Posted tagged ‘Bristol Palin jokes’

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Oh baby, baby

June 25, 2015

Bristol Palin has just announced that she’s pregnant. Again. Did she sign up for a bulk rate on that “born-again-virginity” deal?

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Good news for ‪#‎BristolPalin‬, as an unemployed single-mom-of-two, she’ll still be able to get insurance with ‪#‎Obamacare‬.

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#‎BristolPalin‬, on 2nd out-of-wedlock pregnancy -“trying to keep [my] chin up on this one.” Uh, keeping her chin up is not the problem. More like legs crossed.

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So the Confederate flag is coming down across the country, and the Supreme Court upheld Obamacare. Is this all just a conspiracy to give Rush Limbaugh a coronary?

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Judge Roberts, in his majority opinion upholding Obamacare did nonetheless chide that ACA is “inartful” and “does not reflect the type of care and deliberation that one might expect of such significant legislation.  As my friend Sarah B. said, that’s a more elegant way of saying what he really meant  –  “PROOF READ YOUR SH*T BEFORE YOU SEND IT TO VOTE FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!

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Senator Obama voted against the confirmation of Justice John Roberts. Just wondering, has the President issued a private apology?

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Chris Christie will announce Tuesday that he is running for President. How long until the Highway Patrol pulls the clown car off the road for being dangerously overweight?

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A Mountain View, California man who lives near Google has an Airbnb listing for a Coleman tent in his backyard. For $46 a night, or $899 a month.  And apparently he’s turning down business.  In related news, local R.E.I. stores are reporting a rush on tent sales.

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R.I.P. Patrick Macnee, 93. He will forever be known, as “”that guy who was on the Avengers with the fabulous Diana Rigg.”

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As if we needed more proof that Duke’ Coach K is one of the smartest college coaches ever. Krzyzewski told ESPN that he follows “a lot of people on Twitter. under an alias. I tell my guys, ‘I’m following you.’ Then if I see something, you text them, you gotta watch…”

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Down in Tallahassee, freshman QB De’Andre Johnson has been suspended indefinitely from the football team for allegedly punching a female FSU student at a bar Wed. night when she cut in front of him while ordering drinks. “Indefinitely” meaning Coach Fisher will wait to see how Johnson does in practice before deciding whether to give him another chance?

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San Antonio Spurs continue the tradition of picking players who most Americans have never heard of, with names they can’t spell, from places they can’t find on the a map. And he’ll probably be a star. ‪#‎NikolaMilutinov‬

(and follow the pick with a guy from Haiti.)

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From Bill Littlejohn  “Report—there are 40 quarterbacks in the NFL that will make more than Russell Wilson this year.Not only that, but 5 QB’s in the SEC, as well.”

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Not going to the chapel….

May 18, 2015

Sarah Palin just announced today that her daughter Bristol’s May 23 wedding to Dakota Meyer “will not be held.” Amazed she didn’t blame the break-up on all these gay marriages.

(Or maybe someone didn’t want to make a cake for an unwed mother?)

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Generalissmo Francisco Franco and the Clippers are still dead.

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Lindsey Graham says he will announce his 2016 Presidential plans on June 1. As soon as he finds an appropriate closet from which to make the announcement?

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The Miami Marlins fired their manager Mike Redmond and hired GM Dan Jennings for the job. Who last coached 30 years ago- and it was a high school team.. Makes some sense. The Marlins are a pretty sophomoric franchise.

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That biker bar shootout in Waco alas proved once again, that as much as we may fear outside terrorists, we Americans are pretty good at killing each other.

(and if we’re going to really profile people in Texas.   Almost all those 170 mugshots were… white men.)

 

 

 

Charlie Weis, who was fired from both Notre Dame and Kansas, is in line to make more than $24 million from both schools AFTER he was terminated. Hmm, well, if this football thing doesn’t work out maybe Weis would be a good fit as Carly Fiorina’s campaign manager?

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So I would take the defenders of religious freedom much more seriously if some of them would start defending the right of bakery owners not to make wedding cakes for ANY winners of ‪#‎TheBachelor‬ or ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬.

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Some people seem to have a problem with Ruth Bader Ginsburg exercising her beliefs by performing same sex marriages. Wonder where they were when Antonin Scalia spoke at Colorado Christian University and said the separation of church and state doesn’t mean “the government cannot favor religion over non-religion…”

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Justin Smith is the latest 49er to retire. Will the last SF star to leave Levi’s Stadium please turn out the lights?

