Posted tagged ‘spelling bee jokes’

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What’s not in a name?

May 31, 2014

The “American Family Association,” an anti-gay “Christian” group, wants members to make they don’t accept anything with Harvey Milk stamps, as they don’t want Harvey Milk’s name on their mail. And somewhere Jesus is thinking “how do I get my name “Christian” off this group?”

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A US Airways cross country fight had to make an unscheduled landing when a service dog pooped twice in the.aisle It was the worst smell most passengers could remember since the days of free meals in coach.

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Not only could most Americans not be able to match the Scripps Spelling Bee champions Sriram Hathwar and Ansun Sujoe, most of us couldn’t even spell their names.

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If it’s true that Phil Mickelson is guilty of insider trading even Martha Stewart will be thinking “How could you be so stupid?”

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Boston Red Sox are undefeated when using four managers.

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From Alex Kaseberg.  “The hockey playoffs are great, the Preakness created a Triple Crown contender, and Kyle Busch is tearing up NASCAR. Greatest time for really white people in sports since the Polka Band showed up at the Curling venue at the Sochi games.”
(And Tiger Woods just withdrew from the U.S. Open?  Coincidence?)
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An NFL official just said the “Redskins name is not a slur.” But presume if pressed he’d have to admit the way the Redskins have been playing is a slur.

 

Some Republicans are upset that President Obama interrupted “The Price is Right.” Why do I get the sense few in the GOP would notice if he interrupted “Jeopardy?”

 

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Malia Obama has attended her first prom. Where she was no doubt the young woman least likely to be harassed by her date.

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Cleveland offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan says so far that Johnny Manziel reminds him of Robert Griffin III. That may be what some Browns fans are afraid of….

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David Ortiz, angry at David Price hitting him last night with a pitch, now says “It’s a war.” And ESPN executives are looking to see what Red Sox-Rays games they can add to their prime-time schedule.

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Live and Learn. Or not.

May 31, 2013

Retired Army Gen. David Petraeus has a new job as chairman of NY investment firm KKR’s newly created “Global Institute.” Let that be a lesson to powerful men, screw around, be forced to retire, and make millions as a consultant.

 

Arvind Mahankali is this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee champion. Presumably he won the contest by spelling his own name.

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Josh Sale, the Rays’ 2010 1st-round pick, just finished a 50 game PED suspension and was back in single A. Then he posted on FB about throwing “50 cents at a stripper tonight First time. Got kicked out and she got so (mad) thought she was gonna cry. Your a stripper. Be thankful.” Tampa Bay suspended him for “conduct detrimental to the organization.” A formal way of saying “for being a stupid douchebag.”

 

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From T.C.  “If Miami plays San Antonio in the NBA final, the biggest question will be: Which coach benches all their starters first, in order to save them for game 7?

 

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Not a bad line actually. But Ohio State president Gordon Gee, at a meeting where he wasn’t thinking that EVERYTHING is public now, was asked to respond to SEC fans who wonder why it is still referred to as the Big Ten with 14 members. “”You tell the SEC when they can learn to read and write, then they can figure out what we’re doing.”

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Mariah Carey announced she is leaving “American Idol.” The number one response “Please tell us you are taking Nicki Minaj with you.”

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The NBA handed out three $5000 flopping fines after Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals, including one to LeBron James. $5000!? That’ll teach them. Sort of the league equivalent of a quarter in the “Cuss Jar.”

 

–Mark Sanchez, on the team’s announced QB competition. “‘I’m planning on playing. I’m planning on starting.” Confidence? Or part of a plan to boost NY beer and drug sales.

 

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President Obama chose Republican James Comey as the new FBI director. Many GOP members of Congress are wondering if they can both praise Comey and block him on principle.

 

 

A serious thought on wiretapping, civil liberties etc. Everyone screams bloody murder about government interference in the lives of private citizens. And then when something like Boston happens, we scream that the government should have had them under closer surveillance.

 

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Bear arms,… arm bears….. It’s so confusing.

April 10, 2013

A circus elephant escaped serious injury when she was hit by a bullet in a drive-by shooting in Tupelo, Miss. Waiting for the NRA to issue a statement saying that we now need to arm elephants.

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Stephen Colbert apparently has convinced Bill Clinton to open a Twitter account. But once again, I think we can all be happy that the former president never had the ability to text or send camera phone pictures while in office.

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Many Colorado Rockies fans were complaining because the team doesn’t have their home opener until April 15. Today’s high temperature in Denver? 18 degrees. I think this is Mother Nature’s way of saying “STFU.”

