Posted tagged ‘Bonds jokes’


June 3, 2016

And no, Cubs fans. Not a billy goat.


For all the talk of Islam as a warlike religion, remember, Muhammad Ali lost his heavyweight title over refusing to kill people in Vietnam. “I ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong. No Viet Cong ever called me nigger…..”

No regarding Muhammad Ali. I’m not a boxing fan. But when someone says that athletes don’t have a clue about life outside their sport….. ‪#‎floatlikeabutterflystinglikeabeeandwalkthewalk‬


Donald Trump tweeted out that Muhammad Ali was a “truly great champion and a wonderful guy.” Guess after the Donald proposed his ban in December, he didn’t read Ali’s statement that Muslims “have to stand up to those who use Islam to advance their own personal agenda.”


The Miami Marlins may have been the first to report the death of Muhammad Ali. Well, guess they wanted to be first at something. (And with their attendance this year, not like too many people would have noticed if they were wrong.)

Hunter Pence needs hamstring surgery and will be out about 8 weeks. Re  his right field replacement SF Giants’ manager Bruce Bochy has  probably already has told Madison Bumgarner  -“NO!”

#‎SFGiants‬ need another outfielder in a hurry. Hey, that ‪#‎Marlins‬ hitting coach has looked pretty good leading his team in batting practice.



Giants scored 3 runs in the top of the 9th tonight in a 5-1 win.  Ah yes, that  moment when you think that MAYBE the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are getting enough runs that you don’t have to play the ‪#‎Casilla‬ drinking game.

Over 1 million people have downloaded a new Chick-fil-A app since Wed. because so doing means they get a free sandwich, worth all of about $3. Amazing. Wonder what we could do in the U.S. if we offered people free food to vote.

The San Diego Padres blew a 10 run lead after five, in just two innings, to lose 16-13 to the Mariners Thursday night. And every player who’s ever stole a base or bunted in an out-of-control game just said “See!!!”

Delta Air Lines says starting July 1, all movies, TV shows and music available from the carrier’s “Delta Studio” offerings will be free for both economy and premium cabin passengers. And any fare increase June 30 will be strictly coincidental.

Your “feel good” story of the day courtesy of CNN: Apparently an alleged war criminal, accused of committing atrocities as a commander during Somalia’s civil war is working as a security guard at Dulles, and passed both an FBI criminal background check and a TSA threat assessment, Well, I suppose he can take care of people who bring that dangerous bottled water.

The San Diego Union-Tribune has urged Republican readers to write in Ronald Reagan instead of Donald Trump in the June 7 primary. Why stop there? Why not Lincoln?

Paul Ryan slammed Donald Trump over attacking the Hispanic heritage of the judge overseeing the Trump University lawsuit. Wow. That warm fuzzy relationship lasted about as long as one of Taylor Swift’s.

Friday was National Donut Day. So guessing Donald Trump’s campaign had to survive 24 hours without Chris Christie.


Donald Trump is continuing to insist that there’s a conflict of interest to have Judge Gonzalo Curiel handing his Trump University case because Curiel, who is U.S. born, is of Mexican descent. At this point shouldn’t it be a conflict of interest to have anyone make a decision involving Trump if they have an IQ in triple digits?


Bonds away

June 1, 2016

In an interview, Barry Bonds said “I’m to blame for the way I was [portrayed], because I was a dumbass. I was straight stupid, and I’ll be the first to admit it.”
Not sure what’s weirder. Hearing him apologize, or hearing Bonds’ referred to as “the Miami Marlins’ hitting coach?” ‪#‎SFGiants‬



In Switzerland, they just had the grand opening of a railway tunnel through the Alps dubbed “the longest tunnel in the world” at 35.5 miles. And down in Mexico they’re just giggling.