 

Cincinnati RB Jeremy Hillatch on the Bengals’ need to get to the next round of the playoffs “It’s been four years in a row and if it doesn’t happen this year then it’s probably never going to happen.” Or maybe the team will have to change their name to the Cincinnati Cubs.

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A report says the Buffalo Bills may cut QB EJ Manuel if he doesn’t improve. So sounds like another potential rider on the Jets’ clown car.

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Spectacular. Mailed a small first class package from Los Altos, CA to Winter Park, FL last Monday. It got to San Francisco on Tuesday, left SF on Wednesday, and arrived into ANCHORAGE, AK on Sunday. It apparently left Anchorage today, bound for who knows where.

Who knew the U.S. Post Office was hiring former airline baggage handlers?

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Two more BASE jumpers were unfortunately killed after attempting an illegal jump last weekend at Yosemite. Now, I’m not and have never been an “extreme athlete” and not even sure what the acronym “BASE” stands for. But it seems reasonable that the “S’ is for “Stupid.”

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And in case you’re a regular reader and wondering, or you’ve stumbled on this blog with Google. Yep, Jerry Hough is my dad.  I learned to drive the “bus to hell” by myself. But now you probably know where I got the un-PC gene. 🙂

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All aboard.

June 20, 2012

Starting off on the bus to hell….

 

Jerry Sandusky’s wife testified in his defense today, saying boys regularly stayed over at their house and that her husband would regularly “go down and tell them goodnight.” Maybe she should have gotten a little suspicious when the bedtime reading he brought downstairs was “Caligula.”

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Another “Eww” moment for the morning: This line from Jerry Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas was not aired, but may be used in prosecutors’ closing arguments: “And I didn’t go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I’ve helped” “Every?”

 

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More  “you can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.”    Bristol Palin, complaining to a friend after moving to Los Angeles:   “I have a ton of cameras on me and a ton of paparazzi. This is not fair. This is not fun.” This sad quote also captured on camera, during the filming of Bristol’s new reality tv show.

 

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Optimistic SF Giants fans may be thinking now that Barry Zito has apparently returned to form, maybe Tim Lincecum will return to HIS form.

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Texas Rangers announcer Dave Barnett will undergo a medical evaluation after giving a rambling description of a baseball game that included a mention of a runner being on “fifth base.” And a lot of Texas football fans heard this and said “And his problem was?”

 

 

 

Even Chris Webber watching Russell Westbrook make that stupid foul at the end of game three had to be thinking “Learn how to count, bro.”

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Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. We are not sure about Hosni Mubarak.

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20-200 hindsight? John Boehner criticized Obama’s new immigration policy saying it will “make it much more difficult for us to work in a bipartisan way to get to a permanent solution.” on the Dream Act. But in April, Boehner said “We’re operating in a very hostile political environment. To deal with a very difficult issue like this, I think it would be difficult at best.”

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Alec Baldwin is facing allegations he punched a NY Daily News photographer yesterday morning. Well, and who saw that one coming? Next we’ll hear that Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident.

 

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Ohio State star Jared Sullinger apparently has been medically flagged by NBA doctors who worry about issues with his back. Wow. This is the kind of thing that normally would have come out only after he was drafted by the Golden State Warriors. –

 

A nude model who was arrested for posing in body-paint in Time Square is now suing the city claiming her civil rights were violated.  This might be the first case in recorded history where men fight to get into jury duty.

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Congrats to Ann Romney for having a horse going to the Olympics to compete in dressage. But can you image the outcry from the GOP if the Obamas had a daughter competing in “elite” equestrian events?

 

It’s happened again – A woman was kicked off Southwest Airlines for showing too much cleavage. She ended up with an apology from the airline, and a lot of messages from men who wanted to know the number and date of her next flight.

(And back on the bus to hell note, Augie adds – “I always like to sit next to women with an abundance of cleavage for safety reasons. .. in case of an emergency water landing.”

 

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Authenticity.

June 14, 2012

London’s Olympic Opening Ceremony is so about giving visitors an authentic English experience that it will feature artificial clouds that can actually make rain. Wonder if volunteers will also sport blacked out teeth.

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I know it’s “innocent until proven guilty.” But this Sandusky case definitely makes me want to make a “Mercy rule” exception – as in “We’ve heard enough and the victims don’t have to keep talking about it.”.) –

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The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency is now bringing doping charges against Lance Armstrong, threatening to strip his Tour de France victories. Well, guess they’ve got to do something now that the Roger Clemens trial is almost over.

