Posted tagged ‘John McCain jokes’

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Not quite vetted.

November 12, 2013

Today was Veteran’s Day.  When we honor those who have served our country by going to the mall to buy stuff made in countries we have fought against.

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President Obama honored a 107 year old WWII veteran at a D.C. Veteran’s Day ceremony. Guess John McCain was unavailable?

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Downton Abbey has been renewed for a fifth season. Glad they have the $$$, or rather pounds. But since the fourth season started in Sept. in England and won’t start in the U.S. until Jan 5. 11 days after the season four finale, American fans are thinking, how much more to get us on the same schedule?

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Amazon is teaming up with the U.S. Postal Service to deliver packages on Sundays. Procrastinators of the world, rejoice!

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Proof, again, that God does have a twisted sense of humor: A white supremacist trying to establish an all-white enclave in North Dakota found out during the taping of the “Trisha Show” that he is 14% “sub-Saharan African.”

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“Who’d a thunk a couple weeks ago looking at this Dolphins vs. Buccaneers game that Tampa Bay’s coach might be the one least considered to have totally lost is locker room.–

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And when the previously winless Buccaneers actually beat the Miami Dolphins tonight, did the 0-14 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs crack open a case of generic beer?

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Maybe it’s because I am a woman but somehow I’ve never thought female athletes were any less tough because they don’t threaten to kill each other in the locker room.

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Getting awfully tired of Facebook prompting “Where did you grow up.” This implies all of us on Facebook ARE grown up.
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The student body president of Oregon’s Northwest Christian University just came out – as an atheist. And sadly there are people who probably thought “well, at least he’s not gay.”
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McDonald’s is coming out with a new white chocolate mocha drink for the holiday season. Just the thing for those who’d rather drink the calories they get from a Big Mac.The Lakers announced that Steve Nash, 39, will miss at least two weeks with “nerve irritation.” ‘Nerve irritation?” What, as in “you punks are irritating my nerves, get off my court?”

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From T.C.   on the Red Sox’s top offseason targets: “Free agents Jacoby Ellsbury, Mike Napoli, Stephen Drew and the two guitarists from ZZ Top.”

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Don’t Jeer the Beard?

September 21, 2013

Senator John McCain tweeted after the Dodgers jumped in the Dbacks pool to celebrate “No-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats!”

Pitcher Brian Wilson’s tweet back “Senator McComplain knows a thing or two about coming in second and watching someone take a plunge in the pool (I mean poll) #POoLITICS“

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Alex Rodriguez apparently didn’t know Friday night that Andy Pettitte had announced his retirement.  A-Rod also doesn’t know it’s time to announce his OWN retirement.

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So the hottest new thing is a gold iPhone, and it’s already sold out? Come on, this is America. How long until someone comes up with iPhone paint?

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Anthony Weiner in an interview “I’m not an idiot.” (But I do play one on TV?)

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Yet another reason why the America’s Cup has not captured the attention of the country: Today’s race’s cancelled due to “changes in wind direction.”

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Raining in Oakland Saturday. And with the stadium’s sewage and draining problems,  had the A’s clinched, they wouldn’t need a pool…. they could have just swam in the dugout.

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From Marc Ragovin  “John McCain twitted that the Dodgers’ players celebrating in the Diamondbacks’ stadium pool after clinching the NL West was a “no-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats.” And he added “and stay off of my lawn.”

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Andy Pettitte, who admitted to using HGH, now says “I’ve never tried to cheat anything in my life.”. I guess it depends on what the definition of “cheat” is.

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Ohio State 76, FAMU 0. Good thing coach Urban Meyer is a classy guy who would never try to run up a score.

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GOP Florida Rep. Ted Yoho, who wants to shut down the govenment over defunding Obama care, told the NY Times “It only takes one with passion — look at Rosa Parks, Lech Walesa, Martin Luther King. people with passion that speak up, they’ll have people follow them because they believe the same way, and smart leadership listens to that.” And somewhere Parks, Walesa and King are taking turns throwing up.

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, before the season started: “We want to be above reproach.” After Aldon Smith’s latest arrest: “Well, we haven’t killed anyone yet.”

