Posted tagged ‘Uber jokes’

Dampening the celebration?

March 31, 2015

Oops. Virgin Atlantic’s inaugural flight from Manchester, England to Atlanta was set to receive a “water cannon salute” from airport firefighters as it departed. Except apparently someone pressed the wrong button and sprayed, not water but foam, which clogged the plane’s engines and grounded it overnight. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, airline division winner for the week.

The NFL has fined the Atlanta Falcons $350,000 and take away the team’s fifth round draft pick in 2016 for illegally piping crowd noise into the Georgia Dome. And in Seattle they’re just giggling.

Regarding that $350,000 fine that the Falcons got for piping in crowd noise, wouldn’t it have been cheaper for Atlanta just to have given free tickets to local frat boys?

The German prosecutor on the Germanwings flight says now that medical records indicate the co-pilot had been suicidal in the past. Damn shame his therapist talked him out of it.

 

A woman gave birth in an Uber car Monday morning in Manhattan. Uber apparently had the car cleaned afterwards for the driver. But then they also gave him a pair of Knicks tickets. As if the poor guy hasn’t had enough trauma?

Three #1 seeds and Michigan State in the Final Four. Means that those most likely to be winning their respective pools are generally risk adverse sports fans who happen to be from East Lansing.

For the first time since 1996, Tiger Woods is not in golf’s 100 top ranked golfers. Standby for an ESPN special on “The Fall of Tiger.”

Justin Bieber, in a USA Today interview – “My life is not easy” “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

Aaron Hernandez’s fiancee today on the witness stand said she had “‘learned to compromise’ over his cheating because their relationship ‘was worth fighting for.” File this under “Maybe-maybe not smart woman, REALLY foolish choice.

McDonald’s is apparently testing a plan to serve breakfast all day long. The experiment will start in San Diego. But really, wouldn’t Colorado be more appropriate?

Stubhub is suing the Golden State Warriors, because the team is telling season ticket holders that they can only resell tickets online through Ticketmaster. Otherwise they could lose ticket rights and/or playoff tickets. The issue, how much the Warriors make in “scalping’ service fees. Awful, this billionaire on billionaire violence…..

An interesting and positive sidelight perhaps of this Indiana law. Not so much who is condemning it, but in who is not supporting it. Usually with civil rights issues these days, there are a host of GOP leaders and Presidential wannabes screaming freedom and states’ rights. But from Palin, Jindal, Trump, Perry…. crickets.

(after I wrote this at first Cruz and Santorum and actually Jeb Bush came out in support of the law. So the clown car is loading up.  But not a word from Palin…. maybe Bristol made some friends on DWTS who she’s invited to the weddin.)

Moving on from fraternities, now at the University of Mary Washington in Virginia, a college rugby team has been suspended indefinitely over an audio where the players can be heard chanting “Finally found a whore, she was right and dead…”

Okay, leaving the nasty nature of the words aside, shouldn’t any college student in the country now know that ANYTHING you say now 24-7 in a group of people can and will be recorded and held against you? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

From T.C.  “GB QB Aaron Rodgers was celebrating with the Final Four bound Wisconsin Badgers basketball team. When asked if he was looking to recruit a tight end with a basketball background like Gronk or Jimmy Graham, he replied, “No, I’m actually looking for someone that can recover an onside kick”.

Out of place.

March 13, 2015

John Madden was upset about Will Ferrell’s spring training escapades, feeling that the aging comic actor had no place on a baseball field with real players. Wait until someone tells Madden that A-Rod’s back in Yankees camp.

A meth lab was found inside a backpack in a Muncie, Indiana Wal-Mart bathroom. Police presumably are looking at surveillance videos for anyone who bought all five seasons of the “Breaking Bad” DVDs.

SF 49ers CB Chris Culliver has now signed with Washington. Now, I know Culliver has issues, but how much of a train wreck does your team have to be before the Redskins look like a better option?

 

Dear gawd. As Candlestick Park is being demolished now even more memorabilia is being sold online. Not just seats, but parking lot signs, lockers, traffic cones, and, no joke, the IV holder from the home team locker room. What’s next? Urinals?

Capital New York is reporting that Wikipedia pages about alleged police brutality, like the Eric Garner case, have been altered from NYPD computers at 1 Police Plaza. Not only are crooks stupid, but also sometimes so are the people chasing them…. ‪#‎IPaddresswhatIPaddress‬?

So keeping her emails on a private server may confirm to many Americans that Hillary Clinton is secretive, calculating and not always 100% honest. Which actually might be qualities many people want in a President.

Why there is no satire, from a new paper on “Attention decay in science” by researchers in Finland and Palo Alto, California: “The exponential growth in the number of scientific papers makes it increasingly difficult for researchers to keep track of all the publications relevant to their work. Consequently, the attention that can be devoted to individual papers, measured by their citation counts, is bound to decay rapidly”

Translation, this study has found there are too many studies.

 

 

Pablo Sandoval, in response to a former teammate calling him out over his ego on a Facebook post. “Who is Aubrey Huff?” Apparently no one ever taught the Panda, who has three World Series rings despite playing in only two of them, and who signed a $95 million contract with Boston, that no one likes a sore winner.

So two judges have ruled that the difficult question of whether Uber and Lyft are employees or independent contractors must go to juries. Great, so a difficult legal decision that will affect the livelihoods of tens of thousands of people may well be made by 12 people who aren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Univision fired talk show host Rodner Figueroa after he said that first lady Michelle Obama “looks like she’s from the cast of Planet of the Apes.” Was Figueroa angling to get a job at FOX News?

