Posted tagged ‘Puig jokes’

Not such high times?

August 5, 2014

San Mateo County authorities said they intercepted two large vans carrying 180 bales of marijuana, 5.148 pounds, (worth $23 million). that had just been offloaded from a boat that had sailed from Mexico.   Hmm.. Is there any way California can make a deal with Colorado here? Maybe trade the haul for water?

Chrissie Hynde says that when John McEnroe was at Wimbledon he’d call her because she had pot and they would hang out and smoke.  So Chrissie may be a great musician, but sounds like she’s a lousy judge of good marijuana.

USA Today reports that MLB is down to three finalists to succeed Bud Selig as commissioner. Which means Bud will probably die of old age while in office.

 

A security firm named “Hold Security” says Russian criminals have stolen a total of 1.2 billion Internet user names and passwords. Of course, probably 1.1 billion of those passwords are 123456789.

Last night Albert Pujols tagged up from first and went to second after Yasiel Puig nonchalantly caught a ball. Words were exchanged. The less than fleet-footed Pujols then mocked Puig afterward with gestures and facial expressions. But how long in LA until they start referring to “Puig being Puigy?”

Really? This Fox News headline “Ebola outbreak fuels concerns over health risks along US-Mexico border.” Later in the article Fox does allow that “No case of an illegal immigrant carrying Ebola has been reported. But a Homeland Security report did say that “in two cases, the children of a border agent got chicken pox after their exposure to a child who had the illness.”

A U.S. general was killed and 15 others injured when a shooter wearing an Afghan military uniform opened fire at a training facility in Afghanistan. Alas, once again even for experts, it can be hard to tell the difference between a good guy and a bad guy with a gun.

Everyone’s favorite owner Dan Snyder talked about how those criticizing the Redskins name should focus instead on the difficulties many Native Americans face on reservations. And added that he learned during recent visits to Native American tribes that “they love” the team. Amongst things Snyder clearly has never learned – quit while you’re ahead.

A 62 year old woman who has been arrested repeatedly at San Francisco International Airport trying to sneak onto flights, today made it onto a flight from San Jose to Los Angeles. This may not be what San Jose officials have had in mind when they tout their airport as a faster alternative.

The woman is now in jail in Los Angeles. Presume they will have to bring her back to the Bay Area to stand trial…. by plane?!

So why didn’t we see this on Fox News? The GOP-led House Intelligence Committee just declassified a report on Benghazi. Rep. Mike Thompson says the report “confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given.”

Time to start trying to repeal Obamacare again?’

In New York, 11 people were injured when two double-decker tour buses collided today near Times Square. Good thing the bus companies aren’t run by the airlines. They’d charge the tourists extra for a thrill ride.

 

 

She’s baaaack. V. Stiviano now is hinting on Instagram that she will soon reveal the father of her 4 year old daughter. And somewhere Andy Warhol is thinking “She’s already had 14 minutes too many.”

 

Driving the bus to hell badly is T.C. (Whose last name is Chong so he can get away with this.)   “One of the signs at Citi Field said ‘Hunter Pence cannot parallel park.’     ?????. Didn’t know he was Oriental.”

 

 

Not faster than a speeding patrol car?

December 29, 2013

Yasiel Puig was arrested this morning on a reckless driving charge for driving 110 mph on Alligator Alley (I-75) in Florida. (Puig had similar charges dismissed earlier this year by doing community service.) Women are thinking “110 mph. Wow. he’s going to get hurt or kill someone.” Men are thinking “110 mph. Wow. Wonder what he drives?”

 

One good thing for the Dodgers to come out of Puig’s arrest today in Florida. At least they know that with Los Angeles traffic there’s no way to get up to 110 mph anywhere near Dodger Stadium.

Not faster than a speeding cheetah either…. an animal Darwin award:   A wild deer, presumably from nearby Rock Creek Park, apparently jumped into the cheetah enclosure at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. A spokeswoman called the result “a normal and expected reaction.” (And presumably a savings in this week’s meat bill.) The zoo added that there were no witnesses, other than the cheetahs.

Notre Dame RB George Atkinson was suspended from the Pinstripe Bowl, and tweeted “For those of you who are wondering I was suspended from today’s game for texting friends and family during team meal.” The tweet was then deleted. Wonder how long he’ll be suspended for posting it….

(although for much of the game against Rutgers, which ended up 29-16 but was close in the first half, most of the Fighting Irish looked as if they wished they had been suspended.)

Wonder if Atkinson thought about the excuse of texting a dying girlfriend?

 

Marijuana will be legal in Colorado in three days. Talk about High Holy Days…

A couple from Andalusia, AL just named their newborn daughter Krimson Tyde. Going to be ugly if she grows up and goes to Auburn.

(My friend Michael D. suggests, why not just call her Menstrual Flo and get it over with?)

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended Andrew Bynum for “conduct detrimental to the team.” And fans of the 6-23 Milwaukee Bucks are thinking “Can you do that to the whole team?”

