Posted tagged ‘Vegas jokes’

Going, going, not quite gone.

March 28, 2017

The Raiders sent out an email today to Season Ticket Holders offering to let them put down a deposit on tickets in Las Vegas.

 

Isn’t this sort of like your significant other telling you he/she is leaving you for someone else as soon as they get their home built, but she’d love to have you come to the housewarming party.

 

A Nevada brothel owner today said he will open a Raiders-themed bordello in 2020. Meaning that unlike Oakland fans, new Las Vegas fans of the team can at least get value for money while being screwed.

Average high temperature in Las Vegas in September, 95%, down from a 103% in August. But hey, fire up those grills for tailgates. #Raiders

As Raiders prepare to pack up & move, a good time to remember that #SFGiants just paid off their PRIVATELY FUNDED stadium.

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.

The world’s largest dinosaur footprint just found in ‘Australia’s Jurassic Park’. Was it from a pickup game involving Tim Duncan?

 

Heard a commercial for FanDuel fantasy golf. Thinking if you seriously play fantasy golf for money you just might have a gambling problem.

 

White House says Trump turned down invite from #Nationals to throw out 1st pitch Opening Day. Bummer. Would have been Bigliest boos ever.

Has it occurred to anyone in Trump administration that Mexico builds tunnels a lot faster than we could build a wall?

Bill O’Reilly insulted Maxine Waters’ hair. Can someone get Bill drunk and ask him what he really thinks of Donald Trump’s hair?

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Johnny Carson as Carnac would do answers first, then questions. An old favorite -“UCLA.” The question – “What happens when smog clears over Los Angeles?”
Doesn’t seem so funny when Trump signs an executive order getting rid of regulations for clean-air.

President signs  EO gutting fed regulations against climate change. If global warming floods FloridaL could it please start with a Trump golf course?.

#TrumpAFamousQuote “Loving myself means never having to say I’m sorry.”

Supreme Court ruled 9-0 w/ Paula Jones & Clinton that Pres could be sued. Trump now filing motion to overturn. #Fakecourt tweet in 3.2.1…

CNN reports Sean Spicer refused to say who signed Nunes onto the White House grounds late at night, “as would be required protocol.”
Standby for the Trump Executive Order outlawing “required protocol.”

The GAO (Government Accountability Office) is apparently going to look into security costs for Trump’s Mar-A-Lago trips and see if he, as promised, is paying the treasury for profits his hotels make from foreign government visits.
Standby for Trump signing an EO to defund the GAO in 3.2.1….

Quote of the day “There was a very serious effort made by Mr. Putin and his government, his organization, to interfere in major ways with our basic, fundamental democratic processes. In some quarters that would be considered an act of war.”
But who listens to crazy liberals like Dick Cheney?

 

Checkpoint Charlie museum honors those who died trying to scale the Berlin wall for a better life. Will Mexico build museum if Trump ever builds his wall?

 

 

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.

Going pro, or rather semi-pro

June 8, 2016

Kentucky coach John Calipari said the Philadelphia 76ers should select the Wildcats’ Jamal Murray as the No. 1 pick in the June 23 NBA draft. So what did Murray ever do to him?

Johnny Manziel is allegedly still holding out hope for a return to football in 2016. “Give it up already,” responded Tim Tebow.

 

#‎SteveKerr‬  asked about ‪#‎Cavs‬ aggressive start after the first quarter of game 3.. “What did you see in response from your guys?” “Not a whole lot.” ‪#‎Popwouldbepround‬ ‪#‎GSWvsCLE‬

But so  what ‪#‎Cavs‬ needed to compete with ‪#‎Warriors‬ was for ‪#‎KevinLove‬ to get a concussion? Heck, a Cleveland  teammate might have clocked him sooner.

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“The Greatest” wanted his funeral to be free and so 15,000 tickets were given away in Louisville. Now of course, people are trying to sell the free tickets on Ebay etc. Ali family spokesman Bob Gunnell said “I’m personally disgusted and amazed that someone would try to profit off of Muhammad Ali’s memorial service.”
“Disgusted,” I get. “Amazed….?” Someone hasn’t been paying attention.

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‪#‎BristolPalin‬ has married her baby daddy. And millions of Americans are asking “Which one?”

Guess resort fees aren’t enough. MGM Resorts International in Las Vegas is now charging for parking at all their properties. Ah, for the days when the only bandits in town were the one-armed variety.

Maria Sharipova has been banned from tennis for two years for using PEDs. And at the same time Hillary wins the Democratic nomination we are reminded it’s not always a good thing when women prove they can be equal to men.