#‎StephCurry‬ let slip in a news conference that he uses Uber in the SF Bay Area. Wonder if they give him 3.0 pricing? ‪#‎Warriors‬



Is there a more annoying sound in sports than the tomahawk chop? ‪#‎Braves‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Stopthechop‬


Santiago ‪#‎Casilla‬ has now blown 4 of 16 saves. So he’s right about as often as an NBA referee? ‪#‎damningbyfaintphrase‬

‪#‎Casilla‬ lost composure & blew lead so fast tonight you’d wonder if underneath his ‪#‎SFGiants‬ jersey he was wearing a ‪#‎OKC‬ ‪#‎Thunder‬ t-shirt.



No,  I don’t play fantasy baseball. But saw this on, talking about closers in the NL West and their “status” (from a few days ago.)

: Stability Rating – Team Name  – Current Closer
Solid – Diamondbacks – Brad Ziegler

Solid Rockies – Jake McGee

Solid Dodgers – Kenley Jansen

Solid Padres –  Fernando Rodney

Questionable – Giants – Santiago Casilla

yeah, we know

Anyone else feeling like an old baseball fan in remembering when players didn’t have hamstrings?

Last night #‎JakePeavy‬ pitched 1 hit ball for 7 innings, singled and scored the go-ahead run for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to win on his 35th birthday. “It couldn’t have happened to a nicer young man” said Jamie Moyer.

First ‪#‎BernieSanders‬ got ‪#‎Hamilton‬ tickets. Then court side seats for ‪#‎OKCvsGSW‬ ‪#‎Game7‬. Guessing his own private plane can’t be far behind?


Former Baylor president Kenneth Starr, who so zealously prosecuted Bill Clinton, and who was reassigned as chancellor after the school’s sexual assault scandals, is now resigning that new post. Starr will, however, continue to teach in the law school.
What’s his first course this fall – “The law and people who think they are above it?”

A Seattle burlesque dancer returning home from a Boston performance was told by a JetBlue crew the shorts and thigh-highs she was wearing were “inappropriate.” She had to buy pajama pants to get on the plane.
This would not have happened on United. They’d have let her board and just charged other passengers an entertainment fee.

A USA Today article shows that Donald Trump “and his businesses have been involved in at least 3,500 legal actions in federal and state courts during the past 30 years. Ranging from skirmishes with casino patrons to million-dollar real estate suits to personal defamation lawsuits.”
Are we sure the Trump campaign didn’t leak the information in a shameless push to get more endorsements from lawyers?

The PGA Tour is moving their Cadillac World Golf Championship from the Trump Doral course to Mexico City. Trump’s gracious response “I hope they have kidnapping insurance.”
I am beginning to see the Donald’s plan to have Mexico pay for that wall…. in order to keep him out.


Hillary Clinton with Cory Booker in New Jersey: Hmm, could think of a lot worse tickets for November. ‪#‎GoStanford‬


Whipped cream has calcium too, right?

February 22, 2016
 A new study says that coffee may lead to a lower risk of developing cirrhosis from drinking too much alcohol. Well, heck, that calls for an Irish coffee.

Texas A&M got an upset win at the  buzzer against ‪#‎Kentucky‬ in OT. Wonder how John ‪#‎Calipari‬ will discipline his players – make them go to class?

LSU men’s basketball coach Johnny Jones benched star Ben Simmons for the start of tonight’s game against Tennessee because “we had to address some academic stuff with him earlier in the week.” Simmons entered the game after 4 1/2 minutes. 4 1/2 minutes?! Yeah, that will teach him.

Barry Bonds today “God knows I’m a Hall of Famer.” But wonder how long baseball writers will still think -“The Hall of Fame is reserved for those who played the game with integrity, like Gaylord Perry.”

Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is being criticized for taking his football team to Florida for their allowed 20 hours a week practice during spring break. NCAA president Mark Emmert – “They’re having a hard time being students and doing what students want to do.”
Uh, let’s see, the option was staying in wintry Ann Arbor or going to Florida for a week, with free time after practice. And Emmert made his comment with a straight face?

Marissa Mayer says she can still turn Yahoo around. From one ditch into another ditch?

