Posted tagged ‘Twitter jokes’

So when is spring training?

November 2, 2017

I miss baseball. That is all.

Men who are Dodgers fans can perhaps at least console themselves with watching Kate Upton w/ her fiance at Astros victory parade?

Ugh, Texans QB Deshaun Watson suffered a torn ACL in practice. Is God really pushing this year for Kaepernick to get signed somewhere?

Notre Dame announced it will stop covering birth control for students, faculty & staff. Did someone tell the football team?

Innocent until proven guilty. But many powerful men being accused of sexual harassment are in He Said/She said/She said/She Said situations.

So Jeff Sessions, 71, admits to lying under oath. Well, since he can’t claim youthful indiscretion will he claim “senior moment?”

New hidden chamber just discovered in the Pyramid of Giza. Was it the site for the first broadcast of “Larry King Live?”

 

Thinking right about now better for Dems to focus on 2017 elections NEXT WEEK than 2016 elections.

Wonder how many reasons Rick Perry can give for his claim that fossil fuels prevent sexual assault?

 

Politics is messy. But lot of folks slamming @HillaryClinton for dredging up election to sell a book don’t have problem W/ @donnabrazile.

In a time when America needs heroes, who knew an unlikely one might be the now former Twitter employee who deleted Trump’s Twitter account?

3 dead in apparently random mass shooting at Colorado Walmart. Not terrorism of course because alleged shooter is white man. #Murica

Challenge anyone to say – with a straight face – that repealing the Alternative Minimum Tax or the Estate Tax is helping the middle class. #TaxCuts

Sam Clovis withdrew from consideration to be USDA top scientist over Mueller investigation. Not fact that he knows nothing about science.

Not I’m against NYC terrorist potentially getting death penalty but since we do need jurors for trial not good idea for @POTUS to tweet it.

Somebody doesn’t know me very well. This invite in my email in-box this morning: Headline “You’re invited!”
The Trump Hotels Travel Specialist course is an accredited online education tool dedicated to familiarizing you with our growing portfolio of luxury hotels in top locations, gateway cities and international destinations. We invite you to learn more about our superior travel experience, customized service, and Trump Hotels’ standard of excellence.

#NotTheOnion From USA Today: Other members of Mar-a-Lago, including South Florida businessman Patrick Park, have said they were promised ambassadorships in Trump administration.

Earlier this year, Park told The Palm Beach Post that he had received a handwritten note from Trump promising him the top diplomatic post in Austria — the setting of “The Sound of Music,” a favorite musical.

“I know every single word and song by heart,” he told the Post. “I’ve always wanted to live in the Von Trapp house.” Park had not been nominated as of early Thursday afternoon.

You can go home again?

July 19, 2017

SF Giants have a lot of unsold hats in storage. The prodigal Panda returns?

Pablo Sandoval actually says he’s had “a few teams” interested.  Is he talking baseball or competitive eating?

 

But hey,  today was a good day for Giants fans.  Because we all had lineup of Span, Gomez, Belt, Crawford, Gillaspie, Hundley, Tomlinson,Hernandez & Cain giving SF a 2 game win streak.

Rockies scored 18 runs, 17 through 6 innings against the Padres.  Do we even have to ask where the game is played?   #CoorsField

Bartolo Colon,  44, says he is contemplating retirement. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.

Jaguars DE Dante Fowler Jr. was arrested in Florida last night on charges of “simple battery and mischief.” Is he trying to get traded to the Cowboys?

While airlines will employ tighter security on in-cabin laptops for flights from Europe, a proposed ban will not happen, and the temporary ban on such devices with Mideast airlines has been rescinded.
Just goes to show that even security theater is no match for high-paying business travelers and angry parents facing prospects of 12 hour flights with un-entertained children.

For five dollars, Heinz now selling “Chicago Dog Sauce” made with tomatoes & spices. In other words, “ketchup.” Wonder if they’d sell more if they charged ten dollars.

While I didn’t and wouldn’t vote for him, sad news with John McCain’s brain cancer.  And for a rare moment of remembering life on the high road:  http://www.politico.com/story/2008/10/mccain-obama-not-an-arab-crowd-boos-014479

Hoping like Jimmy Carter, John McCain successfully fights brain cancer. And comes out of it w/ new appreciation for pre-existing conditions.

