Posted tagged ‘Perry jokes’

Guess he didn’t get a rose?

September 11, 2015

Texas Governor Rick Perry has dropped out of the 2016 Presidential Race. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t realize he was still in it.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was upset about only being able to hear the Patriots radio broadcast over the team’s headsets. The NFL said New England was not to blame. Lather, rinse, repeat. ‪#‎thePatriotscandonowrong‬

Pittsburgh thought about filing a formal complaint then backed down.  Perhaps because they figured it would just get a couple New England clubhouse attendants fired, or perhaps because they figured the NFL would just fine them for annoying the Patriots.

A Virginia woman was arrested for having sex with her unconscious boyfriend in a parking lot in broad daylight. She claims it was a combination of alcohol and being “in the mood.” And considering he was unconscious, maybe some seriously good Viagra?

U.C. Berkeley, in their estimated costs to students, says the cost for rent off-campus is $7184 for the academic year. Of course what they don’t say is that the figure means living about 100 miles off campus.

MLB suspended Joey Votto, 32, two games for his major tantrum Wednesday when the Reds first baseman was denied a time out. He’s appealing the suspension. But. hey, a tantrum?  Maybe Votto should just think of it as a time out.

Now Gregor ‪#‎Blanco‬ has been diagnosed with a concussion. The 2015 ‪#‎SFGiants‬ at this point don’t need a trainer, they need a witch doctor.

Meanwhile,Jake ‪#‎Peavy‬ and the Sacramento ‪#‎RiverCats‬ had a really good night against the ‪#‎Padres‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

The Phillies have dismissed GM Ruben Amaro Jr.: Five words: What took them so long?

Donald Trump now says his insults, this time directed at Carly Fiorina, were made “as an entertainer, because I did the ‘Apprentice.'” So maybe Trump thinks this whole campaign is his new show – “Political Apprentice”?

Regarding all this controversy on Trump’s purported jab at Carly Fiorina’s looks, guess Carly and her supporters have forgotten her off-mike comment in 2010 about her rival Barbara Boxer – “God what is that hair?’ So yesterday!’

So amongst the various over-under bets on opening week of the ‪#‎NFL‬ season can you make an over-under on player arrests? ‪#‎NFLKickoff‬

So Aldon Smith, one of the the best pass rushers in the NFL, who’s been arrested 5 times in 3 years, was signed today by the Oakland Raiders. Is anyone surprised?

If Ray Rice hadn’t lost a few steps as an RB he’d surely have offers. Heck, of O.J. Simpson were still a Pro-Bowler HE’D have offers.

Serious bus to hell time, but hey, if we stop laughing the bad guys win.    And this one could alas be true::

On this awful anniversary of September 11, have to wonder how many more deaths there would have been had it happened now…. as hundreds of people running away from the collapsing towers would have stopped to take selfies.


3 16

January 9, 2012

Yes, you cannot make this “stuff” up, Tim Tebow threw for 3 16 yards tonight. Coincidentally the number of his favorite bible verse.

Not to be confused with Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite 3 16 – three 16 year olds. (Okay, okay, so the alleged victim was 20. He was 28.)

But really, First play in overtime. Okay, that’s it, God is just f*cking with us.

John Elway has to be feeling pretty good about telling Tim Tebow to “”pull the trigger.” But if John’s going to toss around phrases like that, it’s probably a good thing the Broncos hadn’t traded for Plaxico Burress.

Fortunately a Denver-New Orleans Super Bowl is still a longshot. Because what’s God going to do if and when Tebow faces the Saints?

All this talk about Tim Tebow thinking he’s God. Clearly for much of Sunday the critics were wrong. Tebow didn’t think he is God, he though he was Steve Young.

From T.C “Big Ben supposedly heard muttering to himself as he left the field after 1 play in OT – There is no God.”

Anyone watch the Bowl? Yeah, me neither.

All this talk about if Atlanta had only not gone for those two 4th and inches plays…. The way I see it, that would have made the score 24-9.

Kiefer Sutherland said that filming on the new “24” movie will start in the spring. Presumably the first scenes will be shot between 9:00 and 10:00am.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry said today he’s not giving up on the GOP presidential primary. And compared himself to the fighters who rode back into the Alamo. Now, I wholeheartedly honor those brave Texans who fought in San Antonio, but does Perry know they all ended up dead?

Beyonce named her baby girl, “Blue Ivy.” So when did they print the memo that says that if you’re a celebrity it’s your duty to name your kids something stupid?

Poor Kristen Wiig. Not that her career is doing that badly with “Bridesmaids” and SNL. But watching her again on “Weekend Update” reminded me that her Michele Bachmann impersonation, which she won’t have much call to do now, is ALMOST as good as Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin.

