Posted tagged ‘trump twitter jokes’

Get out the violins

January 3, 2018

Nick Saban complaining that teams only get 7 days between #CFBPlayoffsemifinals to championship. If it’s a problem Scott Frost could probably get undefeated #UCF to Atlanta in time.

 

AP story on #RoseParade talked about spectators “camping on sidewalks and braving overnight temperatures in low 40s.”. East coast response ” STFU”

Blizzard caused a major crash today involving about 75 vehicles, shut down highway near Buffalo. Maybe someone shouldn’t have said hell would freeze over before Bills made playoffs.

Carson Palmer says he is retiring from the NFL. “The first time’s the hardest” responded Brett Favre.

 

While Trump touts HIS record in avoiding commercial airline fatalities, HIS FAA considers dropping minimum flight hours for commercial pilots’ licenses from 1500 to, depending on background, between 500-1000 hours…. But hey, who needs regulations anyway?

Don’t get me wrong, Mitt Romney will be an upgrade over Orrin Hatch. But I am somehow missing all the pundits saying he should stay home and knit instead.

10 Americans killed in small plane crash in Costa Rica on trip booked by US tour company. And Trump takes opportunity, not for “thoughts and prayers” but to tout his magic with planes flying in US?

That moment when you realize fate of world may hinge on Kim Jong Un being the mature sane one.

I miss the days when you googled “paranoid delusional President” and you came up with Nixon.

Remember how relieved millions were when @realDonaldTrump got John Kelly as adult supervision in the White House?

Learned about “sundowning” when mom had dementia, learned to dread her phone calls then. But those calls were less scary than @realDonaldTrump sundown tweets.

If someone spills #DietCoke over a #NuclearButton does it make the button as nonfunctional as a wet smartphone or laptop? Asking for a country.

If you threaten to shoot people on Twitter pretty sure it’s a violation of terms of service. So shouldn’t same apply to threatening nuclear war? @jack @realDonaldTrump

Rumors that Trump has threatened to cancel his visit to Britain this year if Obama attends Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Wedding.

And millions of Brits are begging Harry to invite Barack, Michelle and the whole family.

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For the next round…

May 30, 2017

Think I’ve solved this SF Giants-Nationals thing. Let Washington find Jamie Moyer and sign him to a one-day contract. Have Baker tell him to throw at Posey. Honor regained, and Buster won’t even have a bruise.

Cubs’ Jake Arrieta said of Strickland Harper brawl “Thought it was awesome.” Guessing someone won’t get benefit of doubt with his next HBP.

Strickland gets longer suspension than Harper? Has @MLB watched 2017 #SFGiants? Not sure Hunter has enough control to hit him that squarely.

In Washington state, police have not yet recovered the body of a young man who fell off a cliff while taking a selfie with his girlfriend. How long until “death by selfie” becomes listed as an official cause of death for statistical purposes?

Sad when anyone young dies. But how even more sad that the lead to your obituary is “bachelorette contestant”? #bustohell

 

Armed man taken into custody in rental car area at #OrlandoInternationaAirport. So someone finally lost it w/ all those additional fees & taxes?

Cleveland fired cop who shot #TamirRice for “falsified data on his application”? Sad. Even so PD has higher standards than White House.

Okay, who’s going to be the first to take as their stripper name?

Trump White House – where those that aren’t under investigation are about to be fired for not protecting those under investigation.

#HouseofCards releases a new season this week. I liked the show better when it didn’t feel like a documentary.

#SeanSpicer “I think the relationship the President has had with Merkel as fairly unbelievable.” When he’s right, he’s right.

Meanwhile new White House communications director Mike Dubke has already quietly resigned from his job, which was overseeing the messaging strategy. Shocking. Thump’s White House HAS a messaging strategy??

 

How long until @realDonaldTrump tries to get all his fake Twitter followers registered to vote?

 

Justin Trudeau reportedly too took Trump up on offer to contact him on cellphone. Conversation? Or did Justin just try to distract the President w/ cat videos?

White House spokeswoman Hope Hicks – “President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy, which is infectious to those around him. He has an unparalleled ability to communicate with people, whether he is speaking to a room of three or an arena of 30,000. He has built great relationships throughout his life and treats everyone with respect. He is brilliant with a great sense of humor … and an amazing ability to make people feel special and aspire to be more than even they thought possible.

Time to introduce White House drug testing?

 

Finally, a bipartisan comment.  #KathyGriffin is a f*cking idiot. That is all.