#CBO says repealing Obamacare w/out replacement would lead to 32 million uninsured. Well, death is one way to suppress votes.

 

Trump has declined an invitation to speak at NAACP’s annual convention this weekend. Of course, it would interfere with his golf game.

As a sign of leadership why doesn’t @realDonaldTrump vow not to leave the White House on weekends until a healthcare bill is passed?

“The Dems scream death as OCare dies!”  No, not an entry into the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.  This line was written by the President of the United States.

And once again, the Onion is going “We give up.”

1 in 3 Trump voters don’t believe Don Jr. met w// Russians even though he admitted it. Probably most of the 1/3 think Russians were at Trump Tower to meet Hillary.

The National Enquirer now claiming that the whole Russia collusion story is the fault of Hillary Clinton and her friends trying to bring down the Trump family. How long until Trump gives the Enquirer White House press credentials?

 

In a NY Times interview, Trump on Russia- – “Sessions should have never recused himself, and if he was going to recuse himself, he should have told me before he took the job and I would have picked somebody else.”
How long until Trump tweets angrily about #fakequotes?

Those were the days….

March 5, 2017

 

Miss good old days when sleeping late Sat. this time of year meant only craziness you might miss involved March Madness #TrumpTower #wiretap

 

Ah for the days when the most hate you could see on a March saturday was just Duke vs. NC.

Remember when the most trouble we could imagine a President could get into with a smartphone was Bill Clinton sexting?

At least some things don’t changed. The Spurs have clinched their 20th straight playoff berth.

 

Warriors have lost two regular season games in a row. Fortunately there’s a cure for that – it’s called “Playing the Knicks.”

Do Trump supporters now think Obama learned how to do wiretapping in Kenya?

 

Not sure if there’s Colin Powell equivalent in Moscow. But watching Trump & US, wonder what Russian is for “you break it you buy it.

ABC News is reporting Trump went “ballistic” over Sessions’ recusal. Compared to normal, how could they tell?

“the very sacred election process” Does anyone believe @realDonaldTrump tweeted that with a straight face? #wiretap

 

 

How long has it been since most of America was so eagerly awaiting an @SNL cold open? Thanks @realDonaldTrump

 

But let’s be serious for a minute. If anyone who is undocumented is a victim of a crime, sees a crime, or even hears of a potential crime, what possible reason now do they have to come forward to talk to the police?

Flat and flat we go.

February 17, 2017

Kyrie Irving, who attended Duke, stated, “This is not a conspiracy theory. The Earth is flat.” If this doesn’t shatter myth of student athletes….

Chris Christie, on NY Sports radio declared “The Phillies suck.” In a tweet, the Phillies responded “We love our fans and appreciate their unwavering support as we “bridge” to a bright future! #wellplayed

Angry conservatives trashing Boston #Berklee college of music since they mistake if for Berkeley. Even Stanford fans going really? #spelling

Michael Floyd, released by the Arizona Cardinals after his arrest for “Extreme DUI,” but signed by the Patriots, has been sentenced to 120 days in jail. But he still gets his ring. Yeah, this will teach him.

New Trump martini: Stoli Ohranj with lots of bitters. After two you blame everyone who reminds you of what you said.

Trump rules. All of our White House memos are magic. Once they are leaked they become fake.

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CNN reports Shemichael Singleton, one of HUD Secretary Ben Carson’s top aides, has been fired after an article surfaced that he wrote before the election criticizing Donald Trump.
Uh, if criticizing Trump before the election is disqualifying, there’s going to be a long unemployment line in Washington.

Trump administration is denying an AP report that as many as 100,000 members of the National Guard may be deployed to round up undocumented people in 11 Western states.
What really gives the story the ring of truth, notice “Western” states. Heaven forbid Trump,a die-hard East Coaster, would do anything to affect his or his friends’ businesses.

.-

Apparently retail spending up in US. Makes sense, Trump supporters think he’s going to MAGA, rest of us think if world is ending spend away.

