Posted tagged ‘Zito jokes’

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Distractions.

February 17, 2017

Pittsburgh police are allegedly considering multiple felony charges against Jets CB Darrelle Revis for his role in a “street altercation early Monday morning.”
Is this a shameless attempt to get the Knicks out of the NY headlines?

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Barry Zito’s first album has now made the Billboard Country Music chart, debuting at #39.  39. What are the odds?  The same number as the speed of Zito’s fastball.

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Any chance we can take a page from the @NBA and start instituting technical fouls for Presidents?

Tonight at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport a Frontier Airlines and Southwest flight clipped wings. No injuries, although both planes were evacuated. But presumably Southwest requested the video for a “wanna get away” commercial.

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Delta is planning to add free meals back to long-haul flights within the US in coach class. Of course, any $20 or so increase in domestic fares would be purely a coincidence.

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The #Thimble token has been voted out of the Monopoly game. And millennials are going “What’s a Thimble?”

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The FBI arrested a avowed South Carolina white supremacist who was trying to buy a gun from an undercover agent. The man said he wanted to carry out an attack “in the spirit of Dylan Roof.”
But hey, he’s white. So no terrorism problem. Move along, nothing to see here.

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As #Trump finds new media targets. remember old saying “If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore them, if 10 call you an ass, buy a saddle.”

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Trump says his administration is running “like a fine-tuned machine.” Uh, more like a Rube Goldberg machine . #TrumpNewsConference

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So was goal of #TrumpNewsConference to make @SNL give up because they can’t come up with satire stranger than reality?

#TrumpPressConference on Melania “She gets so unfairly maligned…” Guessing he hasn’t seen #FreeMelania movement?

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Trump – “We’re gonna find the leakers. They’re going to pay a big price for leaking.” But the stuff they were leaking, on Russia, etc – Move along, nothing to see here.

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Ret Vice Adm Bob Harward turned down Trump offer for National Security Advisor. CNN says he told friend it was “a “s*** sandwich,” #myhero

JudicialWatch estimated Obama’s travel expenses totaled $97 mill in 2 terms. Taking April 1 in pool for date Trump eclipses that.

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A just released nearly 400 page FBI file details an investigation on Trump and his father Fred allegedly “not wanting to rent to blacks” in the 1970s. So this couldn’t have been announced in October along with Weiner’s emails?

April Ryan, a longtime White House reporter and Washington bureau chief for American Urban Radio Networks, is African American. She asked Trump today if he planned to include the CBC (Congressional Black Caucus) “in your conversations with your urban agenda, your inner-city agenda.”
He responded by asking if they were “friends of yours,” &, “I tell you what, do you want to set up the meeting?”

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So if John Boehner was still around would Trump ask him to set up a meeting with the Orange Caucus? #TrumpPressConference

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Turn the lights back on, the party’s not quite over…

May 14, 2013

Toronto Maple Leafs fans are still shocked about their team’s end of game seven collapse yesterday. Even Yogi Berra thought it was over.

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So the SF Giants are just trying to make the good citizens of Toronto feel better about the Maple Leafs’ world class choke job last night, right?

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So how long until they put Toronto Maple Leafs playoff t-shirts on sale? Presumably all of them with the neck opening three sizes too small.

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Years ago in Spring Training, Randy Johnson killed a bird with a pitch. If R.A. Dickey and Barry Zito, Tuesday night’s starting pitchers in Toronto, did the same thing, that bird would still be telling the story to his grandchildren.

(Scot asks   “Watching Giants v Blue Jays does this mean every 12 year old has the velocity to make the “bigs”, before they discover drugs?)

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So ESPN is reporting that Jonathan Sanchez is about to sign a deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. It must be part of a plan to sell more beer at Dodger Stadium.

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He’s more than cricket: Prince Harry on his US tour participated in a baseball practice with Harlem RBI, a group that helps inner-city youth, and hit a home run.  Is it too late for Harry to sign with the Mets?

Forget all these boring U.S. political follies: Mark your calendars. Downton Abbey returns January 5, 2014..

