Posted tagged ‘Kanye West jokes’

Sing it.

February 16, 2016

Not sure what makes me feel older at Grammys, the “in memoriams” or all these major acts I have never heard of.

 

You know it’s bad when the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ halftime show had better audio than the ‪#‎GRAMMYs‬

 

#‎Hamilton‬ wins Grammy for best musical theater album. Good for them. but this could really make tickets hard to get.

#‎TaylorSwift‬‘s “Out of the Woods” was received so well at tonight’s ‪#‎GRAMMYs‬ she’ll need to find a new boyfriend to break up with to top it.

For all those who say that Peyton Manning is getting a pass from the media over his past sexual assault allegation because he is white, I give you the adulation also now given at the end of his career to Kobe Bryant.

 

Dylan McCaffrey, a QB and the younger brother of Christian, has committed to Michigan. Good for Jim Harbaugh. But an important note – Stanford didn’t make him an offer.

Sign of the apocalypse? USA today is projecting the ‪#‎Cubs‬ to win 101 games.#

Anyone but me want to see ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ & ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ try to get together and see if their egos will fit in the same room?

Hoping those folks who claimed to be offended by Beyonce at ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ are listening to ‪#‎GRAMMYs‬ tonight with picture off. #seriouslyskimpyclothing

Kanye West says he’s $53 million in debt. If true “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

So if Kanye West’s really $53 million in debt will he declare bankruptcy? If so, maybe that will be the first step for Kanye to show he’s serious about running for President.

Who says Californians don’t have weather problems in February? Why, after leaving my car in a shopping center parking lot today for an hour I had to turn the fan on driving home to cool it down….

So Antonin Scalia was reportedly found with a pillow over his head, but looking “peaceful” and his family waived an autopsy. ‪#‎BlameObama‬ conspiracy theories in 3-2-1…..

 

Jeb Bush is taking some grief for having his brother campaign for him in South Carolina. But after watching recent GOP debates, have to figure a lot of Americans are thinking W. doesn’t look so bad by comparison. ‪#‎maybedumbbutnotbatshitcrazy‬

Got to love targeted advertising. Clicked on a story about major Comcast outages across the country, and then almost immediately got a Yahoo ad to switch to Comcast.

Even Anthony Weiner is beginning to think that ‪#‎EliotSpitzer‬ has serious issues with women.

Marco Rubio’s latest ad referenced Reagan’s 1984 “Morning in America” ad. Except the footage was from…. Vancouver! Is Rubio trying to be Ted Cruz’s running mate?

Apparently the Democrats don’t want to debate on Fox News. I don’t know. Seems like a fine opportunity for both Hillary and Bernie to show they’re tough enough to stand up to Megyn Kelly.

The price of everything.

February 12, 2016

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been permanently suspended by MLB after his third PED suspension, the all since April 2015. Being caught three times in a year? That’s not a suspension for PEDs, that’s a suspension for stupidity.

Jim Harbaugh and his staff racked up $136,000.in private jet costs during a two week recruiting window this January. And if Michigan beats Ohio State, school officials and alums will consider that a bargain.

Louisiana is facing a $940 million deficit, New Gov. John Bel Edwards has said without tax increases, there will be massive layoffs and canceled classes at state campuses. Meaning that students attending those universities “will receive a grade of incomplete, many students will not be able to graduate and student athletes across the state at those schools will be ineligible to play next semester. That means you can say farewell to college football next fall.”
Okay, not sure his future political aspirations, but THIS is a man who knows how to play hardball.

 

Bryce Harper, asked about a potential $400 million contract, responded “don’t sell me short.” So does that mean Harper is expecting to be a Yankee or Dodger some day?

Regarding the Mavericks surfing championship.  I’m all for choice but how many sports make moms wish their kids did some safer sport like football?

The Parents of former Jackie Robinson West baseball players have sued Little League and ESPN, saying they knew some children might be ineligible but “chose to ignore and/or deliberately conceal these facts in order to garner higher ratings, publicity, and money.”
So even though the team was caught cheating with residency, but still got a White House and MLB World Series trip out of the deal, this suit says they were wronged. And we wonder why Americans hate lawyers.

Kanye West now says about his tirade against Taylor Swift that “bitch” is a term of endearment. Right, I’m sure he calls Kim that all the time….

Just to prove the U.S. doesn’t have a monopoly on political circuses, I bring you this story from Japan, where the first MP who tried to take paternity leave has resigned. After a magazine broke the story that during his wife’s pregnancy, he had an affair with a bikini model….

A Florida woman was charged with child neglect after her dad found her naked, drunk (.305 blood alcohol level, not a typo) and unconscious while she was babysitting a young child. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

In San Francisco, a place called Equator Coffee was selling cups of coffee made from Finca Sophia beans for $15. And they sold out. And we wonder why other countries hate us?

Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore dropped out of the 2016 Presidential race. Shocking millions of Americans who had no idea he was running.

So Marco Rubio, who has spoken only eight times on the Senate floor since January, 2015, still spends $60,000 a year for a speechwriter. Isn’t this like Donald Trump employing a fact-checker?

The Pope today in Cuba had a meeting with the head of the Russian Orthodox church, their first conversation in almost 1,000 years. So maybe there’s hope for Democrats and Republicans.

Barry Manilow, 72, has had to cancel concerts after he was told not to speak or sing for a while after throat surgery. “What a shame” said millions of women and gay men and about three of their spouse

 

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “So W will be campaigning for Jeb in South Carolina. I hope for Jeb’s sake he shows more brotherly love than Eli Manning.”

And the winner should have been….

February 22, 2015

Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.

As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?

Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.

On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.

 

Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.

American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels.   So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?

Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?

Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.

A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?

Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. ‪#‎doublingdownonstupid‬

Still sleepless after all these years.

February 16, 2015

SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.

 

Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.

 

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

 

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

 

It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.

#‎Bassomatic‬. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

Who knew ‪#‎MileyCyrus‬ could perform with all her clothes on? ‪#‎SNL40‬

 

 

Why oh why couldn’t ‪#‎SNL40‬ have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt ‪#‎KanyeWest‬ tonight?

Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.

As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.

Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”

In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)

7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.

Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.

Can you hear me now?

February 12, 2015

Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that “voices in my head” told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck. How come these “voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?

Ice is being trucked into Levi’s Stadium for an outdoor NHL game between the San Jose Sharks and LA Kings, Feb 21. So for one night the place will be almost as cold as the last meeting between Jim Harbaugh and Jed York.

Jerry Tarkanian, 84, has passed away. Out of habit the NCAA has launched an investigation.

In France, “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has been given the second lowest age rating, so children 12 and up will be able to see the film in theaters. In related news, millions of American kids have suddenly asked their parents about a family spring break in Paris.

U.S. Little League champions Jackie Robinson West have been stripped of their wins for cheating. Alas, looks like these kids (or at least their parents and coaches)  are indeed ready for the big leagues.

Oregon’s governor John Kitzhaber is facing calls for his resignation over him using his fiancee as an advisor, and paying her $118,000. And in Illinois and Louisiana they’re sniffing “Amateurs!”

A young woman who was hired at a Texas pizza restaurant tweeted out “Ew I start this **** *** job tomorrow.” When another employee saw it, he told the owner who tweeted back “And….no you don’t start that ** job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!” Ah for the good old days when to be that foolishly indiscreet you had to have someone actually overhear your complaining. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

NBA analyst Greg Anthony has a plea deal where his soliciting prostitution charge will be dropped in exchange for 32 hours of community service and stays out of trouble for four months.” Four months. Hmm. Might be good news for escort services working the NBA finals.

 

Montana State Rep David Moore today introduced a bill to expand the state’s indecent exposure rule to include both male and female nipple exposure, and  “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” Moore added “Yoga pants should be illegal in public anyway.” Just guessing this is a man who never wants to take his family on vacation to Florida.

Picked up a little pot of tulips. Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with “For decoration only. Do not consume.” And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions? ‪#‎cantfixstupid

Three “contestants” from Juan Pablo Galavis’s 2013 stint on “The Bachelor” have gotten engaged or married since the show was over. Well, the “reality” show probably did perform those women a service. After time with Juan Pablo, most other men look pretty good by comparison.

The Costa Concordia captain was sentenced today to 16 years. Only 6 months for each life that was lost.   But some satisfaction for victims’ families at least in knowing he will be “pushed into” a cell.

 

From Chaunce Ball.  “Have to admire Bruce Jenner’s timing. He waited to start the transition until he was too old to go through menopause.”

Decisions, decisions.

September 11, 2014

In South Africa, verdicts can take two days. And in Thursday’s’s first day of the verdict in the Oscar Pistorius trial the judge says Pistorius is not guilty of murder. Wonder if she grew up in Los Angeles?  Or if she wants to move there.

In San Francisco, 49ers announcer Ted Robinson on KNBR-AM said Monday about Janay Rice, “How does she marry him after that? How does she go in front of Goodell? That’s pathetic to me.” And Robinson got suspended two games. The same original suspension Rice got…….

So Ray MacDonald plays after his domestic violence arrest, as Aldon Smith did after his DUI arrest and announcer Ted Robinson gets suspended for his insensitive comments. So is the lesson here in the SF football world, we’ll give you due process on whatever you do as long as you keep your mouth shut?

