Posted tagged ‘Boston jokes’

On fire?

May 16, 2015

cincy

So all it really took for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ bats to heat up in Cincinnati is for the ballpark to catch fire?

As we approach the 2016 election many Americans are supporting Jeb hoping he won’t repeat his brother’s presidency.. Or supporting Hillary hoping she will repeat her husband’s. ‪#‎Itsallrelative‬

A new study sponsored by Microsoft found that humans now have shorter attention spans than goldfish. Oh look, a kitten….

 

As a regular driver on the bus to hell, still have to wonder, what if we could have only sent critically injured and now convicted Boston bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s to a random HMO hospital, maybe we wouldn’t be facing the current death penalty controversy?

I understand that vigilante justice is a bad idea, and I understand that jury trials are a right. But how many millions of dollars did we spend saving the life of Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, and on his trial, and how many more millions will be spent on the death penalty appeals.?

A new study sponsored by Microsoft found that humans now have shorter attention spans than goldfish. Oh look, a kitten….

Fox News guest Gavin Mcinnes: “The big picture here is, women do earn less in America because they choose to… They’re less ambitious, and I think this is sort of God’s way, this is nature’s way of saying women should be at home with the kids — they’re happier there.” So which GOP Presidential candidate will hire McInnes first as a cultural adviser?

So apparently Dakota Meyer, Bristol Palin’s fiance, married another woman in 2008. No word on when they split up. But just wondering, would Sarah and others in the GOP support a religious bakery owner’s right not to make a cake for a divorced man?

 

So now there are rumors, rumors only, that Bristol Palin’s fiance may STILL be married to another woman. As someone who tries to be a decent human being, I hope the rumors are wrong. As a bus to hell comedy writer….

Hoping for ‪#‎PaulPierce‬‘s sake that during last brilliant 3-point shot attempt he didn’t pause for a split second to call “game.” ‪#‎ATLvsWAS‬

So the Stanford Band has been banned from 2015 road trips, for off-field infractions including “an annual trip in which some band members used illegal substances.” Am sure it’s just coincidence that this year’s Cardinal away games include visits to Colorado and Washington State.

 

So some outrage over ABC’s George Stephanopoulos having contributed to the Clinton Foundation. Guess I missed the outrage from the same folks over Fox News’ Rupert Murdoch’s and Roger Ailes’s donations?

 

One direction?

February 18, 2015

GM Trent Baalke on Jim Harbaugh: “We’ve moved on…. I feel very good about the direction we’re headed and I’m sure he does as well.” Yeah, actually it wouldn’t surprise me if Harbaugh feels VERY good about the direction in which the 49ers are headed…..

So in Boston, they are offering free Red Sox tickets to residents who help shovel show away from fire hydrants. If New York gets another storm they are thinking of a different strategy, anyone who doesn’t help with the snow will get free Knicks tickets.

 

The beagle that won “Best in Show” at the Westminster Dog Show, and thus became “America’s Dog”, is actually Canadian. Another immigrant taking something away from Americans. I blame Obama.

A New Jersey high school teacher has been indicted by a grand jury for allegedly having for sex with 6 different students. 6 students?! So clearly we do have a serious problem in our schools with overcrowding.

Browns coach Mike Pettine just said of Johnny Manziel’s issues, that “we had the same information everyone else in the league had. It turns out to be a deeper-rooted thing than we thought.” Is Cleveland planning on changing their mascot to an ostrich?

Mississippi just passed the “Jesus Take the Wheel” act, which would exempt drivers of mid-sized church buses (up to 30 passengers) from having a commercial driver’s license. Well, this is one way to get more people praying on the road.

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Salomon for the THIRD time. And this is the type of marriage some conservatives are working so hard to defend?

United Airlines plans to slightly increase capacity this year. And apparently 50% of the growth will come from the installation of “slim line” seats on 450 planes. Will United be installing these additional seats on their aircraft with a shoehorn?

