Posted tagged ‘Gilbert Arenas jokes’

More embarrassment from Washington?

March 27, 2010

Yes, I know that title might be redundant.

But Gilbert Arenas, the Washington Wizards star who pled guilty after bringing four guns into the locker room, was sentenced today to 30 days in a halfway house, plus probation and community service. The judge could have handed down a much tougher sentence, like returning to play for the Wizards.

Arenas does actually seem contrite at this point, and may actually finally realize the gravity of his actions. For example, after sentencing, could have included jail time, he did NOT tell the media that he felt he had “dodged a bullet.”

Many fans of improbably basketball stories have been disappointed by the Sweet Sixteen games in this year’s tournament. Which after a wild first weekend featured relatively few surprises.

On the other hand, it would be hard to top the true basketball shocker of the weekend – The New Jersey Nets have won two straight.

President Obama’s second choice to head the Transportation Security Agency withdrew his name from consideration today, two months after the President’s first choice also withdrew. (No doubt too, many other candidates didn’t even make it through the initial process.)

And here Obama probably figured that with Air Force One the one thing he wouldn’t have to deal with was TSA hassles

A British researcher claims that men raised by nannies are more likely to cheat because they get the idea as little boys that they should have more than one woman to take care of their needs And all over England, people are exclaiming, “Mary Poppins, you homewrecker.”

Looks like “24” is in the midst of its last season on television, Although instead of a true final episode, the series may continue on just to finish with a two hour movie. In that case, shouldn’t they change the show’s name to “26?”

Many observers took the fact that John McCain asked Sarah Palin to campaign with him as a sign that he has forgiven all the presidential campaign issues, and all the problems Palin caused. Could be. Or more likely, McCain just doesn’t remember.

Omar Samhan, the talkative star of the St. Mary’s Gaels., turns out to be a serious Taylor Swift fan. In fact, during an interview, he said to the cameras, “I love you Taylor, you should call me.” Unfortunately, the only callback he got was from Kanye West.

Chet Simmons, the first president of ESPN, died this week at the age of 81. No word on a cause of death; maybe he had Kansas-Villanova in the finals.


The Nets, Wizards, and other jokes…

January 29, 2010

The Washington Wizards say they want to move forward after the suspensions of Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. Hello, the team is 14-30. Forward’s about the only direction they can go.

Any further backwards and they’d be the Washington Generals.

(note, if that last joke was to archaic, the Generals are the perennial rivals to the Harlem Globetrotters.)

The Nets, 4-40 (no, that’s not a misprint), now take on the Washington Wizards, 14-30, on Friday night. “May the best team win” somehow doesn’t seem like an appropriate comment.

Even for hardcore Republicans, Barack Obama’s State of the Union did not contain the most unbelievable moment on television Wednesday night; that would have been when they switched to Sportcenter and saw that the New Jersey Nets actually won.

For serious fans of professional NBA basketball, watching the Nets-Wizards game has to be as appealing as it would be for conservatives to watch a Nancy Pelosi-Hillary Clinton debate…

John Mayer now says he has masturbated his way out of problems. Yeah, except for “No officer, I wasn’t texting/drinking/using a cellphone while I was driving, I was…oh never mind…give me the ticket…”

So when is Apple going to start giving out free pink cases for the iPad so you can carry it discreetly in your purse or briefcase?

NBC is ending the Jay Leno show a few days earlier than planned before the Winter Olympics. Apparently they want to fill the slot with programming that will get higher ratings – like NHL hockey.

The media is reporting that Tiger Woods is in a sex rehab camp. A camp? Do they go around chanting “Two, four, six, eight, we don’t need to fornicate?

And from Bill Littlejohn: Reportedly Elin Woods was a guest of the Favres in the past week.No wonder she can’t make up her mind whether to leave Tiger or not”

Millions of dollars and no women in the focus group?

January 28, 2010

I’m not the only woman to have thought of something like this, but wouldn’t you think millions (or billions) in development at Apple might have resulted in a name that doesn’t sound like a feminine hygiene product.

The iPad only stores 64GB of data. For days that you need more power will Apple come up wth the iMaxipad?

And where is the large screen version for seniors – “iDepends?”

And will a version targeted to men be known as iFlomax?

With Kentucky’s loss Tuesday, college basketball will have a new top-ranked team for the fourth time this month. These “number ones” are proving to be as durable as Tiger Woods’ marriage vows.

Greg Oden will probably be hearing for a long time about his nude pictures that have ended up on the internet. But who knew that Oden’s plans after the NBA included running for the Massachusetts senate?

NBA commissioner David Stern met with Gilbert Arenas on Wednesday, and suspended the Wizard guard for the remainder of the season. It probably didn’t help that Arenas asked that it be scheduled at “high noon at the Ok Corral.”

I just don’t think Gilbert Arenas gets it. After he and teammate Javaris Crittenton were suspended for the remainder of the season for their guns in the locker room, he volunteered to host a fundraiser for Haiti. His idea? An All-Star shoot-around.

The following line inspired by a setup from Max Worthington,

“Erectile dysfunction can be a blessing.”

I’ll bet now John Edwards wishes he had had it.

Former President George W. Bush called President Obama to give him tips on his first “State of the Union.” For starters Bush said “the speech is misnamed- there are 50 of them.”

Toyota has stopped selling eight of their most popular models while they fix a problem with the gas pedal. So finally a month that American car sales may catch up with imports.

No deadline.

January 27, 2010

Minnesota coach Brad Childress said he would “not impose a deadline” on Brett Favre to make a decision about next season. Instead he will focus on his more realistic offseason project – cat herding.

According to a Halifax newspaper, a Canadian couple are such Toronto hockey fanatics that they will wear Maple Leafs jerseys when they get married Jan. 30. Apparently they wanted to wait until the Leafs were formally eliminated from the playoffs.

Greg Oden is the latest NBA player facing embarrassment after nude pictures he took for a girlfriend surfaced on the internet. On the other hand, at least the Trailblazers have to be happy that the answer to the question definitely wasn’t that it was a gun in his pocket.

No word on the rumor that Greg Oden and Gilbert Arenas will be teaming up to star in a movie sequel of “Naked Gun.”

A scientist speaking at London’s Royal Society says that while we have been looking for extraterrestials, alien life may already be here on earth. If true, my money’s on Keith Richards.

After the world champion Lakers visited the White House Monday, Kobe Bryant returned for a private meeting with Barack Obama Tuesday. Apparently the President wanted to talk to someone who knows how it feels to never pass anything.

Not so cheap shots…

January 7, 2010

The NBA has suspended Gilbert Arenas indefinitely. Bummer for Wizards fans. This really puts a dent in their hopes of catching the Charlotte Bobcats for fourth place. (In a five team division.)

David Stern says he has concluded that Arenas “is not currently fit to take the court in an NBA game.” Stay tuned tomorrow, when the commissioner suspends the New Jersey Nets.

How strong is the new Gilbert Arenas cocktail? You’re out of commission before you take the first shot.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan proclaimed that his 9-7 team should be the favorites to win the Super Bowl. “Is he out of his mind?” asked Joe Namath.

Mike Shanahan was introduced as the new coach of the Washington Redskins. Fans have high hopes for him. Who knows, Shanahan could even last three years out of his five year contract.

Brit Hume has stated that he thinks Tiger Woods should convert to Christianity. Yeah, that’s worked so well for Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign and Bill Clinton.