Posted tagged ‘Levis stadium jokes’

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.

 

These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans

 

#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak

 

Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.

 

 

While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport

 

Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport

 

Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport

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Can you hear me now?

February 12, 2015

Kanye West told Ryan Seacrest that “voices in my head” told him to go on stage at the Grammys and rant against Beck. How come these “voices’ in people’s heads never tell them to sit down and shut up?

Ice is being trucked into Levi’s Stadium for an outdoor NHL game between the San Jose Sharks and LA Kings, Feb 21. So for one night the place will be almost as cold as the last meeting between Jim Harbaugh and Jed York.

Jerry Tarkanian, 84, has passed away. Out of habit the NCAA has launched an investigation.

In France, “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has been given the second lowest age rating, so children 12 and up will be able to see the film in theaters. In related news, millions of American kids have suddenly asked their parents about a family spring break in Paris.

U.S. Little League champions Jackie Robinson West have been stripped of their wins for cheating. Alas, looks like these kids (or at least their parents and coaches)  are indeed ready for the big leagues.

Oregon’s governor John Kitzhaber is facing calls for his resignation over him using his fiancee as an advisor, and paying her $118,000. And in Illinois and Louisiana they’re sniffing “Amateurs!”

A young woman who was hired at a Texas pizza restaurant tweeted out “Ew I start this **** *** job tomorrow.” When another employee saw it, he told the owner who tweeted back “And….no you don’t start that ** job today! I just fired you! Good luck with your no money, no job life!” Ah for the good old days when to be that foolishly indiscreet you had to have someone actually overhear your complaining. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

NBA analyst Greg Anthony has a plea deal where his soliciting prostitution charge will be dropped in exchange for 32 hours of community service and stays out of trouble for four months.” Four months. Hmm. Might be good news for escort services working the NBA finals.

 

Montana State Rep David Moore today introduced a bill to expand the state’s indecent exposure rule to include both male and female nipple exposure, and  “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” Moore added “Yoga pants should be illegal in public anyway.” Just guessing this is a man who never wants to take his family on vacation to Florida.

Picked up a little pot of tulips. Small stick with care instructions in the soil. Ending with “For decoration only. Do not consume.” And they assume anyone dumb enough to eat tulips is smart enough to read instructions? ‪#‎cantfixstupid

Three “contestants” from Juan Pablo Galavis’s 2013 stint on “The Bachelor” have gotten engaged or married since the show was over. Well, the “reality” show probably did perform those women a service. After time with Juan Pablo, most other men look pretty good by comparison.

The Costa Concordia captain was sentenced today to 16 years. Only 6 months for each life that was lost.   But some satisfaction for victims’ families at least in knowing he will be “pushed into” a cell.

 

From Chaunce Ball.  “Have to admire Bruce Jenner’s timing. He waited to start the transition until he was too old to go through menopause.”

Orange fever.

October 5, 2014

Game time for Giants vs. Nationals is 2:07p. So SF fans won’t have to get that sudden debilitating mystery illness at work Monday until about noon.

 

So the AL representative in ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ will be either the  Kansas City ‪#‎Royals‬ or the Baltimore ‪#‎Orioles‬. And Fox executives just threw up.

 

Still can’t get over all those empty seats in Nationals Park Saturday night in extra innings. It was if we were watching a Nationals game and an Expos game broke out.

(And okay, so it was almost midnight and getting colder.  As a veteran of the 7 plus hour Giants-Dodgers twilight doubleheader in July 1988, however, I have cred on this issue.  Scott Garrelts lost BOTH games, the second about 130a.)

 

On the other hand, right about now all those ‪#‎49ers‬ fans who complained about how cold it was at ‪#‎CandlestickPark‬ thinking “I take it back.” ‪#‎LevisStadium‬

The sunny-side of the stadium was largely empty in the second half of today’s 49ers-Chiefs game. On a brighter note, maybe the 49ers can rent out the place on weekdays as the world’s largest tanning booth?

Randy Moss now says of playing under Jim Harbaugh with the 49ers: “He treated us men like we were still college kids at Stanford.” Does Moss mean Harbaugh overestimated most of the team’s maturity level?

 

Saw today’s new poll of the best 25 college teams and it inexplicably left off the ‪#‎NYJets‬

Although  main thought watching week 5 in the ‪#‎NFL‬. This league has a lot of mediocre football teams.

So #11 Oregon, who beat #8 MSU by 18, is ranked below the Spartans in today’s coaches poll, and an undefeated #12 TCU is ranked below the #9 Oklahoma team they beat. Well, no one ever suggested anyone connected with college football is good with math.

Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders, has passed away at the age of 76. Please can someone get a comment from Sarah Palin on his death?

Lots of rumors that this is Jim Harbaugh’s last year with the 49ers. This morning Jed York tweeted “Jim is my coach. We are trying to win a SB, not a personality or popularity contest. Any more questions?” Well, at least York didn’t say he was behind Harbaugh 1000%.

Who ever thought ‪#‎Jets‬ fans would be looking back longingly to the glory days of ‪#‎MarkSanchez‬ and ‪#‎TimTebow‬?