John McCain trashed Trump today in a Munich speech. Gosh, if a Senator only had some actual power to register a statement against the President.

 

New Trump martini: Stoli Ohranj with lots of bitters. After two you blame everyone who reminds you of what you said.

Leaving the lights on.

November 28, 2016

So this year it’s the “Motel 6 Cactus Bowl,” on Dec. 27 in Phoenix. Do the winners all get a free night at a Motel 6, and the losers get two nights?

 

The Big Ten reprimanded Jim Harbaugh and fined Michigan $10,000 after Harbaugh complained bitterly about the officiating Saturday. A small excerpt “Two penalties called all day [on Ohio State “Multiple holding penalties let go, multiple false starts…”
So wonder if Wolverine backers already have a Gofundme account set up to pay the fines?

Ohio State could make the College Football Playoff without winning their own division.   Would that make them an honorary member of the SEC?

 

A United flight from San Francisco to Tokyo had to return to the airport today following an engine failure after takeoff. No word about potential compensation for passengers, or about a future “engine” fee.

Hoping the attacker ends up  the only fatality on OSU campus today. But my immediate bus-to-hell thought “Dudes, you won the game.”

That and “anyone seen Harbaugh this morning?.” #morebustohell

Trump supporter NY Rep. Chris Collins today “”What do I know about Mitt Romney? I know that he’s a self-serving egomaniac who puts himself first, who has a chip on his shoulder, and thinks that he should be president of the United States.”
Does this even need a punchline?

 

Trump is threatening to “terminate” deal that Obama made with Cuba. Does he realize even his supporters like cigars and rum?

Apparently Twitter users are going after Ivanka Trump after she posted a picture of her youngest child, with the caption “I cannot believe Theodore is 8 months old today. Happy Birthday Little Teddy Bear.”
But come on, we all know the Trumps are so special they get birthdays every month. #onlythelittlepeoplejustgetonebirthday

The NY Times reports that Steve Bannon talked to Julia Jones, a former partner on a Reagan film project, about “genetic superiority,” and “the desirability of limiting the vote to property owners.”
Ah yes, building that bridge to the 18th century

 

Trump is naming Georgia Rep. and Obamacare critic Tom Price as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Price tweeted “House Republicans’ #BetterWay plan will protect the principles of health care: Accessibility, Affordability, Quality, Innovation, & Choices.”.
Okay, fine, but how come all these GOP critics never thought health care needed reforming until Dems actually passed the ACA?

 

 

 

Got to love this one forwarded to me by Roberta.

In addition to winning the 1967 Stanley Cup, the Maple Leafs won all subsequent Cups if you deduct the dozens of teams who won illegally

Out of bounds?

October 27, 2016

If the Raiders head to Las Vegas, Oakland still might not be without a team.  At this point Santa Clara/SF might ask them to “take our 49ers, please.”

The NFL wonders why ratings are down. Lots of complicated hypotheses – but then there are simple answers – like tonight’s nationally televised game – Jaguars vs. Titans. #nobodycares

Twitter is shutting down #Vine. Advantage of being slow to adopt new technologies, wait long enough & some of it disappears before you get around to it.

#Twitter announced they are laying off 9% of their workers. Does this mean we’ll soon be down to 127 characters?

Mike #Pence campaign plane skidded off runway at #LaGuardia. No details but pretty sure it didn’t veer to the left.#Trump

Earlier today Mike Pence was asked if there was a “red line” Trump could cross that might cause him to leave the GOP ticket. His answer “We’re in this campaign and we’re in it to win,” Translation, “no.”

(Maybe Pence should have told his pilot about red lines on the runway?)

 

A Texas A&M freshman was arrested after she allegedly opened her blouse to take a Snapchat picture to send to her boyfriend.  While allegedly drunk. And driving. Until she  crashed her car… into a police car.  No injuries. But another Darwin award #misseditbythatmuch

More than $5 million worth of cocaine washed ashore in a tube in Ireland. Talk about a high tide.

 

The GOP is already promising blocked Supreme Court nominees and Congressional investigations if Hillary Clinton wins on Nov. 8. Or as President Obama calls it, business as usual.