–The Cubs say they will not release closer Kevin Gregg despite his public criticism of the team. Makes sense, keep him suffering in Chicago long as possible –

There have been rumors that Nick Saban might be lured away from Alabama to coach Texas. Hmm, if true does it means the Crimson Tide is not far away from going on probation?

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This has been referred to as “Shark Week” in college football for all the ranked teams against much lesser opponents (Ohio State vs. FAMU, Louisville vs. Florida International, etc. ) In many of these cases think swimmers had a better chance against the sharks.
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And while Michigan escaped a now 0-3 UConn, the theme of the week has to be  “What if a week happened in the #NCAA football schedule but nothing happened and nobody cared?”
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Not all in?

September 5, 2013

Many are still buzzing over why John McCain was playing online poker during the Senate hearing on Syria. Maybe because he couldn’t figure out “Candy Crush?”

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Souvenir soda cups were sold at Notre Dame’s season opener with the words “FIGTHING IRISH” written on them. Who knew, the school had serious aspirations of joining the SEC?”

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer said some might see his suicide as “a happy ending to this story. But we’re in a civilized society and no one should really be celebrating this.” Oh, I don’t know. U.S. taxpayers for starters?

 

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The Chinese state media said the country needs to invest in promoting Mandarin, as more than 400 million Chinese are unable to speak the national language, and many in the country don’t speak it well. If they figure it out, maybe they can help America with our citizens and English?

 

A NY Post column today says “Can Jets win Super Bowl? Hey, there’s no law against it.” Last I looked there was no law against pigs flying either.

 

 

Oops. A Las Vegas billboard promoting UNLV athletics featured football coach Bobby Hauck alongside basketball coach Lon Kruger with the slogan “Come To Our House.” Except that Kruger left two years ago to coach Oklahoma. Why didn’t they just put up a picture of Jerry Tarkanian while they were at it?

 

George Zimmerman’s wife has filed for divorce. Suppose it would be cynical to wonder how much she was paid not to do this until after his trial was over…

 

 

Lamar Odom apparently checked out of a rehab center Thursday a day after he checked in for a drug problem. “Wow that’s fast,” said even Lindsay Lohan.

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Really? At Mile High Stadium the NFL had Ryan Seacrest do a corny countdown to the beginning of the season tonight. Maybe that 30 minute lightning delay was God’s way of saying “I’ll show you some real ‘after the break.'”

 

Syria is a tough one. But regarding all the GOP members of Congress who plan to vote “no,” how many were in favor of going into Iraq? And can we remind them of this vote the next time a Republican president who wants to bomb something?

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Off the island?

October 26, 2011

President Obama said tonight he wasn’t going to worry about his 2012 challenger until “everybody’s voted off the island.” The response from the producers of “Survivor.” Hey, our contestants are serious people.”

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Listening to some of these GOP candidates for 2012 makes me realize – it’s just possible John McCain didn’t pick the dimmest bulb in the Republican stable.

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The latest GOP presidential poll shows Herman Cain leading Mitt Romney 25% to 21%. Who does these things? The BCS computers?

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Okay, Rick Perry in a CNBC interview downplayed being a birther but said it’s “fun to poke” at Obama over the birth certificate issue. Does that mean Perry would think it’s fun for more Democrats to poke at him regarding the “switch-hitting” issue?

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Major League Baseball now claims that Los Angles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt “looted” nearly $190 million from the team. $190 million? Hard to imagine anyone taking that much money from a team without earning it, well who wasn’t a player signing a long-term contract.

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John Lackey has now joined Dice K in having had Tommy John surgery, the second Red Sox hurler to do so in 2011. Maybe the Sox need to start using more lightweight pitchers for their beer.

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USC’s running back Dillon Baxter, once hyped as the next Reggie Bush, is still enrolled at the school but is off the football team, according to Lane Kiffin. Guess at least this gives the Trojans more room under the salary cap.

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Terrell Owens scheduled a workout to show NFL teams that he is ready to play. Not a single team representative showed up. Surprising. One might think T.O. would get interest from one of the “SuckforLuck” contenders.

