Posted tagged ‘steroids jokes’

Love? Zero.

August 22, 2012

A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”

The Phillies gave out  Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.

More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.

 

 

Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.

The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.

Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.

One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers”  in the bottom of the 8th.  Not saying where he wants them to go.

The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.

Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension:  “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.”  Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?

That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.

 

The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.

Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?

Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.

Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.

According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre  sure is busy.

WWW.STUPID.COM

August 20, 2012

It just gets stranger.  Now a story has emerged that Melky Cabrera hoped to use a fake website and a product that didn’t excuse, to claim that he had ordered a tainted supplement by mistake.  And thus he would not be suspended….    But, apparently the scheme was as poorly executed as his use of the testosterone.

A thought on Melky’s website idea to beat the PED charges? Wouldn’t it have been easier to say he found the supplements when he was pushed into that lifeboat?

Wonder how many other major leaguers have gotten to work on their own websites.

Ah cellphones. Hard to think that it was less than 20 years ago that if you wanted to share a long, obnoxious conservation with everyone within earshot in a public place, you actually needed to be yelling at someone right next to you.

According to the NY Post, the Red Sox are now saying a text message sent from Adrian Gonzalez’s cellphone to ownership complaining about Bobby Valentine, was really instigated by former catcher Kelly Shoppach. Ah technology – we’ve moved from “I got the stuff from his locker.” to “he used my phone.”

Rep. Todd Akin, running for Senate in Missouri, is against abortion in case of rape. But he “understands from doctors, that’s really rare. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Okay, even by Florida and Arizona standards, this dude is crazy.

Shame we can’t put Akin in a locked room with some of the men who have said “if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”?

The more I think about this Todd Akin rape-pregnancy comment, the more I’m surprised. Not that he’s a Neanderthal. But that as a candidate for the U.S. Senate he hasn’t learned to keep his more extreme beliefs quiet until after the election.

The Houston Astros, with MLB’s worst record at 39-82, fired manager Brad Mills and two coaches last night. Could have been worse, they could have made Mills stay for the whole year.

 

As the ads ramp up for the 2 months of the campaign, voters especially in swing states may to want remember this quote about Citizen United: “the most misguided, naive, uninformed, egregious decision of the United States Supreme Court I think in the 21st century.” From that noted liberal John McCain.

The rings are the thing?

August 16, 2012

 

An upcoming NY Magazine article apparently features this quote from Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa: “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.” Sounds like a couple who really deserves each other.

 

Vanessa Bryant also apparently has had some work done,but she denies it was because of Kobe. Might be true, Vanessa could be hoping to trade up to more (and more frequent) rings..

 

Arizona, bidding to take the “crazy” lead from Florida,  with an assist from Ohio:. State Sen. Lori Klein invited Ohio congressional candidate Samuel Wurzelbacher (“Joe the Plumber”) to speak at her fundraiser. Where he said the government  should “put a damn fence on the border going with Mexico and start shooting.

 

 

This year’s deficit, over $1.3 trillion. Mitt Romney says he will cut the $444 million a year the government spends on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which includes local stations and PBS. So I guess now “C is for Cookie Crumbs.”

 

“To circumvent (baseball’s PED) test is like taking candy from a baby. It’s easy to circumvent. I call it the ‘duck-and-dodge’ system. The only people that get caught are the dumb, and the dumber.” Victor Conte, quoted in USA Today.

 

Was at PNC Park in Pittsburgh today,  they introduce LA Dodgers lineup and no one even boos. What is with these people?

(and no, Todd Harris, it is NOT because the Dodgers are beloved.)

 

Sometimes a headline says all you need to know, like this one from Sfgate.com: “Girl who appeared on NBC’s Today after a ruckus over a flirty yearbook photo behaves badly at mother-daughter kegger.”

 

Over 100 FedEx workers were treated for exposure after a forklift accidentally punctured a barrel of concentrated chili peppers used to make pepper spray. Yikes. Let’s hope TSA doesn’t start categorizing Tabasco as a prohibited substance.

 

 

 

From T.C. in B.C.  – Canada achieved just 1 gold medal this Olympics.  Good news is there’s a Ontario Great Lakes Org attempting to get “Polluted Beach Volleyball” added to the 2016 events.