Ted Cruz’s latest “there is long historical precedent for a Supreme Court with fewer justices.” For such a self-described constitutionalist, Ted sure seems to have skipped the “advise and consent” part.

Former Congressman Joe Walsh tweeted out “On November 8th, I’m voting for Trump. On November 9th, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket. You in?”
Ah yes, that GOP bridge to the 18th century.

 

At Ohio rally today, @realDonaldTrump “we should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump.” Would be funnier if he were joking.

Some reports on the Mike Pence plane semi-crash landing at La Guardia are that the plane was moving too fast in the rain, and overshot the runway. But hey so, it was only ordinary travelers who were delayed and taxpayer dollars will no doubt pay for the cleanup and investigation. #MakeAmericaGreatforBillionairesagain

At Rapid City’s airport, a SkyWest Airlnes pilot was arrested for alleged DUI before he was scheduled to fly a plane. Will his defense be that he really aspired to work for Delta?

 

Donald Trump said today NBC’s releasing the Billy Bush tape “was “certainly illegal, no question about it.,” and indicated he might sue.
But of course all the Wikileaks emails involving Hillary Clinton are pure freedom of speech….

 

Kansas Rep. Joe Seiwert, commenting about singer Denasia Lawrence kneeling down before a basketball game “I’m so sick of these anti-American blacks, f–k Black Live Matter. Go back to where you claim home”
Thinking a whole lot of Native Americans are thinking, “Back at ya.”

Sometimes you wonder why any sane person would ever go into politics. Here’s partial Wikileak quote from Huma Abedin on Hillary planning to speak about a Super Pac issue with Jeb Bush. “She’s going to stick to notes a little closer this am, still not perfect in her head”
Okay, I’ve only done a little speaking, but seems reasonable, when you don’t have something down cold, and you don’t want to make mistakes, you use notes. And conservative sites are saying “not perfect in her head” means she has an illness affecting her brain.

Stop the presses.

September 20, 2016

Angelina Jolie  has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. Waiting for Trump to blame it on a Clinton plot to take him out of the headlines.

 

Can we blame the #Brangelina breakup on gay marriage?

So what time is the party at #JenniferAnniston‘s house?

 

Since I’ve been talking about definition of insanity, guess I must ask myself, what is being an #SFGiants fan this September still watching the 9th inning?

Tim Tebow apparently hit a home run in minor league BP. The question is, can he pitch? #SFGiants are desperate enough in 9th inning they might want someone with God on his side.

 

The Lakers have 500 to 1 odds to win their NBA division. Amazing. So wonder how much those odds got lowered by Vegas’s proximity to Los Angeles?

 

Some question why since the FBI looked into the alleged NYC bomber 2 years ago they didn’t figure out he might be a terrorist. The more that comes out about why and how much the plot failed, maybe they figured the guy was too STUPID to be a terrorist.

The Washington Post is reporting that Donald Trump spent more than $250,000 from his foundation to settle lawsuits involving his businesses. I am sure this is somehow Hillary Clinton’s fault.

One of today’s tweets. Once again, how Presidential of him. ‏@realDonaldTrump – “Do people notice Hillary is copying my airplane rallies – she puts the plane behind her like I have been doing from the beginning.”

 

Trump taunted Hillary today on Twitter because Clinton had no public events scheduled: “Hillary Clinton is taking the day off again, she needs the rest. Sleep well Hillary — see you at the debate!”
Of course if Hillary were campaigning nonstop this week he’d taunt her with something about either not listening to her doctors or having faked pneumonia. #bewarethenastyOrangeSkittle

Another Trump tweet “Once again someone we were told is ok turns out to be a terrorist who wants to destroy our country & its people- how did he get thru system?” – Uh, alleged bomber Rahami moved here when he was seven years old.
And if we are talking system failures how did the Charleston and Sandy Hook killers get guns? For starters.

 

Donald Trump is already complaining about, the moderator of the 1st Presidential debate, By the way, “Lester (Holt) is a Democrat They’re all Democrats.”
Time magazine looked at NY voter registration, and Holt has been a registered Republican since 2003.
#Whyconfuseagoodstrategywiththefacts?