Posted tagged ‘playoff jokes’

Black and orange and a little bit blue.

October 12, 2012

For anyone who’s been thinking nostalgically  about Will Clarks’s 1987 “I’ve been waiting for this since I was an f**king amateur.”

And anyone who had a very unproductive few hours at work following the Giants-Reds game already knows this.  But for the uninitiated – torture is back.

SF Giants today became the first team in Major League Baseball history to win a best of five playoff series after losing the first two at home.  So ESPN focuses Sportcenter on … Thursday Night Football,  Dale Earnhardt, Jr,  and of course,  the Yankees.

Tonight’s Orioles-Yankees game finished up in 13th inning in New York, over four hours since the first pitch. Normally the only games that last this long in New York are 9 inning Red Sox-Yankees games.


All this hype about the importance of winning tonight’s running mate debate. Yeah, it made such a difference to Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.

An initial CNN focus group report said that 32% thought Biden won, 32% thought Ryan won, and 35% thought it was a draw. But 80% after watching Joe said – “I’ll have what he’s having.”

Paul Ryan danced around an abortion question so carefully,  he may be invited to compete on the next DWTS.

Damn, if Joe Biden ever gets tired of this political stuff he has an endorsement contract waiting with 5-Hour Energy.

Maybe before the next debate President Obama should practice against Joe Biden instead of John Kerry.  No one will ever accuse Biden of being too polite.

James Young, the #5 basketball recruit in the country, says he’s going to Kentucky, adding “I’m not just looking for the NBA. I’m looking for an education and a national championship and that’s about it.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Ah perspective. Texas Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan, discussing the end of the season, said the timing of Josh Hamilton’s decision to quit smokeless tobacco this summer “couldn’t have been worse.” Uh, is there ever a bad time to quit chewing tobacco?

How did this guy ever get the reputation for being out of touch? Mitt Romney today: “We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.”

From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying Mitt Romney is loaded, but he just bought one of his granddaughters a Barbie’ S Dream House with its own car elevator.”

Somewhere Lloyd Bentsen is thinking: “I knew Jim Lehrer, Jim Lehrer was a friend of mine, Martha Raddatz, you’re no Jim Lehrer. – Thank God.”


Hidden gem?

October 7, 2012

Oakland A’s vs. Detroit Tigers Sunday morning, playing a noon game, are ONLY on MLB Network. Part of Bud Selig’s plan to make sure football stays our real national pastime?

(No doubt hardcore baseball fans should be able to find some free station showing Yankees highlights.)



Bad weekend for the tomahawk chop. “Bummer,” said no one outside Atlanta and Tallahassee.

Bummer for the BCS. Going to be tougher than they expected to schedule that Alabama LSU rematch for the National Championship this year.


The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson have broken off their engagement. “Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” said absolutely nobody.

Several Sandusky jurors were interviewed and said the former Penn State assistant coach should receive a life sentence. The others presumably just wish the death penalty were available.

“The Price is Right” has signed their first male model. “About time” said millions of women. “What the heck is the ‘Price is Right’?” said millions of men.

Weird baseball trivia for Saturday night. The Cincinnati Reds made it through 2012 without a starting pitcher being injured – and Johnny Cueto didn’t make it out of the first.

A suspicious package sent to Bristol Palin at CBS Studios caused some consternation on the DWTS set. Wonder what was so suspicious about it. Did someone send her a book?

More bad news for Mitt Romney. Sesame Street’s “The Count” called. He wants to see those budget figures.

The SF Giants had Alex Smith throwing out the first pitch for the first game of the playoffs. Maybe it’s as well that the Os eliminated the Rangers. With Romo throwing someone could get hurt.

Jim Lehrer says he was a “effective” debate moderator last Wednesday night.. By that standard Tony Romo was an “effective” quarterback last Monday night.

As the infield fly umpiring debacle from last night’s Cardinals-Braves game remains front page sports news – the happiest person in America has got to be Roger Goodell.

This just in – Mitt Romney both agrees and disagrees with last night’s infield fly call.

MLB Rule 2.00

October 5, 2012

MLB Rule 2.00 is the infield fly rule.  (which is currently posted on the Atlanta Braves website…. without comment.)

The rule states that an infield fly is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort.   To give the umpires some benefit of the doubt,  with all the errors Atlanta made tonight, they might have been confused about this “ordinary effort” stuff.