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Scripps National Spelling Bee just announced that semi-finalists will now also have to know the meaning of the words they spell in the competition. Great. Yet another way for 11 year olds to make us feel stupid.

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At least 15 people were injured in an attack at a Texas college near Houston. So far injuries only. But then there is no such thing as a semi-automatic knife.

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Tom Cruise now says that he “did not expect” Katie Holmes’ abrupt filing for divorce last year. What? Tom must have thought it was a 10 year contract instead of five.

 

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As the NBA draft declarations begin have to wonder why colleges raise NCAA tournament banners any more. Not like any of the players on the teams are ever there the following year to see them.

 

Former V.P. Dick Cheney spoke to Republican lawmakers Tuesday about North Korea, and reportedly told them “We’re in deep doo-doo.” “Deep doo-doo?!” And this is the man who was supposed to be W’s adult supervision?

 

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Golden State Warriors heading to the playoffs for the 2nd time in the last 19 years. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that – “practically a dynasty.”

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How scary a stat is this?  (From Gregg Drinnan of the Kamloops Daily News in British Columbia “Lakers center Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this season than Steve Nash has missed in his 17-year career.,”

And if anyone’s reading this in Orlando they’re just giggling….

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Tigers DH Victor Martinez missed today’s game when he needed stitches after cutting his thumb on the bat rack at Comerica Park. In San Francisco, Bruce Bochy issued an order to keep Jeremy Affeldt away from the bat rack.

(Giants fans can just imagine Affeldt running his hand along the rack….”So how could you possibly cut yourself on one of these… Oh sh*t.”..)

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To mispell or misspell, that is the question.

June 1, 2012

Watching the Scripps  National Spelling Bee – at this point a Caucasian is as likely to win the tournament as one is to win the NBA MVP title.

Heck, most Caucasians can’t even spell the winner’s name: Snigdha Nandipati

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As a friend says, sometimes the saving grace of humanity is that crooks are stupid: A Santa Maria man was arrested and charged with attempting to sell methamphetamines after he accidentally sent a text about selling the drugs to a wrong number, which turned out to be that of  a local police officer.

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The FDA rejected the Corn Refiners Association’s bid to have “High fructose corn syrup” renamed “corn sugar.” Presumably they would have accepted a more honest alternative “butt enlarger.”

 

 

Not a great week for Mark Zuckerberg. Now the news is out that he and his wife were at lunch on their honeymoon in Rome and didn’t leave a tip. The best tip, of course, would have been “Don’t buy Facebook stock.”

 

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The Justice Dept ordered Florida to halt their attempted purge of suspected non-citizens from the voting rolls, on the same day a Federal court struck down the state’s new election law which tightly restricts voter registration groups. Here’s a simpler idea to guarantee a fair election in November: Declare Florida the only Southern State to have won the civil war, and thus officially seceded.  –

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Mitt Romney made a surprise campaign appearance today in front of the former headquarters of Solyndra. Here we go…. Wonder how long it will take the Obama campaign to stop in front of the former headquarters of Enron or Lehmann Brothers.

 

 

And while Mitt Romney is attacking Solyndra, if he wants to go after recent debacles with taxpayer money, wonder why he’s saying nothing about 38 Studios?  They were a video game company that received $75 million in loan guarantees in 2010 from the tiny state of Rhode Island, and just laid off all their employees. I’m sure it’s not just because the company founder was Red Sox ace and ardent GOP support Curt Schilling….

 

Some conspiracy theorists are wondering if the NBA somehow rigged the lottery so that the league-owned New Orleans Hornets got the first draft pick. Really? As if the NBA is competent enough to rig a lottery….

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Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin:  “Researchers with an aviation historical society have found a cosmetics jar that they believe may be linked to Amelia Earhart. Of course. Its vanishing cream.”

 

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As bad as the U.S. political scene is now, it could be worse. Just imagine if we were dealing with the impeachment trial of President John Edwards.

 

 

 

John Edwards may have been found not guilty of one charge today, and had a mistrial declared on the other five. On the other hand, he was still sentenced to a lifetime of being a punchline.

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And after the trial, John Edwards did admit he had done a I did an awful, awful lot that was wrong. If I want to find the person responsible for my sins it is me and me alone.”  But he then added, after saying he was so proud of his oldest daughter Cate for being with him throughout all this process, a statement about  “my precious Quinn who I love more than any of you could ever imagine, who I am so close to and so grateful for.”

Quinn is 4, and I feel sorry for the little girl. But John, really?  She wasn’t watching today,  (well, I hope Rielle didn’t have her watching), so you think he could have waited on that comment?   There really are two Americas, the real one, and the fantasy world John Edwards inhabits.

 

 

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