Posted tagged ‘John Edwards jokes’

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When you’re a Met.

June 2, 2012

Watched the replays from Johan Santana’s first ever “No-hitter” for the New York Mets. Guess this puts the Mets forever on the list of teams against fair or foul instant replay.

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Passenger on a Taiwan to Los Angeles flight last weekend were surprised to see a songbird flying down the aisle.. A flight attendant caught the bird and turned it over to Customs on arrival.. No word on what flight the bird was on, but we know it’s not an U.S.carrier – they would have charged passengers an extra music fee.

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Matt Kemp’s back on the DL, along with Troy Tulowitzki, Jered Weaver, Roy Halladay, Pablo Sandoval, etc. etc. Will this year’s MLB All Star Game be sponsored by Blue Shield?

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Just once could ESPN humor those of us sports fans who are Tigered-out and actually run a headline about who is LEADING a golf tournament, not how Woods is doing on a given day?

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My friend George was surprised to see President Obama in an Oakland library, but then realized it was a life-size cardboard cutout. Coincidentally he next ran into a life-size cardboard cutout of Romney, but then realized it was the real Mitt.

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This weekend England is celebrating their Queen’s Diamond jubilee. Wow. Who knew Elton John had been recording for 60 years?

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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Thursday New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large-sized sugary drinks. Friday he signed a proclamation marking the 75th annual National Donut Day.

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John Edwards’ baby mama Rielle Hunter has announced she has written a  soon to be released book about their love affair, titled “What really happened: John Edwards,  our daughter and me.”   Well, there is some justice after all. Looks like with their daughter Quinn,  John has been sentenced to have to deal with Rielle for the rest of his life.

 

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Well, United Airlines is finally doing something to cut the total number of  delays at Houston-Intercontinental Airport by 5 %.  They anounced they are  cutting their total number of flights by 10%

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The SEC says they want a four “best” team playoff for the college football championship. Presumably as long as the conference can have two of the four teams.

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A 32 year old, who was just named “Teacher of the Year”, at his Texas middle school has been arrested and charged with sexting with a 15-year-old girl student. Once again implying, it may not be safe to allow heterosexual teachers in the classroom.

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The Toyota Prius became the world’s third-best-selling car in the first quarter of 2012. Only third? Then how come there’s always one in front of you when you’re in a hurry on the freeway?

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Yet more “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.” A Northern California woman used a stolen credit card at a Safeway. But she used her OWN Safeway Club card to get discounts. “Thank you very much,” said the police who then arrested her at her home.

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To mispell or misspell, that is the question.

June 1, 2012

Watching the Scripps  National Spelling Bee – at this point a Caucasian is as likely to win the tournament as one is to win the NBA MVP title.

Heck, most Caucasians can’t even spell the winner’s name: Snigdha Nandipati

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As a friend says, sometimes the saving grace of humanity is that crooks are stupid: A Santa Maria man was arrested and charged with attempting to sell methamphetamines after he accidentally sent a text about selling the drugs to a wrong number, which turned out to be that of  a local police officer.

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The FDA rejected the Corn Refiners Association’s bid to have “High fructose corn syrup” renamed “corn sugar.” Presumably they would have accepted a more honest alternative “butt enlarger.”

 

 

Not a great week for Mark Zuckerberg. Now the news is out that he and his wife were at lunch on their honeymoon in Rome and didn’t leave a tip. The best tip, of course, would have been “Don’t buy Facebook stock.”

 

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The Justice Dept ordered Florida to halt their attempted purge of suspected non-citizens from the voting rolls, on the same day a Federal court struck down the state’s new election law which tightly restricts voter registration groups. Here’s a simpler idea to guarantee a fair election in November: Declare Florida the only Southern State to have won the civil war, and thus officially seceded.  –

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Mitt Romney made a surprise campaign appearance today in front of the former headquarters of Solyndra. Here we go…. Wonder how long it will take the Obama campaign to stop in front of the former headquarters of Enron or Lehmann Brothers.

