Posted tagged ‘NBA draft jokes’

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Oh baby, baby

June 25, 2015

Bristol Palin has just announced that she’s pregnant. Again. Did she sign up for a bulk rate on that “born-again-virginity” deal?

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Good news for ‪#‎BristolPalin‬, as an unemployed single-mom-of-two, she’ll still be able to get insurance with ‪#‎Obamacare‬.

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#‎BristolPalin‬, on 2nd out-of-wedlock pregnancy -“trying to keep [my] chin up on this one.” Uh, keeping her chin up is not the problem. More like legs crossed.

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So the Confederate flag is coming down across the country, and the Supreme Court upheld Obamacare. Is this all just a conspiracy to give Rush Limbaugh a coronary?

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Judge Roberts, in his majority opinion upholding Obamacare did nonetheless chide that ACA is “inartful” and “does not reflect the type of care and deliberation that one might expect of such significant legislation.  As my friend Sarah B. said, that’s a more elegant way of saying what he really meant  –  “PROOF READ YOUR SH*T BEFORE YOU SEND IT TO VOTE FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!

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Senator Obama voted against the confirmation of Justice John Roberts. Just wondering, has the President issued a private apology?

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Chris Christie will announce Tuesday that he is running for President. How long until the Highway Patrol pulls the clown car off the road for being dangerously overweight?

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A Mountain View, California man who lives near Google has an Airbnb listing for a Coleman tent in his backyard. For $46 a night, or $899 a month.  And apparently he’s turning down business.  In related news, local R.E.I. stores are reporting a rush on tent sales.

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R.I.P. Patrick Macnee, 93. He will forever be known, as “”that guy who was on the Avengers with the fabulous Diana Rigg.”

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As if we needed more proof that Duke’ Coach K is one of the smartest college coaches ever. Krzyzewski told ESPN that he follows “a lot of people on Twitter. under an alias. I tell my guys, ‘I’m following you.’ Then if I see something, you text them, you gotta watch…”

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Down in Tallahassee, freshman QB De’Andre Johnson has been suspended indefinitely from the football team for allegedly punching a female FSU student at a bar Wed. night when she cut in front of him while ordering drinks. “Indefinitely” meaning Coach Fisher will wait to see how Johnson does in practice before deciding whether to give him another chance?

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San Antonio Spurs continue the tradition of picking players who most Americans have never heard of, with names they can’t spell, from places they can’t find on the a map. And he’ll probably be a star. ‪#‎NikolaMilutinov‬

(and follow the pick with a guy from Haiti.)

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From Bill Littlejohn  “Report—there are 40 quarterbacks in the NFL that will make more than Russell Wilson this year.Not only that, but 5 QB’s in the SEC, as well.”

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Ruled out?

May 20, 2015

The NFL is apparently about to change the Point After Touchdown (PAT) rule. Oakland Raiders fans are asking “The what?”

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Former Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson is transferring to Florida State and will play for the Seminoles next year. Well, at least he won’t have to worry anymore about being suspended for “poor academic judgment.”

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ESPN is reporting that the NFL and New England Patriots are having “back-channel conversations” to see if they can settle Deflategate differences without an appeal or litigation. Translation, so Brady can play against the Cowboys in week 4, and Kraft and Goodell can still have dinner together….

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Patriots owner Bob Kraft said the team will not appeal the NFL fine and loss of draft picks over Deflategate. Meaning there’s probably a deal to reduce Brady’s suspension. And what’s $1 million anyway. The Pats can always raise beer prices.

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To boost sales, KFC is bringing back Colonel Sanders, and coming out with a fancier restaurant design. What’s next, actually spending money to improve the quality of their food?

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The minor league baseball Fresno Grizzlies have joined the creative ballpark food bandwagon with “Frankenslice” – a pizza with hot dogs wrapped in the crust. Does it come with a discount coupon for an EKG?

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UPS will reportedly pay $25 million in claims for falsifying “on-time” claims for ten years. And the airlines are thinking “You can do that?”

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Walmart’s income $1.03 a share in the first quarter, when analysts had expected $1.05 a share. And the company blamed it partly on higher raising worker wages to at least $9 a hour. The company ended up only making $3.1 billion. Wonder if Walmart sells violins so we can get them out and play them….

 

A Rasmussen poll says 46% of voters want George Stephanopoulos banned after t came out that he donated $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. Okay, maybe not a smart move but did any one actually think the former Clinton staffer was unbiased before? (Maybe about as many as actually believe “Fair and balanced.”)

 

Bryce Harper has 10 home runs in the last 12 games. Even Barry Bonds is thinking “Who’d be idiotic enough to throw him a strike?”

 

So after the Waco biker shootings, Texas is moving ahead with an “Open Carry” bill that will LOOSEN handgun laws, with leglislators saying things like the law had nothing to do with the shooting and it’s not as if the current law stopped them. ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblyhavebeenworse‬? ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬

 

#‎Knicks‬ fall to #4 in the ‪#‎NBADraft‬. Karmic punishment for being stupid enough to beat the ‪#‎Hawks‬ and ‪#‎Spurs‬ down the stretch.