 

More “Why there is no satire.” Todd Kincannon, former executive director of the South Carolina GOP tweeted yesterday. “People with Ebola in the US need to be humanely put down immediately.” And followed it with “The protocol for a positive Ebola test should be immediate humane execution and sanitization of the whole area. That will save lives.” And yes, he’s “pro-life.”

Joint joke with my friend Alex  Kaseberg.  “What is with all the long, bushy beards on baseball players. Have not seen this many beards since Tom Cruise was auditioning potential future wives.”

 

Scoring and not scoring

August 17, 2014

Okay, so who had the #SFGiants outscoring the #49ers today?


Did #49ers try to avoid postgame traffic mess by playing in a way to encourage fans to leave early? #LevisStadium

So will the #49ers announce their starting QB by the third game of the #NFL preseason?


Inside Laguna Coast Wilderness Park, in Southern California, park rangers discovered a marijuana farm with about 4,000 plants. After waiting two weeks to see if the farmers returned, they chopped down the plants and hauled them away. Two weeks? That was plenty of time to make a deal with Colorado.


A 22-year-old Texas woman told police that she stole a $3.99 bottle of wine and drank it in public so she would get arrested and be able to see her boyfriend in jail. Might we have unanimous agreement across the country that this woman should have free birth control?


In Los Angeles, officials plan to start a pilot program that will make ballots into lottery tickets, with cash prizes of up to $50,000. Critics worry that the idea will lead to people voting for cash with no knowledge of the candidates. As opposed to voting for free with no knowledge of the candidates?

SF Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers seem to be playing a rotating game of “Hot Potato” with the Division title.

Michigan natives and Olympic gold medalists Charlie White and Meryl Davis were grand marshals for Sunday’s Pure Michigan 400. But they were booed for their “Drivers, start your engines” rendition. Gosh, with all the overlap between NASCAR and ice skating fans, who saw this coming?


A 62 year old woman who has been trying to stowaway on planes for months, and finally made it onboard a Southwest flight, was released 3 days into her 117 day jail sentence due to Los Angeles jail overcrowding. Since she’ll no doubt try to be back on a plane in a week, maybe some airline should just hire her. She’d be friendlier (and younger) than some flight attendants


All this drama over preseason #NFL football. If it actually meant anything teams would charge regular season prices for tickets.

Tweet of the day from an expert on the U.S. legal system. “Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted by a LIB DEM special prosecutor for doing his job. I’ve been there, done that. This is the same tactic that Vladimir Putin uses to eliminate his political opponents. Thanks, Mr. Obama.” The tweeter? Oliver North.

Understand that U.S. government spending is an issue. But still hard to fathom how many people who want spending cuts for welfare and foreign aid think that somehow the $$$ won’t count if we spend it, again, to try to stabilize Iraq.

Finally, from T.C. “The Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks were lucky their plane landed in Denver for tonight’s preseason game vs The Broncos. Throughout the flight; the players kept chanting “Omaha, Omaha!”.

Down so low.

May 9, 2013

 

What’s going on in LA with the #Dodgers & #Angels? #Clippers & #Lakers saying “We didn’t look that bad until we made it to the playoffs.”.

 

Pau Gasol will be the latest Laker to have surgery, with an operation on his knees scheduled for tomorrow. This Los Angeles team is increasingly becoming an expensive burden on Medicare.

The government has apparently made a deal with former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling to cut his sentence down to 10 years from 17 1/2, in exchange for Skilling dropping his expensive appeals and making $40 million restitution. More of the Golden Rule at work, if you have gold, you can bend the rules.

Good news that Blue Jays pitcher J.A.Happ has been released from the hospital after taking a wicked line drive off the head last night. Here’s hoping Happ is back on the mound soon, ideally against the Angels. They’re not hitting the ball hard enough to hurt anybody.

Just how much do they hate Democrats in Mark Sanford’s congressional district? Mark Sanford’s election brings to mind the 1991 gubernatorial race in Louisiana. Where Edwin Edwards, dogged his whole career by corruption allegations, and eventually incarcerated, ran again neo-Nazi David Duke. And won. The bumper sticker at the time “Vote for the Crook, It’s Important.”

(my friend Michael Powers asks – who has done more for the institution of marriage, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?)

And yet MORE   “stuff” you couldn’t make up: Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of the Christian Grammy-nominated metal band “As I Lay Dying” has been arrested for allegedly trying to hire a hitman to kill his estranged wife. Over-under on how long it takes for the made-for-TV movie?

 

 

The SF Giants’ Barry Zito has 4 hits in 12 at bats in 2013, including 2 RBI’s,  plus 5 sac bunts.   A pinch hitter is born?

 

Levi Strauss & Co will be the company to put its name on the SF #49ers stadium in Santa Clara. Guess the price of jeans is going up.

And let the puns begin.

So will #SF49ers new #Levi Stadium address be 501 Bill Walsh Drive?

Presumably season ticket holders will have to wash their seats a  few times to feel truly comfortable….

(more to follow, and readers’ ideas encouraged.)

 

All these conservatives screaming over Benghazi. Would be easier to take if any of them acted like they gave a damn about Christopher Stevens and our embassies before it happened.

 

More “stuff” you can’t make up…. Oliver North on FOX News talking about Benghazi and claiming the Obama administration “falsified talking points provided to people who were going to speak publicly about it…”