 

 

And while Mitt Romney is attacking Solyndra, if he wants to go after recent debacles with taxpayer money, wonder why he’s saying nothing about 38 Studios?  They were a video game company that received $75 million in loan guarantees in 2010 from the tiny state of Rhode Island, and just laid off all their employees. I’m sure it’s not just because the company founder was Red Sox ace and ardent GOP support Curt Schilling….

 

Some conspiracy theorists are wondering if the NBA somehow rigged the lottery so that the league-owned New Orleans Hornets got the first draft pick. Really? As if the NBA is competent enough to rig a lottery….

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Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin:  “Researchers with an aviation historical society have found a cosmetics jar that they believe may be linked to Amelia Earhart. Of course. Its vanishing cream.”

 

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As bad as the U.S. political scene is now, it could be worse. Just imagine if we were dealing with the impeachment trial of President John Edwards.

 

 

 

John Edwards may have been found not guilty of one charge today, and had a mistrial declared on the other five. On the other hand, he was still sentenced to a lifetime of being a punchline.

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And after the trial, John Edwards did admit he had done a I did an awful, awful lot that was wrong. If I want to find the person responsible for my sins it is me and me alone.”  But he then added, after saying he was so proud of his oldest daughter Cate for being with him throughout all this process, a statement about  “my precious Quinn who I love more than any of you could ever imagine, who I am so close to and so grateful for.”

Quinn is 4, and I feel sorry for the little girl. But John, really?  She wasn’t watching today,  (well, I hope Rielle didn’t have her watching), so you think he could have waited on that comment?   There really are two Americas, the real one, and the fantasy world John Edwards inhabits.

 

 

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Can’t stand the Heat?

May 17, 2012

Thought about the GOP going after President Obama’s connection with Jeremiah Wright: Is it really a good idea for to make religion an issue when your candidate’s great grandfather had five wives?

(Personally,  if someone was a genuine witch (or warlock) and could fix the economy, support education, and protect my rights, I’d be okay with that. :-))

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Only silver lining if the Heat look as bad in the next few games as they have against the Pacers so far: Lebron James won’t have to deal with the fourth quarter choking taunts in the finals.

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Truest words Mitt Romney ever spoke? In response to being asked about comments he made earlier this year about Obama and Jeremiah Wright, Mitt said “I stand by what I said, whatever it was.”

 

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American Idol finalists  announced tonight.    But all the last three probably got more votes than either Romney or Obama will get in November.

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An autopsy report apparently showed evidence of marijuana in Trayvon Martin’s system after he was shot. Uh, okay, wouldn’t that make him LESS likely to be aggressive and violent? (And it’s not like Zimmerman tried something like taking his Doritos.)

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So are the DJ’s playing “Last Dance” in heaven tonight? One of the best dance songs ever, for those of us youngsters of a certain age. R.I.P. Donna Summer.

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Is it too soon to retitle them the Miami “Not so Hot?”

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Final arguments today in the John Edwards trial. Will be interesting….leaving the legal issues aside, can you convict someone for being a douche bag?

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For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than non-Hispanic caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

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For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than Caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

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The NCAA is looking at overhauling rules to provide “stronger, more predictable penalties” for violations, including possible fines for a university up to five percent of its annual athletic budget. Is this known internally as the SEC tax?

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SF Giants beat St. Louis Cardinals today 7-5. More amazing than the seven runs? The fact that the three errors today were all in the Cardinals column.

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Carolina Blues.

May 9, 2012

North Carolina voters passed a amendment to the state constitution defining marriage as strictly between a man and a woman. Really? Can a loving gay couple possibly do as much damage to the institution of marriage as say, John Edwards?

Reading about the John Edwards trial. Anyone else think that in a just world he and Rielle Hunter would be sentenced to spending the rest of their lives together?

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Some think this vote is the most embarrassing thing to happen in North Carolina since the Charlotte Bobcats.

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This just in: Cole Hamels says he would have just hit Josh Hamilton.

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From T.C.    Cole Hamels suspended and fined for beaning Bryce Harper on purpose. On the bright side, the city of New Orleans just made him an Honorary Captain of the Saints.

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Hell  potentially  freezes over department: Okay, it is now possible that the Clippers may last longer in the NBA playoffs than the Lakers.

