Posted tagged ‘jerry sandusky trial jokes’

All aboard.

June 20, 2012

Starting off on the bus to hell….

 

Jerry Sandusky’s wife testified in his defense today, saying boys regularly stayed over at their house and that her husband would regularly “go down and tell them goodnight.” Maybe she should have gotten a little suspicious when the bedtime reading he brought downstairs was “Caligula.”

 

Another “Eww” moment for the morning: This line from Jerry Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas was not aired, but may be used in prosecutors’ closing arguments: “And I didn’t go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I’ve helped” “Every?”

 

 

More  “you can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.”    Bristol Palin, complaining to a friend after moving to Los Angeles:   “I have a ton of cameras on me and a ton of paparazzi. This is not fair. This is not fun.” This sad quote also captured on camera, during the filming of Bristol’s new reality tv show.

 

Optimistic SF Giants fans may be thinking now that Barry Zito has apparently returned to form, maybe Tim Lincecum will return to HIS form.

 

Texas Rangers announcer Dave Barnett will undergo a medical evaluation after giving a rambling description of a baseball game that included a mention of a runner being on “fifth base.” And a lot of Texas football fans heard this and said “And his problem was?”

 

 

 

Even Chris Webber watching Russell Westbrook make that stupid foul at the end of game three had to be thinking “Learn how to count, bro.”

 

Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. We are not sure about Hosni Mubarak.

20-200 hindsight? John Boehner criticized Obama’s new immigration policy saying it will “make it much more difficult for us to work in a bipartisan way to get to a permanent solution.” on the Dream Act. But in April, Boehner said “We’re operating in a very hostile political environment. To deal with a very difficult issue like this, I think it would be difficult at best.”

Alec Baldwin is facing allegations he punched a NY Daily News photographer yesterday morning. Well, and who saw that one coming? Next we’ll hear that Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident.

 

 

Ohio State star Jared Sullinger apparently has been medically flagged by NBA doctors who worry about issues with his back. Wow. This is the kind of thing that normally would have come out only after he was drafted by the Golden State Warriors. –

 

A nude model who was arrested for posing in body-paint in Time Square is now suing the city claiming her civil rights were violated.  This might be the first case in recorded history where men fight to get into jury duty.

Congrats to Ann Romney for having a horse going to the Olympics to compete in dressage. But can you image the outcry from the GOP if the Obamas had a daughter competing in “elite” equestrian events?

 

It’s happened again – A woman was kicked off Southwest Airlines for showing too much cleavage. She ended up with an apology from the airline, and a lot of messages from men who wanted to know the number and date of her next flight.

(And back on the bus to hell note, Augie adds – “I always like to sit next to women with an abundance of cleavage for safety reasons. .. in case of an emergency water landing.”

 

Long live the Kings.

June 12, 2012

Long  suffering Los Angeles Kings fans have waited 45 years for a championship. “Wimps!” can be heard all the way from the North Side of Chicago.  (or for Canadian readers, from the shores of Lake Ontario.)

Curiously enough,  Toronto last won the Stanley Cup in 1967,  the year before the Kings joined the NHL.  So Maple Leafs fans can blame in all on the expansion to the West Coast.   And Cubs fans are going,  well that gets us off the hook from 1958 at least.

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Kings, winners of the Stanley Cup. In sympathy for the New Jersey Devils, they’re rioting in Vancouver.

The Kings won tonight because  they scored 3 goals during a five minute power play after a major penalty for boarding. “That’s awesome” said bandwagon Los Angeles fans. “But what’s a power play and what’s boarding?”

Now it’s time for the Oklahoma City Thunder to make sure that in 2012 year the hockey players are the last Kings with a ring.

Three people were hospitalized with “minor complaints” and a Los Angeles high school was evacuated after a teacher apparently mistook sulfuric acid for nitric acid in a chemistry experiment. “See?! More trouble from that liberal immoral ‘science’ stuff” – commented Rick Santorum.

Ah juries, An Atlanta police officer was having sex with another man and woman (not his wife) when he had a heart attack and died. According to WXIA-TV a jury has awarded the cop’s widow $3 million, saying his doctor should have warned him against strenuous activity…. (Not a joke.) –

One of those “not going to touch this” lines: Jersey Shore’s Snooki said today she likes the idea of breast feeding her baby but she doesn’t like the idea of pumping milk because “it’s kind of like you’re a cow….”

(said my friend  Jim McCain “udder nonsense.”)

Andriy Shevchenko, 35, led Ukraine to a 2-1 win over Sweden, and became the oldest player ever to score 2 goals in a game during the Euro Cup. Wonder if Andriy Sheychenko is Ukrainian for “Jamie Moyer?”

The defense in the Jerry Sandusky is planning to claim the former coach has “Histrionic Personality Disorder.” Guess that sounds better than saying he’s a sleazy douchebag.

The little girl is fine, but recently British Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife actually left their 8 year old daughter behind at a country pub near their home. (He thought she was with her mom, his wife thought the child was with her dad.) I blame Obama.

Police in Georgia are looking for the thief who stole about 400,000 toothpicks from a local factory. At this point the only thing they know about the suspect is that he/she almost certainly wasn’t English.

(Alex Kaseberg “That is one toothpick for every tooth in Georgia.”)