Police arrested a Charleston, SC woman for domestic abuse after she allegedly injured her husband by hitting and stabbing him with a ceramic squirrel. Apparently she was angry that he came home Christmas Eve without the beer she had sent him to buy. Wonder if the couple had moved to Charleston from Florida?

 

Southwest Airlines announced they are pulling out of Key West, Branson and Jackson on June 6, 2014. Translation, other airlines are raising their fares to those cities June 7, 2014.

To Puig or not to Puig

August 21, 2013

 

 

 

 

 

Yasiel Puig was fined by the L.A. Dodgers for showing up late at the stadium Tuesday in Miami before the team’s game with the Marlins. Puig said he was caught in traffic. Guess he should have called Lebron James for advice on getting a police escort.

 

Think I’ve figured this out. Dodgers fans know Yasiel Puig is a spirited young sweetheart, Giants fans know he’s an immature young punk. And if he’d signed with SF we’d both know the opposite.

SF Giants score tying run on a foul ball, and winning run on a bases loaded walk on a strike. Cue Rod Serling.

(as my friend Robert says, “Let’s all acknowledge that ball four was closer to a strike than anything A-Rod saw from another Red Sox pitcher.)

And the Giants won 3-2 despite being 0-10 with runners in scoring position. 

 

Jennifer Lopez will apparently be returning to American Idol this year. Translation, neither of them had a better offer.

Ah consistency, thy name is not MLB. Ryan Dempster was suspended for five games and fined for hitting A-Rod with a pitch. If Dempster appeals his suspension, however, it will be heard and decided right away.

But major lesson from the Ryan Dempster-Alex Rodriguez “incident”: If you’re going to throw at someone, have enough control to hit them on the first pitch.

From Bill Littlejohn:   During Sunday’s game, Colts QB Chandler Harnish hit sideline reporter Pam Oliver in the face with a pass.   It was the most errant pass to a sideline reporter since Joe Namath’s on Suzy Kolber.

Al Jazeera America has started broadcasting, and of course there are questions about its potential bias. As opposed to our unbiased U.S. networks…. This from Jim Pinkerton on Fox News today “But look, they’re an Arab news channel and let’s face it, many if not most Arabs probably support what bin Laden was trying to do in terms of killing Americans and so on.

Three kids who shot and killed an 20 year old Australian college baseball player in Oklahoma said they did it because “we were bored and we didn’t have anything to do so we decided to kill somebody.” 

Actually if they wanted to alleviate boredom with a gun I’m thinking they could have spent as much of the day as it took playing Russian Roulette

Droning on…

June 5, 2013

Domino’s is testing a drone, dubbed the DomiCopter, that could someday deliver two large pizzas within a four mile radius in 10 minutes. Considering the fat and calories in an average large Domino’s pizza, this drone is likely to kill a lot more Americans than those used by the Defense Department.

The GOP is mad at Chris Christie for calling a special election in October and not appointing a Republican senator through 2014. Democrats are mad at the N.J. Governor for not having the election three weeks later when he himself is running for re-election. Thinking if you can annoy both parties you must be doing something right.
Chris Christie has called a special election for October 16 to replace N.J. Senator  Frank Lauterberg. Smart decision. Avoids the political trap of choosing someone to serve 18 months, and at least Mets, Phillies and probably Yankees fans won’t be distracted by playoff games.

Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is finally final. So where are all the defenders of traditional marriage for procreation and child raising on this one?

Am I happy reading about the tax money spent on expensive IRS conferences, no? But a little amusing to hear the outrage from Congress when they also support allowing tax deductions for “business expenses” like Michelin-starred meals, five-star hotels and Super Bowl tickets…

Adrian Peterson says now that he would be okay with a openly gay teammate. But that “simple things, as far as showers and things like that, you know, of course, anyone would be uncomfortable.” Once again, proof that women are tougher than men.

 

Wednesday’s Blue Jays Giants game is a 100mph pitchers’ duel. Dickey and Zito combined might throw 100mph.

Well, we knew Yasiel Puig could hit AAA pitching. Now let’s see what happens when the Dodgers take on someone other than the Padres.
Meanwhile from Bill Littlejohn:   “A skunk made an appearance in the stands at Dodger Stadium last night.Scouting reports said that he’s a pretty good spray hitter”

(insert Pepe Le Puig joke here.)
“Really?” department: The Pres. of the Coalition for Life of Iowa, a witness at the IRS hearings said her group was provisionally granted 501(c)(3) nonprofit status on the condition that its officers sign a promise that they would not protest nor organize protests or pickets of Planned Parenthood. “That’s not what we’re even about. When we go to Planned Parenthood, we’re there to pray. Granted some of our members do bring signs….”
After a few statements he made at a dinner in December became public, Ohio State president Gordon Gee announced his retirement today. Gee had simply joked about “those damn Catholics” at Notre Dame and mocked SEC academics. Kind of makes you wonder what else he said that might be on someone’s video.
After #GameofThornes #RedWedding presumably there will be less bitching from #DowntonAbbey fans that the show is too cruel to its characters.
From Paul Seaburn   “Former Miss America Erika Harold announced she’ll run for Congress in Illinois in 2014 as a Republican. Her platform is expected to be shoes.”