 

Indiana Pacers star Paul George “I don’t condone hittin women or think it’s coo BUT if SHE ain’t trippin then I ain’t trippin.. Lets keep it movin lol let that man play!” So where’s the app that says “You are a public figure, do you REALLY want to post that?”

Tough Thursday night NFL game for women #SteelersRavens. – the team supporting the alleged rapist against the team that supported the wife beater.

Now according to OTL, several sources are saying Ray Rice told Roger Goodell in June that he had punched his fiancee in an elevator, and “that he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again.”. Though the NFL commissioner just said “when we met with Ray Rice and his representatives, it was ambiguous about what actually happened.” Hard to believe, but Rice may come out of this looking better than Goodell.

So is there a 2014 unwritten rule that in Northern California one baseball team must s*ck at all times? #SFGiants #As

Bud Selig today, asked about the Rice/ Goodell situations says that a domestic violence “has been discussed (by MLB), because we’re sensitive to all issues.” Right, another of Selig’s “blue ribbon committees.” Amazed the man hasn’t strained an arm patting himself so hard on the back.

 

Paloaltoonline.com notes that Stanford football is “not ready to push the panic button” after last week’s loss to USC. And based on last week, if the Cardinal offense got close to the panic button, they probably couldn’t hit it.

 

Kanye West went to a hospital emergency room in Australia for “a pretty intense migraine.” About as big a headache as many Americans get hearing about him and Kim?

Sarah Palin on the mess in the Mideast. “War is hell. So go big or go home, Mr. President. Big means bold, confident, wise assurance from a trustworthy Commander-in-Chief that it shall be worth it. Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.” And just imagine, John McCain wanted this woman to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

 

A 6th-grade teacher in D.C. will apologize to students for asking them to draw comparisons between George W. Bush and Adolph Hitler. So they think she should have asked for comparisons between Cheney and Hitler?

(And yes, I know what she did was flat out wrong as a teacher and she should be reprimanded. Teachers should be held to a higher standard. Joke-writers on the other hand…..)

Doh – ritos

October 22, 2013

A new Gallup poll says 58% of Americans now support legalizing marijuana, the highest percentage ever. And no doubt that doesn’t count another 5-10% who responded, “uh, sure, maybe, I don’t know, what was that question again, man?

n an effort to combat drug-trafficking, Uruguay will start selling legal marijuana for $1 a gram. In related news, expect travel agents soon to report a huge surge in vacation requests for Montevideo.

Why punctuation and careful typing matters, sports version. A fan purchased a World Series ticket on Stubhub for $3.00 (plus a $3 service fee). After the seller apparently left out a comma and/or a couple zeros.

Temperatures in Boston are supposed to dip down to near freezing Wednesday night for the opening of the World Series. Guess that’s why they call it the “Winter Classic.”

The NFL continues their Europe marketing plan with SF-Jacksonsville in London this weekend. And the Brits are thinking “Okay, thanks for sending the 49ers over, don’t we get a second professional team?”

Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park. So SF fans, yes, the park has finally seen something scarier than the 2013 Giants’ hitting with runners in scoring position….

(alternate punchline “scarier than Brian Wilson in a Dodgers uniform.”    Other suggestions encouraged.)

Tim Lincecum signed a new contract with the SF Giants for two years, $35 million. Guess we know a reason why they were willing to take Kanye West’s money.

John McCain is thinking of running for re-election to the Senate in 2016, when he will be 80. And Hillary Clinton is thrilled- McCain will make her look young and vigorous!

Why men should not do wedding planning. A British groom was sentenced to a year in jail after he admitted to calling in a bomb hoax for St. George’s Hall in Liverpool. He was trying to cover up the fact he had forgotten to book the hall for his own wedding…..

Apparently the NY Jets knew the Patriots might try the illegal pushing play during field goals, and alerted the refs to watch for it. And the Sunday before, the Patriots had allegedly tried it against New Orleans, whose defensive coordinator is… Rob Ryan. Oh brother.

Regarding the Obamacare website and the idea that it would be up and running without bugs on schedule: these folks may know how to reform healthcare, but they sure don’t know software engineers.

Despite polls showing the voters overwhelmingly blaming the GOP for the government shutdown, Ted Cruz said he’ll try to do it again in January. At this rate the Texas senator stands to get a lot of donations – from Democrats.

Just proving that when it comes to crazy, your state may matter more than your political party. Democratic congressman Alan Grayson, who is white, sent a fundraising email which equated the Tea Party to the Ku Klux Klan, and had a burning cross for the letter “T.” Yes, he’s from Florida.

Truth from Jim Barach:  A poll says that nearly half of all Americans say that everyone in Congress should be replaced. All that needs to happen is for those people to tell that to the quarter of Americans who actually vote in congressional elections.