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The Charlotte Bobcats are reportedly interested in Patrick Ewing for their head coaching position. Heck, with their record last year, maybe they should consider him as a player.

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An Indiana man was arrested for driving with four children strapped to the roof of his car. Wonder if he had a Romney bumpersticker?

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As a way to fight obesity, Massachusetts has banned the school bake sale. You know you might be too PC when even Californians say “That’s insane.”

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Mitt “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” Romney, is now taking credit for the auto industry’s recovery. What’s next, John Edwards taking credit for defending traditional marriage?  –

Rick Santorum says he’s against smoking, but he doesn’t want a law against smoking. But he’s against gay marriage, and he wants a law against gay marriage. Hmm, which of these things he doesn’t like actually can HURT people?

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A Florida man was arrested at BWI airport with a loaded Glock in his carry-on. He said he “forgot” the gun was in his bag. What, did he miss it under his quart plastic bag of toiletries?

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Mike McQueary has filed a whistleblower suit against Penn State. He’s the asst. football coach who first reported seeing Jerry Sandusky and the boy in the showers back in 2001. But then did nothing further. Uh, Mike, if you had REALLY blown the whistle, you wouldn’t be in the mess, career and otherwise, that you are in now.

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North Carolina passed that state constitutional amendment saying marriage is between a man and a woman. So if you’re a state resident who wants to marry someone who looks like you, you’d better stick to relatives.

 

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Rush Limbaugh is fighting back against his anti-woman reputation by touting his new “National Organization for Rush Babes.” Now, nothing against conservative women, but “Rush Babes?” What’s the requirement, a bust size larger than your IQ?

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Two Americas. Or at least two lives.

April 23, 2012

Just how low has John Edwards’ reputation fallen? At this point both Democrats and Republicans expect that if he is convicted of using campaign funds to hide his affair, Edwards will ask for mercy on the grounds that he is a widower.

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Infielder Reggie Williams was released by the Twins this April. He’s since tweeted “Why are there so many gay people these days?” and ranted about seeing “the bold act of gayness in public.” Think it’s a safe bet this is one dude who won’t be offered a contract by the San Francisco Giants.

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Commie-pinko quote of the week: “Here you are during a time of the great crisis for this nation…and you say, this is all this great country can offer up? I think boldness is thrown right out the window. I think courage is not on display. I think most Americans are pretty fed up.” The radical speaker? Jon Huntsman. Speaking at Harvard’s Kennedy School.

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The John Edwards trial starts tomorrow, focused on campaign money he spent on behalf or and/or to cover his adulterous relationship with Rielle Hunter. Who did Edwards think he was? A potential President or an SEC football coach?

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Truly scary thought, had John Kerry won in 2004, could have been our Vice President. With a leg up on the Presidency. So to speak.

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is talked about as a likely V.P. pick for Mitt Romney, except that some perceive him to have flip-flopped on the abortion issue. Well, actually this should make him a perfect fit for Mitt.

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A California man and his family barely escaped without life-threatening injuries when a propane tank in their pickup truck exploded while they were in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru. So for at least one day the most dangerous thing at McDonald’s wasn’t the food.

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Got to love this ESPN headline: “Metta World Peace ejected for violent hit.”

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And hey, if the expected suspension for that hit happens, yep, we’re all going to have to survive without World Peace.

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Last weekend the Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade, looking towards the playoffs, said “We don’t want to be at our best right now.” Yesterday Wade dislocated a finger and is out indefinitely. Maybe God is a fan of the NBA regular season.

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Mitt Romney in Jan. 2012, ““I don’t have complaints about the media, the media is doing their job…the best job (they) can.” Mitt Romney now “There will be an effort, by the quote, vast left-wing conspiracy, to work together to put out their message and attack me.” Good to know Mitt’s as consistent about the media as he is about most things.

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Take the Heat, please.

January 14, 2012

The Miami Heat have lost three in a row. “That’s such a shame.” said absolutely no one outside South Florida.

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Ohio State president Gordon Gee is apologizing after saying that coordinating the school’s 18 colleges was “kind of like the Polish army or something.”

Fortunately for Gee, he’s likely off the front page soon – Urban Meyer with his 30 plus players arrested in 6 years at the Univ. of Florida is taking over this week.