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Madonna is still dealing with controversy after she  exposed a nipple during an Istanbul concert. In the “Material Girl’s” defense, she had asked for the cameras and lights only to be trained on her from the waist up.

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Federal prosecutors have decided not to retry John Edwards after his first trial ended in a hung jury. This will save taxpayer $$$, and besides, prosecutors figure that John’s having to deal with “baby mama” Rielle Hunter for the rest of his life is punishment enough.

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A London hotel advertisement talks about “London’s sporting spectacular” this summer. “Sporting spectacular?” Sounds like the Olympics keep the same tight legal control of their name as the Super Bowl. (In the U.S., most ads have to talk about the “Big Game” or something.)

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Get out the violins. Boxer Floyd Mayweather already had his 3 month sentence for domestic violence postponed so he could fight on May 5. Now his lawyer wants the sentence changed to house arrest, because Floyd’s “boxing career is in jeopardy… Along with being subjected to the poor prison food, he is getting out of shape.”

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Kobe and Vanessa Bryant’s divorce has been put on hold. Wonder how many million reasons Kobe gave her to stay together? –

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Bristol Palin’s latest realty show, “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp,” debuts next week. And Bristol says it will show America she’s just “grounded, normal mom.” Of course, don’t most normal teen moms do a series of television shows?

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Wonder before tonight what would have been the longer odds in Las Vegas. On Matt Cain throwing a perfect game, or on the SF Giants scoring 10 runs?

(In all seriousness,  before Tuesday night,  SF Giants had hit seven home runs at home in 2012. They hit five in the last two days.)

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Are we ready for some football? Jokes anyway.

June 29, 2011

Ben Roethlisberger may need an operation to repair his broken foot. Let me guess, if Big Ben checks into a deluxe hotel before the surgery, his fiancee has already vetoed his ordering room service.

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Terrell Owens’ agent says that despite his client’s surgergy, T.O. is not retiring. Not sure how NFL teams looking for a receiver feel about this, but comedy writers across the country are breathing a big sigh of relief.

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Rep. Michele Bachmann’s former chief of staff has declined to work for the campaign and instead endorsed Tim Pawlenty. Bachmann wants to be the next President, she’s more likely to be the next Gingrich.

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Although despite all of Gingrich’s staffer’s quitting, Newt says he is still in the race.  The number of candidates in the GOP field keeps growing and growing. At what point can we start sending one of them home each week without a rose?

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My current dream – Can we get Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin together on the Tonight Show? Preferably the “Jaywalking” segment.

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Malaysia Airlines, responding to complaints from passengers who don’t like to listen to crying in first class, has now banned babies from the first class cabin on their Boeing 747-400 jets, and plans to expand the ban to other planes. One question – are they talking only about chronological babies?

 

 

In an interview on Fox News Tuesday night, Bristol Palin declined to comment about her mother’s possible run for the presidency, saying “What happens at our kitchen table stays at our kitchen table.” Well, at least until we decide to write a book about it.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to file a motion to seize the Los Angeles Dodgers. Amazing how fast Bud Selig can moves when he wants to. Meanwhile, his three-man “Blue Ribbon Committee” studying the Oakland A’s possible move to San Jose hasn’t come up with a decision after over two years….

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Pope Benedict XVI used an iPad to send out his first-ever tweet this morning. So how come the Vatican is so open to adopting technology, and so rigidly against adopting ideas like a (officially) non-celibate clergy?

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Final score from Tuesday in the first game of a doubleheader.  San Francisco 13, Chicago 7.  Did the Giants miss an extra point or something?

 

Here we go again. This time it’s Georgia’s athletic department that has contacted the NCAA and the SEC regarding possible eligibility problems – with football player Jarvis Jones and incoming basketball player Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. At this point it’s enough to make sports fans long for the comparative innnocence and purity of bicycle racing.

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From Jim Barach:   Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton is blaming his poor daytime batting average on having blue eyes. He doesn’t understand that before 1947, the number one reason most major leaguers were in the big leagues was having blue eyes.

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Dumb and dumber – yet again

September 4, 2010

The NCAA in action: Jeremiah Masoli won his waiver appeal and will be able to play for Ole Miss this year, after he enrolled in the school’s Parks and Recreation graduate program. The former Oregon QB convinced them that he was a student-athlete “who transferred for academic reasons to pursue graduate studies, not to avoid disciplinary measures.”

(The NCAA’s excuse for the waiver, “Massoli was only kicked off the team for his brushes with the law, not expelled from the University) And we wonder how NFL players get the idea that rules don’t apply to them.”)

