Posted tagged ‘Jon and Kate jokes’

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Erratic behavior..

October 16, 2009

TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract based on his erratic behavior. But seriously, if you were looking for reasonable behavior would you really choose someone who thought it was a good idea to have eight children?

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Well, unfortunately for Yankees haters, tonight we discovered that you really can’t spell Los Angeles Angels without at least three “Es”.
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Recently released NCAA transcripts from 2006-7 show that some Florida State football players were reading at a second-grade level. Over at USC they were shocked – there are college football players who actually read?
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Michael Vick had better not participate in any taunting when the Eagles play the Raiders Sunday. I think it violates the terms of his parole to be cruel to dogs.

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The Eagles-Raiders game didn’t sell out and will be blacked out this Sunday. Is the NFL really using the right incentives? Maybe they should have threatened that without a sell out, it would be the only game broadcast in Oakland?

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According to SI.com, Stephen Strasburg, the Washington Nationals’ most highly-hyped prospect ever, had a strong first start in the Arizona Fall League. Well, he’s already accomplished one thing – this might be the first time the words “Washington Nationals” have been used in a baseball game story in October.

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From T.O to T.J. Now Seahawks receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh is is complaing that he’s not getting the ball enough. Maybe because none of the coaching staff can fit his name in the playbook?

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Another comment on Garth Brooks coming out of retirement, from Bill Littlejohn: “Relax, Padres fans; it’s to sing.’’

But actually, could Garth hit that much worse than the regular Padres lineup?

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Where is Kate… and Jon plus ?

July 24, 2009

Somehow father of eight Jon Gosselin has turned into quite the eligible guy, dating a series of twenty something young women. One as young as 22. If this keeps up, will his show be Jon plus 8? Or rather, Jon plus 18 year olds?

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Vincente Padilla of the Texas Rangers has swine flu but will pitch through it as “apparently” he is not contagious. Maybe to be safe, the Rangers should trade Padilla to the Nationals, they can’t catch anything.

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A fan has settled with the New York Yankees for $10,000 after he was ejected from Yankee Stadium for going to the bathroom during the National Anthem. The settlement will almost cover the cost of his attending a future Yankees game.

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There’s a puzzling mystery at NBA headquarters. Apparently for some reason people from Nike have destroyed all tapes and records of the 2007 NBA finals.

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This is the time of year when star baseball players are traded from cellar dwellers to contending teams, although most of them manage to be gracious in their departures. But really, such trades in country music parlance are like your wife leaving you but she also leaves you the pickup truck, the dog, and a refrigerator full of beer.

(and yes, that’s a sexist joke, but I’m a woman. So I can make it.)

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President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr, and Cambridge Policeman James Crowley to get together with him and discuss the situation over a beer. When asked where, Obama reportedly replied, “Anywhere but Yankee Stadium, I can’t afford it.”
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And finally from the very funny Alex Kaseberg:

“A Missouri car dealer is offering new truck buyers a free AK-47 automatic weapon. In other words, he is inviting people – during tough economic times – to come to his business and providing them with a lethal weapon as well as a means of escape.

What could possibly go wrong?”

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Reality and unreality.

June 24, 2009

Now that the split is official, Kate Gosselin says in divorce papers that she and her husband Jon have lived “separate and apart” for at least two years.

Which means that the whole reality show about their marriage has been a lie for that time. We may be losing a televised marriage, but we are gaining two potential political candidates.

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Between all the steroid scandals and stories like Jon and Kate’s that make you wonder about ALL reality shows, who’d have thought that the most honest entertainment out there might be pro wrestling?

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The Oakland As honored their 1989 World Series winning team Tuesday night. Mark McGwire declined to attend, although he was offered a chance to throw out the first syringe.
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New Mexico police cited a woman for keeping 334 bunny rabbits in her yard. 334 bunnies?! Or as Hugh Hefner calls that “a good start.”

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San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum pitched his second complete game victory against the Oakland A’s in a week Tuesday night. The Giants could have sure used Lincecum in 1989 when they were swept by the As in the World Series. Except for the fact Timmy was four years old.

Over 15,000 people showed up in Albuquerque to watch Manny Ramirez start his rehab from his 50 game suspension with the Triple A Isotopes. Ramirez went 0-2. But let’s be fair, 15,000 people? That’s a much bigger audience than he’s used to seeing in the early innings at Dodger Stadium.

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Ed McMahon died today. He was the perfect sidekick. Always there, always charming, always in the background supporting his man. In related news, Barack Obama sent DVD’s of Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show to Joe Biden.

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Jon and Kate, Separ – Eight.

June 23, 2009

Does anybody really care?

Actually Jon and Kate are saying now that the pressure of having their whole team on national television every week really took its toll. And the Detroit Lions said “Tell us about it.”

Alternate punchline, the Detroit Lions said “Wait a minute, that’s OUR excuse.”

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Gloria Estefan has purchased a stake in the Miami Dolphins. No word yet if the Dolphins running attack will now be nicknamed the “Miami Ground Machine.”
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Speaking of television, Lindsay Lohan is apparently getting her own reality show. This may be the first time in recent memory that the terms Lindsay Lohan and reality have been used in the same sentence.

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The Guardian Council, Iran’s top electoral body, found “no major fraud” in the recent presidential election. Apparently they used the same investigative techniques that Bud Selig used to proclaim baseball’s steroids testing program so successful.

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Iran’s top electoral body found “no major fraud” in their recent presidential election. They also announced that they felt sure Derrick Rose took his own SAT test.
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An 103 year old man, believed to be the oldest living professional baseball player, threw out the first pitch last weekend at a Padres game. The man said it was the biggest thrill he has had in baseball – well, since he hit his first home run against Jamie Moyer.

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This line below was actually spoken live on ESPN’s coverage of the College World Series Monday night. The context, for any readers with dirty minds, was that the weather was so hot and humid, it was almost impossible to keep the baseballs moisture free.

“The balls are getting wet in the umpire’s sack.”

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And this is one I wish I had written, from the very funny Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star Phoenix and Canada.com

“Tom Brady’s supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen is expecting a baby. Either that or she ate a grape.”
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This week in Buffalo

May 16, 2009

This week in Buffalo, former defensive end Bruce Smith was charged with DUI, and fullback Corey McIntyre was charged with indecent exposure for exposing himself to a woman.

So who’d a thunk it, the Bills have this embarrassing a week, and T.O was not involved.

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These two arrests were the fourth and fifth for the Bills this off-season. Who do they think they are?  The Bengals?

 

Quit while you’re ahead department. 

The State Department has revised a report that erroneously pegged the salaries of some foreigners working abroad at U.S. embassies and other places at less than $1 per day.

Two days after the report was released, the inspector general’s office said it’s not $1 a day.  It’s $4 a day.

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The Bengals will apparently be able to clear their season ticket holder waiting list.  This is shocking, the Bengals have a season ticket holder waiting list?

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Manny Ramirez is telling Dodgers fans he will be staying in top shape during his 50 game suspension for testing positive for HCG, a pregnancy hormone used as a fertility drug.  He also said he is committed to a healthy diet despite his cravings for pickles and ice cream.

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There are rumors that Jon and Kate of  “Jon and Kate plus 8” may split up.  The second most common response to this news is shock.  The most common response “Who are Jon and Kate?”

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