Posted tagged ‘Bloomberg jokes’

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Gonna miss you.

July 27, 2016

Another Obama speech that is so good Donald Trump may follow Melania in copying it.

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“Democracy isn’t a spectator sport.” I love this president. @BarackObama

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That moment not when candidate you worked for gets elected, but when after 8 years Americans wish he could stay longer ‪#‎Potus‬ ‪#‎BarackObama

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So how quickly can we repeal that 22nd amendment?

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In reality TV terms, ‪#‎PresidentObama‬ is making a very strong case for @realDonaldTrump not to get a rose.

‪#‎BarackObama‬ reminds us we don’t need to wait for gold medals to be proud of our country. ‪#‎USAUSAUSA‬

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Bumper sticker line of the night from ‪#‎PresidentObama‬ “Don’t boo, vote.”

 

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Michael Bloomberg “I’m from New York, I know a con when I see one.” And @realDonaldTrump responds, yeah, but which shell is the ball under?

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“We don’t look to be ruled.” Yeah, actually wasn’t that the point in the first place? ‪#‎USAUSAUSA‬ ‪#‎PresidentObama‬ ‪#‎DemConvention‬

 

Note to Donald Trump, if Americans really wanted to be ruled again we’d invite William & Kate & those adorable kids over to do it.

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#‎MichaelBloomberg‬ wins for this year’s best display of billionaire on billionaire violence.

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#‎Bloomberg‬ “This is not reality television, this is reality.” Waiting for the ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ rebuttal

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#‎TimKaine‬, “Semper fi” And ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ is ready to attack him for not speaking English. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

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#‎TimKaine‬ may not be exciting but nice job of explaining how @realDonaldTrump ‘s “Believe me” is his way of telling Americans to go f*ck themselve

 

Trump supporters saying Americans don’t care about details like his tax returns. But they do care about Hillary’s email server?

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Watching ‪#‎GabbyGiffords‬. Impressive. What a president she might have made. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

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‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ has many regular people attest to how nice she is. And ‪#‎Trump‬ had his kids say how nice he is to regular people.

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Anthony Weiner said he would come out of retirement if Donald Trump Jr. ran for mayor, and “beat him like a rented mule.” Well, so much for the PETA vote.

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So what an interesting trailer for a satirical movie, a presidential candidate of a major party asking another country to meddle in the US election. Oh wait. That was real. Never mind.

 

Just imagine the reaction if ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ or ‪#‎BarackObama‬ even joked that ‪#‎Russia‬ should hack ‪#‎RNC‬ emails for a change

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Bill O’Reilly said of the slaves who built the White House, they were “well-fed and had decent lodging.” Unlike many of the people that have labored on many of Trump’s buildings

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So I’m not loving this Donald Trump starring role in Vladimir Putin’s remake of the Manchurian Candidate. ‪#‎Russia‬ ‪#‎Emails‬

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#‎JohnHinckley‬ being released. Just think, if Jodie Foster could have come out of closet sooner Reagan and Brady would not have been shot.

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#‎SFGiants‬ having slumber party on the field for fans tonight. Hitters did not get the message it wasn’t for them too.

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Wonder how much most ‪#‎MLB‬ teams would give up to get players at trade deadlines like ‪#‎HunterPence‬, ‪#‎MattDuffy‬ & ‪#‎JoePanik‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎DL‬

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Speaking out

March 8, 2016

Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.

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The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..

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Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”

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Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”

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Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?

 

A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.

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Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.

(And okay,  if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)

 

 

Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.

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Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.

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32 pts in 1st half for ‪#‎Spurs‬ tonight in Indiana against the ‪#‎Pacers‬. That Sunday  ‪#‎Lakers‬ game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.

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Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?

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Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?

Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
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After the rose colored glasses?

March 12, 2013

Confused here, so when the Bachelor finally makes his choice do they send up a plume of rose-colored smoke?

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So the Vatican wants the Church to be more relevant in a modern age. Maybe they could increase interest in this whole Papal selection process by publishing brackets? (And warning those brackets are not for betting purposes.)

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Yesterday on “Meet the Press,” Jeb Bush referred to political reporters as “crack addict” or “heroin addicts.” Well, this ought to get media relations for his probable 2016 run off to a good start.

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Jeb Bush, when asked about the effect his family history might have on a run for the Presidency, replied “I don’t think there’s any Bush baggage at all.” And Sarah Palin commented “And they call ME stupid?!”

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A 25-year-old Seattle high school softball coach has resigned after he was caught allegedly sending female students out to get photographs and phone numbers of “cute girls” for him. Well, on the bright side, at least he wasn’t sleeping with his players.

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Not a boxing fan, but kudos to former UFC light heavyweight champion Rashad Evans: “I am a heterosexual guy in a tough macho sport, which is exactly the reason I feel a duty to say I support gay marriage and gay rights. What people overlook is that is isn’t a sex issue, its a love issue. There’s no justifiable reason for trying to get in the way of two people who love each other.”

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A bipartisan group of eight Senators has apparently come to an agreement on a path to legal status for illegal immigrants Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of eight members of the House is close to agreeing that the sun sets in the west.

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The Yankees are so desperate for temporary help due to all their injuries that they’ve reportedly talked to retired players Derrek Lee and Scott Rolen, and they’re even interested in Chipper Jones. “Hey, I’m available” chimed in Brett Favre.

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Some are comparing Mayor Bloomberg to a Nanny. But really, is that the best analogy? Remember Mary Poppins and her “spoonful of sugar?”