 

Some are criticizing Joe Biden for putting his hands on Ash Carter’s wife’s shoulders. And really, it wasn’t very Presidential of him. Clearly Joe should have also given her a neck massage.

 

In Orlando, a woman was arrested when she walked naked down a residential street and stopped traffic by masturbating in public. Some Americans responded to this story with shock, others with “that’s Florida,” and Bostonians with “You can walk outside without a coat on?”

Scott Walker says that criticizing him for dropping out of college during his senior year is “elitist.” I think I like Sarah Palin’s “higher calling” better.

Little Caesar’s is offering a new deep dish pizza which is not just topped with pepperoni and back, its crust is wrapped in bacon. Does it come with free sides of statins and beta-blockers?

 

From Marc Ragovin. “I would put more stock in A-Rod’s letter of apology to Yankees fans if he hadn’t written it in disappearing ink.

From T.C.  Handwriting experts have analyed A-Rod’s written apology and concluded that he writes like a girl and has a massive ego. So does this mean he had his ex-squeeze Madonna pen his apology for him?

Mount MIT

February 18, 2015

mit

The California drought and warm weather means U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association has had to cancel a World Cup competition that was to be held in March at Squaw Valley.. Maybe they can move it to Boston?

 

The above photo is for real, built by MIT students.

 

In Washington, snow has shut the federal government, and according to a headline “330,000 are without power.” 330,001 if you count Joe Biden.

This weekend in Lake Placid all living members of the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team will reunite for the 35th anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice.” Meanwhile, in Boston, they are hoping for a “Miracle to get rid of the Ice.”

 

ESPN reports that investigators have found that a Patriots locker-room attendant tried to insert an unapproved football into their playoff game against the Colts. So have they also found how much New England might be paying this guy for throwing himself under the bus?

Over 23 million people watched NBC’s SNL’s 40th anniversary special Sunday night. Wonder how many of them had to first find out what channel NBC is these days?

Pablo Sandoval has shown up to spring training looking, well, large.  Guess the Panda hasn’t had any problems finding the bakeries and restaurants in Boston’s North End.

Several hundred teenagers in Ococee, FL stormed a movie theater after employees said they were not accompanied by adults, and refused to sell them tickets to “Fifty Shades of Grey,” If only they had been armed.

Ahmad Bradshaw was cited for possession of a small amount of marijuana by the Ohio Highway Patrol. But he wasn’t arrested, and the citation is payable without a court appearance. So basically, Ohio  just has a marijuana tax?

Kobe Bryant says he isn’t retiring. “I thought the Spurs were done 20 years ago. Those guys are still winning. … I’m hoping I can have the same rebirth.” Uh, except, Kobe, San Antonio doesn’t need an expensive backup shooting guard.

A 92 year-old-driver lost control of his minivan outside a Piggly Wiggly in Wisconsin, then panicked and hit a total of 9 other cars in the parking lot. Police say the man will not be ticketed, but he’s presumably been offered a spot in the next “Senior Demolition Derby.”

Judgment day?

February 14, 2015

The NY Yankees apparently have told Alex Rodriguez he could use Yankee Stadium as a location to make a public apology. What, along the lines of “Today I consider myself the scuzziest man in America.”?

Apparently some people are more upset than usual that they didn’t win the Powerball lottery. Because one of three winners was from Puerto Rico – – and you know, damn foreigners…. No joke. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So cold in New York All-Star game weekend that the players won’t even be able to hit the streets looking for their future baby-mamas.

Jeb Bush, when asked Friday about the Iraq and Afghanistan wars his brother started – “I won’t talk about the past.” Does Jeb want to be President, or Mark McGwire?

Major League Baseball is thinking of shrinking the strike zone to attract younger fans. Of course, maybe if the sport REALLY wanted younger fans maybe they would have not scheduled all the World Series games for the past several years to start after 830p Eastern time and finish around midnight.‪#‎pastbedtimes‬

 

I know the San Francisco Bay Area is experiencing near record high temperatures while the Midwest and East Coast freeze. But the SF Chronicle running an online article today about the best outdoor bars in town is probably adding insult to injury.

