Posted tagged ‘Plaxico Burress jokes’

The proposal.

August 2, 2011

I’m a little confused by this final debt ceiling proposal. Who gave who the final rose?

Many Americans on both sides would say that we all ended up with plenty of… fertilizer.

Watching ABC’s previews for “Bachelor Pad.” The perfect show for all those who think the “Bachelor/Bachelorette” is too emotionally restrained and classy.

Jerry Lewis slammed the show “American Idol,” Saying the contestants are all “McDonalds Wipeouts.” Responded McDonalds Corp, “Who’s Jerry Lewis?”

Oakland Athletics owner Lew Wolff, speaking in support of his friend Bud Selig, says that for the “good of baseball,” he hopes Frank McCourt will sell the Los Angeles Dodgers soon. Uh, actually, for the good of baseball, many people wish Wolff would sell the hapless As.

A woman from Kansas is in stable condition after being accidentally run over by a Beach Patrol pickup truck while sunbathing on Daytona Beach. I see a new “safer alternative” advertising campaign for tanning salons.

Saw the headline Monday “Bradshaw agrees to return to Giants.” You know you’ve heard too many Brett Favre stories when your first reaction is “Dear Gawd, not Terry too?”

A joint effort with my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “Jennifer Lopez talks about her marital trouble in Vanity Fair, but please still respect her privacy, ok?”

Like Sarah Palin calling news conferences to promote her documentary and asking the media to leave her family alone.

Limelight-loving Randy Moss says he is retiring. Even Pete Rose is saying “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

The New York Jets feel Plaxico Burress will be a positive addition this year Although while the wide receiver is talented, there were other issues -mostly attitude related – with the Giants before he ended up in prison.

If Burress ends up being more trouble than he is worth will other teams feel like they dodged a bullet?

Rex Ryan said it was a “leap of faith” to sign Plaxico Burress. Well, at least he didn’t say it was a “shot in the dark.”

Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has returned to the House floor for the first time since her shooting, casting her vote for the debt ceiling compromise. Apparently Giffords still has some trouble stringing coherent sentences together. This still, however, puts her ahead of many members of Congress.

San Francisco is placing Barry Zito on the DL again. Nothing personal, but judging by his last few starts, most fans would say that “D” stands for “Disgusting.”

Actually the only hope for Zito at this point may be to get pitching lessons from Gaylord Perry.

“Down under” Tiger joke from Augie: Said Tiger, “This will allow me to keep my short strokes down under the minimum so I can get it in the hole easier.”

Finally, Mitt Romney said Monday he opposes the debt ceiling deal. Which means in about a week he should be supporting it.


Nothing but hound dogs…

June 6, 2011

Apparently plea bargain negotiations broke down with John Edwards over prosecutors’ insistence that the former Senator serve some jail time. Edwards apparently wanted “minimal” impact on Emma, 10, and Jack, 12, his “youngest kids.” Uh, John, if they WERE your youngest kids, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

Chicago pitcher, Carlos Zambrano,  frustrated after another late inning loss, said of the Cubs,  that it was embarrassing  –  “We are playing like a Triple-A team. ”

There were immediate calls for apologies. From several Triple-A teams.

Now ex-Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel told people at a rally on his front doorstep that he would “always be a Buckeye,” and that regarding Michigan “Nov. 26th we’re going to kick their ass!” Wonder if he told his former players they could take that to the bank.

Rick Reilly wrote a column for ESPN on 20 reasons to root for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA finals. Actually, most Americans just need one reason – they aren’t the Miami Heat.

Plaxico Burress will get out of jail Monday after serving 20 months for carrying and firing an illegal gun (at himself, as it turned out) in Manhattan. Rumor has it if the lockout is settled that Burress may end up with Philadelphia. If so, wonder if the Eagles will be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

Apparently Plaxico says he has learned his lesson. For starters, someone else in your posse should always carry your gun.

Two 92 year old identical twins, who became friars and lived their entire lives together, died within hours of each other of heart failure. Guess the friars were just tuckered out.

Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer just finished a four hour French open finals. “Amateurs,” commented John Isner and Nicolas Mahut.

Jon Stewart’s self-described “fake” news show, is now getting better television ratings than Fox News’s regular shows.   Is this a great country or what?

Apparently if the NFL lockout is settled, Alex Smith will be the San Francisco 49ers’ 2011 quarterback.  Looks like Jim Harbaugh is serious about trying to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.

Bomb scare….

August 3, 2009

Flights from La Guardia were delayed when a bomb was reportedly found in the airport. But it was a false alarm. Turns out “Land of the Lost” won’t even be out on DVD for months.

The Post Office is considering closing over 700 branches. The list was sent today to the Postal Regulatory Commission by email.

The state of Michigan is willing to house Guantanamo Bay prisoners. Not only do they have unused maximum security prison facilities, the state has a surefire way to keep the toughest prisoners in line – threatening to show them Detroit Lions game tapes.

This is a repeat, but a timely one.

Did you hear about the Plaxico Burress cocktail? Just one very expensive shot.

It looks like Michael Jackson may have died because of a strong sleep inducing drug prescribed by his doctor. This tragedy could have been averted, had they only known of Jackson’s insomnia, the White House could have sent over some Joe Biden tapes.

Senator John McCain has announced he will not vote for Sonia Sotomayer as he does not believe she is qualified to be a Surpreme Court judge. Well, and who could question McCain’s qualifications for choosing competent women?

McCain has apparently fallen in love with Twitter. Maybe the real reason he is against the nomination is that “Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor” takes up too many characters?

Another comment on the Gates-Crowley story, from the very funny Alex Kaseberg.

You know guys are going to take this concept and run with it. “No, honey, I’m not drinking with the boys, I am involved in an important beer summit.”