Think we can now safely rule out a Newt-Mitt ticket: Gingrich on Romney’s saying that he was a one-term Mass. because he wanted to return to private life. “Could we drop a little bit of the pious baloney?? You had a very bad re-election rating; you dropped out…. You were running for president while you were governor, you were out of state consistently.”

(You do have to love a man who has been married three times but still endorses the Defense of Marriage Act telling ANYONE to “cut the pious baloney.”)

And yes, we Stanford fans need to get over it. Eventually. But let’s see, in this past week at the end of a tie game, we’ve now seen a coach with the best QB in college go conservative and run, and a coach with one of the worst QBs in the NFL risk disaster by going for the big pass….

Send in the clowns.

December 16, 2011

Newt Gingrich believes people can choose to be straight, just like they can “choose to be celibate.” And somewhere Newt’s gay sister is thinking “Too bad you can’t choose your relatives.”

Newt Gingrich is referring now to Palestinians as an “invented people.” (Even though pictures have re-surfaced of Newt in 1993 embracing Yasser Arafat.) Well, at this point many people on both sides of the aisle consider Newt an “invented candidate.”

Ndamukong Suh walked out of a radio interview with the Detroit Lions’ station this week. Well, silver lining for the hosts, at least he didn’t stomp out.

Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating Person of 2011” turned out to be Steve Jobs, who died earlier this year. Although had Steve stlll been alive, sharing the stage and the list with the Kardashians might have killed him.

Newt Gingrich keeps talking how if he gets the GOP nomination, he will beat challenge President Obama by challenging him to seven three-hour debates. Really? In seven three-hour debates, Gingrich will undoubtedly change at least a position or two. If not a wife.

Rick Perry at tonight’s GOP debate compared himself to Tim Tebow. And a voice from the heavens boomed down – “Governor, I know Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow is a friend of Mine, and Governor, you’re no Tim Tebow.”

Chris Paul at a news conference today – “I’m excited to be here in L.A. with this unbelievable franchise with so much history behind it.” So does Paul think that given the Clippers’ history there is nowhere to go but up? Or does he think he was traded to the Lakers.

Chicago Bears WR Sam Hurd was arrested Wednesday night and apparently will be charged with serious drug dealing. Guess he found it tough feeding his family on only $685 thousand a year.

Another you cannot make this “stuff” up quote from Christine O’Donnell as to why she endorsed Mitt Romney: “because he’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” (And John Kerry said, why didn’t I think of that?)

Rick Perry on fidelity “I didn’t make a vow just to my wife. I also made a vow to God. I’m afraid of my wife. I’m not afraid of my wife as much as I’m afraid of God.” Just the kind of romantic declaration every woman wants to hear.

If you thought Jerry Sandusky’s 1st lawyer was bad, how the newest member of the defense team Karl Rominger? Who said in his client’s defense “Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 would sound strange to some people, but actually people who work with troubled youth would tell you that there are a lot of (them) who have to be taught basic life skills, like how to put soap on your body.” Blech. Again, makes me want to take a shower, or rather bath.

Holiday note to parents whose children like to kick the seats on planes. Put you or your spouse (or a sibling) in the seat in front of them. Peace on Earth. Or at least in the Air.

Happy Thankful for Turkeys Day.

November 24, 2011

And on that subject, I think I can join comedy writers all over the world… If the Republican primary was being dominated by an intelligent, reasonable, likable man (like Jon Huntsman), well, we might all be better off in the long run. But it would be a more a boring world.

Bad weather across the U.S. Wednesday meant that some travelers won’t make it to their families for Thanksgiving dinner. And at least a few of those travelers have already raised a glass somewhere to toast Mother Nature.

Michele Bachmann’s spokesman said NBC did finally apologize for the song and said the band had been “severely reprimanded.” In related news, Fallon’s musicians were all made honorary members of the Stanford band.

So, “Lying Ass B****” for Michele Bachmann?

Surely late night bands can come up with more ideas for other political figures.

For any member of Congress- “Fool on the hill.”

For Congress, the candidates and our President: “Promises, promises.”

For Arnold Schwarznegger, “Billie Jean.” Oh never mind, the child IS his son.

For Rick Perry after that New Hampshire speech “Everybody must get stoned.”

For Romney: “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” (You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.)

More to follow, or readers, please add in comments. Political – or for that matter, intro music for sports figures. (Some of those tomorrow for sure.)

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was “not looking to put money in people’s pockets.” Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it.

The Kansas City Chiefs signed Kyle Orton off waivers, and the Chicago Bears signed Josh McCown. That’s it, Brett Favre is officially “chopped liver.”