In Fresno, an 8-yr-old girl is recovering after being shot by her 10-yr-old sister with a handgun that their father had left on a bed in their home. Dad’s job? He’s a county sheriff’s deputy. ‪#‎howdoyoustopastupidgoodguywithagun‬?

#‎ValentinesDay‬ is a tough day for many people. On the other hand it’s followed by ‪#‎HalfPriceCandy‬ day!

 

 

Bad news for Dodgers fans, the 2015 season may still be in a TV blackout. Worse news for Lakers fans. The rest of their 2015 season won’t be.

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker was asked in London whether he believes in the theory of evolution, and responded. “I’m going to punt on that one…. That’s a question a politician shouldn’t be involved in one way or the other.” Evolution is a “question”? We’ve had stupid in politics for a while, but when did it become a virtue?

Free space?

February 13, 2015

Ruth Bader Ginsburg said she dozed off during the President’s SOTU because she “was not 100% sober.” Cool. So even Supreme Court members play that drinking game!

 

Unluckiest men on ‪#‎Fridaythe13th‬?. Those who have forgotten ‪#‎ValentinesDay‬ is  #Saturdaythe14th

 

With Boston snowed in for the foreseeable future, and another storm on the way, have to wonder. Is this going to result in an increase in Massachusetts birth rates, or murders? Or both?

A poll shows that for the first time, a majority of New Jersey voters view Chris Christie unfavorably. So does that mean the Governor is starting to look presidential?

 

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman,  who is against legalized sports betting. “Do you want people at football and basketball games rooting for the spread or rooting for their favorite team?” Spoken like a man who hasn’t been to very many football and basketball games.

 

Ray Rice sent an apology letter to Baltimore Ravens fans: “To all the kids who looked up to me, I’m truly sorry for letting you down, but I hope it’s helped you learn that one bad decision can turn your dream into a nightmare. There is no excuse for domestic violence.” Who knows if Rice will play in the NFL again though. Now had he only been involved in a murder, instead….

 

Miami has been picked to host the 2017 MLB All-Star Game. They had been scheduled to host in 2000, but were stripped of the game after their 1997 World Series win and fire sale. So if the Marlins win in 2015 and then repeat the dismantling has baseball threatened to strip them again?

 

 

 

All this scare mongering about illegal immigrants who might be bringing diseases into the U.S.   Wonder how long it will take for the rest of the world, including Europe, to start tightening entry rules for American tourists, since they have no way of knowing which of us are unvaccinated.

Oregon Gov. John Kitzhaber has resigned. Saying he has become “a liability to his state.” Well, if that were the criteria there’d be a lot of empty governor’s mansions.

 

A few years ago who had John Daly making more cuts so far in 2015 than Tiger Woods?

Singapore Airlines said yesterday it will reduce its fuel surcharges later this month. U.S. Airlines are thinking of doing the same, as soon as they can figure out new fees to offset the reduction.

Okay, really? The The Philadelphia Eagles issued a statement saying they are not responsible for Riley Cooper being the featured player for February in the team’s official 2015 calendar. Cooper was seen on video in 2013 using racial slurs at a concert. And February is Black History Month. ‪#‎canwealllightenup‬? (no racial slur intended.)

 

From Bill Littletjohn.  “Riley Cooper was the featured player for the Eagles’ Black History Month. Isn’t that like featuring the Patriots’ ball boy in an ad for Big O Tires?”

50 Shades of Red-faced?

February 9, 2015

As we approach the premiere of “Fifty Shades of Gray,” expect all sorts of potentially embarrassing moments at the theater. For #1 may I suggest, bringing a date and running into your parents.

Michelle Obama says that the former White House chef banned boxed macaroni and cheese and told them “cheese dust is not food.” Stand by for a rebuttal from John Boehner and the orange lobby.