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A judge just tossed out New York City’s large sugary soda ban, a day before it was to take effect. Here we go through the appeals process … your tax dollars at work.

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Wonder if the court’s decision on the large sugary soda ban will last through Opening Day. Does alas wreck the excuse of  “Really, honey, I didn’t want all those beers, but they were the only large cold drinks I could get.”

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New York Mayor Bloomberg said the people who will be helped by the city’s soda restrictions will be poor people who “don’t have the ability to take care of themselves as well” as the wealthy. Can’t wait to see the next time Bloomberg meets up with Chris Christie.

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Donald Trump said today he’ll cover the costs to keep White House tours open for rest of the year. Makes sense, presume the Donald would want a sponsorship banner or sign: it’s the only way he’ll get his name on a door in the White House.

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How the other half travels: The Four Seasons in Hong Kong has a Club Level package for three night that covers garment pressing – with the note “up to six garments per day.”

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The morning after.

July 5, 2012

Parties, late-night fireworks, lots of eating and drinking…. July 5 ought to set new records for low worker productivity.

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-Newly-signed Miami Dolphins WR Chad Ochocinco just told a reporter he plans to play until he’s 40 years old. Not sure how NFL fans feel about this, but comedy writers are thrilled.

When he’s 40, will Ochocinco change his name to “cuarenta?”

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The iPad mini-pad is apparently coming out later this year. What’s next, the iPad panty liner?

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Mitt Romney, contradicting his own campaign, now says he believes the individual mandate is a tax. To be fair, Mitt IS 65. Maybe he doesn’t remember what he called it as Governor of Massachusetts.

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Got to love this, New York Mayor Bloomberg on hand to present the trophies to the winners of today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Presumably taking time out from his crusade to ban large sugary drinks.

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SF Giants flew out a day early to D.C. to acclimate to the humidity for their series with the Washington Nationals this week.   After game two thinking they should have just stayed home and enjoyed California weather.

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Steve Nash has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers.  Darn, this means I have to star rooting for Kobe.

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Apparently Kobe Bryant really wanted Nash to join the Lakers.  Guess he wanted SOMEONE who would make him look young and vigorous by comparison.

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Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder just vetoed two controversial voter ID bills passed by his fellow Republicans. saying ” the measures could create “voter confusion among absentee voters.” And the bill’s proponents are thinking angrily “Well, duh, that was part of the point.

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-This would be funnier if it weren’t so sad: Chris Collins, a congressional candidate in New York campaigning against Obamacare said: “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”

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Scott Brown ran for office against Obamacare, and has voted to repeal it. But the Senator is insuring his own daughter, 23, with the under-26 provision. Gosh, a GOP hypocrite from Massachusetts, who’d a thunk it?

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Sports fans around the world are still buzzing from Spain’ s 4-0 victory over Italy in the Euro Cup finals.

From T.C.  “Three points were awarded when a Spaniard’s kick sailed over the crossbar.”

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When you’re a Met.

June 2, 2012

Watched the replays from Johan Santana’s first ever “No-hitter” for the New York Mets. Guess this puts the Mets forever on the list of teams against fair or foul instant replay.

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Passenger on a Taiwan to Los Angeles flight last weekend were surprised to see a songbird flying down the aisle.. A flight attendant caught the bird and turned it over to Customs on arrival.. No word on what flight the bird was on, but we know it’s not an U.S.carrier – they would have charged passengers an extra music fee.

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Matt Kemp’s back on the DL, along with Troy Tulowitzki, Jered Weaver, Roy Halladay, Pablo Sandoval, etc. etc. Will this year’s MLB All Star Game be sponsored by Blue Shield?

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Just once could ESPN humor those of us sports fans who are Tigered-out and actually run a headline about who is LEADING a golf tournament, not how Woods is doing on a given day?

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My friend George was surprised to see President Obama in an Oakland library, but then realized it was a life-size cardboard cutout. Coincidentally he next ran into a life-size cardboard cutout of Romney, but then realized it was the real Mitt.

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This weekend England is celebrating their Queen’s Diamond jubilee. Wow. Who knew Elton John had been recording for 60 years?

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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Thursday New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large-sized sugary drinks. Friday he signed a proclamation marking the 75th annual National Donut Day.

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John Edwards’ baby mama Rielle Hunter has announced she has written a  soon to be released book about their love affair, titled “What really happened: John Edwards,  our daughter and me.”   Well, there is some justice after all. Looks like with their daughter Quinn,  John has been sentenced to have to deal with Rielle for the rest of his life.

 

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Well, United Airlines is finally doing something to cut the total number of  delays at Houston-Intercontinental Airport by 5 %.  They anounced they are  cutting their total number of flights by 10%

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The SEC says they want a four “best” team playoff for the college football championship. Presumably as long as the conference can have two of the four teams.

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A 32 year old, who was just named “Teacher of the Year”, at his Texas middle school has been arrested and charged with sexting with a 15-year-old girl student. Once again implying, it may not be safe to allow heterosexual teachers in the classroom.

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The Toyota Prius became the world’s third-best-selling car in the first quarter of 2012. Only third? Then how come there’s always one in front of you when you’re in a hurry on the freeway?

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Yet more “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.” A Northern California woman used a stolen credit card at a Safeway. But she used her OWN Safeway Club card to get discounts. “Thank you very much,” said the police who then arrested her at her home.

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