Andrew Luck will apparently not play the “one more year of eligibility” card to affect the NFL draft As it has been reported the Stanford QB will not take classes next quarter. (Either that or Luck wants to see what it’s like to be an SEC quarterback.)

A source told ESPN, that Urban Meyer has done some “soul-searching,” and is likely to accept the Ohio State coaching job. Angry Florida fans doubt the story, because at this point they doubt he has a soul to search.

The NBA owners and players are talking again, with a new self-imposed deadline for Christmas games. Brings to mind that old Chicago song “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?”

Another week, more allegations against, and more denials by, Jerry Sandusky. If this guy loses any more credibility he’ll be named an honorary member of Congress. (In the interest of not going directly to hell I won’t say “or of the Vatican.”)

But here’s another rider on the bus to hell:

From Marc Ragovin “An assistant Principal at a Brooklyn high school has been suspended for viewing child pornography, or as its also called, Penn State game film.

Finally in all seriousness, thanks to anyone reading this blog, even if you just stumbled upon it by accident today. You all are the reason I write. Janice Hough

Rising and falling.

September 19, 2011

Ohio State fell out of the top 25 in the AP college football rankings for the first time since 2004. Of course, with the NCAA investigation the Buckeyes had probably already fallen out of the top 25 as far as player pay scale.

The Boston Red Sox, losers of 11 of their last 14, are now only two games up in the Wild Card race over Tampa Bay. If the Sox hang on, they might become the first MLB team to make the playoffs without showing up for most of April and September.

Cam Newton threw for over 400 yards in each of his first two NFL games. When asked how he seemed so relaxed, Cam allegedly responded “I just pretended I was facing SEC investigators..”

Michael Vick suffered a neck injury and left the Eagles-Falcons game Sunday in the third quarter. Wonder if any Atlanta editor was tempted to use the headline “Dog-gone?”

Jane Lynch, who hosted the Emmys, is unabashedly out of the closet, but doesn’t seem to be the target of much conservative criticism. Is it that America’s actually getting less homophobic? Or are would-be critics just afraid of her?

Alec Baldwin asked that his short skit be totally cut from the Emmys show when Fox nixed a joke about Rupert Murdoch and News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal. Fox’s response was that the network had been carefully considering the decision since they heard Baldwin discussing the line on the phone last week.

Congratulations to Mariano Rivera who notched his record-tying 601st save yesterday for the Yankees. While Rivera is unquestionably a good closer, there has been some luck involved – if he played for the Royals or Pirates, Mariano might not have had 601 potential wins to save.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn said he is innocent of any “violence or aggression” regarding his tryst with the maid in New York, but acknowledged a “moral weakness.”

I wouldn’t go THAT far, responded Bill Clinton.

Some claim it would take a miracle for President Obama to be re-elected. But really, is that any more unlikely than this? The Washington Redskins and Rex Grossman, 2 and 0.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is taking some flack for having billed state taxpayers $294,000 for his travel security. But in Perry’s defense, at least half of that was to keep his hair in place.

Lindsey Graham claims that President Obama’s plan to have a minimum tax on millionaires is “class warfare.” Not that it’s likely to happen but some part of me would love to hear Obama respond “Maybe, but so was storming the Bastille.”

Wonder if the New York Yankees will be the first sports team to oppose Obama’s tax hike on millionaires. Not that the team is worried about their players, but the Yankees are concerned the hike will affect their entire season ticket base.

Although that’s probably an overstatement. Even most people who make over $1 million a year can’t afford Yankees season tickets.

Republicans are already denouncing President Obama’s minimum tax for millionaires as “Class Warfare.” Well, if true, this might be the first type of warfare the GOP doesn’t support.

Congrats to Kyle Chandler. “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” And if you’ve never heard that phrase before, watch “Friday Night Lights” on DVD. One of those rare television shows that never felt like you were putting your brain (or heart) on hold to watch.

Scariest place in the world?

September 8, 2011

Just might be in a room standing between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and the only blow dryer.

Tonight’s GOP debate will be held at the Reagan Library. Ironic, because for all his reputation, Reagan did occasionally compromise with Democrats, raised taxes, and appointed Sandra Day O’Connor to the Supreme Court. In tonight’s crowd his action would be considered those of a flaming liberal.

Who knows at this point who will be the Republican nominee for President? But if it comes down to Perry and Romney there will at least be full employment for mens’ hairdressers.

Didn’t we learn from John Edwards? Never trust a man who spends more time on his hair than his wife.

Michele Bachmann wants to eliminate the Department of Education. Makes a certain amount of sense. She shows no sign of having benefited from it.

