Posted tagged ‘Ben Roethlisberger jokes’

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More than some assembly required.

November 14, 2013

Police in Sweden were called to a potential “domestic incident”, when a neighbor heard “banging and screaming.” It turned out to simply be a couple trying to assemble IKEA furniture. Although I have to wonder….how many domestic incidents have started over trying to assemble IKEA furniture.

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In San Francisco a Muni train left the station without an operator after the driver got out to check a door and forgot to set the emergency break. Well, it could have been worse.. could have happened to an airline pilot.

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The 9-0 Kansas City Chiefs said WR Dwayne Bowe, who was arrested for marijuana possession this week will start Sunday night against the Broncos. (Bowe is 2nd on the team in catches.) It’s all about that Golden Rule. Bring in the Gold, you don’t need to follow the Rules.

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Anyone else find it just a bit ironic that the party complaining about how all Obamacare policies must cover maternity, is the party that also usually makes a big show of being pro-life?

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The University of Florida president and AD have both expressed confidence in embattled coach Will Muschamp, despite the Gators 4-5 record. Well, they have about 15 million reasons, as Mushamp has five years left on his contract at an average salary of $2,928,791.

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The Secret Service is under investigation again for sexual misconduct, this time stemming from an alleged incident where a supervisor met a woman in the Hay-Adams hotel, and accidentally left a bullet in her D.C. hotel room. Former President Bill Clinton no doubt has already volunteered to investigate.

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Contradicting a statement he made after the 2012 election, John Boehner now says the House will not take up immigration reform this year, saying it’s “too complicated to rush.” So is the Speaker angling for a post-politics job of serving on one of Bud Selig’s “blue ribbon committees?”

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Mariah Carey on her American Idol experience with an unnamed co-judge. “It was like going to work every day in hell with Satan.” And somewhere Simon Cowell is thinking “Who am I, chopped liver?”

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Ben Roethlisberger, on Detroit Lions DTs Nadmukong Suh and Nick Fairley “You’ve got to be careful. You’ll end up dead if you’re not careful.” Suh’s response “I’m not a killer.. I guess I can take that somewhat as a compliment.” Wonder if he thought of adding “And I’m not a rapist either.”

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Lululemon founder Chip Wilson is apologizing for offending customers by saying their brand’s yoga pants just don’t work for “some women’s bodies.” Although no doubt Wilson is being secretly cheered by people who have been at restaurants, stores, etc where some of lululemon’s customers have proved his point.

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Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s latest admission, that he did purchase illegal drugs. Well, it could be worse, at least Ford didn’t get in a drunken stupor and text pictures of his junk.

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The Toronto City Council voted 37-5 to ask Mayor Rob Ford to take a leave of absence. Wow. Those 5 must really love to watch train wrecks.The Toronto City Council voted 37-5 to ask Mayor Rob Ford to take a leave of absence. Wow. Those 5 must really love to watch train wrecks.

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From Alex Kaseberg:  Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, admits to buying illegal drugs. Of course we Americans are shocked. A politician who paid for something out of their own pocket? Never happens here.

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3 16

January 9, 2012

Yes, you cannot make this “stuff” up, Tim Tebow threw for 3 16 yards tonight. Coincidentally the number of his favorite bible verse.

Not to be confused with Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite 3 16 – three 16 year olds. (Okay, okay, so the alleged victim was 20. He was 28.)

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But really, First play in overtime. Okay, that’s it, God is just f*cking with us.

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John Elway has to be feeling pretty good about telling Tim Tebow to “”pull the trigger.” But if John’s going to toss around phrases like that, it’s probably a good thing the Broncos hadn’t traded for Plaxico Burress.

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Fortunately a Denver-New Orleans Super Bowl is still a longshot. Because what’s God going to do if and when Tebow faces the Saints?

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All this talk about Tim Tebow thinking he’s God. Clearly for much of Sunday the critics were wrong. Tebow didn’t think he is God, he though he was Steve Young.

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From T.C “Big Ben supposedly heard muttering to himself as he left the field after 1 play in OT – There is no God.”
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Anyone watch the Godaddy.com Bowl? Yeah, me neither.

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All this talk about if Atlanta had only not gone for those two 4th and inches plays…. The way I see it, that would have made the score 24-9.

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Kiefer Sutherland said that filming on the new “24” movie will start in the spring. Presumably the first scenes will be shot between 9:00 and 10:00am.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said today he’s not giving up on the GOP presidential primary. And compared himself to the fighters who rode back into the Alamo. Now, I wholeheartedly honor those brave Texans who fought in San Antonio, but does Perry know they all ended up dead?

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Beyonce named her baby girl, “Blue Ivy.” So when did they print the memo that says that if you’re a celebrity it’s your duty to name your kids something stupid?

