Posted tagged ‘Dick Cheney jokes’

The Blame in Spain

June 18, 2014

And the pain in Spain, comes mainly from the game.

Who knew. #USA likely to be alive longer in the #WorldCup than #Spain?

 

Dick Cheney today called Obama “dangerous,” and said that foreign leaders had told him they believe the president secretly supports anti-American organizations. “Foreign leaders” confiding in Cheney? Even Donald Sterling may be thinking the former VP is delusional.

 

#JohnnyManziel signed a four-year $8.2 million deal with the Cleveland Browns, with $6.7 million guaranteed. Hope all this money doesn’t go to his head.

Stacy Lewis, the #1 ranked women’s golfer in the world, says she “isn’t a fan” of 11 year old Lucy Li playing in the U.S. Open. “If it was my kid, I wouldn’t let her play in the U.S. Open qualifier at 11, but that’s just me.” Why, because Lewis doesn’t want Li embarrassing older golfers?

Family values story for the day. Five members of a Vermont clan showed up with knives on their belts at an New Hampshire amusement park. And they all ended up in jail after they allegedly attacked police who told them they had to leave the knives outside. If only the family had been armed.

 

 

In Palm Beach, a former porn-star is running for school board after he lost the ability to advertise his math-tutoring business when parents found out about his earlier career.  Ah Florida.   If this guy had a past as a gun-runner maybe that would have been okay?

 

Not 100% sure how I feel about this Redskins name thing, because I’m not very PC. But if you absolutely want to talk insulting and racist, how about the Tomahawk Chop? Not only offensive but more irritating than the wave. (And yes, I know the Braves stole it from the Florida State Seminoles, but that’s a different post.)

The best thing about today’s Redskins patent ruling. Whatever side you’re on, it opens the door to all kinds of parody t-shirts, etc. Should be fun to see American ingenuity and twisted humor in action.

Okay, while we’re at it. The Florida State Seminoles have gotten a pass because they have the support of the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which runs gambling casinos in the state. But 75% of Seminoles live in Oklahoma, and they apparently don’t like the nickname. So is FSU next? Maybe they could be the “Crab Legs”

A New Jersey high school is looking for a mystery hacker who broke into the school’s computer system and changed grades and attendance records. And Silicon Valley firms are looking for the kid to hire him.

Okay, it’s officially time for the #SFGiants to put an ad on Craigslist for an exorcist.

Although, would #Dodgers and #Kershaw like to thank the #SFGiants for tiring the #Rockies hitters out in the late innings last weekend?

 

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “What a strange time it is when the 2 most powerful people in professional sports are V. Stiviano and whoever runs the US Patent and Trademark Office.”

 

 

From Marc Ragovin ”  hear General Motors has a new training film for new hires: Total Recall”

 

Have a heart…

March 24, 2012

Former V.P. Dick Cheney, 71, is recovering after successful heart-transplant surgery. It was the longest recorded instance of someone surviving so long without one.

Rick Santorum is now backtracking on comments he made saying Republicans might as well vote for President Obama as Mitt Romney. Santorum’s been trying to explain away so many remarks these days, he’s not just trying to catch Romney, he’s trying to BE Romney.

A man was taken into custody after he tried to climb the The New York Times’ 52-story headquarters. He said he wanted a copy of the newspaper. Police describe him as “emotionally disturbed.” Wow, said most young people – he wanted a newspaper?

(or has some friends have suggested, “what’s a newspaper?”)



Ann Romney, defending De Niro’s first lady joke. “We’re all overreacting to so many things, & making things so difficult, which means we have to watch every single word that comes out of our mouth. We can’t be spontaneous. We can’t be funny.” And Ann should know- she is married to Mitt, who can neither be spontaneous nor funny.

Newt Gingrich called Obama’s “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon” comment “disgraceful.” Illustrating again why Newt is qualified to be President, of his lunar colony.

Now that the clock has struck midnight for all the tournament Cinderellas, many sports fans can start thinking again about the REAL appeal of March Madness – it ends the night before Opening Day. Play ball.

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Mitt Romney is trying to shrug off the Etch A Sketch comparison. Mitt thinks he’s much more of a Transformer.

