Archive for the ‘holiday jokes’ category

The times they are a changin’

October 13, 2016

I missed it, when did “pressure” in baseball become a “high-leverage” situation? #DodgersvsNats #NLDS #MLBPlayoffs

Congrats to Bob Dylan. Who knew, for all the Nobel Prize winning literature I had to read in college, I was actually voluntarily listening to it in my dorm room.

 

With Cleveland in the ALCS the talk has begun again but them needing to change their mascot name as being denigrating to Indians.   But while we’re at it, is the SF Giants name somehow indicative of a bias against more vertically-challenged people?

The Nationals had said Stephen Strasburg, who missed the NLDS, would not be ready to return if Washington made it into the NLCS. So this is one of the postseasons they shut him down for in 2012?

Love #DustyBaker but as #SFGiants fan still get knot in stomach watching him manage late innings bullpen. #DodgersvsNats

When Dusty Baker moved to his fifth pitcher in an inning, SFGiants fans were thinking , “we’ve have seen this script before, and it wasn’t a good one.

 

4 1/2 hours  and it didn’t even go extras. Even #RedSox & #Yankees are thinking this is a LONG game. #NLDSGame5 #DodgersvsNats

Congrats to  the Dodgers.But maybe Daniel Murphy’s infield fly with the winning run on base is God’s way of saying He/She is okay with the  “gay lifestyle.”

 

Slam magazine rated Carmelo Anthony the 15th-best player in the NBA. Melo said it was “disrespectful.” Maybe to the people ranked 16 through 30?

We interrupt the snark for a NICE off-field NFL story: Eagles QB Carson Wentz, 23, who played at North Dakota State, went back during Philly’s bye week to a local bar in Fargo, ran up a $1,000 tab with friends, and left a $500 tip.

At this point no way of knowing which recently leaked emails involving Hillary are real and which are fake. But okay folks, how many of us really want our friends, family, coworkers etc to know everything we’ve ever said about them in “private”?

Chris Christie has been given a criminal summons to appear at a Bridgegate hearing later this month. Maybe Trump should have chosen the NJ governor as a running mate. Would distract attention now from some of these tapes, etc.

Michele Bachmann says that Hillary  Clinton has an “anti-biblical” agenda. As opposed to  Donald Trump “Grope forth and multiply?

 

Rush Limbaugh, railing about the “Donald Trump sex-talk scandal” “If the left ever senses and smells that there’s no consent in part of the equation, then here come the rape police.”
Uh, yeah… and his point is?

 

Just imagine if one of #BillClinton‘s accusers also said she was treated inappropriately by #DonaldTrump

Donald Trump’s response to a People Magazine reporter who said he had attacked her “Take a look, you take a look, look at her, look at her words — you tell me what you think. I don’t think so.”
Okay, time to open the pool on the gender gap in this years election? About 50 points seems a good start….

Interesting, got a travel agent survey asking if I am more or less likely to recommend Trump properties since he became a candidate, if my clients are more or less likely to ask for Trump properties, if clients have refused to stay in a Trump property…… and if any of this has changed since the “Access Hollywood” tapes….
If this was campaign was a build-a-brand exercise for the Donald, it’s not working.

 

The NY Times, in response to a demand by Trump to retract its groping story or be sued “We decline to do so.” And then “the essence of a libel claim, of course, is the protection of one’s reputation…. Nothing in our article has had the slightest effect on the reputation that Mr. Trump, through his own words and actions, has already created for himself.”

Got to start sometime.

September 5, 2016

Headline “Johnny Manziel” is taking classes again at Texas A&M.” Really?! ” What is this “again” they speak of.?”

 

Many things you don’t do in Denver. For starters, never diss John Elway. And never walk two hitters to start an inning at #CoorsField #SFGiants #Rockies

Matt Moore only had one bad inning.  Although by that token the Cubs have had only one bad century.

The #SFGiants ARE going to reach double digits in hits in a game again this season, aren’t they? #Wecandream

 

I know #LaborDay is a holiday, but don’t think that meant #SFGiants starting pitcher should join hitters in taking the day off.

#ColinKaepernick‘s jersey now the top seller on team. So either there’s no such thing as bad publicity, or NOBODY cares about the #49ers.

Okay, now there’s some controversy because Malia Obama was seen at Budweiser Made in America Festival in a ‘Smoking Kills’ T-shirt. Because she was seen smoking at Lollopalooza last month. Uh, folks, pretty sure Malia wasn’t smoking tobacco

#Texas upsets #NotreDame in two overtimes. This would have never happened in South Bend – refs would not have allowed it.

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Too soon to start a pool on which NFL team will now decide former 49ers TE Bruce Miller deserves a third chance?

Waiting for the bumper sticker. “Vote Trump because you hope he’ll change.”

 

Phyllis Schafly, 92, has died For the younger generation, she was almost as beloved by moderate and liberal women as Ann Coulter.