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This whine has legs. After Sergio Garcia claimed that Tiger Woods distracted him during his swing, Woods said tournament officials had told him Garcia had played already and it was okay to pull out his own club. Now TPC officials say Woods is lying. Gosh, and why would anyone ever distrust Tiger?

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Good for Angelina Jolie for coming forward about her double mastectomy. . And if anyone ever wondered just how sexy reconstructive surgery can look…  I think we are about to find out.

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Last week an Air Force office who headed the sexual assault prevention office was arrested for allegedly groping a woman, now the Army said a soldier coordinating a sexual assault prevention program is under investigation for “abusive sexual contact.” Jeez. This is worse than having a Congress full of adulterers and divorced men defending marriage.

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From Marc Ragovin:  The New York Mets have signed Rick Ankiel after he was released by the Astros. Ya know, I think that signing Astros castoffs is the first sign of the Apocalypse.

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer today said he is not “a monster.” Well I should hope not. If he said otherwise, they’d hear from the “Monster Anti-Defamation League.”

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One of those rare serious thoughts,  The National Transportation Safety Board is recommending that the benchmark for DUI be lowered from 0.08 blood-alcohol content (BAC) to 0.05. If they really want to make a difference, how about instead a recommendation that restaurants/bars have breathalyzers available to patrons?

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ABM

June 4, 2012

Nice win for the Boston Celtics in OT tonight. As they take over the temporary mantle of “America’s ABM Team.” (“Anyone But Miami.”)

 

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Two Ohio State football players were arrested Saturday night on charges of “obstructing official business.” (Apparently this involved public urination and running from police.)    Well, looks like coach Urban Meyer is well on his way to repeating  his record at the University of  Florida.  (31 Gators arrested in 6 years.)

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Actor Jason Alexander said on CBS’s Late Late Show that he considers cricket a “gay” sport. Today he apologized saying that conversations with his gay friends led him to realize his insensitivity, and that at first he didn’t grasp why some might object to the comment. Really? If true Alexander may not be bigoted, but he sure is stupid.

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Okay, time for another question where the ulltimate response is “Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.” As we head into June, how many baseball fans had Barry Zito with as many wins, and fewer losses, than Justin Verlander?

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Barry Zito, now 5-2 with a 2.98 ERA (Really.), was married over the winter. So maybe he’s proving Casey Stengel’s old adage. “Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.”

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Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley was married Saturday. Dad should be finishing up his toast to the happy couple any time now.

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All these headlines about “Desperate Housewives” star Kathyrn Joosten dying. I and no doubt others would probably rather see “R.I.P Mrs. Landingham.

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Richard Dawson, the first host of Family Feud, has died at 79. Services are pending, once his relatives find out the answers to “What are the most importnat things to have at a funeral?”

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Former Oklahoma State University state and Jacksonville Jaguars top pick Justin Blackmon is in jail this morning after an “aggravated DUI” charge. Stanford fans are thinking, what a shame, especially that it couldn’t have happened the night before the Fiesta Bowl.

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Hugh Hefner and former fiancee Crystal Harris are back together, about a year after Crystal called off their wedding at the last minute. Guess the 86 year old Hef is the forgiving sort, either that or he just doesn’t remember being dumped.

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Regarding that Phoenix mom who drove off with her baby in a car seat on the car’s roof,  Mark Ricklis says “Willard said he did not see any problem with the her travel arrangements.”

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Expect the unexpected.

April 26, 2012

Okay, about a month into the season who had the San Francisco Giants’ best starter being…. Barry Zito? Now okay, all you liars put your hands down.

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President Obama says that Mitt Romney isn’t going to be able to suddenly say, ‘Everything I’ve said for the last six months, I didn’t mean.’ And Mitt is thinking “Wanna bet?”

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Burger King, trying to differentiate themselves from their competitors, has vowed to use only cage-free chicken and pork in their food by 2017. Maybe they’d get more business if they promised to use those cages in their restaurants on some children.

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Folks in Arkansas are still pretty upset about the Bobby Petrino scandal. I mean, what was their coach doing in a car kissing a pretty young thing? And she wasn’t even his relative.

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And we wonder how lawyers get a bad reputation. In 2007 the Cosco Busan ship dumped over 50,000 gallons of oil into SF Bay after hitting the Bay Bridge. Attorneys for the owners are suing the Long’s (now CVS) pharmacy since they say it is partially their fault for giving the pilot his prescription medications.