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Of course, the whole Masoli story just lends credence to a theory that many people have long suspected – the NCAA is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the SEC.

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BCS champions Ohio State opened their season with a 45-7 rout of Marshall. Guess Vassar wasn’t available?

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Apparently one sign that Arizona police are using to locate potential illegal immigrants is a poor command of the English language. Governor Brewer had now better not go out without her identification.

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Sarah Palin is slamming “impotent, limp and gutless” reporters after a Vanity Fair article claimed she had a “mean temper.”

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Meanwhile, Bristol Palin appeared on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday night to talk about her decision to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” And this is the young woman who broke up with Levi Johnston for the second time because he was “just obsessed with the limelight.”

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In Colorado gubernatorial Dan Maes has said that a Denver bike-sharing program is a “well-designed plot” that is converting Denver into a United Nations community.” He added “This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms.”

Leaving aside a number of things, like logic, does anyone actually believe the UN is capable of a well-designed plot?

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Kat Von D is now dating Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James, and says she believes he is “the one.” Stay tuned for the next installment of “Tattoed women, foolish choices.”

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The Nationals’ Nyjer Morgan has ended up with an eight-game suspension following three aggressive incidents, which culminated in him charging the mound and inciting a brawl between Washington and the Florida Marlins. On the bright side, Morgan’s been offered a tryout on defense with the Washington Redskins.

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Carly Fiorina has finally announced she has decided to support Prop 23, which suspends California’s global-warming initiative. (She’s only been running for Senate since last November.) If it takes her 10 months to decide on one proposition, how long will it take her to decide how to vote if she is elected to the Senate?

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from my funny friend Jim Barach: “President Obama said in his address to the nation on Tuesday night that U.S. has ended its combat role in Iraq and it’s now time to “turn the page.”

So now he has done two things President Bush never accomplished. Ending a war and turning a page.

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The impossible dream?

July 17, 2010

Okay, tonight there is hope for anyone who has ever dreamed an impossible dream: Bengie Molina hit for the cycle.

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To put this in perspective, how likely was it that the slowest man in baseball would hit a single, double, home run and most shocking, triple in the same game? About as likely as Al Gore being accused of sexual harrassment.

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There are now rumors that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping a reality show based on their upcoming marriage. This might be the first time that Bristol, Levi, and reality have all been used in the same sentence.

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Apparently, however, Bristol and Levi really believe their potential show will be unique, focusing on how difficult it is to have any privacy when a member of your family runs for national office.

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Sarah is apparently pretty upset though. Exploiting the Palin family for money is HER job.

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Aaron Sorkin apparently is going to make a movie about the rise and fall of John Edwards. No word on the title yet, since “Despicable Me” was already taken.

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Another title that’s already been used? “Hair.”

And of course “So You Think You Can Dance… Around the Truth”

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Senator John McCain apparently did pretty well in his first debate Friday night against his Republican challenger J.D. Hayworth. Of course, McCain is an experienced veteran with debates, going back to his childhood when he attended the one between Lincoln and Douglas.

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How bad were the wind gusts Friday at the British Open? They were thinking of paving the 18th fairway with yellow bricks.

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Dwayne Wade defended his friend LeBron James today saying that James “didn’t quit” on Cleveland during the playoffs. “He prefers to think of it as saving his energy for Miami.”

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Okay, will someone explain to me how the NBA owners and Commissioner David Stern can claim that the league is losing so much money that they may have to have a player lockout next year. And yet the Golden State Warriors, one of the worst teams in the league, just sold for $450 million.

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Steve Jobs claimed in a new conference that the problems with the iPhone 4G are “overhyped.” Really, Steve…Does anyone at Apple really want to complain about “overhype?”

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And okay, we all know that as far as sports it’s New York’s country, we just live in it, but get these “Top Stories” from SI.com.

“Stephen Strasburg smothers Marlins.” (Okay, he threw six shutout innings, allowing only four hits, in a 4-0 win and the bullpen held Florida scoreless for the last three innings.)
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“Mets blanked again.” (In this game Barry Zito threw EIGHT shutout innings, with two hits, in a 1-0 game.)

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The Beer Pitcher?

In many minor league baseball stadiums, there is a “beer batter.” One player on the visiting team is designated the “beer batcher,” and every time he strikes out, beer is discounted for the next inning.

After watching Brian Wilson of the SF Giants get another of his nail-biter saves, one run lead, gave up a single with two out, then a 3 to 1 count on the next batter before striking him out, maybe we should designate him the “Beer Pitcher.” While he usually comes in after beer sales have closed, how about letting fans save their ticket stubs from games he pitches in, for one discount beer at a future game? It would be well earned.