I admit Nancy Pelosi looks like she overdosed on Botox. But Michele Bachman, who is 55, isn’t far behind.

And in all the potential bets and drinking games, who had Rick Perry praising former Massachusetts Governor Dukakis – telling Romney that “Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt,”

The White House doesn’t release information on the President’s television viewing habits, but seems likely that if Obama was sitting down watching the debate, he had more fun tonight than he has in months.

Meanwhile millions of Americans, when asked if they were paying attention to the big debate, figured that meant whether or not Texas A & M should leave the Big 12.

Is this really the best headline they could have written – on the CNN political ticker? “Christie gets big job.”

Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton said he was surprised to get a phone call this week from Michael Vick. Surprised I guess because he figured Vick would have called his dad.

In San Jose, California, police officers cited three women working in a Vietnamese coffee shop who they said were serving patrons while topless. Sort of puts a new spin on “short,” “extra hot,” and “grande.”

‎32 games for the SF Giants, 5 errors. At least a few of them resulting in game changing unearned runs. Seems to me Orlando Cabrera should be spelt with a lot more “E”s

Justin Verlander won his 22nd game today, despite giving up 4 earned runs in 6 innings, as the Tigers beat the Indians 8-6. SF Giants management immediately faxed weather reports on average summer temperatures and humidity in Detroit to their entire starting pitching staff.

The Florida Marlins’ new stadium, scheduled to open in 2012, is 80 percent completed. The team is so excited they are considering offering a sneak preview tour to both season ticket holders.

The SEC voted to accept Texas A&M, but the deal won’t be official until all Big 12 schools have promised not to take legal action. You know you’re getting old when you can remember when the drama in college football was actually on the field.

Travel example in the “You can’t make this stuff up” category: A client asked me to find a hotel near her boss’s meeting in New York. Said sure, but where was the meeting? She gave me the address on Broadway, then added “It’s on the 17th floor.”

From Augie, in response to my post saying that W. asked Cheney what a “mea culpa” was.

He thinks that Cheney responded “Mea culpa runneth over with your stupid questions.”

Dead cat bounces?

August 11, 2011

A “dead cat bounce” (apologies to my cats) is a term used to describe a stock or stocks that crash, and bounce up briefly, but end up falling down again. Hence, they are dead cats and the bounce is an illusion.

So which on Tuesday will turn out to be the deader cat bounce. The stock market’s one-day rise of 430 points? Or the San Francisco Giants’ 6-0 win over Pittsburgh?

(Wednesday the market fell over 500 points and the Giants lost 9-2, to a Pittsburgh team that had lost 11 of 12, and to a pitcher on a four game losing streak.)

My friend Rich opined that the Giants might need to “kick some asses.” With all due respect, these days if they tried to kick ass, the Giants would swing and miss.

NBA players are scrambling for something to do during the lockout. Lebron James indicates he won’t play in Europe. Instead he might star in a remake of “Wedding Crashers.” At least that way Lebron will get close to some rings.

Jacksonville Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio has announced he has now forbidden rookie hazing. I guess he figures playing in Jacksonville is punishment enough.

Sometimes no punchline can top reality: Rex Grossman today predicted the Redskins would win the NFC East.

The Toronto Blue Jays have been accused of stealing signs, allegedly with a man dressed in white in the outfield, waving his arms around to indicate the pitch.

Actually considering the records, lineups, and most importantly payrolls of the teams in front of the Jays, maybe the fan in white is just signifying surrender.

Sarah Palin is relaunching her “One Nation” bus tour this week in Iowa in advance of the GOP straw poll. According to a fundraising solicitation for Sarah PAC, the bus is also scheduled to travel to the boyhood homes of Harry S. Truman and Ronald Reagan (Independence, MO and Dixon, IL). Which means the tour will quit somewhere in the middle of Missouri.

Texas Governor Rick Perry told the Dallas Morning News that his alma mater, Texas A&M is considering moving to the SEC for football. Yeah, you can tell Perry is thinking of running for President, he’s focusing on the issues that are really important to Americans.

Nigel Lythgoe, an executive producer for “American Idol” said today Jennifer Lopez will return to judge another season. Is this what they call a “behind” the scene report?

Tiger Woods seems to be trying to avoid controversy these days. Wood said he texted Steve Williams to congratulate his former caddie on the win Sunday. Tiger would have avoided a lot more than controversy if he had just stuck to texting Williams in the first place..

During the FAA impasse when airlines were not collecting the 7.5 percent U.S. domestic tax, our travel agency had exactly ONE client ask about getting the tax back for tickets he had booked in May for early August. This client is a multimillionaire. And some wonder how the rich stay rich.