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The Supreme Court seems sympathetic to Arizona’s immigration law. “What does government mean if it doesn’t allow states to defend its borders,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. Hmm, does that mean California can defend ourselves against those who don’t like, for example, our medical marijuana laws?

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The New York Yankees have come out with new team fragrances, for men and women. The perfect choice for those who want to smell like money. http://www.nyyankeesfragrance.com/collections/all

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Thanks to Marc Ragovin for this insight, “how ironic that a black man sent Tim Thomas packing.”

And really, coincidence, or karma being one smart b*tch? Boston Bruins star goalie Tim Thomas turned down a visit to the White House for what he said were political reasons. And the Washington Capitals’ Joel Ward, one of the few black players in the NHL,  scored the series winning goal.

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Get out your hankies – Ann Romney in 1994, about her college years with Mitt:. “We were happy, studying hard. Neither one of us had a job, because Mitt had enough of an investment from stock that we could sell off a little at a time.” We “walked to class together, shared housekeeping, had a lot of pasta and tuna fish and learned hard lessons.”

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Mississippi’s Governor said today that Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children.” Wait, what about destroying society by allowing gay marriage?

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Back to sports: My latest little Top Ten readers list. (Since ESPN.com is still evaluating whether they want to bring the list back.) Looking for suggestions, now that he’s been suspended for that violent hit, and has some time on his hand, what’s your suggestion for a good new name for Metta World Peace?

Will post my favorites next Monday night.

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The proposal.

August 2, 2011

I’m a little confused by this final debt ceiling proposal. Who gave who the final rose?

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Many Americans on both sides would say that we all ended up with plenty of… fertilizer.

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Watching ABC’s previews for “Bachelor Pad.” The perfect show for all those who think the “Bachelor/Bachelorette” is too emotionally restrained and classy.

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Jerry Lewis slammed the show “American Idol,” Saying the contestants are all “McDonalds Wipeouts.” Responded McDonalds Corp, “Who’s Jerry Lewis?”

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Oakland Athletics owner Lew Wolff, speaking in support of his friend Bud Selig, says that for the “good of baseball,” he hopes Frank McCourt will sell the Los Angeles Dodgers soon. Uh, actually, for the good of baseball, many people wish Wolff would sell the hapless As.

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A woman from Kansas is in stable condition after being accidentally run over by a Beach Patrol pickup truck while sunbathing on Daytona Beach. I see a new “safer alternative” advertising campaign for tanning salons.

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Saw the SI.com headline Monday “Bradshaw agrees to return to Giants.” You know you’ve heard too many Brett Favre stories when your first reaction is “Dear Gawd, not Terry too?”

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A joint effort with my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “Jennifer Lopez talks about her marital trouble in Vanity Fair, but please still respect her privacy, ok?”

Like Sarah Palin calling news conferences to promote her documentary and asking the media to leave her family alone.

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Limelight-loving Randy Moss says he is retiring. Even Pete Rose is saying “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

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The New York Jets feel Plaxico Burress will be a positive addition this year Although while the wide receiver is talented, there were other issues -mostly attitude related – with the Giants before he ended up in prison.

If Burress ends up being more trouble than he is worth will other teams feel like they dodged a bullet?

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Rex Ryan said it was a “leap of faith” to sign Plaxico Burress. Well, at least he didn’t say it was a “shot in the dark.”

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Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has returned to the House floor for the first time since her shooting, casting her vote for the debt ceiling compromise. Apparently Giffords still has some trouble stringing coherent sentences together. This still, however, puts her ahead of many members of Congress.

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San Francisco is placing Barry Zito on the DL again. Nothing personal, but judging by his last few starts, most fans would say that “D” stands for “Disgusting.”
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Actually the only hope for Zito at this point may be to get pitching lessons from Gaylord Perry.

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“Down under” Tiger joke from Augie: Said Tiger, “This will allow me to keep my short strokes down under the minimum so I can get it in the hole easier.”

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Finally, Mitt Romney said Monday he opposes the debt ceiling deal. Which means in about a week he should be supporting it.

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