Posted tagged ‘Paula Deen jokes’

Get in the game?

July 7, 2015

At the Minnesota Zoo, a grizzly bear threw a rock into a five-layer barrier hard enough to shatter the glass. Fortunately, there were no injuries. And the bear has been offered a tryout to pitch for the Red Sox.


Seahawks QB Russell Wilson says he and his singer girlfriend Ciara are following “Jesus’s playbook” and not having pre-martial sex. So even God is telling Wilson not to attempt a pass?



Coral Springs, Florida police say they have dropped an investigation into the NY Giants’ Jason Pierre-Paulafter, who badly injured his hands with illegal fireworks, because it was “outside their jurisdiction.”
Possible translation. “With all the crap going in this state, you think we have time to worry about some idiot who’s already punished himself more than our judicial system ever could?”


The PGA said today that this year’s PGA Grand Slam tournament will be moved from Los Angeles’s Trump National Golf Club. Amazing. Who knew it was possible to be un-PC enough to upset an organization run primarily by and for rich white men?

Paula Deen is back in the headlines, this time for tweeting an four-year-old picture with her son Bobby in “brownface”, dressed up as Ricky Ricardo. Well, it’s not as if Deen has had any experience with social media before… ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬


Donovan McNabb, 38, was arrested last night for his 2nd DUI in 2 years. Sounds like the former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings’ QB is trying just a bit too hard to act like he still belongs in the NFL


From Marc Ragovin  “One of the Mets’ upcoming promotions is “Emoji Tee Shirt Night.”  With their offense I assume all the emojis will be frowny faces

Rant time. Okay, again, the random shooting of a young woman on a San Francisco pier was awful. No question. But one woman is killed by a disturbed man who should have been deported and the GOP calls for a massive overhaul of immigration procedures.

Whereas nine people are killed in church by a disturbed man who should never have had a firearm, and the GOP sees no need to revisit gun control laws….


National Felons League?

June 29, 2013

Arrest number 37 in 2013. Indianapolis Colts safety Joe Lefeged has been arrested on gun-related charges after a traffic stop in Washington, D.C. Is it too soon to start naming an all-prison team?



When Aaron Hernandez had some issues at Florida, Urban Meyer said that he had rehabilitated the young man with daily Bible study sessions that the then Gator coach conducted personally. Well, that ought to make moms of Ohio State players feel all warm and fuzzy.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awful story about that poor young man in Egypt. But now the U.S. is warning Americans to stay away after an Ohio college student died when he was stabbed by a protester. What, and they should stay here in places like Detroit, Chicago, Los Angeles and Baltimore?



Paula Deen’s cookbook publisher has now cancelled upcoming volumes. So will a silver lining in this mess be at least a small dip in U.S. heart attacks and obesity rates?


Not “the Onion”: On July 3, The Huntsville Stars, a Milwaukee Brewers Double-A team, have “2nd Amendment Night – fun, food, and firepower.” The game will be free for all NRA members, and fans will have the chance to win one of three guns in a raffle. Maybe not a good night to start an argument in the stands or parking lot?

Four Vanderbilt football players have been dismissed from the team and suspended from the school over an alleged sex crime in a university dorm. Who says Vandy doesn’t belong in the SEC?


#SFGiants. At some point it is not that a string of opposing pitchers are having great outings. At some point it is that your hitting s*cks.

Apparently the father of Edward Snowden has offered federal authorities a deal whereby his son would return voluntarily to the United States to face espionage charges. Translation, that Moscow airport transit lounge isn’t quite the dream destination Snowden had in mind when he started all this.


Dwight Howard going to meet with the Rockets. Houston, you may be about to have a problem.

You can’t make this “stuff” up: Now that gay marriages are taking place in California, groups have filed appeals to reinstate the ban against them. One of the groups calls itself the “Alliance Defending Freedom.”



Alec Baldwin, trying to dig himself out of the latest hole he dug with one of his rants, says that when he called a reporter a “toxic little queen” it wasn’t homophobic. So Baldwin’s defense is that he is equally obnoxious to everyone?

All chewed up?

June 28, 2013

Remember when your mom told you if you swallowed chewing gum it would stay in your stomach forever? Well, Aaron Hernandez may find out that spitting that gum out might keep you in prison forever.

What a difference a couple weeks can make. Earlier this month the biggest worry the Patriots had was if Tim Tebow would be a positive or negative force on the team, and Paula Deen just had to worry about being blacklisted by places like Weight Watchers.
The Notre Dame-Miami football rivalry over the years has been dubbed “Catholics vs. Convicts.” Who knew, “Christians vs. Convicts” could have been a 2013 Patriots intra-squad game.
How hot was it?   New York Mayor Bloomberg was seen sneaking a “Big Gulp.”
Congrats to the Detroit Tigers’ Max Scherzer, 12-0 with a 3.18 ERA. How impressive is this start? If Scherzer pitched for the Marlins or Astros, his record might even be close to .500.
The New England Patriots announced that anyone who purchased an Aaron Hernandez jersey can trade it for one of equal value. Presumably with or without stripes?  (Scott Russell wonders if another trade-in option might be an orange jumpsuit?)