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Poor Kristen Wiig. Not that her career is doing that badly with “Bridesmaids” and SNL. But watching her again on “Weekend Update” reminded me that her Michele Bachmann impersonation, which she won’t have much call to do now, is ALMOST as good as Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin.

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Think we can now safely rule out a Newt-Mitt ticket: Gingrich on Romney’s saying that he was a one-term Gov.in Mass. because he wanted to return to private life. “Could we drop a little bit of the pious baloney?? You had a very bad re-election rating; you dropped out…. You were running for president while you were governor, you were out of state consistently.”

(You do have to love a man who has been married three times but still endorses the Defense of Marriage Act telling ANYONE to “cut the pious baloney.”)

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And yes, we Stanford fans need to get over it. Eventually. But let’s see, in this past week at the end of a tie game, we’ve now seen a coach with the best QB in college go conservative and run, and a coach with one of the worst QBs in the NFL risk disaster by going for the big pass….

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Neanderthals past and present:

July 24, 2011

New research adds DNA evidence to the theory that Neanderthals and humans started interbreeding between 50,000 and 80,000 years ago. In related news, Ben Roethlisberger was married today.

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Gary Morton’s comment on the wedding -“As a tribute to Roethlisberger’s free-wheeling-bachelor past, the church’s restrooms were sealed off with yellow crime scene tape.”

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A Florida man was arrested for trying to ship $30,000 of crystal methamphetamine in a package of Meow Mix. Police became suspicious when neighbors reported his cats were chasing birds by flying into trees.

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Fourteen in a row for the Mariners. At what point do wins against Seattle start getting an asterisk?

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After Ohio State vacated all of last year’s wins and coach Jim Tressel was forced to resign, the NCAA has nonetheless decided that they will not be banned from any postseason games. The Buckeyes, in fact, are now considered Rose Bowl favorites. Four words- “Money, money, money, money.”

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Speaker Boehner has walked out of debt reduction talks because he will not accept ANY “revenue enhancements.” So when did those “inalienable” rights become life, liberty, and the pursuit of lower taxes on millionaires?

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Supporters of Sarah Palin were incensed that the as yet undeclared candidate was left off an August straw poll for GOP presidential contenders in Iowa.

Actually, responded the organizers of the ballot, we considered including Palin’s name, but we quit that idea about halfway through the process.

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Linda Christian, the first Bond Girl, died at the age of 87.  Not to say she was old, but rumor has it when Christian had a role in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” Her Majesty was Queen Victoria.

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The term “Death Wish” is overused. But in Amy Winehouse’s case it appears to have been completely appropriate.   A sad story.  Hope Lindsay Lohan is taking notice.

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And while we’re on the serious track :  So after this horrible Norway massacre yesterday, should security start profiling tall blond men? (That description, as my friend Steven points out, also fits Timothy McVeigh.)

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Are we ready for some football? Jokes anyway.

June 29, 2011

Ben Roethlisberger may need an operation to repair his broken foot. Let me guess, if Big Ben checks into a deluxe hotel before the surgery, his fiancee has already vetoed his ordering room service.

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Terrell Owens’ agent says that despite his client’s surgergy, T.O. is not retiring. Not sure how NFL teams looking for a receiver feel about this, but comedy writers across the country are breathing a big sigh of relief.

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Rep. Michele Bachmann’s former chief of staff has declined to work for the campaign and instead endorsed Tim Pawlenty. Bachmann wants to be the next President, she’s more likely to be the next Gingrich.

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Although despite all of Gingrich’s staffer’s quitting, Newt says he is still in the race.  The number of candidates in the GOP field keeps growing and growing. At what point can we start sending one of them home each week without a rose?

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My current dream – Can we get Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin together on the Tonight Show? Preferably the “Jaywalking” segment.

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Malaysia Airlines, responding to complaints from passengers who don’t like to listen to crying in first class, has now banned babies from the first class cabin on their Boeing 747-400 jets, and plans to expand the ban to other planes. One question – are they talking only about chronological babies?

 

 

In an interview on Fox News Tuesday night, Bristol Palin declined to comment about her mother’s possible run for the presidency, saying “What happens at our kitchen table stays at our kitchen table.” Well, at least until we decide to write a book about it.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to file a motion to seize the Los Angeles Dodgers. Amazing how fast Bud Selig can moves when he wants to. Meanwhile, his three-man “Blue Ribbon Committee” studying the Oakland A’s possible move to San Jose hasn’t come up with a decision after over two years….

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Pope Benedict XVI used an iPad to send out his first-ever tweet this morning. So how come the Vatican is so open to adopting technology, and so rigidly against adopting ideas like a (officially) non-celibate clergy?

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Final score from Tuesday in the first game of a doubleheader.  San Francisco 13, Chicago 7.  Did the Giants miss an extra point or something?

