Posted tagged ‘bus to hell jokes’

Leaving the lights on.

November 28, 2016

So this year it’s the “Motel 6 Cactus Bowl,” on Dec. 27 in Phoenix. Do the winners all get a free night at a Motel 6, and the losers get two nights?

 

The Big Ten reprimanded Jim Harbaugh and fined Michigan $10,000 after Harbaugh complained bitterly about the officiating Saturday. A small excerpt “Two penalties called all day [on Ohio State “Multiple holding penalties let go, multiple false starts…”
So wonder if Wolverine backers already have a Gofundme account set up to pay the fines?

Ohio State could make the College Football Playoff without winning their own division.   Would that make them an honorary member of the SEC?

 

A United flight from San Francisco to Tokyo had to return to the airport today following an engine failure after takeoff. No word about potential compensation for passengers, or about a future “engine” fee.

Hoping the attacker ends up  the only fatality on OSU campus today. But my immediate bus-to-hell thought “Dudes, you won the game.”

That and “anyone seen Harbaugh this morning?.” #morebustohell

Trump supporter NY Rep. Chris Collins today “”What do I know about Mitt Romney? I know that he’s a self-serving egomaniac who puts himself first, who has a chip on his shoulder, and thinks that he should be president of the United States.”
Does this even need a punchline?

 

Trump is threatening to “terminate” deal that Obama made with Cuba. Does he realize even his supporters like cigars and rum?

Apparently Twitter users are going after Ivanka Trump after she posted a picture of her youngest child, with the caption “I cannot believe Theodore is 8 months old today. Happy Birthday Little Teddy Bear.”
But come on, we all know the Trumps are so special they get birthdays every month. #onlythelittlepeoplejustgetonebirthday

The NY Times reports that Steve Bannon talked to Julia Jones, a former partner on a Reagan film project, about “genetic superiority,” and “the desirability of limiting the vote to property owners.”
Ah yes, building that bridge to the 18th century

 

Trump is naming Georgia Rep. and Obamacare critic Tom Price as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Price tweeted “House Republicans’ #BetterWay plan will protect the principles of health care: Accessibility, Affordability, Quality, Innovation, & Choices.”.
Okay, fine, but how come all these GOP critics never thought health care needed reforming until Dems actually passed the ACA?

 

 

 

Got to love this one forwarded to me by Roberta.

In addition to winning the 1967 Stanley Cup, the Maple Leafs won all subsequent Cups if you deduct the dozens of teams who won illegally

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Holiday cheer hangover?

December 27, 2015

Apparently the 3rd biggest Kickstarter Campaign of 2015 was a card game called “Exploding Kittens.” For all those who find “Cards Against Humanity” just a little too PC?

 

A new Al Jazeera report names several prominent athletes including Peyton Manning, Ryan Howard and Ryan Zimmerman as having received HGH. Thinking again it’s about time to put a big asterisk outside the Hall of Fame(s) and be done with it.

In Texas, three grocery stores, including local chain H.E.B., Whole Foods and Safeway, have said they will opt out of the state’s new open-carry law, which takes effect Jan 1. So folks who like to police their fellow shoppers will just have to find another way to enforce that “15 items or less” rule.

At LaGuardia Airport, after reports of smoke coming from a Spirit Airlines aircraft, more than 200 passengers were evacuated without injury. Even though many disobeyed flight attendant instructions to leave their carry-on bags on the plane.
How foolish, leaving aside the safety issues no doubt Spirit would have charged them another fee to bring the bags back on board.

 

The Philadelphia Eagles not only gave away the game tonight with all their penalties and turnovers, they probably took away a potential  classic great Internet meme featuring the Kirk Cousins “knee doesn’t quite equal spike” play.

Groupon is offering a deal for half price on two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts. So you can get a head star on breaking your New Year’s resolutions.

Cellphones do allow us to do many things easier and more quickly, including qualifying for Darwin awards: In San Diego a man who was looking at his phone on Christmas Day just walked off a cliff. Literally. Hope the guy’s friends and family kept the receipts for his presents. ‪#‎bustohell‬

FSU senior QB Everett Golson, who transfered after last season from Notre Dame, and then got demoted mid-season, did not travel with the team to Atlanta for the Peach Bowl for “personal reasons.”
Just guessing that the reasons involve Golson not starting?