 

Open note to any young person thinking of a career in television news. Maybe us grownups might have been able to get away with a tall tale or two. But these days it doesn’t matter how trivial the lie, even if it’s not bothering to wash your hands in a public restroom.. Someone will have seen it, and they probably have cellphone video.

At the University of Texas, a frat house is facing criticism for an alleged “border patrol” party last weekend near campus. Really? They couldn’t have just done something classier like “Pimps and prostitutes?”

Alabama today became the 37th state to allow same-sex marriage. In some ways am amazed more conservatives aren’t applauded. Not only is it less government intrusion into private lives, same-sex couples mean less dealing with that abortion issue.

Three major snowstorms in Boston in three weeks. Is this the moment where a house-hunting Pablo Sandoval looks at his agent and says “Uh, why didn’t you tell me about this?” ‪#‎70inSFthisweek‬

So a guy pays a prostitute $70, then falls asleep afterwards and she steals his gun from the hotel room. Florida? Nope, Reno, Nevada. And the man in question is a policeman. Who has now been suspended. Sometimes its not just crooks who are stupid.

Brett Favre posted today on his website: “I’m pleased to announce that I will be returning to Green Bay, Wisconsin in 2015 for induction into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and retirement of my jersey.” How much do we want the Packers to issue their own statement “Uh, Brett, we’re thinking we might want to hold the ceremony in 2016, or 2017. Can you hold on while we decide?”

Yahoo mail has been running an ad lately. “Girlfriend needed. No games, Just real guys looking for a faithful women (sic.)” Gotcha, so nothing about the guy being faithful. And clearly a woman who isn’t too picky about grammar.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said today that Knicks owner Jamesm Dolan won’t be fined for an angry email in response to a fan, saying “Jim is a consummate New Yorker. Jim got an unkind email and responded with an unkind email.” So this mean Silver can still fine owners from places like Charlotte and New Orleans because Southerners are supposed to be more gracious?

The Daily Mail is reporting that Charles Manson’s fiancée “only wanted to marry him so she could put his corpse on display in a glass coffin after he died.” Who knew it was possible Charlie might get a run for his money on being the creepiest one in a relationship?

 

Parenthood isn’t what it used to be. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:

“Me: Ann Caroline, come down here and listen to AC/DC on the GRAMMYs.
AC: Dad, I’m doing my homework.
Me: YOU STOP THAT HOMEWORK AND COME AND LISTEN TO “HIGHWAY TO HELL,” YOUNG LADY.

What has happened to my world?”

Wow, just wow. Not sure what I could possibly add to this. FOX’s Eric Bolling, upset about Obama’s prayer breakfast speech: “Reports say radical Muslim jihadists killed thousands of people in the past few months alone. And yet when you take Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, whatever, their combined killings in the name of religion––well, that would be zero.”

Going, going, gone,

November 25, 2014

A New Hampshire woman was arrested and briefly jailed when she slapped her boyfriend during a fight over a game of Monopoly. Bet she didn’t even get to collect her $200 either.

RB Justin Forsett, released in March by the Jaguars and signed in April by the Ravens as a precautionary backup for Ray Rice, tonight ran for 182 yards. Forsett thanked God. Probably would have been tacky to have thanked whoever installed that casino elevator video camera.

 

Monica Lewinsky complains that having an affair with Bill Clinton 19 years ago and the resulting scandal has made her unemployable. Really? Maybe for a few years, but Donna Rice moved on to a very successful career. Even Michael Vick has a job…. America loves second acts..

(my friend Tom Dodd says ” I would have thought that she demonstrated that she had a marketable skill.”)

Maybe ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬  decided to sign with ‪#‎Boston‬ because he wanted to play on national television every week instead of just during the postseason. ‪#‎RedSoxYankees‬ ‪#‎ESPN‬

Boston now has Big Papi and Pablo Sandoval on their team. Does this give the Red Sox the first dugout that will register on the Richter scale?