Bill Nye “the Science Guy” says that conservatives need an “epiphany” to attract younger voters. Okay, “science” is one strike against him, does Nye really think it will help his cause to use high-faluting words like “epiphany?”

#‎Kasich‬ is holding steady at about 11% in ‪#‎CaliforniaPrimary‬ . That’s about as high as he got in most states when he was still campaigning.

Despite Hillary Clinton’s winning California by about 13%, the networks didn’t call the primary win for her until about 4a. In related news, the same networks are saying the Golden State Warriors still have a pretty good chance to win the NBA championship.

Email from Bernie Sanders today “The struggle continues.” Yes, it does. But the arithmetic does not.

 

Convicted rapist and former Stanford swimmer Brock Turner  is apparently filing an appeal, even with his slap-on-the-wrist sentence.   Hmm, can someone make up some #20minutesofaction” t-shirts for Turner to give to his future wife and/or daughters?

 

The Guardian has leaked a letter that convicted rapist Brock Turner sent to the judge in his case “I’ve been shattered by the party culture and risk taking behavior that I briefly experienced in my four months at school. I’ve lost my ability to obtain a Stanford degree. I’ve lost employment opportunity, my reputation and most of all, my life.” ‪#‎getouttheviolins‬

 

 

Stuart Anderson, founder of the Black Angus Steakhouse chain, has passed away at the age of 93. No details on services yet, but no doubt coupon discounts will be available.

Grounded?

July 16, 2015

President Obama will be in New York City Friday night, and the FAA has issued a no fly zone over Manhattan. Which won’t affect commercial flights, but will force wealthy folks heading to the Hamptons to take ground transportation instead of private helicopters. “I feel so sorry for them,” said no one in 99.9% of the population.

Interesting, all the talk about Caitlyn Jenner. But if we’re talking LGBT acceptance, the U.S. women’s soccer team has both gay and straight players, and it doesn’t seem to affect their chemistry OR performance.

Apparently this season has seen a big increase in the number of NL managers who are batting their pitcher 8th in the lineup. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner is not pleased with this trend. He thinks he should bat at least 6th.

Here’s a serious idea for a change. Let’s change the MLB trade deadline to during the All-Star break. Would make it easier for players to get to their new teams. And would give sports fans something more interesting to follow during the break than NBA summer league scores.

 

Mark Cuban is now proposing that the NBA playoffs be expanded to 10 teams per conference. Right, so teams like the Indiana Pacers would be spared the heartache of just missing the playoffs with a 38-44 record.

 

Josh Smith has left the Rockets for the Clippers, signing for $1.5 million, the veteran minimum, and reportedly told a source he chose “winning over money?” So Smith is bad at history, statistics AND math?

The Tennessee Highway Safety Office is pulling the “100 Days of Summer Heat Booze It and Lose It Campaign” which was intended to keep young men from drinking too much, with had posters and coasters with messages like this
“After a few drinks the girls look hotter and the music sounds better. Just remember: If your judgment is impaired, so is your driving.”
“Buy a drink for a marginally good looking girl only to find out she’s chatty, clingy and your boss’s daughter. If this sounds like something you would do, your judgment is impaired and so is your driving.”
The only question. Who thought this was a good idea in the first place?

New Jersey is considering a lottery, open only to state college students and alumni, where the winner would get all their student loan debt paid off. Great, so if they don’t know enough already, students can go further into debt buying lottery tickets.

As we approach the 2nd half of the MLB season, Vegas has updated their odds for this years World Series winner- with the favorites being the Royals, Cardinals, Nationals and Dodgers. The Phillies are last 5000-1.

Note to anything thinking of betting on the Phillies. try something with better odds. Like buying a Powerball lottery ticket.

But really, a 5,000 to 1 bet on the Phillies now to win the World Series?   Or for that matter 250 to 1 on the Brewers,  or even 50-1 on the Red Sox?    In all of these and more case, when they’re saying “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” clearly they’re talking about your money.

 

Apparently Vegas sports books are quite worried about the Royals and Astros, as they stand to pay out big bucks if either team, lightly regarded in the preseason, wins the World Series. But on the other hand, MGM properties report 4,000 bets placed on the Cubs, more than double that on any other team. ‪#‎youlosesomeyouwinsome‬

TLC has officially cancelled “19 kids and counting.” Anybody here actually watch the show in the first place?

 

 

From T.C.  Russell Wilson’s new sweetie, Ciara, sang the anthem at All Star game. It was suggested that he could hand off the microphone to her.