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John Edward’s criminal trial has been postponed because he apparently has a “life-threatening” condition. Sad. Being a douchebag is not usually fatal.

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A judge says John Edwards has a heart condition. Meaning he has joined Dick Cheney in that rare group who seem to have such problems without actually having a heart.

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The comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. As the GOP presidential primary field shrinks, comes the report that Tiger Woods and Tim Tebow could end up playing together in the AT& T Pebble Beach Pro-Am.

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Starbucks is launching a new “Blonde Roast” and an employee has posted that they were advised “there are absolutely no blonde jokes to be told around the coffee what so ever.” Doesn’t mean we can’t post them.

Starting with only blondes will be stupid enough to pay more for weaker coffee?

The winner so far from my friend Alex Kaseberg “The blonde coffee has a much higher chance of ending up in a guy’s lap. (Readers are encouraged to add more.)

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Former Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher may become the next coach of the St. Louis Rams. Fisher apparently is very optimistic, and says he hopes to have the Rams BCS eligible in 2012.

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Former interim MLB commissioner Bud Selig has been given a two year extension until 2014. He took the position temporarily in 1992. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”

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While I’m not exactly a Mitt Romney fan, the latest attack ad in South Carolina lambastes him for speaking French. After an anti-Jon Huntsman ad attacked him for speaking Chinese. And we wonder why Americans have the reputation for being ethnocentric and stupid.

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From Bill Littlejohn, a last word on the BCS championship. After Monday’s 21-0 shellacking at the hands of Alabama, LSU actually received a first place vote in the final poll. Isn’t that like Custer receiving a first place vote after Little Big Horn?

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A picture is worth?

June 17, 2011

$1000?  Wonder how much Edwards spent on his hair and makeup?

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Some sympathy for Vancouver hockey fans. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to lose a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals?  

Well, no, replied hockey fans in Northern California.

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Roberto Luongo did not have a perfect evening. On the other hand, he had so little support that the Canucks goalie has just been named an honorary SF Giants pitcher.

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Is “Canuck” Canadian for “Shark?”

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Adult movie actress Ginger Lee said today that Congressman Anthony Weiner asked her to lie about their online relationship. So who are you going to believe? Someone who sells themselves for money? Or the porn star?

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Now when Lee, who says she texted and tweeted with Anthony Weiner, held her  press conference, she was flanked by her attorney… Gloria Allred.

“I am shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Apparently the main reason that Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign staffers quit was his wife, Callista. Hmm, maybe given Newt’s history the staff should have treated the marriage like the weather – just wait and it will change.

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Some are criticizing President Obama for only spending five hours in Puerto Rico. Well, it’s five hours more than George W. Bush spent during his presidency in San Francisco.  (Or as a friend reminds me – Puerto Rico.)

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Former UConn forward Jamal Coombs-McDaniel, who was arrested on drug charges earlier this year, was allowed to enter a first-time offenders program which will require him to perform community service and to take 10 drug education classes. Hmm. This may be more classes than he took at UConn.

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from TC  ” Monday’s Miami Herald ran a full page Macy’s ad for “NBA 2011 Championship Miami Heat” tee shirts, hats and related souvenirs.

A spokesperson for Macy’s has apologized saying the wrong ad was accidentally submitted.

The correct ad should have read NFL Surplus Tee Shirts and Hats, “2007-2008 New England Patriots Perfect 19-0 Season” and “New England Patriots SB XLII Champions”

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In Canada, the Macy’s ad meant to say “Congratulations Vancouver Canucks on your First Stanley Cup Victory.”

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From Gary Morton on yesterday’s post  about Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.”

“Cliff’s having flashbacks. He thought he was still chasing Cam Newton.”

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Nothing but hound dogs…

June 6, 2011

Apparently plea bargain negotiations broke down with John Edwards over prosecutors’ insistence that the former Senator serve some jail time. Edwards apparently wanted “minimal” impact on Emma, 10, and Jack, 12, his “youngest kids.” Uh, John, if they WERE your youngest kids, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

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Chicago pitcher, Carlos Zambrano,  frustrated after another late inning loss, said of the Cubs,  that it was embarrassing  –  “We are playing like a Triple-A team. ”

There were immediate calls for apologies. From several Triple-A teams.

