behind Komen’s decision to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood, resigned today. But in a statement said this was a board supported position and a discussion that started before she arrived. In other words, the company wanted me to steer towards those rocks.