So safety Antrel Rolle signed with the Chicago Bears because of what he said was a “sign from God”, an Orbitz ad on his phone with discount fares to Chicago. Does that mean Rolle would have signed with the SF 49ers if his phone had an ad for RIngling Brothers?

St Petersburg police determined that a 25 year old man who was fatally shot on a bicycle died because a gun he was carrying in his jacket pocket accidentally went off. Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Hot Potato – “You take him.” “No, you take him.”

December 15, 2014

Former VP Dick Cheney said of what he considers “enhanced interrogation” that “I would do it again in a minute.” Sometimes you get the sense the man is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

 

The Sacramento Kings have fired coach Mike Malone after an 11-13 start. And the NY Knicks are wondering if they fired him for overachieving.

Is it too late for all those who voted against ‪#‎AndrewLuck‬ twice for the ‪#‎Heisman‬ to change their votes?

Compared to other ‪#‎Heisman‬ winners RG3 and now ‪#‎Manziel‬, ‪#‎Tebow‬ looked pretty good in ‪#‎NFL‬

All these pictures and videos of Johnny Manziel’s horrible starting debut for the Browns. Picture I really wanted to see was of Brian Hoyer on the sideline trying oh so hard not to smile.

Meanwhile in the Washington-NY Giants matchup, the Redskins’ Santana Moss lost his temper with the refs, and was ejected during the first half. Making him luckier than his teammates, who had to stay for the entire game.

ESPN’s Jim Bowden gives the Chicago Cubs an A+ for their offseason moves. So they can add another offseason trophy to their collection at Wrigley Field.

Lots of sniping about Ted Cruz’s threatened govt shutdown, like this “You should have an end goal in sight if you’re going to do these types of things and I don’t see an end goal other than irritating a lot of people,” And that was from Orrin Hatch. ‪#‎thiscouldbefun‬

 

Seriously, the Australia hostage situation just sucks.   But a chocolate store? What kind of monster does something evil in a nice chocolate store?  Clearly not a woman.

The now 3-11 NY Jets beat the now 2-12 Tennessee Titans in a battle and get a worse draft pick out of it. And if you really cared about the game and aren’t from New York or Nashville you are probably in need of a life.

 

Who figured this a month ago? Stanford has a postseason game and the SF 49ers don’t.

 

#‎Stayclassy‬. Uber is now in Australia, and they  responded to the hostage crisis – with surge pricing in the area of AUS $100 minimum (US$82), quadruple the normal rate.

Update, an hour after original post:  So now apparently Uber has decided there IS such a thing as bad publicity, and is offering people stuck in the area free rides out…..  #Oops

 

Tarp Gate

August 19, 2014

wrigley

They took so long to announce fate of #SFGiants #Cubs game at Wrigley, figure Bud Selig has a Blue Ribbon committee deciding it.

If the #SFGiants lose a playoff spot by one game will some other team vote a playoff share to the #Cubs ground crew?

Tuesday  night’s rain delay lasted longer than the Cubs 2014 playoffs hopes.

 

 

Uber has introduced “Uber Corner Store” a new trial service offering on-demand fast delivery of medicine, toiletries and other products. Thinking this could be a very popular business in Colorado.

New Orleans plays Cleveland on September 14.  After last night’s salute Saints’ defenders won’t need bounties to want to knock Manziel’s head off.

Okay, heaven knows I am not a Seahawks fan. But just have to wonder the reaction if instead of Johnny Manziel flipping the bird at the opposing bench last night, it had been Richard Sherman.

If the MLB season ended today, for the first time since 1993, neither the #RedSox nor #Yankees would be in the playoffs. Tragic, really.

Ohio State star QB Braxton Miller reinjured his right, throwing shoulder yesterday in practice and may miss his senior season. The poor kid may have nothing to do this year but go to class.

Former American Idol contestant William Hung just got married. Just guessing no one asked him to sing at his own wedding.

Soccer star Luis Suarez stated today “I will not bite again.” Wonder if besides playing for Barcelona if Suarez is auditioning for a part in that A T & T Vampire movie commercial….

 

Who knows whether this Rick Perry indictment over trying to force a D.A. to resign from office will amount to anything. But somewhere in NJ Chris Christie has to be thinking “Couldn’t you have just closed one of her bridges or something?”

British cyclist Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, banned for two years, says he did not blood dope but instead blamed his abnormal results on dehydration from an “alcoholic binge” with his girlfriend while celebrating his new Team Sky contract, drinking the equivalent of about a liter of vodka. The story didn’t work, but even if it had, guessing the team might have terminated him anyway for the stupidity.

 

The Cleveland Browns say they are not ready to name a starting QB. Well, the best of them yesterday was clearly Connor Shaw. 8 of 9 for 123 yards and a touchdown.

So what do you get if you cross Tebowing and Manzieling?   A one-fingered prayer?  But no touchdowns.

 

 

 

Can the #SFGiants borrow #JohnnyManziel to salute the #WrigleyField grounds crew?

 

The Wall St Journal has reported that the NFL is asking potential acts for the 2015 halftime show to PAY the league for the privllege of performing. And what if they don’t? The league will just have to raise ticket, hot dog and beer prices? #noshame

 

 

 

Bud Selig, whose Blue Ribbon committee on the Oakland A’s moving to San Jose never ruled in 5 plus years, talking today about how the team needs a new ballpark “This is always something I wanted to get resolved before I leave office, which is another 5½ or six months.” Gosh, and Selig said it with a straight face.