Snow. Lots of snow. At ‪#‎Sunbowl‬ in El Paso, Texas. Cue the hell freezing over comments.

Duke-Indiana today in the Pinstripe Bowl. Wonder how many viewers saw the matchup, tuned in, and were disappointed when they learned it wasn’t college basketball?

Two Cleveland Browns were arrested last night. after a traffic stop for speeding, one for DUI. one for Adderall without a prescription.. Police also found a gun in the car.  The team is both disappointed and relieved: Johnny Manziel was not involved

Big brother Max now has a bowl win at Duke. Time for Christian McCaffery to hold up his end of the family in the Rose Bowl. ‪#‎GoStanford‬

Nebraska and UCLA ended up in the Foster Farms Bowl at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA, while Duke and Indiana got the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium. Who knew that the Blue Devils and Hoosiers would get to spend Christmas in warm weather?

So was ‪#‎UCLA‬‘s excuse for tonight’s ‪#‎FosterFarmsBowl‬ that the weather is more like ‪#‎Nebraska‬ in December than California?

 

Donald Trump apparently spent Christmas in Palm Beach.  Makes sense, the Donald wanted to find a state to optimize his chances of not being the craziest person in the room.

A 24 year old tourist from Pakistan is now staying at Rikers Island instead of the Sheraton Brooklyn. He got frustrated over a check-in delay and allegedly said there’s a “bomb in there” about his luggage. (There wasn’t)
If true, the guy may not be charged with terrorism, but with criminal stupidity.

 

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “Tesla announced they are two years away from a driverless car. And BMW is three years away from a douche-bag-less car.”

The lady might be really feeling green

November 17, 2015

 

Sadly ironic- “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” is written on our most famous gift from France.

 

 

The Raiders’ Aldon Smith was reportedly shocked today when the NFL suspended him for a year for violating their substance abuse policy. This after the LB’s Aug 6 DUI arrest, his 5th arrest since 2012.
Guess Smith thought he still had some cap room under the league’s “10 strikes and you’re out” policy.

On a brighter Bay Area note,  Brandon Crawford, home-grown, 6 years, $75 million, no-trade clause. Well-played, SF Giants, well-played.

David Ortiz says he will retire after the 2016 season. Other teams are hoping Pablo Sandoval doesn’t say he will make the same decision – they couldn’t afford the farewell tour banquets.

Bobby Jindal says he is dropping out of the 2016 Presidential race. The most upset people? Louisianans. Now for the remainder of his term, Jindal’s got no reason to leave the state.

More Jindal ““I’ve come to the realization this is not my time.” Maybe he should have said “I’ve come to the realization that this is not my century?

An Ohio woman pleaded guilty to aggravated assault after being accused of stabbing her boyfriend when he ate all the salsa. Really? Who stabs someone for eating salsa. Now, had he finished off all the chocolate, completely justifiable.

 

Donald Trump said today that with Syrian refugees, President Obama is sending “them to the Republicans, not to the Democrats, you know because they know the problem.” Guess the Donald thinks that Ben Carson has been making too many inroads lately into his “crazy” vote.

Meanwhile, Chris Christie, saying he would not even allow Syrian orphans under five into the U.S. “You now, they have no family here. How are we going to care for these folks?” Again, three words, “pro-life my ass.

 

Three men and a woman who appeared to be of middle easternt descent, and with several carry-on bags, were removed from a Spirit Airlines flight for “suspicious activity,” and are being questioned in Baltimore.
Well, makes sense, with all their fees, who’s crazy enough to bring several carry-on bags on Spirit Airlines?

“What the United States has done is to be open to people who are fleeing tyranny, who are fleeing danger, but we have done it in a very careful way that has worked for us.” Yeah, just another commie pinko speaking out. Wait, this was Condoleeza Rice, saying she hopes the U.S. will be “open and welcoming” to refugees. Never mind.

 

Turtle experts in Marin have confirmed the sighting of a rare green sea turtle from Mexico in California’s San Joaquin river, possibly lured by warmer El Nino waters. So will Trump be railing against the immigrant turtle? At least he (or she) really is a wetback.

American Airlines has announced they are “evolving to build a rewarding (AAdvantage) program for all members, while giving our best customers access to our most exclusive benefits.” Translation, we’re going to start making sure our free tickets and upgrades mostly go to those who could afford to pay for them anyway.