I don’t know, T.C. what about Beach Curling?

 

 

 

 

and a short op-ed from my friend Todd Harris, who is right about many things if not his baseball team.

 

“So the Dow is steadily over 13,000 for the first time in about four years. The housing market (at least in California) is rebounding. Unemployment is inching down. We have a system in place for health care for everyone. The auto industry has been restored and banks (deservedly or not) have been saved. The wars that were burning us four years ago are ramping down. And we have a smart, caring, relatable, and steady guy at the helm who respects the rights of everyone, particularly women and minorities. Oh, and he’s for renewable energy and affordable education for all. And we should trade this out because?”

 

 

 

The ring’s the thing.

April 10, 2011

So on a night that the SF Giants get their rings, Barry Bonds, tainted by allegations of cheating, is conspicuously absent.   But the Giants give a ring to Hall of Famer Gaylord Perry.

 

A little more irony on a Bonds-free celebration night at A T and T park. The game winning hit came from Miguel Tejada. Who in 2009 pled guilty in federal court to lying to  Congress about his knowledge of other players using steroids. (And admitted using them himself.)

The San Jose Sharks have wrapped up the number two seed  in the playoffs.  Of course, with the team’s playoff history isn’t this like having a first class berth on the Titanic.

After three rounds in the Masters, no American is higher than eighth place. (Bo Van Pelt.)   It’s not just that golf no longer has Tiger Woods as a superstar, but the game is turning into soccer.

Yes, it’s still early, but these are tough times for baseball fans in Boston. Even Cubs fans are sending sympathy notes.

Tiger Woods has had problems with a number of short putts today at the Masters. Which seems particularly strange to long-time Tiger watchers. It’s never been a problem for Woods putting it into a lot of holes.

An Alaska Airlines flight bound for Hawaii turned around and landed safely in Sacramento when a bird struck an engine. Beginning to wonder how long it will be until PETA comes out against air travel as being dangerous for birds.

 

Glad that a government shutdown was avoided. But in that list of “non-essential employees,” how did they not include Congress?

While Liberals are generally not thrilled with the budget compromises, Tea Party members are so annoyed with Speaker of the House John Boehner, who they believe sold out their principles, that they are talking about a primary challenger for him.

Somewhere,  Nancy Pelosi must be giggling.

Another one bites the dust…

August 17, 2010

Latest sports oxymoron – Dodgers closer.

(A Los Angeles friend of mine says he has gotten so fed up he wants to see the team go for the record of the most different players to blow a save in one year.)


The World Anti-Doping Agency chief John Fahey was quoted as saying that Major League Baseball is “misleading” the public by not instituting a “transparent and rigorous drug testing program.”

Fahey added that “the integrity of the game will eventually be called into question.” With all due respect, where has he been for the last five years?


At this point, isn’t questioning the integrity of Major League Baseball under Bud Selig like questioning Tiger Woods’ ability to be a role model?


Protesters in Washington urged Bud Selig to move the All-Star game from Arizona in 2011 due to the immigration bill, but Selig said he doesn’t want to get involved in a “political issue.” “Political issue?” – Heck, as the steroids saga and the As attempted move to San Jose have shown, Bud doesn’t want to get involved with ANY issue

Glen Coffee, 23, abruptly retired from the 49ers saying he no longer wanted to play football, and there are rumors he wants to go into the ministry. I don’t know, what better way to get people praying on Sunday than to play for a team with Alex Smith at quarterback?


Or for 49ers fans, a different version.

If Coffee really wants people to pray on Sunday he should wait and see if he can hook up with whatever team finally gets desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell.

Debi Thomas, the 1986 World Champion and 1988 Olympic bronze medalist is now a surgeon but has plans to skate again professionally. She and other former stars are coming out of retirement for a December show “A Salute to the Golden Age of American Skating Dec. 11.” The show’s working subtitle? “You punks get off our ice.”.


So after getting himself arrested for an altercation with his father-in-law, K-Rod will now need season-ending surgery for an torn finger ligament he apparently sustained during that fight. Good thing the Mets don’t have any important games left to close.