 

 

Of course, it’s all relative. The worst-in-the-league ‪#‎Timberwolves‬ got the 1st pick in the ‪#‎NBADraft‬ but already had Rookie of the Year Andrew Wiggins. Meanwhile the last time the ‪#‎Spurs‬ had a lottery pick they took a young man named ‪#‎TimDuncan‬. ‪#‎alonglongtimeago‬

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Cold comfort?

May 20, 2014

The NFL has awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to… Minneapolis. For all those who thought spending the first week in February in New York wasn’t cold enough.

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Jon Bon Jovi is apparently part of a group that wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, if any franchise knows about “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

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California golfer Lucy Li, 11, has qualified for the U.S. Women’s Open. Quite an achievement. It gives all those Chinese women gymnasts a goal to shoot for when they grow up.

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Swiss bank Credit Suisse has pleaded guilty to running “an illegal cross-border banking business” to help thousands of Americans conceal their income from the IRS. The bank will pay a $2.6 billion fine, but will not have to provide names of their U.S. clients who they helped cheat on taxes. So wonder how many of those clients will be subsidizing the “settlement” with a silence fee?

 

Halle Berry on “Ellen” today talking about getting pregnant at 47, which is considered a “geriatric pregnancy.” If Berry thinks it was a “geriatric” pregnancy, wait until she gets to applying for Medicare at the same time her son is applying to college.

 

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Judge just declared PA’s #gaymarriage ban unconstitutional. Will last state to keep gay marriage banned please keep the lights turned off?

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Cleveland has the top NBA lottery pick for the second straight years. Who says the Cavaliers will never win anything?

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As far as Cleveland getting the top pick in 2015?  Probably at least as good a chance as a Miami Heat “three-peat”

 

NBA playoffs are down to San Antonio, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City and Miami. Three team from cities most Americans can’t find on a map and one they can’t stand.

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A 19 year old Texas man in facing five years to life in prison for allegedly baking and selling pot brownies made with hash oil. If he’d only shot and killed someone he’d be facing 10 years max.

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At Allen High School, near Dallas, they will have to close their new $60 million new football stadium this fall due to cracking concrete. This is the biggest disappointment in North Texas since the Cowboys.

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On a brighter note, the stadium is a $48 million cheaper disappointment than Tony Romo.

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The NY Racing Stewards have approved California Chrome to race with a nasal strip. If he wins will Roger Goodell add nasal strips to the NFL’s list of banned performance enhancers?

 

Congrats to Meryl Davis, who with her partner won Dancing with the Stars tonight. With that kind of dancing talent maybe she could do something big on an international stage…. .Oops, never mind.

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Who does it hurt?

June 27, 2013

When they say the gay marriage ruling doesn’t hurt ANYONE in a straight relationship suppose this is not strictly speaking true. Think of those guys who have said “Of course I’d marry you, honey, but we have to show solidarity with our LGBT friends…”

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AMA is going to have a knitting-themed river cruise next December, featuring a man named Barry Klein, considered “one of the top 10 most influential men in the world of knitting.” Wow. There ARE 10 men in the world of knitting?

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So at Wimbledon, Nadal is out, Federer is out, and Sharapova is out. Television executives must feel like they do about major golf tournaments when Tiger misses the cut.

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Understated opening line of the week from Wikipedia “Aaron Michael Hernandez (born November 6, 1989) is an American football tight end who is currently a free agent. He most recently played for the New England Patriots.”

 

Matt Krook, the Miami Marlins’ 1st round pick, will instead attend the University of Oregon. Maybe Krook wants to play in front of bigger crowds?

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Now the police may charge Aaron Hernandez with more murders. Scary. While the NFL is limiting purses and backpacks after the Boston bombings, it might be that the guys on the field are more dangerous than the terrorists.

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From Marc Ragovin:  ” Cleveland Browns rookie Ausar Walcott has been charged with attempted murder and has been cut by the team. I think I know where he’s gonna end up next. The Patriots’ practice squad.”

 

What if they had an #NBA draft and nobody cared? #Whoaretheseguys

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Former Warriors and Wizards star Gilbert Arenas was arrested in Los Angeles after officers stopped him for speeding, and allegedly found 20 boxes of illegal fireworks. And NBA officials are just relieved he didn’t shoot somebody.

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Wow. Now Rick Perry is going after Wendy Davis by saying he is glad her single mother didn’t choose an abortion: “What if her mom had said, “I just can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. At that particular point in time I think it becomes very personal.” Yes, Governor, these choices are always VERY personal. Would call him a douchebag but that is an insult to douchebags.

 

35 NFL players arrested so far this year . How long until NFL playbooks start including Miranda rights?

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Prosecutors may allege Aaron Hernandez killed a man who knew too much about two other men the former Patriots TE may have killed next year. Does this mean it wouldn’t have been long until he shot his alleged accomplices for knowing too much about the latest murder?

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Tweet from Chick-Fil A President on DOMA decision “Sad day for our nation; founding fathers would be ashamed of our gen. to abandon wisdom of the ages re: cornerstone of strong societies.” Right, founding fathers like Jefferson with Sally Hemmings and Franklin who had common-law wife raise his illegitimate son by another woman..

 

Not a bad day for #NFL, okay, so #NBAdraft got headlines, but no additional players arrested.

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