 

 

 

Wow. Just wow. This from conservative commentator Ben Stein about President Obama “I don’t think there’s much question that he does not wish America well. He has a real strong hatred of America”
So are any of the GOP candidates going to have a John McCain moment and say, “Enough?”
Heaven knows I and other liberals wanted Bush out of office, but can’t remember a liberal commentator ever saying that he hated his own country. ‪#‎overtheline‬

And finally, really?   Channel 2 in the SF Bay Area did a story on the risks of Americans studying abroad, focusing on the death of the young California woman in Paris. And exactly how many students have been killed this year on US campuses?
Heck, for that matter, leaving crime aside, six Irish students died this year in a Berkeley balcony collapse. ‪#‎nosuchthingascompletesafety‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

On fire?

May 16, 2015

cincy

So all it really took for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ bats to heat up in Cincinnati is for the ballpark to catch fire?

As we approach the 2016 election many Americans are supporting Jeb hoping he won’t repeat his brother’s presidency.. Or supporting Hillary hoping she will repeat her husband’s. ‪#‎Itsallrelative‬

A new study sponsored by Microsoft found that humans now have shorter attention spans than goldfish. Oh look, a kitten….

 

As a regular driver on the bus to hell, still have to wonder, what if we could have only sent critically injured and now convicted Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s to a random HMO hospital, maybe we wouldn’t be facing the current death penalty controversy?

I understand that vigilante justice is a bad idea, and I understand that jury trials are a right. But how many millions of dollars did we spend saving the life of Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, and on his trial, and how many more millions will be spent on the death penalty appeals.?

A new study sponsored by Microsoft found that humans now have shorter attention spans than goldfish. Oh look, a kitten….

Fox News guest Gavin Mcinnes: “The big picture here is, women do earn less in America because they choose to… They’re less ambitious, and I think this is sort of God’s way, this is nature’s way of saying women should be at home with the kids — they’re happier there.” So which GOP Presidential candidate will hire McInnes first as a cultural adviser?

So apparently Dakota Meyer, Bristol Palin’s fiance, married another woman in 2008. No word on when they split up. But just wondering, would Sarah and others in the GOP support a religious bakery owner’s right not to make a cake for a divorced man?

 

So now there are rumors, rumors only, that Bristol Palin’s fiance may STILL be married to another woman. As someone who tries to be a decent human being, I hope the rumors are wrong. As a bus to hell comedy writer….

Hoping for ‪#‎PaulPierce‬‘s sake that during last brilliant 3-point shot attempt he didn’t pause for a split second to call “game.” ‪#‎ATLvsWAS‬

So the Stanford Band has been banned from 2015 road trips, for off-field infractions including “an annual trip in which some band members used illegal substances.” Am sure it’s just coincidence that this year’s Cardinal away games include visits to Colorado and Washington State.

 

So some outrage over ABC’s George Stephanopoulos having contributed to the Clinton Foundation. Guess I missed the outrage from the same folks over Fox News’ Rupert Murdoch’s and Roger Ailes’s donations?

 

All the commissioner’s men?

September 10, 2014

40 + years after Watergate and folks still haven’t figured out, coverups are almost always worse than the crime. From the AP: ” A law enforcement official says he sent a video of Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee to an NFL executive three months ago, while league officers have insisted they didn’t see the violent images until this week. The person played The Associated Press a 12-second voicemail from an NFL office number on April 9 confirming the video arrived. A female voice expresses thanks and says: “You’re right. It’s terrible.”

This #RayRice #Goodell mess shows what comes of allowing openly heterosexual men in the #NFL

So the NFL may soon be looking for a new toady to do the owners’ bidding at all times. “I’m available soon” said Bud Selig.

Roger Goodell says his job is not on the line. Because the NFL commissioner doesn’t think there is any video of him looking at the Ray Rice elevator video?

Got to love targeted ads. I’ve been posting enough on Ray Rice that now I’m getting Facebook ads about men who are looking for girlfriends…..

 

 

Scotland is voting on declaring independence from the United Kingdom next week. Whether it works or not maybe someone can give the instructions for such a referendum to Texas Governor Rick Perry.