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Missouri hasn’t even officially left the Big 12, but the conference has West Virginia already lined up as a replacement. Meanwhile the Big East is in trouble – will they look at Hawaii next? This conference stuff is getting harder to keep track of than celebrity marriages.

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Wonder how long it will take until we see Tony LaRussa in a Verizon commercial – “Can you hear me now?”

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You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Rick Perry’s new “simplified” flat tax proposal will give taxpayers the choice, pay tax based on the old code, or his new code. Because nothing says simplify by figuring your taxes out twice?

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President Obama appeared Tuesday night on “the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.’ And the reviews go well Barack next time will aim for an appearance on a show with a national audience.

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Apparently several publishers have actually turned down Casey Anthony’s book proposal. So, contrary to popular belief, there actually MAY be some depths to which some businesses won’t go to make a profit.

(Although to be fair, hard to imagine such a volume would be a popular Christmas gift for any family member.)

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Do as I say….

May 28, 2010

Pablo Sandoval, all 260 cuddly pounds of him, more or less, has started working with elementary school students to promote physical fitness. Not that we don’t love “the Panda,” but isn’t him advising kids on being in shape like the rest of the Giants team advising them on hitting?

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Or choose your punchline…

Isn’t the heaviest man on the Giants advising kids about physical fitness like…

John Edwards dispensing relationship advice?

Lindsay Lohan encouraging responsible behavior?

The Chicago Cubs discussing winning philosophies?

Bristol Palin preaching abstinence? (Oops, never mind)

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The Oakland Raiders have filed a grievance against JaMarcus Russell, seeking back almost $10 million of the money they have paid him, presumably because of his disappointing and uninspired performance. Is this a great idea? If the judge rules in the team’s favor, how long before season ticket holders in turn file a grievance against the Raiders?

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Skytrax came out with their annual list of the top ten World’s Best Airlines. Not surprisingly no U.S. carriers were on the list. With all due respect, it’s hard to imagine U.S. airlines even making the top ten list for North America.

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John McCain is inexplicably strongly opposed to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” That may be because at his age it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Remember.”

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Since a new neighbor, Joe McGinniss is writing a book about her, Sarah Palin is building a tall fence around her home in Wasilla. In related news, Russia announced cutbacks in their anti-surveillance budget.

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Whoever said “Practice makes perfect?” It certainly wasn’t anyone who’s been following the University of Michigan football team.

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Jerry Brown has announced he has $20 million available for his fall gubernatorial campaign. And Meg Whitman responded “$20 million, isn’t that cute?”

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from my funny friend Marc Ragovin – tweaked just a little:

According to the BBC, a recent study has concluded that condoms manufactured to international standards are too big for the majority of Indian men. I guess that explains the country’s cricket league’s slogan: “Chicks Dig The Short Ball.”

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And in the equally tacky department, Barack Obama, increasingly frustrated with BP, apparently said today “Just plug the damn hole.”

Funny, apparently that’s about the same thing one of Tiger’s girlfriends said in response to one of his sexting messages.

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More embarrassment from Washington?

March 27, 2010

Yes, I know that title might be redundant.

But Gilbert Arenas, the Washington Wizards star who pled guilty after bringing four guns into the locker room, was sentenced today to 30 days in a halfway house, plus probation and community service. The judge could have handed down a much tougher sentence, like returning to play for the Wizards.

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Arenas does actually seem contrite at this point, and may actually finally realize the gravity of his actions. For example, after sentencing, could have included jail time, he did NOT tell the media that he felt he had “dodged a bullet.”

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Many fans of improbably basketball stories have been disappointed by the Sweet Sixteen games in this year’s tournament. Which after a wild first weekend featured relatively few surprises.

On the other hand, it would be hard to top the true basketball shocker of the weekend – The New Jersey Nets have won two straight.

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President Obama’s second choice to head the Transportation Security Agency withdrew his name from consideration today, two months after the President’s first choice also withdrew. (No doubt too, many other candidates didn’t even make it through the initial process.)