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Now ex-Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel told people at a rally on his front doorstep that he would “always be a Buckeye,” and that regarding Michigan “Nov. 26th we’re going to kick their ass!” Wonder if he told his former players they could take that to the bank.

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Rick Reilly wrote a column for ESPN on 20 reasons to root for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA finals. Actually, most Americans just need one reason – they aren’t the Miami Heat.

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Plaxico Burress will get out of jail Monday after serving 20 months for carrying and firing an illegal gun (at himself, as it turned out) in Manhattan. Rumor has it if the lockout is settled that Burress may end up with Philadelphia. If so, wonder if the Eagles will be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

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Apparently Plaxico says he has learned his lesson. For starters, someone else in your posse should always carry your gun.

Two 92 year old identical twins, who became friars and lived their entire lives together, died within hours of each other of heart failure. Guess the friars were just tuckered out.

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Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer just finished a four hour French open finals. “Amateurs,” commented John Isner and Nicolas Mahut.

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Jon Stewart’s self-described “fake” news show, is now getting better television ratings than Fox News’s regular shows.   Is this a great country or what?

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Apparently if the NFL lockout is settled, Alex Smith will be the San Francisco 49ers’ 2011 quarterback.  Looks like Jim Harbaugh is serious about trying to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.

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Busted?

June 4, 2011

Fanned by San Franciscos GM Brian Sabean, the controversy continues over the Scott Cousins-Buster Posey collision at home plate. But had Cousins only knocked over Tejada at third, and put Miguel out for the year, Giants fans would be buying Scott drinks.

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Over the objections of the SEC football coaches, the conference’s school presidents and chancellors voted Friday to reduce the annual signing classes in football to 25 from 28. SEC players were incensed, saying that’s cutting recruits by 1/3.

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With all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s and John Edward’s illegitimate children, why does everyone use the term “love child?” Wouldn’t “lust child” be more appropriate?

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The indictment against John Edwards said he spent $925,000 to keep his love child under cover. Jeez, and some people think Planned Parenthood is expensive.

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The Gores are divorced, John Edwards has been indicted, Trump and Gingrich are on their third wives… Who’d a thunk one of the better political marriages of our time might belong to the Clintons?

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Joe Montana’s son Nate, 21, who was arrested last year for underage drinking, has now been arrested for DUI in Missoula, where he plays college football. Joe may have hoped his son would end up with the SF 49ers, but these days looks like Nate is heading towards the Cincinnati Bengals.

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Terrelle Pryor’s godfather and legal guardian told SI that he believes the embattled quarterback will finish his career at Ohio State. Uh, considering the allegations, it might be possible that Pryor HAS finished his career at Ohio State.

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Losing sympathy fast for NBC  with the NHL finals.  With three days between games even casual fans who were getting the hang of it will forget what icing, offside, etc mean…. 

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Semi-literary detour:  R.I.P Josephine Hart, 69, a British poet and novelist died of cancer this week. Americans may know her best from the novel/movie “Damage.” With one of the better lines in a work of fiction ever written “”Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

Gary Morton on “Weiner-gate”  Speaking of Weiners, I’m sure Anthony’s getting no sympathy from John Boehner about the pronunciation of his name.

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But really, is Weiner ever going to shut up and stop digging himself deeper into a whole?  Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”

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Friday groaners…

January 8, 2011

 Times are tough all over. The city of Amsterdam has decided that licensed prostitutes must start paying taxes based on the number of clients they have each day. I guess they’re calling it a pole tax? 

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John Boehner, the most orange man in America, has said in an interview that he has “never been in a tanning bed or used a tanning product.”  Could it be he just doesn’t want to admit he is stupid enough to spend that much time in the sun?  Who knows?  This appears to be one of those “Don’t Bask, Don’t Tell” situations.

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Texas A & M was routed 41 to 24 today by LSU in the Cotton Bowl, in a game that wasn’t that close.   Is it a rule that teams from Texas have to suck in Cowboys Stadium?