 

So I think I’ve got this straight. If Hillary doesn’t release every single one of her emails and documents it is because she is an evil person with something to hide. But if Trump doesn’t release his tax returns or records of his divorces or business dealings it’s because we just wouldn’t understand. #Sarcasm

Rudy Giuliani today on CNN, Trump “would find it very, very difficult to throw out a family that has been here for 15 years and they have three children, two of whom are citizens. That is not the kind of America he wants.”
Difficult, maybe, but the Donald could do it because he would have the biggest, the bestest people helping him….

Some seem to think that anyone voting for Hillary Clinton is excusing all her issues and faults. Nope. Hillary is a flawed candidate, and her flaws have been in the public eye for a long time.
But to paraphrase the late great Jean Marshall Crawford “She’s not perfect, but he’s nuts.”

 

And okay I realize that a majority of my friends and readers currently plan to vote for Hlllary, some cheerfully, some holding their noses. Some waiting to see if there is an “October Surprise.” Others will protest vote Libertarian, Green or write-in. But as to those voting Trump, a serious question to ask – is there anything he could do or say to change your minds?
Or could he indeed shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue because you dislike Hillary so much?

Gentlemen, coast your engines…

May 29, 2016

Alexander Rossi, who won the Indianapolis 500, decided not to pit late, so was running on fumes and literally coasting as he finished the race. So how many men will start explaining running out of gas to their wives and girlfriends – “Really, I was just trying to emulate an Indy driver.”

Auto racing is weird. How many other sports have the “highlights” later basically be a blooper tape? ‪#‎crashes‬ ‪#‎Indy500‬

Ah for the good old days, when on Memorial Day weekend Americans who liked to watch complete wrecks could watch the Indy 500, instead of our Presidential race.

Really? The ‪#‎Indy500‬ is now being marketed as part of the “Verizon IndyCar series?” ‪#‎howthemightyhavefallen‬

So the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are coming to SF to play the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ in 2 weeks. Is it too late to organize a ‪#‎Giants‬ laser pointer giveaway? ‪#‎LaserGate‬

Lost in yesterday’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬ 10-5 win vs ‪#‎Rockies‬: Winning pitcher Cory Gearrin also got his 1st at bat. And 1st hit. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬

Donald Trump has apparently narrowed his potential running mates to a “very small” list. Because there are only a “very small” number of people who will run with him?

 

Bernie Sanders today on “Meet the Press” said that while he thinks Donald Trump would be a “disaster” as President,  it is “the candidate’s job,”  to draw voters in — not the second-place finisher’s job to instruct them on how to vote.

For all Bernie’s talk about changing the Democratic party, that was sure spoken like a man who is planning to switch his registration back to Independent after the election is over.

 

Shouldn’t an 8-3 lead in the 9th inning at ‪#‎CoorsField‬ be counted as a save situation? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Rockies‬

 

 

Wow. The Mets’ Asdrúbal Cabrera a home run hard off ‪#‎Kershaw‬. Who does he think he is? Madison Bumgarner?

Meanwhile, Kershaw has more than 200 million reasons to get over it. But as much as I dislike the Dodgers, have to admit,  manager Davy Roberts pulls him in the 8th with two outs and a runner on first. The reliever promptly gives up the tying run, and get the win when the Dodgers come back in the 9th.  #baseballisacruelgame

 

From T.C.  “I know nusink about US politics, but I used to play ‘Bridge’. “3 No Trump” sounds like it may be a rallying slogan for his opposition?”

Rosy feeling

January 2, 2016

#Iowa discovered today it’s a lot easier to tip a cow than ‪#‎McCaffery ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎fearthetree‬

 

#‎Pac12‬ would be perfect in bowl games if weren’t for those underachieving schools from Southern California.

Christian McCaffery’s older brother is a WR at Duke, his younger brother Dylan will be a senior QB in HS & has accepted a scholarship to Colorado. Youngest brother Luke was JV QB last year. Note to ‪#‎Stanford‬ and ‪#‎DavidShaw‬: Recruit him now.

So to be a Power Five conference shouldn’t you actually have to win some bowl games? ‪#‎NotsoBig12‬

Overhead shot of the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ in the 4th quarter. Where did all the yellow fans go? ‪#‎Iowa‬ ‪#‎Stanford‬

So have to wonder, what did ‪#‎Iowa‬ coach tell his team at ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ halftime?

So you think there are any ‪#‎Heisman‬ voters wanting a mulligan? ‪#‎RoseBowl‬ ‪#‎McCaffery‬. ‪#‎Stanford‬

Brent Musburger very disappointed in ‪#‎McCaffery‬. Christian doesn’t have a known gorgeous girlfriend who Brent can droll over. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

Stealth bomber again shown flying over the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. So isn’t it supposed to be invisible?

Most of college football would like to thank Jim ‪#‎Harbaugh‬ and ‪#‎Michigan‬ for standing up today against idea of ‪#‎SEC‬ dominance. ‪#‎Citrusbowl‬

Note to Stanford grad Carly Fiorina – you’re better off panderingto Iowa with ethanol. And you’re as good at picking teams as you were at running HP. This tweet today “Love my alma mater, but rooting for a Hawkeyes win today. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

Sometimes you post on social media and later it’s “What was I thinking?”