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Rick Santorum called Mitt Romney a potential “Etch a Sketch” president. So then who’s Gingrich? The potential “Weeble” president? (Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.)

Final Jeopardy answer on Friday: “Scrabble.” For any under 30 readers that’s the rotary phone version of “Words with Friends.”

Just when they almost have us convinced that baseball players are athletes… Joba Chamberlain, out indefinitely with an ankle injury from playing with his son.

A USA Today headline says “Tim Tebow, Jets hoping to avoid Big Apple circus” I think Tebow has a better chance of breaking Drew Brees’ passing record.

Lining up to be counted??

March 24, 2010

Starbucks offered a free pastry Tuesday morning to anyone who ordered a ‘hand-crafted” drink. And stores had people waiting in lines around the block. Forget all these expensive contingency plans to get people to fill in their census forms. The government should just offer them free doughnuts.


For all the nasty vitrol spewed by opponents of the healthcare reform, there actually would have been a kinder, gentler way to delay passage. Republicans should have just asked Joe Biden to say a few words in favor of the bill. (He’d still just be getting warmed up.)


Possible redemption for Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire? A Virginia chiropractor is under investigation for allegedly providing steroids to members of the Washington Nationals. What more evidence do we need that steroids don’t necessarily improve your performance?


Joe Biden seems to have upset some Republicans by referring to healthcare reform as a “f**king” big deal. Apparently he should have followed the lead of our last vice-president and used the word as a verb.

(In case anyone forgets, Dick Cheney suggested to Vermont senator Patrick Leahy that he attempt an anatomically impossible act.)


Apparently for the newest “Pirates of the Caribbean”, Disney has asked that only aspiring actresses with “real breasts, not implants” apply for the roles. Auditions will be held in Los Angeles whenever both candidates can make it.


Zydrunas Ilgauskas has signed a deal that will again have him playing center for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Just when those poor midwest sportscasters and copy editors had finally gotten comfortable with “Faroukmanesh.”

Andy Borowitz said that Google claimed one of the last straws in their decision to pull out of China was the way the Chinese censors turned a request for “human rights” into “did you mean hunan rice.” But hey, anyone could make that mistake,” said former President George W. Bush.


Brett Yormark, the CEO of the truly awful New Jersey Nets, apparently was seen arguing with a fan who attended a home game with a paper bag over his head. Guess the fan wouldn’t share his bag.


from my funny friend Neil Berliner:

A poll says that 50% of New Yorkers favor the legalization of medical marijuana and 41% oppose. One gentleman in the other 9% asked to have the question repeated twice and then replied, “Hey bud, which way is the Fillmore East at?”

Cheney and room for moderates

May 11, 2009

Dick Cheney said there was “room” for moderates in the Republican party.  Yes, but presumably that room is in Gitmo.

Dick Cheney said there’s  room for moderates in the Republican party.  Of course, in this room analogy he is Mr. Rochester and moderates are  Bertha.

(okay, if you don’t like or didn’t have to read Jane Eyre, google those names.))

Dick Cheney said there was room for moderates in the Republican party.   Of course, his definition of a moderate?  Someone like Newt Gingrich.

Dick Cheney said he’d rather follow Rush Limbaugh into battle than Colin Powell.  Well, maybe because with gunfire Rush would be a much bigger shield.

A recent study by researchers at the University of Vermont and Johns Hopkins University found that there were “no net benefits associated with chronic caffeine” use.

Well, other than the thousands of murders probably prevented every year because people have their coffee in the morning before they interact with others.

Manny Ramirez, although he has accepted his suspension, claims he didn’t take steroids like Alex Rodriguez.   And maybe there’s something to that based on results… Manny batted around .500 in last year’s playoffs.

There’s a new potential reality show next year based on “the Amazing Race.”  The first episode would feature John Edwards and Simon Cowell trying to get to a building’s only mirror.

and finally from Jim Barach, wish I had written this one.
Former NBA star Dave Bing has been elected Mayor of Detroit. He says he wants to address the issues of drugs, violence and children born out of wedlock. After he fixes the NBA he will work on Detroit.