 

Not that most Giants fans would trade this year’s World Series to keep one player.  But my friend Alex P. makes a good point. “Alternate reality: Let’s say the Giants lost the Wildcard game to the Pirates.” (or for that matter the Brewers didn’t collapse down the stretch and give SF the second wild card.  Then “what contract would Sandoval get?”

 

Guessing this year the SF Giants Dugout Stores will be shipping children in Africa a lot of Panda hats?

John McCain wants Lindsey Graham to run for President. Democrats are thrilled. Republicans want Senator McCain checked for other signs of dementia.

Budweiser has apparently dropped the Clydesdales from their holiday advertising for new campaign aimed at 21-27 year-olds who have been drinking craft beers. Uh, have news for them, if Bud wants millennials, forget spending money on ads, spend it on improving the beer.

Chuck Hagel has resigned as Secretary of Defense. The GOP is eagerly awaiting President Obama’s pick for a replacement so they can say why he/she is the worst possible choice.

QB Johnny Manziel was reportedly at the center of a 20-person brawl in Cleveland last Friday. Belated congrats to all those who had Nov. 20 in the most recent pool.

 

 

Sports anchor Mike Lynch tweeted that he heard the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ matched the ‪#‎RedSox‬ offer for Sandoval but that Pablo left because he felt “disrepected.” Well, then it’s a good thing the Panda is going to such a gentle, warm and fuzzy market as Boston.

Sad to watch the rioting in Ferguson. But okay, if you WANTED to create a riot, could you do any more than say 10 hours in advance that a verdict had been reached, a verdict that many people expected to be a non-indictment, and then wait until several hours into the evening actually to announce it

It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.

Snow place like home.

February 9, 2013

The New York Knicks, in Minnesota tonight, and the Los Angeles Clippers, in Miami, may not be able to make it to New York in time for their nationally televised game on Sunday. So will David Stern try to fine Mother Nature?

Meanwhile Roger Goodell somewhere may be asking ‘Just hypothetically, how much would it cost to put a temporary roof on the Meadowlands, just for say, one Sunday in 2014..”

(suddenly that little 34 minute delay at the Super Dome doesn’t seem so bad.)

 

The Boston Red Sox and MLB apparently are saying that Curt Schilling’s claim that someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PED’s in 2008 is “completely baseless.” Translation: Nobody put anything in writing.

Up in Boston, things are colder than Curt Schilling’s current relations with the Red Sox.

Despite the imminent blizzard, Justin Bieber fans have remained camped out in New York City in hopes of getting tickets for his SNL appearance.  While it would be awful if anyone died, at least they WOULD be removed from the gene pool before breeding.

Prices at the pump are going up again. Soon the only opportunity for cheap gas may be Taco Bell’s “Value Menu.”

NY Yankees GM Brian Cashman will pay over $1 million a year in alimony and child support to ex-wife. $1 million a year? For that, the Yankees could almost pay a month’s salary to a middling reliever.

There’s been an increasing rash of thefts of smartphones lately, especially Apple products. I see a new marketing slogan for Blackberry – “thieves don’t want our phones.”.

You know it’s been a down year when Los Angeles Lakers fans are excited about a comeback against the Charlotte Bobcats.

Shawn Marion said that if the Dallas Mavericks trade him to a bad team he won’t go. Wouldn’t it be simpler in that case for Marion just to say he had a shoulder injury?

Six GOP governors have now at least partially changed their mind about Obamacare and have decided to accept expanding Medicaid for their state’s health insurance programs. Proving again the axiom that “the only truly wasteful government spending is spending that doesn’t benefit me personally.”

 

A report on the Sandusky case commissioned by the Paterno family will be released Sunday. According to Sue Paterno, the report will defend her late husband, and question both the Freeh report and the NCAA’s sanctions against Penn State. Even Lance Armstrong is thinking “Give it up already.”

Hal Steinbrenner said today he’s “concerned about A-Rod.” And millions of Yankees fans said “What took you so long?”

 

 

Condoleezza Rice hit a woman in the head with a shot during the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday. Who knew the former Secretary of State had aspirations to be Vice President?