 

Here we go again. This time it’s Georgia’s athletic department that has contacted the NCAA and the SEC regarding possible eligibility problems – with football player Jarvis Jones and incoming basketball player Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. At this point it’s enough to make sports fans long for the comparative innnocence and purity of bicycle racing.

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From Jim Barach:   Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton is blaming his poor daytime batting average on having blue eyes. He doesn’t understand that before 1947, the number one reason most major leaguers were in the big leagues was having blue eyes.

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Friday ramblings…

April 30, 2010

Former President Clinton said that Chelsea asked him to do one thing for her regarding her summer wedding – which was to lose 15 pounds. Presumably her second choice request “Please don’t hit on my bridesmaids.”

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Eminem rips Pittsburgh’s wayward quarterback in his new song with the line “Get as rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall.” Okay, how low do you have to go to be morally chastised by a rapper?

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The San Francisco Giants were the least-hated team in baseball according to a Nielsen survey. Makes sense, they haven’t beaten anyone’s else’s favorite team in a World Series.

The Yankees, surprisingly, were not the most hated team. Which simply means the survey probably was mostly taken in New York. (With the exception of Queens)

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From Bill Littlejohn, who noted that famously hobbling Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast Kerri Strug was married this week, “Bela Karolyi didn’t carry her down the aisle, did he?”

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Popular governor Charlie Crist has left the Republican party and is running for Senate as an independent. Well, it’s 10 years late, but finally some amusing news for the Democratic party out of Florida.

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United and Continental announced they will merge. The goal, to manage to annoy more passengers than any other airline in the world.
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And we think Californians are too PC. Over in England, a British academic, Dr. Brett Mills, is now calling for an end to all wildlife documentaries, because they “capture animals’ most intimate secrets on camera without their consent” and fail to consider their “right to privacy.” No, I am not making this up.

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As of today, U.S. airlines can no longer keep you on the tarmac in a plane for more than three hours. They can, however, cancel the flight after 2 hours and 59 minutes and leave you stuck in the airport overnight.

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How bad is the oil spill getting off the Gulf Coast? Rumor has it Sarah Palin just washed “Drill Baby Drill” off her hand.

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Rielle Hunter said on the Oprah show that people “view her negatively” because they think she wrecked John and Elizabeth Edwards’ marriage. Not exactly, many people view her negatively because she just seems like a publicity-seeking skank.

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Crimes and misdemeanors…

April 17, 2010

A suburban Sacramento couple pleaded not guilty to child endangerment charges for allegedly leaving their baby in a car while they gambled at a casino. Bail was set at $50,000. The judge apparently turned down the couples’ request to make it “double or nothing.”

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President Obama got mixed reviews for his plans to revamp NASA. At least he didn’t promise to fix a real hopeless mess in Houston, like the Astros.

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Not so much a joke as a fact: When it comes to disrupting air travel, terrorists have nothing on Mother Nature.

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At this point, the volcanic ash cloud may have actually delayed and disrupted more people’s travel plans than JetBlue.

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And in related news, for the next several months Ryanair plans to charge passengers an “ash cleaning fee.”
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True volcano humor to make you laugh or cry. A client is booked tomorrow from Dallas via London to Entebbe, Uganda and of course we don’t know if the planes will fly. But she emailed saying she had heard that the small airport in Glasgow, Scotland was open so would I just change her to fly Dallas-Glasgow-Entebbe?

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The Ben Roethlisberger story just gets sleazier and sleazier. He could turn out to be a bigger embarrassment to the NFL than the Detroit Lions.

Although, okay, if I had to make a discussion on the facts as currently known, I would say Ben Roethlisberger is a scumbag at best. And a 28 year old man with his pick of women doesn’t need to be getting college students drunk. But while this BY NO MEANS excuses him, as a woman I have to think, you’re 20 years old…maybe it isn’t the smartest idea to be downing shots with some celebrity in a bar? Especially one with thug bodyguards.

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And yet, I have no doubt that still in Pittsburgh this fall, there will be women and girls who wear “Big Ben’s” jersey to games…

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Opening reception at the State Democratic Convention in Los Angeles. No speakers but a slideshow honoring Democrats running for state office this fall. Including Barabara Boxer. (No, that’s not a typo, that’s how it was spelled. Over and over.) Yes, I am not a member of any organized party, I’m a Democrat. Sigh.

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Carly Fiorina has been facing questions about a bribery scheme while she was CEO of Hewlett-Packard. In 2003, HP employees in Germany allegedly bribed Russians to win a $47 million contract.

A company spokesman, David Shane, was quoted in the Mercury News saying “To suggest that Carly Fiorina, or any other senior executive in Palo Alto then or now, was knowledgeable of these alleged activities is wrong and not supported by the facts.”

So since these bribes were allegedly significant, what did senior executives in Palo Alto (who presumably looked at expenses) think the money was being spent on? Booze and strip clubs?

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