Posted tagged ‘50 Shades jokes’

The boys of fall, winter, spring and summer?

March 6, 2015

To eliminate some of the back-to-back games and insane road trips, the NBA is thinking of lengthening the season into July. Great, so this means the playoffs would finish the week before the start of pre-season?

In England, an 11-yr-old boy was sent home from “World Book Day,” where his choice of costume was Christian Grey (fully clothed in a suit) from “Fifty Shades.” The school had no problem with Voldemorts, Darth Vaders, and even a teacher dressed up at Dexter the serial killer. ‪#‎priorities‬ ‪#‎facepalmBritishdivision‬

Susan Sarandon, 68, and her 37 year old boyfriend have apparently split up. Here’s hoping she left him for a younger guy.

Friday in the Aaron Hernandez murder trial, the prosecution told jurors that a marijuana cigarette butt containing Hernandez’s DNA was found near the victim’s body. At this point even O.J. is throwing up his hands and saying there’s no need to look for the real killers.

Two TSA screeners at SFO have been charged with taking bribes to allow methamphetamine to be smuggled in carry-on luggage. According to the SF Chronicle, authorities said the operation was planned “in part through messages on Facebook.”

Well, leaving aside how warm and secure that makes us all feel, what tipped police off? Was FB sending them ads for “Breaking Bad” DVDs or something?

A man was arrested after he called 911 to report that his wife had stolen his cocaine. No, and it wasn’t Florida. Ohio wins this round. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Got to love it. Not only does the elderly woman totter down to her exit row middle seat on United, and then totter off the plane, she has a wheelchair waiting. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ airline winner for the month.

(and no, the woman who got the extra legroom, the airline that let her do it.)

One runway is still closed at LaGuardia after that Delta plane crashed into a snowbank. So will passengers who want on-time flights be asked to chip in for a “priority runway” fee?

All these headlines saying Hunter Pence broke his arm. Actually technically a Cubs pitcher broke Pence’s arm. With a fastball. ‪#‎grammarpolice‬

So the NCAA has suspended Jim Boeheim for 9 games next season and will take away scholarships after finding “over the course of a decade, Syracuse University did not control and monitor its athletics programs, and its head men’s basketball coach failed to monitor his program.” And in Kentucky, John Calipari is just giggling.

Rory McIlroy, unhappy with a shot into the water today at Doral, hurled the club in after the ball. Bad news, he’ll probably be fined. Good news, the throw was good enough the Marlins might offer him a pitching tryout.

So the Dow fell 279 points Friday because the jobs report was 295,000 which was better than expected, and unemployment tell to 5.5% which was lower than expected. The GOP is trying to figure out how to blame Obama for the former, without giving him credit for the latter.

 

From Marc Ragovin:  “A 50-year old Oregon man claims that he is Wilt Chamberlain’s son. Vegas bookmakers have set the odds on this being legit at 20,000 to 1.”

50 Shades of Red-faced?

February 9, 2015

As we approach the premiere of “Fifty Shades of Gray,” expect all sorts of potentially embarrassing moments at the theater. For #1 may I suggest, bringing a date and running into your parents.

Michelle Obama says that the former White House chef banned boxed macaroni and cheese and told them “cheese dust is not food.” Stand by for a rebuttal from John Boehner and the orange lobby.

 

Open note to any young person thinking of a career in television news. Maybe us grownups might have been able to get away with a tall tale or two. But these days it doesn’t matter how trivial the lie, even if it’s not bothering to wash your hands in a public restroom.. Someone will have seen it, and they probably have cellphone video.

At the University of Texas, a frat house is facing criticism for an alleged “border patrol” party last weekend near campus. Really? They couldn’t have just done something classier like “Pimps and prostitutes?”

Alabama today became the 37th state to allow same-sex marriage. In some ways am amazed more conservatives aren’t applauded. Not only is it less government intrusion into private lives, same-sex couples mean less dealing with that abortion issue.

Three major snowstorms in Boston in three weeks. Is this the moment where a house-hunting Pablo Sandoval looks at his agent and says “Uh, why didn’t you tell me about this?” ‪#‎70inSFthisweek‬

So a guy pays a prostitute $70, then falls asleep afterwards and she steals his gun from the hotel room. Florida? Nope, Reno, Nevada. And the man in question is a policeman. Who has now been suspended. Sometimes its not just crooks who are stupid.

Brett Favre posted today on his website: “I’m pleased to announce that I will be returning to Green Bay, Wisconsin in 2015 for induction into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame and retirement of my jersey.” How much do we want the Packers to issue their own statement “Uh, Brett, we’re thinking we might want to hold the ceremony in 2016, or 2017. Can you hold on while we decide?”

Yahoo mail has been running an ad lately. “Girlfriend needed. No games, Just real guys looking for a faithful women (sic.)” Gotcha, so nothing about the guy being faithful. And clearly a woman who isn’t too picky about grammar.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said today that Knicks owner Jamesm Dolan won’t be fined for an angry email in response to a fan, saying “Jim is a consummate New Yorker. Jim got an unkind email and responded with an unkind email.” So this mean Silver can still fine owners from places like Charlotte and New Orleans because Southerners are supposed to be more gracious?

The Daily Mail is reporting that Charles Manson’s fiancée “only wanted to marry him so she could put his corpse on display in a glass coffin after he died.” Who knew it was possible Charlie might get a run for his money on being the creepiest one in a relationship?

 

Parenthood isn’t what it used to be. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:

“Me: Ann Caroline, come down here and listen to AC/DC on the GRAMMYs.
AC: Dad, I’m doing my homework.
Me: YOU STOP THAT HOMEWORK AND COME AND LISTEN TO “HIGHWAY TO HELL,” YOUNG LADY.

What has happened to my world?”

Wow, just wow. Not sure what I could possibly add to this. FOX’s Eric Bolling, upset about Obama’s prayer breakfast speech: “Reports say radical Muslim jihadists killed thousands of people in the past few months alone. And yet when you take Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, whatever, their combined killings in the name of religion––well, that would be zero.”