Not this time though, posted a message to a friend doing ESPN stats for the Rose Bowl  (note time and date) “Hope McCaffery wears you out looking for offensive records that he breaks smile emoticon
December 30, 2015 at 11:17am”

(not that I had the courage of my convictions enough actually to BET on the game, or the records 🙂

Ohio State DE Joey Bosa, the likely 1st NFL draft pick was ejected in the 1st quarter of the Fiesta Bowl today for targeting. Well, heck, if he was going to be gone that fast, Bosa could have just done something more fun like missed curfew to party in Scottsdale.

At least Bosa did prove he is NFL ready.

Bill Cosby apparently sent out a tweet “Friends and fans, Thank You.” Not sure about ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ But certainly ‪#‎cantfixtonedeaf‬.

 

Looking back

December 28, 2015

Kobe Bryant,  asked about going back in time to offer advice to himself as a rookie said “compassion & empathy.”   And presumably don’t order room service?

The Arizona Cardinals look so good this year you have to wonder if Cuba Gooding, Jr. isn’t somehow involved. ‪#‎Showmethemoney‬ ‪#‎JerryMaguire‬

Atlanta Falcons beat the previously undefeated Carolina Panders  give the 72 Miami Dolphins cause to ask their kids or grandkids to open those pesky champagne bottles for them.

So many bowls this year that are akin to participation trophies with both teams aspiring to mediocrity. By that token the 49ers-Lions match-up should be an honorary bowl game.

 

Thom Brennaman, announcing SF-Detroit today – ‘”When you make mistakes like we’ve seen the 49ers make in this game, it’s not a surprise that they’ve won four games this year.”
Well, actually you do wonder how they managed to win those four games.

Houston beat up on Tennessee behind Brandon Weeden. How can you not root for a team led by a QB cut last month by the Dallas Cowboys? (who ended up doing SO well without him)

Stephen Colbert said today “Donald Trump is like — I’m not the first person to say this, but I completely agree — that he’s my old character with 10 billion dollars.” Except that we could laugh at Colbert without it hurting.

 

At a Walmart this week, a woman was arrested for allegedly shooting up meth and then riding a motorized shopping car through the store while drinking wine, eating sushi, cinnamon rolls and rotisserie chicken. Do I even have to say “Florida?”

And of course, to be fair, Walmart sushi might be more dangerous than the meth.

A Louisville mall had to close early last night because of almost 2,000 disorderly teens wreaking havoc in the shopping center. ‪#‎Ifonlytheywerearmed‬

 

A Southwest Airlines flight from Sacramento to Denver tonight was diverted to Oakland Sunday evening after they had “pressurization issues.” So which airline will be the first to add a “pressurization” fee?

“The Force Awakens” has passed $1 billion at the global box office. And Disney is now researching ways to help Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher live to be at least 100. ‪#‎Episode27‬?

Donald Trump today is accusing Bill Clinton of sexism. And both the pot and kettle are doubled over in hysterics.

Supposedly Hillary and Bill Clinton joined Chelsea, her husband Marc and baby Charlotte on a walk around mid-town Manhattan today and even stopped in a bookstore. Unbelievable, as if in mid-town Manhattan any bookstore could still exist and afford the rent

Finally.  Seriously.  Damn, R.I.P. Dave Henderson, 57. Impossible to dislike, even when he played for a team you hated. Going to be a lot livelier during those softball games in heaven.

Turkey time

November 26, 2015

 

The travel advisory says to avoid crowds. What fun is that?

 

 

dragon

So tomorrow is Black Friday.  When Americans who spent the day fighting with their relatives can use those newly honed skills to fight with their fellow shoppers over half-priced sweaters.

Police issued a court summons to a Russian man who with his son flew a drone over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade today, and the man is complaining ‘They thought I was a terrorist.”
Uh, considering the current climate, hope the summons includes a charge for criminal stupidity.

So Johnny Manziel has now been demoted to third string after he not only was seen partying in a video, but lied to his coaches about when the video was shot. Manziel is doing for the reputed intelligence of quarterbacks what Ben Carson is doing for neurosurgeons.

Washington has announced that CB Chris Culliver tore his ACL and will be out for the season, their 6th starter out for the year. Bummer. Makes it increasingly unlikely that the 4-6 Redskins will be the NFC East team that gets blown out in the first round of the playoffs.

 

So in honor of the day and their play today, should we temporarily rename them the Philadelphia Turkeys. ‪#‎Eagles‬ ‪#‎Lions‬

No NBA games on Thanksgiving. The league did, however, give Americans a holiday turkey early with the 76ers game.

There are rumors of Chip Kelly returning to college football. And he’s doing a great job of showing he can coach a CFB playoff level team.

76ers rookie Jahlil Okafor apparently knocked a guy out in a street fight in Boston last night. Of course Okafor should know better. But hey, it might be the only win he can remember this year.

A Portland hospital is apparently the first to offer nitrous oxide,aka laughing gas, as a pain medication during labor. Have to wonder, if they started doing this sooner, how much higher might the local birth rate be?

Happy Thanksgiving , or belated Thanksgiving, to all my readers.  You are the reason I do this and I am very grateful.  Seriously.  Now back to snark.