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A  friend of John Edwards’ says the former Senator is NOT engaged to marry Rielle Hunter. And that he has no plans to remarry. Especially since in this country John wouldn’t be allowed to marry his true love – himself.

(slightly R rated comment from Alex Kaseberg –  “Edwards should marry himself, its not like he hasn’t been told to go eff himself.”)

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 While Auburn had been ranked 4th in the country for football players’ academic achievement, the NCAA now announced that due to the discovery of some “loopholes” by the NY Times, the Tigers are actually 85th out of 120 major college teams. Guess Auburn shouldn’t have put the teams’ math majors in charge of reporting statistics.

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Basketball star Enes Kanter, 18, was declared permanently ineligible to play in college by the NCAA, for receiving over $30,000 in benefits while playing for a Turkish team. No doubt this will be a lesson to other talented young men who choose to play abroad – “Just pay my dad, okay?”

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The NFL is debuting a new overtime rule for the postseason. (Basically, you can’t win on the first possession of OT by kicking a field goal, the other team must then have possession at least once.) Fortunately the Redskins and Donovan McNabb are nowhere near the playoffs.

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The impossible dream?

July 17, 2010

Okay, tonight there is hope for anyone who has ever dreamed an impossible dream: Bengie Molina hit for the cycle.

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To put this in perspective, how likely was it that the slowest man in baseball would hit a single, double, home run and most shocking, triple in the same game? About as likely as Al Gore being accused of sexual harrassment.

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There are now rumors that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping a reality show based on their upcoming marriage. This might be the first time that Bristol, Levi, and reality have all been used in the same sentence.

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Apparently, however, Bristol and Levi really believe their potential show will be unique, focusing on how difficult it is to have any privacy when a member of your family runs for national office.

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Sarah is apparently pretty upset though. Exploiting the Palin family for money is HER job.

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Aaron Sorkin apparently is going to make a movie about the rise and fall of John Edwards. No word on the title yet, since “Despicable Me” was already taken.

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Another title that’s already been used? “Hair.”

And of course “So You Think You Can Dance… Around the Truth”

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Senator John McCain apparently did pretty well in his first debate Friday night against his Republican challenger J.D. Hayworth. Of course, McCain is an experienced veteran with debates, going back to his childhood when he attended the one between Lincoln and Douglas.

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How bad were the wind gusts Friday at the British Open? They were thinking of paving the 18th fairway with yellow bricks.

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Dwayne Wade defended his friend LeBron James today saying that James “didn’t quit” on Cleveland during the playoffs. “He prefers to think of it as saving his energy for Miami.”

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Okay, will someone explain to me how the NBA owners and Commissioner David Stern can claim that the league is losing so much money that they may have to have a player lockout next year. And yet the Golden State Warriors, one of the worst teams in the league, just sold for $450 million.

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Steve Jobs claimed in a new conference that the problems with the iPhone 4G are “overhyped.” Really, Steve…Does anyone at Apple really want to complain about “overhype?”

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And okay, we all know that as far as sports it’s New York’s country, we just live in it, but get these “Top Stories” from SI.com.

“Stephen Strasburg smothers Marlins.” (Okay, he threw six shutout innings, allowing only four hits, in a 4-0 win and the bullpen held Florida scoreless for the last three innings.)
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“Mets blanked again.” (In this game Barry Zito threw EIGHT shutout innings, with two hits, in a 1-0 game.)

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The Beer Pitcher?

In many minor league baseball stadiums, there is a “beer batter.” One player on the visiting team is designated the “beer batcher,” and every time he strikes out, beer is discounted for the next inning.

After watching Brian Wilson of the SF Giants get another of his nail-biter saves, one run lead, gave up a single with two out, then a 3 to 1 count on the next batter before striking him out, maybe we should designate him the “Beer Pitcher.” While he usually comes in after beer sales have closed, how about letting fans save their ticket stubs from games he pitches in, for one discount beer at a future game? It would be well earned.

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Too gay for the NFL?

January 31, 2010

So for the Super Bowl, CBS has okayed an anti-abortion ad featuring Tim Tebow, and rejected a gay dating ad. Hmm, maybe “Mancrunch” should have had the ad say “Reduce potential abortions, encourage more gay dating!”