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What did he not know and when did he not know it?

July 15, 2010

Pete Carroll said on an HBO interview with Bryant Gumbel that possible sanctions against the Trojans weren’t “even a factor” in his decision to leave USC, and that “It never even dawned on me that that was even an issue.”

Okay, if he’s not lying, then he’s too stupid to be an NFL head coach.

(Either than or it sounds like Carroll paid as much attention to the off-field antics of his team, as the team themselves paid to their off-field studies.)

Actually, Pete Carroll going to the Seahawks may be a good fit, since over the years they’ve shown they don’t have a problem paying for amateur talent.

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Meanwhile, back in the NCAA, Vanderbilt’s football coach Bobby Johnson suddenly retired, saying “Football..consumes your life, you only have so many years to live, and you want to see a different way.” At the University of Michigan, thousands of fans apparently agreed with him, because they sent the story to Rich Rodriguez.
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George Steinbrenner’s funeral will be private, although in “the Boss’s” honor his family is trying to negotiate a deal to have it shown pay-for-view deal on YES, the Yankees Entertainment and Sports network.

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Dick Cheney is apparently recovering well from another heart surgery. The former V.P. may actually be setting a record for the most successful heart surgeries, especially for someone who was born without one.

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Oracle CEO Larry Ellison may buy the Golden State Warriors. Guess he got tired of hearing that buying Sun Microsystems was the worst purchase he ever made.
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KFC, home of the famous “Double Down” sandwich, made from two pieces of fried chicken, announced that second-quarter revenue fell 7 percent. Well, duh, some of their best customers are dying off.

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The uproar over Lebron James leaving hasn’t died down yet. Said reader Gary Morton “Cleveland sports fans haven’t been this hot since the Cuyahoga River caught on fire.”

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Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged, again. Does this mean she’s pregnant, again?

Sometimes even in a written statement you can tell someone is biting their lip hard enough to draw blood. Thus below, Sarah Palin’s statement on her daughter’s second engagement to the same boy, erm man. Johnston:

“Bristol, at 19, is now a young adult. As parents we obviously want what is best for our children, but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son. We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi’s relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life.”

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Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston say they are serious about this engagement, although because of a vow Bristol made they are now practicing abstinence. Wow, sounds like they’re already married.

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$30,000 a speech?

May 18, 2010

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Bristol Palin apparently now will join her mother by starting a career in public speaking. Her fee will apparently be between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance. So yeah, up to $30,000 for less than an hour’s speech. Yeah, that ought to convince other teenagers that being an unwed mother can derail your life…

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Wonder if Bristol will write her speech down on her palm or a diaper?

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Lakers coach Phil Jackson made some controversial comments indicating that he supports Arizona’s new immigration law. Maybe he was just trying to psych out Steve Nash by getting him worried about being sent back to Canada.

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Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez was benched by his manager for not hustling after a ball during Monday night’s game. Did Ramirez forget his first name wasn’t Manny?

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The San Francisco Giants lost their seventh in a row against the Padres, this time 3-1, although the string has included two 1-0 losses, and the Giants have scored a total of nine runs in those seven games. Once again, a case could be made for firing the team hitting coach, but it would probably be tossed out for insufficient evidence.

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New slogan suggestions? –

“SF Giants baseball – if you’ve ever wanted to watch nine pitchers bat in a row.”

“Giants baseball – the best hits in our park are played over the public address speakers,”

“Giants baseball – the best Triple A lineup in the country.”

“Giants baseball – the only PED our starting pitchers need is Prozac.”

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A former Food Network chef was arrested for an alleged “murder for hire” scheme. Shocking. What kind of a chef are you if you can’t figure out how to poison someone yourself?

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USC apparently is paying their new football coach Lane Kiffin $4 million a year. Wow, that’s almost as much as they pay the team.

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A proposed solution to the California budget crisis and the growing phenomenon of trying to buy elections: Tax election advertising spending at a rate of 50%. If some money ends up going to education and staves off critical budget cuts maybe these endless television ads might seem a little more palatable.

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commie pinko time again:

Jerry Brown is now referring to gubernatorial rivals Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner as “the apostles of darkness and ignorance.” Dick Cheney and George W. Bush angrily responded, “Hey wait a minute, we patented those titles.”

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In his endorsement of her for Governor of California, Dick Cheney said ” I believe Meg Whitman can do for California what Ronald Reagan did for America.” Yeah, that’s what some of us are afraid of.

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