Jeb Bush suspended his Presidential campaign. Shocking many people who couldn’t see proof he was actually running one.


Charles Koch says he agrees with Bernie Sanders that the “system is often rigged to help the privileged few at the expense of everyone else.” Well, and Koch and this brother ought to know. They helped rig it.

Ted Cruz told his supporters tonight “We have made history.” Trouble is, most of this supporters don’t believe in history. (or math. )

For the latest contest entry into the “How low can you go?” in this election, I give you Donald Trump’s tweet today:. “I wonder if President Obama would have attended the funeral of Justice Scalia if it were held in a Mosque? Very sad that he did not go! ” ‪#‎nottheonion‬

So Trump likes to denigrate education by saying we spend more per capita than any other country already. But then when he talks about about the military he’s not only okay with spending more than everyone else, he wants to spend more?



The Georgia Senate passed a bill that that would protect people and organizations from “discriminatory action” by the government, if they opt out of serving any couple – gay or straight — if they cite a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction regarding marriage.
So what happens when say, someone decides not to serve a couple “living in sin,” or a divorced couple? Or an unwed mother like Bristol Palin?

From T.C.  “Donald Trump reiterated his plan to build a border wall between the US and Mexico.  In related news, Las Vegas oddsmakers have just installed Mexico as the favorites in the Olympic pole-vault competition.”


Approaching our last moment of zen?

February 10, 2015

Say it ain’t so, Jon. Jon Stewart announced today that he is stepping down as host of The Daily Show. Has he decided that yes, indeed, these days there really is no satire?

And this after Stewart may have the best comment on this whole Brian Williams mess: “Finally, someone is being held to account for misleading America about the Iraq war.”

NBC suspended Brian Williams for 6 months, saying his lies had “jeopardized” the network’s credibility. Wait, NBC had credibility?


On a brighter note for NBC,  the NBC Nightly News had its largest total viewership in four weeks.  Maybe other networks will start trying to dig up dirt on their own anchors?


Richie Incognito has agreed to a deal with the Buffalo Bills. Wait, I thought Rex Ryan said “we’re going to build a bully,” not sign one.

ESPN reported that of Gregg Popovich’s 1,000 wins, 921 have been with Tim Duncan. To put that bromance in perspective, 921 is more wins than the Miami Heat have EVER in their history.  (805 as of today.)


As a result of a lawsuit filed against him by his daughter, a New Orleans judge ruled that Saints & Pelicans owner Tom Benson, 87, will be required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine mental competency. Now, clearly Benson is old. But if mental competency was required for an NFL or NBA owner, there would be a lot of vacant chairs at those owner’s meetings.

Security researcher Mark Burnett this week posted a database containing 10 million usernames and passwords. So were at least 9 million of them 123456789?

Alex Rodriguez, 39, reportedly told Barry Bonds “l want to take your (home run) record..” Not exactly sure he could get over 100 more home runs without a supplement made from flying pigs, but A-Rod might be one of the few active sluggers who could make Bonds look lovable by comparison.


Today in a meeting at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently apologized to the team for his PED suspension. So did he just read from a copy of the same apology speech he gave in 2009?  (“It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time. I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”)


Marilyn Hartman, 63, was arrested repeatedly at SFO for trying to sneak onto planes, and at LAX after flying from San Jose without a ticket. Now she’s been arrested in Florida after flying ticket-free from Minneapolis to Jacksonville, where she checked in under another guest’s name. Kind of makes you feel real warm and fuzzy about TSA, doesn’t it.


Ethan Czahor, founder of ““, and the new chief technology officer for Jeb Bush’s PAC,  “resigned” tonight, after removing “inappropriate” tweets from his personal account.
Those tweets, dating from 2009-10, included a number of racist and homophobic jokes, along with others that referred to women as sluts. But maybe the real recent Bush let him go?   That Czahor, who is YOUNG enough to know better, didn’t know enough not to post this sort of stuff in the first place.

And for that matter, doesn’t Jeb have anyone on his staff who knows how to use Google on potential new hires?”