And here Obama probably figured that with Air Force One the one thing he wouldn’t have to deal with was TSA hassles

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A British researcher claims that men raised by nannies are more likely to cheat because they get the idea as little boys that they should have more than one woman to take care of their needs And all over England, people are exclaiming, “Mary Poppins, you homewrecker.”

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Looks like “24” is in the midst of its last season on television, Although instead of a true final episode, the series may continue on just to finish with a two hour movie. In that case, shouldn’t they change the show’s name to “26?”

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Many observers took the fact that John McCain asked Sarah Palin to campaign with him as a sign that he has forgiven all the presidential campaign issues, and all the problems Palin caused. Could be. Or more likely, McCain just doesn’t remember.

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Omar Samhan, the talkative star of the St. Mary’s Gaels., turns out to be a serious Taylor Swift fan. In fact, during an interview, he said to the cameras, “I love you Taylor, you should call me.” Unfortunately, the only callback he got was from Kanye West.

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Chet Simmons, the first president of ESPN, died this week at the age of 81. No word on a cause of death; maybe he had Kansas-Villanova in the finals.

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It’s over….

January 8, 2010

Yes, the college bowl season is over. You know it probably went on too long when the last truly awful football plays of the year weren’t made by the Detroit Lions.

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Congrats to the Crimson Tide for winning the BCS National Championship Game against a Colt McCoy-less Longhorns team. And over in Idaho, the Boise State Broncos are thinking, with some reason… we could take either of these teams.

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Tonight’s BCS championship game between Texas and Alabama was played over a month after both teams played their last games. The players have been so bored, some of them have actually gone to class

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Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy was injured and out of the BCS Championship early. It was the most desperate time Texans could remember without a real leader since George W. Bush was governor.
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The BCS championship game was played over a month after the regular season ended. “And the problem with that is?” said Bud Selig.

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Of course, the reason for the huge delay until the final game was for hype, and television ratings. Which means someday the World Series could be known as the “Thanksgiving Classic.”

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It now appears Gilbert Arenas’s teammate Javaris Crittenton actually cocked and loaded his gun during their locker room confrontration. But come on, he’s a Wizard. There was no chance he would get off a good shot.

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USC quarterback Aaron Corp, who lost his starting job to Matt Barkley after being injured, announced that he was transferring to the University of Richmond. Corp must really want out. Being at Richmond is likely to be a heckuva pay cut.

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A sting operation caught as many as 58 nine potential illegal immigrants last Sunday in Foxboro. The men were their way to shovel snow off the field at Gillette Stadium before the Patriots game. This could be the biggest immigrant roundup in sports since the Yankees took their team picture.

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According to the New York Post, White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi are apparently being paid $5000 to headline a party at Caesar’s Palace nightclub. Well, that will discourage them.

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The organizers for the party who are paying gate-crashing Salahi’s a $5000 appearance fee expect to sell several hundred tickets. With an actual attendance figure of about 20,000.

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John McCain has released an anti-Obama commercial to kick off his own re-election campaign. Senator McCain wanted the commercial to look as up-to-date and modern as possible so he insisted it be shot in Technicolor.

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In Rod we trust…

January 29, 2009

Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich just keeps coming up with more and more rationales and excuses for his behavior. Any day now expect to hear that he is simply trying to be a one-man comedy stimulus program.

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Both Super Bowl teams are particularly excited this year about winning and thus getting to meet President Barack Obama. Right now, the Arizona Cardinals are favored to lose by about seven points. Which puts them right on track for a meeting with Senator John McCain.

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Despite major losses in the last two elections, and despite the President’s willingness to talk to them, House Republican leaders told their members to vote against any stimulus bill Obama proposed. Isn’t this kind of like the team captains of the Detroit Lions telling fellow players not to pay any attention to the new coach?

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The NFL has already sold over 70,000 seat for next October’s game in London between the Patriots and Buccaneers. In the meantime, tough economic conditions in the U.S. have the 49ers and Raiders thinking of sharing a stadium. Have they considered Wembley?

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The Oakland Raiders are reputedly hiring Tom Cable as their 2009 head coach, thus removing the “interim” from his title. With all due respect, shouldn’t “interim” be required in any Raiders’ head coach’s title?

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