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But let’s see, NFL players are athletic-looking guys, often with elaborate hairstyles, who dress in tight spandex uniforms. Then they grab at each other, hug after great plays and dance on a regular basis. Yeah, can’t see why the league thinks they would have any gay viewers.

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Once again, you can’t make this stuff up. In the “they just don’t get it” department”, Nike has an ad inside the front cover of ESPN the magazine, and Sports Illustrated featuring Kobe Bryant and Lebron James in a campaign titled “Prepare for combat.”

And in the ad Kobe says, “I’ll do whatever it takes…. I don’t leave anything in the chamber.”

So what’s next, an ad campaign talking about the NBA’s high caliber players.

Or describing someone’s play as “semi-automatic?”

Maybe this is all some karmic revenge for the league’s getting rid of the name “Washington Bullets.”

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The Stanford men’s basketball team has yet to win a game away from Maples this year. And they had only one such win last season. This team might perform worse on the road than Willy Loman.

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In women’s basketball, the second ranked Stanford women have been trailing at halftime in both their last games, but then have come from behind to win handily. Some wonder what coach Tara VanDeveer has said to the women at halftime. Might be as simple as “You’re playing like men.”
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John Edwards apparently claimed to his then-friend Andrew Young that Rielle Hunter had told him she couldn’t get pregnant. Okay, that’s it, forget the morals. The man is too stupid to be president.

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Johnny we hardly knew ye – and we liked you better then too…

January 30, 2010

Should we be that that surprised that John Edwards fathered an illegitimate child? He was late in deciding to pull out of Iraq too.

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It just keeps on coming, now there’s a sex tape featuring John Edwards. And here some people thought Barack Obama made a potentially embarrasing choice for V.P. by picking Joe Biden.

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The New York Yankees are taking the World Series trophy on a tour of Asia. Come on, is this really necessary? Millions of people living right here in America have never actually seen that trophy. They’re called Cubs fans.

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Kurt Warner retired today after a amazing career where he took both the Rams and Cardinals to the Super Bowl. But before that, the 38 year old quarterback played in the Arena Football League, NFL Europe, and even had a stint working in a grocery store.

If he makes it to the Hall of Fame Warner will have a couple tough decisions. St. Louis or Arizona? Paper or plastic?

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For the second time in six months, John Daly has announced he is done with golf. He says he will, however, make an exception for the A T and T Pro-Am, with his partner Brett Favre.

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Samantha Harris is leaving “Dancing with the Stars.” This news disappointed millions of women and about two men.

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While baseball struggles with asterisks and the steroid issue, the NBA has its own problems. For example, should there be an asterisk for any wins this year against the New Jersey Nets.

(for non-NBA fans, the Nets are 4-41. No, that is not a typo.)

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You have to wonder why they call them the “Nets.” Because clearly the team isn’t very good at finding them.

From Alex Kaseberg:

With New Orleans winning 31- 28 over the Minnesota Vikings, the Superdome was a site of joy, celebration and excitement. Less than five years ago after Hurricane Katrina, however, the Superdome was a site of despair, anguish and misery. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that: Wrigley Field.

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talking about steve.

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Father’s Day?

January 22, 2010

John Edwards has admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. So while he was talking about “Two Americas,” who knew he was having children in both of them?

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Now that Edwards has admitted paternity of his mistress’s child, one question comes to mind: How long before potential Tiger cubs surface?

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Shaquille O’Neal wants to save the NBA’s All-Star dunk contest by making it a benefit with superstars for Haiti. Yo, Shaq, really want to get some donations. Get pledges based on how long it would take you to hit a certain number free throws in a row. (And then learn to shoot them.)

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More thoughts about Tiger. When does a man realize he’s a sex addict? When he gets caught.

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John Edwards says he wants to give his new acknowledged daughter the “love and attention” she deserves. Which if you’ve seen her baby pictures should be easy….she’s the next closest thing to John looking in a mirror.

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Ferguson Jenkins says Mark McGwire owes an apology to “all the pitchers he faced while juiced.” While I’m not a steroids fan, does that mean that Roger Clemens et al also owe an apology to all the batters THEY faced while juiced? .