Iowa’s Joni Ernst, who calls herself the Senate’s first female “combat veteran”, is defending herself after it’s been pointed out she was a National Guard Company commander for 13 months. But her unit was never attacked nor in a firefight. Well cut her some slack, maybe Ernst’s real dream job isn’t in Washington, but in network news.


“Nothing bad happened”

January 10, 2013

No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the “steroid era” is this going to be like the Family Guy episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, “Everyone was on vacation.”

If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED’s they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED’s. (If he had been on ‘roids his fastball would have hit at least 70.)


If the real issue with PED’s is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933?

Temperatures in the San Francisco Bay Area will dip below freezing this weekend. Thereby proving the point of some who probably said years ago that it would be a cold day in hell if Barry Bonds wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer.

The NYC Fire Department said the high-speed ferry that crashed this morning had a “hard landing” Ya think? Almost as hard a landing as Notre Dame’s BCS title hopes.

(on a serious note, the injuries apparently were almost all people falling, in some cases down stairs.  A reminder, maybe if you stand up getting off a ferry or anything else that moves, good idea to have at least one hand on a railing instead of one holding a briefcase and one on a smartphone…)

Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers’ job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they’d be in first place by now.

A new NIH study said that diet soda drinkers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression. Maybe when they find out that diet drinks don’t offset large quantities of potato chips, ice cream and pizza?

John Wall hopes to join the Wizards for his season debut Saturday. Isn’t this like somehow getting aboard mid-voyage of the Titanic?

So since it’s about character and being “natural” will this year’s Academy Awards exclude drug users and anyone who has had plastic surgery?

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress.

Well, a couple days ago I posted how Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame “is not an option. I don’t even think about it.” Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out.

AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking “Have you no shame?”

Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

The verdict:

April 14, 2011

We all know now that Barry Bonds, along with a pretty significant number of players, took steroids. But how many Giants fans cheering as Bonds approached Aaron’s record really thought he was clean?

My guess, about as many as voted for Bill Clinton thinking he was a faithful husband.

So how long until someone tries to allege Brian Wilson’s beard is a PED – performance enhancing device?

Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “In it to win it.”


A T & T is sending out a new free magazine, with the caption on the front  – “See the many ways A T & T is committed to serving our Northern California customers.”

Here’s a suggestion for the phone company:  Can the magazine, save the money, and use it to upgrade your coverage.

Okay, I’ll take Kobe Bryant at his word that he’s not a homophobe and the slur he muttered against a referee (rhymes with sucking maggot), “came strictly out of anger and shouldn’t be taken literally.” But just wonder how Byrant would have reacted had a referee “strictly out of anger” insulted him with the “n” word.


A Washington state couple has been arrested and charged with with keeping their 6 and 7 year old children in a cage. What kind of monsters use a cage for young children? For teenagers, maybe.

AL MVP Josh Hamilton will be out for six to eight weeks with a fracture in his arm he sustained by sliding into home plate. Well, at least this is one misfortune that is unlikely to befall the 2011 Red Sox – their players are rarely running from third to home.

Back to Barry:  So is one of the other verdicts of the Bonds trial that chicks who dug the long ball ended up with guys with small balls?

And before we breathe a sigh of relief; while THIS trial is over, since it was a hung jury, federal prosecutors and the Justice Department will have to decide whether to retry Bonds on the unresolved counts. Uh, can we be done now?

From Bill Littlejohn:   “President Obama has announced that he wants four trillion dollars trimmed off of the budget deficit.His advisors informed him that he could do that by not re-trying Barry Bonds”

If they do retry Barry Bonds, or when they have the  Roger Clemens trial, I have one wish: Will someone PLEASE call Bud Selig to the stand and ask him under oath about his statements that he had no idea MLB had a Performance Enhancing Drug problem?

Ever get the sense we’re all unpaid extras in Trump’s new “reality’ show – “Who Wants to be a Presidential Candidate?”