Actor James Woods, 66, has dumped his 26-year old girlfriend for a 20 year-old. “That’s just gross” said even Hugh Hefner.
Cleveland 19 – Chicago 10. So how did I miss the opening of NFL preseason?
(the nightcap of the twilight doubleheader was Cleveland 9, Chicago 8.   Wonder how often if ever the White Sox have scored 18 runs in two games and lost them both?)
Macky Sall, the President of Senegal, told President Obama ‘We are still not ready to decriminalize homosexuality. While we have respect for the rights of homosexuals, we are still not ready to change the law.” Is Sall angling to be asked to come to the U.S. and run for office as a Republican? Or is he trying to get Justice Scalia to visit?
Lance Armstrong told “Le Monde” magazine that it would have been “impossible” to win without doping, and that he still considers himself the record-holder for Tour victories. This man is so deep in denial he’s almost an honorary Sandusky.
Kyle Petty saying Danica Patrick is a “marketing machine” and not a “race car driver” because her hype and commercial success outweigh her results. So by that standard are the Chicago Cubs not a baseball team?
From Hartley Miller  ” A 72-year-old Minnesota man has been sentenced to one week in prison for cheating in a fishing competition. In other words, he was caught hook, line and sinker.”
More reason to be against gay marriage? Probably harder to park near SF City Hall today with all the rush on marriage licenses.#getoverit
A 72-year-old Minnesota man has been sentenced to one week in prison for cheating in a fishing competition. In other words, he was caught hook, line and sinker. – See more at:

Twinkie time?

June 23, 2013

Hostess has announced they will have Twinkies back on the store shelves July 15. Good news for fans who stockpiled the snack cakes last year: old Twinkies probably only have about 99 years of shelf life left.

Manny Ramirez wants to return to MLB and rumors have linked him with the Yankees. Probably won’t happen but a few weeks of Manny being Manny might make NY fans actually miss A-Rod.

Joe Theismann’s “Super Beta Prostate” TMI commercial – “Even when I first started broadcasting, I’d be hit with sudden urges to go… I no longer have to go so frequently and I usually sleep through the night…” Who knew there might be something harder to watch featuring Theismann than his infamous leg injury.

Paula Deen’s fans are apparently furious over Food Network’s firing her over racial slurs, with nasty comments of their own on the Network’s FB page. Including things like “We all use the n-word.” Well, this ought to help Southerners with that stereotype of being racist rednecks.

This Serena Williams / Maria Sharapova catfight has gotten pretty nasty. Even Tiger and Sergio are saying “Just shut up and play.”

The more I hear about Edward Snowden, who really seems to be relishing the limelight, the more I think even people who agree with what he did have might also agree with T.S. Eliot: “The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason.”

It will be a sad day when Nelson Mandela leaves us, but come on folks: These media stories saying things like a team of seven doctors “is doing everything possible to get his condition to improve” He is 94, he has been frail and unable to appear in public in years. Let the poor man be….

A five year old girl has died in New Orleans after she apparently accidentally shot herself in the head. If only the poor child had been armed. Wait, never mind.

Thanks to a rain delay the East Coast now gets to enjoy #ESPN Monday Morning Baseball.

Okay, I’m impressed. After a rain delay, its Sunday night, the 6th inning of a June game inter-league St. Louis Cardinals-Texas Rangers game, so neither a big rivalry nor the playoffs, and it’s midnight. And the Busch Stadium stands are packed.

Weighty issues?

June 22, 2013

The Food Network dropped Paula Deen after she admitted to using racial slurs in the past. That crashing sound you hear is the bottom falling out of the butter market.

The New England Patriots are traveling to New Orleans to play the Saints this October. I can see the signs in the Superdome now “At least we didn’t kill anybody.”

A Northern California woman who was just released from jail allegedly celebrated by drinking, and drove into parked car, a tree and then a house. With a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. No injuries but missed a Darwin award by THAT much…

So in return for allowing $40 million of his assets to be distributed to his victims, former Enron CEO’s Jeffrey Skilling’s sentence has been reduced from 24 to 14 years. Everyone has a price. Guess the price of our justice system has rarely been so specifically quantified.


Wonder what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s reasoning was for naming their baby “North?” Did they figure without an unusual name the poor little girl might be overlooked and not get any attention?

(or as my friend Alex Kaseberg added,  “Because the name Future Ugly Custody Battle was too long..”)


Gov. Chris Christie is ordering all New Jersey government buildings in the sttate to fly flags at half-staff on Monday to honor James Gandolfini. Nothing bad better happen to Bruce Springsteen on Christie’s watch, the governor would shut the whole state down

Cliff Alexander, ESPN’s #2 high school prospect, just announced 10 colleges he is considering. (Kansas, Michigan State, Kentucky, Louisville, Illinois, DePaul, Indiana, Memphis, Baylor and Arizona.) It’s a big decision, Alexander has to choose where he’s going to spend a whole six or seven months of his life.

All these folks anointing Lebron James as one of the best ever after the Heat’s win last night. So what most helped him avoid the “over-rated” tag – the Spurs’ missed game 6 free throws, or those non-foul calls?

The FAA is reportedly considering relaxing the ban on portable electronic devices during takeoff and landing. Of course, they can’t just consider the cockpit instruments safety issue, there’s the potential of cellphone users being justifiably assaulted by fellow passengers.

Southwest Airlines grounded flights Friday night across the western United States due to a computer problem. Other airlines expressed sympathy and immediately added a “computer maintenance fee. “

Starbucks is announcing a “small” increase next week in the some of their drink prices. But on a brighter note, the chain also announced that reasonable financing plans will be available.