Jeremy Lin apparently pranked people last month at Madame Tussaud’s by pretending to be a wax statue. Even so Lin looked more mobile than James Harden.

 

Five casinos in Atlantic City have closed or are planning to close by November of this year. And today Chris Christie announced he will issue a directive to allow sports betting in New Jersey. And they say President Obama is slow to react in a crisis.

 

The former Senior VP for ticket sales for the NY Mets is suing co-owner Jeff Wilpon of discriminating against her because she was having a baby without being married. But really, what was she thinking? That kind of behavior should be reserved for the players

A new study links benzodiazepines like Xanax and Valium with dementia. Great, one more thing to feel anxious about.

Budweiser is apparently testing a new campaign to allow people to send vouchers for free Bud Light on Facebook. Cool, now when people get in heated arguments on threads, they can be drunk too.

 

Justin Bieber stripped down to his underwear during a NY Fashion Week event, to boos and some cheers. The cheers presumably were “Put it on, put it on, put it ALL back on.”

 

 

Wow. Client asks me for the latest flight of the day out of D.C. to her chosen destination. I suggest a flight at 729p. She says, great, but is there a later flight in case I miss it? #facepalm

 

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger Monday at his portrait unveiling in Sacramento. “I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to do in office.” Everything or everyone?

Fast times?

August 13, 2014

Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been charged with reckless driving for doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone in Virginia’s Fairfax County. Locals are shocked. With D.C. area traffic, they didn’t think there was anywhere you could get going that fast..

(Meanwhile in Los Angeles the Dodgers are thinking “Nobody tell Puig”)

Justin Bieber avoided a DUI conviction by pleading guilty today to misdemeanor charges of careless driving and resisting arrest stemming from his run in with Miami Beach police this January. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Bieber’s next arrest?

Apparently Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian think someone working on their TV show has been stealing jewelry and cash from their homes, and are saying if the thief isn’t caught they won’t film season 10 of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Which could be the biggest incentive ever for lazy police work.

White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson, after a play was overturned for the Chicago catcher blocking the plate, and the SF Giants went on to score 7 runs in the inning. “Next thing you know we’ll have catchers wearing skirts out there.” Wonder if SF Giants fans can take up a collection to have Hunter Pence wear a skirt on Friday night.

OK, so the plate blocking rule needs tweaking & it gave the #SFGiants a run today against the #Whitesox. But it didn’t give them the next 6.


Airline customer service at its finest. American Airlines offers a traveler a $500 voucher to take a later flight. He accepts. Certificate can be redeemed by phone, where AA has a ticketing charge. Or at an AA ticket office. Except the airline has closed their ticket offices. Only humans who can issue ticket are at the airports.


An American woman and her boyfriend were arrested when the body of the woman’s mother was found stuffed inside a suitcase at the St. Regis in Bali. What was the couple thinking? They’d have never gotten the suitcase on a plane without serious overweight baggage charges.

Rush Limbaugh yesterday suggested that Robin Williams committed suicide because of his “leftist world view.” “What is the left’s world view in general?” “If you had to attach, not a philosophy, but an attitude to a leftist world view. It’s one of pessimism, and darkness, sadness. They’re never happy, are they?” Annie Savoy in Bull Durham got it right – “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self awareness.”

Edward Snowden, interviewed on returning to the U.S. “I told the government I’d volunteer for prison, as long as it served the right purpose. I care more about the country than what happens to me.” And then Snowden presumably returned to his project of trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to the Russians.

Rand Paul was asked to name one word for when he thinks of Chris Christie. His answer “Bridges.” Wonder if Paul will try to get Simon and Garfunkel at a campaign event.

After a reported two-month long investigation, three women in Redwood City massage parlors were arrested today or alleged solicitation of prostitution, pimping and pandering. Because there’s so little crime in Northern California that police have nothing better to do?

Tried a new hair gloss and decided actually to read the directions. “Caution. For external use only.” Wow, glad I saw that…

Checking your baggage?

July 29, 2013

A United Airlines worker at San Francisco Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing a couple’s luggage and returning some of the clothes inside to Nordstrom for cash. Wonder if United at least refunded the passengers’ baggage fees?