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is sort of running for the GOP Presidential nomination, though he hasn’t made it official. The hang up – he’s trying to think of a better slogan than “I’m not as crazy as the rest of them.”

Final six.

March 29, 2011

The Stanford women’s basketball team was shooting over 60 percent from the floor night late into the second half, and ended up with a .574 shooting percentage. If you were watching boys, this is how it’s done.

And the Stanford women turned out to be the very first #1 ranked team in their bracket, for men or women, to advance to the NCAA basketball final four.

But really this has  been a weird year. The last time things turned out so bizarrely for seeds, a beanstalk and giant were involved.

Barry Bonds’ trial is getting tawdrier and tawdrier, now with testimony from his ex-mistress about Bonds’ sexual performance, and the changing shape of his “privates.” And we thought the Clinton impeachment trial with thongs and cigars was TMI.

Bonds’ defense team’s tried to discredit his former girlfriend’s testimony by asking how, if he was suffering from E.D., he could have these other mistresses she complained about?. And to think it was not that long ago that parents just worried about keeping their young sports fans away from the SI swimsuit issue.

Unfortunate timing for sportswriters and editors that the Bonds trial is going on at the same time that these “small ball” teams are in the NCAA Final Four.

The New York Knicks won their first game after six losses and are now 8-12 since they traded for Carmelo Anthony.   At this point the team’s motto has to be  “Thank heaven for the Miami Heat.”

Carmelo Anthony said after the overtime win “We had the will to win.”   Knicks season ticketholders have to be thinking… okay and the rest of the season?

Whole Foods has opened a dozen small bars, focused on local beer and wine, inside a dozen of their stores, and plans to open more. I guess the plan is, the more customers drink, the less they will notice how expensive the grocery prices are.

With all the talk about VCU and Butler, many have forgotten that coach John Calipari could be setting a record of his own. If the NCAA discovers anything in future regarding rules violations at Kentucky, Calipari could be the first coach in history to forfeit Final Four appearances with three different teams.

Donald Trump now says that, “a lot of facts are emerging” that are making him question more seriously where Obama was born. “A lot of facts” translates to “Birthers apparently vote in the GOP primaries.”

Slow learners award winner: South African Airways..

February 17, 2009

For the second time in a MONTH, the entire crew of a South African Airways plane has been arrested for trying to smuggle cocaine into Heathrow. Yes, pilots and flight attendants.

Maybe this is how they have achieved all those on-time and fast service ratings…

An anonymous contributor to IOL, a South Africa website, suggested that the new South African Airways (SAA) slogan be “We fly you higher.”

But let’s see, you know you have been caught before, you know you are under investigation, and you still try to get away with something? Wonder how long before SAA introduces their new corporate spokesman – Rod Blagojevich?

Alex Rodriguez plans to bring an entourage to his press conference Tuesday about steroids, including one of the lawyers who represented Sammy Sosa. Without knowing their strategy in advance I can only expect the lawyer is working on having A-Rod learn more Spanish, and forget more English.

Cynical thought: A-Rod expects to have many of his Yankees teammates at the press conference. Supposedly for support. But more likely because his teammates feel Rodriguez willl be less likely to throw them under the bus if they are present…

Another cynical thought. As the Feds prepare their perjury case against Barry Bonds, one detail that has emerged is that they sent a pregnant FBI agent to work out regularly with Bonds’ trainer’s wife in hopes of getting her to spill the beans on Barry’s alleged steroid use.

Apparently they didn’t get anything useful out of the attempted sting, but you have to wonder….if the Feds spent half as much energy investigating the stock market as they did Bonds, our country might be in slightly better shape now.

Newly appointed New York Senator Kristen Gillibrand has announced she is no longer keeping guns under her bed in case she is surprised by someone sneaking in at night. Fortunately, her predecessor never adopted the same habit. We could have lost Bill.

Scary thought, somewhere in this country Nadya Suleman might be telling some fertility doctor, “I really need in-vitro, I only have 14 kids…”