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In California, Republican gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner has “lent” $19 million to his campaign, while Meg Whitman has “lent” her campaign $39 million. And both of them say they should be elected governor so they can cut down on state spending.

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John McCain’s wife Cindy has come out in favor of gay marriage. Conservatives are not thrilled. On the other hand, they are relieved to hear a Republican “coming out” story that has nothing to do with airport bathrooms.

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When will they ever learn…

August 13, 2009

The latest “family values” celebrity hoist by his own, well petard equivalent, is Rick Pitino.

The media reports refer to him as a “married father of five.” But okay, since he has already admitted to at least one incident of unprotected sex in a restaurant with a woman he had just met…. Well, maybe that “five” number is a little conservative.

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Dick Cheney now says that he was “frustrated” with George W. Bush.

Well, so much for all those who say our former V.P. is out of touch with the country?

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The IOC rejected baseball’s application to return as an Olympic sport. Which means that fans of amateur baseball will just have to settle for the Pirates and Nationals.

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John Edwards will apparently admit he is the father of his ex-mistress’s baby. Should we be surprised? He was late in deciding to pull out of Iraq too.

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Bad news for John Edwards. First, the paternity test shows his girlfriend’s baby is his daughter. Second, that means another family member who could grow up prettier than he is.

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See Sarah run, See Sarah write

May 15, 2009

Sarah Palin has signed a contract to write her memoirs.  Presumably the book will be illustrated with pictures of Russia taken from her house.

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Governor Palin said she is writing the book in part because she is tired of the media exploiting her family.  Apparently she’s decided it’s time  to go back to exploiting her family by herself. 

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In the meantime, Elizabeth Edwards’ book, and her book tour, seem to be doing a good job of sinking any future political career John might have.

Instead of  “Stand by your man,” it’s more like “Stand on your man.”  In stillettos.

 

Detroit running back Kevin Smith has guaranteed the Lions would make the playoffs next season.  Maybe he meant the B.C. Lions?

 (note to Americans on the above joke, the B.C. Lions are a CFL team from Vancouver.)

The Cincinnati Bengals will be featured on the HBO series about training camps  “Hard Knocks” this fall.   While some in Cincinnati are nervous about the reality show, at least it’s an improvment over the Bengals’ previous performance, on “Hard Time.”

Or-

At least it’s an improvment over the Bengals’ previous reality show – “Cops.”

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As the Obama administration deals with the torture issue, some are floating kinder, gentler, versions of interrogation that might be as effective as waterboarding…

For starters,  nonstop playing of “Ishtar” and “Waterworld”  in detainees’ cells,  or perhaps DVD replays of “the View,”  or perhaps just having Joe Biden come in to say a few words,

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President Obama has decided that his administration will not torture.  And in keeping with that decision, he won’t put detainees through anything he wouldn’t go through himself.  Which means that soon, anyone held and suspected of being a terrorist by the US will have their mother-in-law invited to stay with them.

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Manny, Manny….

May 7, 2009

So it’s not exactly a pop quiz anymore.  All major league baseball players know they will be tested for banned performance enchancing substances.   And Manny Ramirez gets caught.

Even John Edwards said “What was he THINKING?”

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Although watching John and Elizabeth Edwards do such a public airing of their dirty linen, a thought comes to mind.  Who knew Bill and Hillary might end up looking like a model political marriage?

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Back to baseball…

 

Although a true cynic might note that Manny seems to get bored in a full season, and will still make $17 million.  While the Dodgers save over $6 million and still get their slugger before back the All-Star game.  ..

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In San Francisco, the Giants have to be breathing a sigh of relief, since they at least flirted with signing a long term deal with Manny.  Kind of like John Edward’s last girlfriend before Elizabeth must feel…

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And in the meantime, parents who don’t want their children growing up idolizing these artificially enchanced stars can just take the kids to the movies, or watch a beauty pageant. 

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From Bill Littlejohn:

 “Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female fertility drug.An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and heard his voice said it was a case of ‘Manny being Minnie'”
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The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out.   The game, which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-Tee Party.

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And Celine Dion is thinking of buying the Montreal Canadians.   Maybe because watching them in the playoffs reminded her of “Titanic.”

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