The Milwaukee Brewers are giving away about $3 million in food and drink vouchers to fans at the ballpark for the rest of the season, basically spending the money they would have paid Ryan Braun. Gosh, if/when A-Rod gets suspended the Yankees could afford to  turn their stadium into an all-inclusive resort

Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?” Can’t wait to see some in the GOP condemn this crazy liberal statement.

But gosh, what’s next.  If the Pope indicates he might be accepting of priests who are gays, how long until he comes up with something truly radical, like saying the same about women.  (Yeah, the day after hell freezes over.)

Must say since the SF Giants don’t appear likely to make the playoffs, it would be fun to see a Rays-Pirates World Series. Especially as it would probably make Fox executives heads’ explode.

#‎JasonGiambi‬, 42 years and 202 days old, goes yard to game in bottom of 9th to win it for the Indians. Do we call it a walker-off home run?

MLB says that David Ortiz will not be suspended for destroying two dugout phones with his bat last weekend in Baltimore. Maybe because even in the dugout no one uses land line phones now anyway?
Pete Rose says that a big part of A-Rod’s problem is that he “lacks self-confidence,” Rose said. I don’t know. Regarding PED’s Rodriguez seems to have had plenty of confidence in his ability to get away with it.

#‎AnthonyWeiner‬ is now in fourth place in the latest NY mayoral poll. Why? Because there is no fifth place.

President Obama, congratulating the SF Giants on their 2012 World Championship: “You guys are a second-half team. I expect you to be a second-half team this time around.” And wonder how many of the Giants responded “Back at ya, Mr. President.”

Many fans are waiting eagerly or anxiously for MLB’s decision on the Biogenesis players. Suspensions which will be less for PED’s than for being stupid enough to get caught.

A new University of California study found that dangerous staph infections can be spread at the gym. Leading to a whole new category of excuse “I’d love to go work out honey, but I’m concerned about my health.”

Another train crash in Europe. This time in Switzerland. Guessing that television stations are being VERY careful about reading the names of engineers.

 

West coast wimps.

January 27, 2013

Although San Diego weather is in the 60s, officials at the Farmers Insurance golf tournament  had to delay the third round for fog. And folks on the frozen east coast are thinking, just STFU.

USC’s men’s basketball team lost to Arizona 74-50 Saturday night, and after being down by as much as 34. Normally when the Trojans are this embarrassed in a sporting event, Stanford football is involved.

Paul Ryan told Republicans  “We have to stay united.” Shocking. Ryan thinks the GOP has been united?

Now former Fox News commentator Sarah Palin said conservatives “can’t just preach to the choir” and must instead “broaden our reach.” Well, I’m sure Jon Stewart would have her on the Daily Show anytime….

Many were surprised to see Hillary Clinton looking so comfortable with President Obama on “60 Minutes.” But on the other hand, Barack has done a lot more for Hillary’s reputation than the last Democratic president.

Just how unwatchable a game is the Pro Bowl?   Many men probably decided Sunday they’d rather join their wives and watch the U.S. Figure Skating championships.

Isn’t “Pro Bowl joke”   redundant?

President Obama said that NFL players are grown men who are “well-compensated for the violence they do to their bodies”, but that college players with concussions “have nothing to fall back on. That’s something that I’d like to see the NCAA think about.” Responded the NCAA, sorry, we’re too busy looking into free meals and tattoos.

In York PA, David Kime, who died at 88, loved Burger King so much that his funeral procession went through the drive-thru window. Family and friends all got a Whopper Jr., and one of the burgers was placed on his casket. But just think, had Kime avoided junk food he might have lived until 89.

Remind me again why there are two weeks between the AFC/NFC Championships and the Super Bowl…    So we can have scintillating ESPN headlines like this? “Ravens wrap last home practice, pack gear.”

Can we let Texas secede, please? Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) dismissed Obama’s nominees Chuck Hagel and John Kerry as “very prominently less than ardent fans of the U.S. military.” Right, and neither of these combat VETERANS know anything about the military.

From T.C.  on next year’s Super Bowl being played outdoors in New Jersey: “Watch for SB XLVIIIBRRRR.”

Bust to hell time:

A Secret Service dog accidentally fell six stories off a roof and died last night in New Orleans while working an event featuring V.P. Joe Biden. Either that or the poor dog got so tired of listening to Biden that he committed suicide.

Alternative version:    “The Secret Service plans to teach their dogs never again to ask directions from the local cats…”

BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?