Prop 8 backers in California filed papers today arguing that “gay marriages would harm the state’s interest in promoting responsible procreation through heterosexual marriage.” I guess these people never heard of “Octomom?”


“Eat, Pray, Love” took in over $23 million this weekend at the box office. With an announced audience that included 28 percent men. Shouldn’t that be 28 men, period?

Father’s Day?

January 22, 2010

John Edwards has admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. So while he was talking about “Two Americas,” who knew he was having children in both of them?


Now that Edwards has admitted paternity of his mistress’s child, one question comes to mind: How long before potential Tiger cubs surface?

Shaquille O’Neal wants to save the NBA’s All-Star dunk contest by making it a benefit with superstars for Haiti. Yo, Shaq, really want to get some donations. Get pledges based on how long it would take you to hit a certain number free throws in a row. (And then learn to shoot them.)


More thoughts about Tiger. When does a man realize he’s a sex addict? When he gets caught.

John Edwards says he wants to give his new acknowledged daughter the “love and attention” she deserves. Which if you’ve seen her baby pictures should be easy….she’s the next closest thing to John looking in a mirror.


Ferguson Jenkins says Mark McGwire owes an apology to “all the pitchers he faced while juiced.” While I’m not a steroids fan, does that mean that Roger Clemens et al also owe an apology to all the batters THEY faced while juiced? .


In California, Republican gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner has “lent” $19 million to his campaign, while Meg Whitman has “lent” her campaign $39 million. And both of them say they should be elected governor so they can cut down on state spending.


John McCain’s wife Cindy has come out in favor of gay marriage. Conservatives are not thrilled. On the other hand, they are relieved to hear a Republican “coming out” story that has nothing to do with airport bathrooms.

How do you Twitter that Twitter is down…?

August 7, 2009

Twitter and Facebook were both down on Thursday morning. In a stunning development, millions of teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.


Twitter and Facebook were both down for a while Thursday morning. Which meant that millions of Americans had to remember how to drive with both hands on the wheel.

Our appendixes have evolved into a useless body part over the years. Does that mean if Twitter, texts, Facebook and other sites continue to grow, that someday vocal cords will be in the same category.


Twitter was shut down this morning when their servers were overwhelmed by an attack. Either that or it was Joe Biden trying to share one of his speeches, 140 characters at a time.



Bud Black, manager of the last place San Diego Padres, just signed a contract extension for 2010. Black professed himself “excited and flattered.” The Padres said they were excited and flattered that anyone would take the job.

Question for the day. If so many over-the-counter supplements are tainted with steroids, why don’t more Americans appear to be in better shape?


One argument against steroids is that they take away from otherwise level playing field in Major League Baseball. In other news, today, the Yankees traded for yet another $2 million backup starting pitcher.


David Ortiz will call a press conference Saturday to discuss his positive 2003 test results. Early favorites in the pool include “a tainted supplement,” “borrowed from a teammate” and “I forget how speak English.”


Guillermo Mota of the Dodgers and Prince Fielder of the Brewers were both fined after Mota hit Fielder with a pitch Wednesday, and the Milwaukee first basemanl tried to come after the pitcher in the Los Angeles dugout. One question to Mota, who apparently hit Fielder in retaliation for Manny Ramirez being grazed by a pitcher earlier.. “if you were going for payback, wouldn’t it have been smarter not to hit the biggest player on the team?”


From Bill Littlejohn.

Antigua’s highest peak was renamed Mount Obama, after the U.S. President. Before the Gates-Crowley affair, it was just a molehill”

Was the Easter Bunny on steroids?

April 13, 2009

You might wonder if your Easter Bunny was on steroids if…

If you follow hippity hoppity down the bunny trail there are divits the size of potholes…

Somebunny actually figured out a way to squash your Easter Marshmellow Peeps.  (Which normally will outlive us all.)

Surveillance cameras show a creature with ears in proportion to a very large head.

Kids say his performance far  surpasses that of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

All remaining Santa images in the house have been destroyed it what looks like a jealous rage?

His new slogan “Chicks dig the long ears?”

And then, as suggested by Bill Littlejohn, “hare loss.”