Posted tagged ‘Daylight savings jokes’

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Watch and learn

March 12, 2017

Yeah, even rich superstars face tough decisions. Draymond Green, unhappy at some calls in last night’s Warriors loss, said he thought about speaking out and getting a $25,000 fine from the league. But he decided to keep his mouth shut and buy a fancy watch instead.

 

Lots of people who will start working on brackets will be united tomorrow in 1 thought “UC Davis HAS a men’s basketball team? #marchmadness

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Thinking #Duke #NotreDame might have tied an NCAA record as far as a basketball game where most viewers wanted to see both teams lose.

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How many casual NBA fans turned on tonight’s nationally televised game & say “Wait, thought this was @Warriors @Spurs Who are these guys?

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And who knew the guy who would REALLY make Northern California proud tonight  in the Spurs Warriors game was St. Mary grad Patty Mills?

 

In Sacramento a woman was arrested for felony vandalism after driving her SUV this morning through the front doors of the county jail. Well, give her points for police convenience.

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Pope Francis, acknowledging a shortage of priests, has indicated openness to allowing married men to be ordained. So for all his progressiveness, still better a married man than a celibate woman?

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Federal prosecutor Preet Bharara, who was asked personally by Trump to stay on three months ago, today was fired after he refused a sudden demand from AG Sessions to resign.
Well, this ought to make anyone about to make a deal with this administration feel warm and fuzzy.

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Why do I think we haven’t heard the last of #PreetBharara? Paging mean bitch Karma.

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Trump was regularly critical of Obama for playing golf. Guess he thinks Presidents should only play golf on courses they own?

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Who says Presidents don’t have tough decisions. With #daylightsavings Trump will have to choose whether to tweet at 2a or 3am tonight.

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An intruder who apparently jumped the White House fence last night around told police he had an appointment with Donald Trump. So maybe he was there to help the President with his Twitter account?

 

 

Due to intruder last night White House reportedly placed under temporary “orange alert.” Uh, hasn’t it been on orange alert since Jan 20?

 

 

Trump this afternoon praised the Secret Service for doing — a “fantastic job” apprehending a “troubled person” approaching the White House this morning.
Especially as most of the President’s Oval Office meetings are already full up on troubled persons.

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Backwards and forwards.

March 9, 2014

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford tweeted out yesterday to “turn your clocks back,” for daylight saving time this weekend. In Ford’s case it might not be a rhetorical question to ask “What is that man smoking?”

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But really, springing forward? More like stumbling forwards.

 

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28 Democrats will have an overnight “talkathon” in the Senate Monday night until 9:00 a.m. Tuesday to draw attention to climate change. Wonder how much electricity it will take to keep the lights on.

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“They thought this was a good idea, how?” department: A gun show offered visitors the chance to meet and get an autographed picture from…. George Zimmerman?! You guessed it, Florida.

 

As awful as this Malaysian Airlines flight story appears to be, doesn’t the story – an aircraft that seems to have disappeared into thin air – seem like a bad made-for-TV movie? Where are Rod Serling or Jack Bauer when we need them?

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(Thanks to my friend Jon M. for this setup.)   Tony Romo was at Cameron last night as Duke took on and beat UNC 93-21, and he was cheering for the Blue Devils. Lakers guard Kendall Marshall, a UNC alum tweeted “I understand why nobody likes Romo now.” But hey, had the Dallas QB really made a difference, Duke would have had several passes in the 4th quarter intercepted and turned into scoring plays.

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Wichita State will go to the NCAA Tournament 34-0. And probably get a #1 seed. Wonder how many people will put them in their bracket without knowing WHAT state the Shockers are in?

(from my friend Sean “That school obviously is from the great state of Wichita… said any SEC football player.”)

 

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So if I’ve got this right from CPAC, President Obama is the most ineffectual dictator ever.

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On the other hand, so the US economy added 175,000 jobs in February. And even the Wall Street Journal said that “bolsters hope the economy will break out of its recent slump as spring arrives.”. Can we blame Obama?.

 

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While the Indiana Pacers, 46-17, won on March 1 and 2, they have now lost 4 in a row. Or as the Philadelphia 76ers call that “a great week.”

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Good news for ABC, the NBA game of the week between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Los Angeles Lakers turned out to be more interesting than most people dreamed. Bad news for ABC, most sports fans probably expected the game to be so awful, they didn’t bother to tune in to watch.

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Great ad seen today for a mobile pet grooming service “We cater to cowards.”

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Reader Bob B. asks  “ESPN Tiger-centric? See the ESPN.com homepage this (Saturday) morning for the line: “In progress: Tiger, others try to tame Doral.”

 

(Personally I’m wondering, when Woods retires, will the ESPN headline on Saturday be  something like  “Woods runs errands with children, PGA tournament dontinues.”)

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Stumbling forward into Spring?

March 10, 2013

Just thinking, if we’re going to lose an hour wouldn’t most Americans prefer it to be during working hours on Monday?

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Many Americans are worried about the hour they are losing out of their lives this weekend. So they are relieving stress by playing more online games and looking for additional pictures of cats to post.

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Marshmallow Peeps are celebrating their 60th anniversary this year. And some of the original products from 1953 no doubt taste as fresh as the day they were made.

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Ah nanny states. So starting this week in New York,due to the new surgary soda rule you won’t be able to order a pitcher of Coca Cola when you go out with friends. But you will be able to order a pitcher of beer or margaritas….

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Jim Carrey, who originally said he was out of a “Dumb and Dumber” sequel, now says he would consider it. In the meantime, there’s always C-Span.

 

A major brawl broke out during Canada’s 10-3 WBC win today over Mexico. What did they think this was, a hockey game?

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Regarding this WBC brawl between Canada and Mexico, wonder how many baseball people are privately thinking “A few more of these would do wonders for ratings.”

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Mariano Rivera, who will retire at the end of 2013, says “The last game I hope will be throwing the last pitch in the World Series. Winning the World Series, that would be my ambition.” So the season hasn’t started, and Rivera already wants to be traded?

 

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RNC chairman Reince Priebus’s said this week that MSNBC contributed to GOP losses in the 2012 election. Shocking?  Someone thinks MSNBC actually has power?

(Maybe he should have complained that Fox didn’t have enough.)

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WTF moment. TSA now says bringing 3.5 ounces or more of liquids through security is still forbidden, but small knives including box cutters are okay. Although we have never actually had terrorists use liquids on planes….

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If anyone’s tried to bring a partially empty bottle through security, TSA will take it away, even if you have less than 3.5 ounces of liquid inside. Because they say terrorists could mix small amounts of stuff together in a larger container. Fair enough, so then post security – stores selling large water and soda bottles. Sigh.

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An JetBlue plane was taken out of service after it was clipped by an Air India jet this morning at JFK. Let the un-PC foreign driver jokes begin…..

First entry from Nick Coombs:   “Geez you’d think the one thing an air India flight could do properly would be the taxi.”

 

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