Women baseball fans are still especially stunned by that so-called infield fly tonight in Atlanta that ended up well into the outfield – normally when men misjudge length they don’t err on the low side.

Chipper Jones has to be  thinking,  for his last MLB game, maybe he should have loaned the umps his reading glasses?

Even the replacement refs who saw that play are saying  – “What were they thinking?

This just in, Al Gore blamed that infield fly call in the Cardinals-Braves game on the altitude.

Dear Gawd, and Bud Selig thought the worst thing that could happen with this ridiculous one-game playoff idea is that the NY Yankees might end up out of the post-season by the weekend.

If there’s a karmic silver lining in tonight’s Cardinals-Braves game, is Don Denkinger finally off the hook?

(for non-baseball fans,  Don Denkinger was the umpire whose blown call at first base cost the St. Louis Cardinals the World Series against the Kansas City Royals in 1985.)

Listening to an aging Jack Welch rant today that the unemployment numbers “don’t smell right.” Uh, a potential one word answer on that smell issue – “Depends?”

Another post-debate thought. If Mitt Romney is determined to cut PBS why didn’t he reference a perceived elitist show like “Masterpiece Theater,” instead of “Big Bird,” – one of the most beloved characters on one of the beloved shows in America?

Ohio State backup QB Cardale Jones tweeted today “Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL classes are POINTLESS.” And SEC players responded “What are classes?”

Jim Lehrer said today that the “The likelihood of my doing another debate in 2016 is, on a scale of one to 10, a minus one.” Hillary Clinton is bummed, she was counting on Lehrer making her look young and vigorous.

The jobless rate fell to below 8% today. Which the GOP immediately said was bad news for job seekers – specifically Romney and Ryan.

Amazing that some conservatives who think Obama is the most incompetent President ever still think he has the power to orchestrate a massive conspiracy on the unemployment rate.

From T.C.  “I  just flew home on American Airlines and sat in rows 15, 14, 11 & 8.

Monday musings.

October 16, 2011

The world’s population is expected to hit seven billion by the end of October. And just think, all these children were conceived before the NBA lockout.

For a while tonight’s Cardinals-Brewers game was looking like it will be decided in overtime by a field goal.

Rangers have to have loved watching the NLCS slugfest. Especially after last night. Did the Rangers score 15 runs against the Giants in the whole World Series?

In related news there are rumors that some guys in red caps were seen earlier in Milwaukee parks with peanuts trying to lure temporary “pets” for their visitors clubhouse.

The SF 49ers beat the Detroit Lions despite 15 penalties for 120 yards. Wonder if this was THEIR game to honor Al Davis?

ESPN notes that Stanford’s football team,which is ranked No. 5 in the coaches’ poll and No. 7 in the Harris Poll, is No. 20 in Massey’s computer ratings and No. 15 in Sagarin’s. They add that the BCS computers “don’t seem to like the Cardinal at this point.”. Really, what was their first clue?

In fact, undefeated #7 Stanford beat now 3-3 WSU by 30. #8 Clemson rallied to beat now 2-4 Maryland 56-45. You know what that means. Clemson jumped over Stanford in the polls.

Open note to readers asking for San Jose Sharks jokes – the Sharks don’t get really funny until the playoffs.

Okay, so almost nobody had the SF 49ers 5-1 at this point. On the other hand, bookies just collected big time on all those fools who bet Harbaugh would make it at least halfway through the season without a post-game incident involving another coach.

Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is “a very likable person.” Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he’s wrong about the second.

A 100-year-old man in Toronto today became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon. Although rumors are he just went out to get the paper. And had a little trouble remembering his way home.

Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville.

In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week’s CNN Republican debate, adding ““Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I’ve made them – it’s been when I’m tired.” Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin.

Serious travel thought for the night: Eleven of Walt Disney World’s deluxe resorts have just started offering free in-room wireless access. If WDW (sometimes known as Wallet Disney World) can take such a step, what’s holding back chains like Hyatt, Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, and Marriott?

It’s raining stats.

October 4, 2011

I think I can speak for many Americans when I say, “Okay, so I’d rather see “my” team win a playoff game. But it’s not a bad consolation prize to watch the Yankees lose.”

My friend Walter pointed out today that of all the meaningless statistics in baseball, the most egregious involve pinstripes, like Sportscenter talking about the “most Ks postseason against the Yankees.”

But get this one from “Delmon Young’s solo homer in Monday’s game was the sixth go-ahead, game-winning shot in the seventh inning or later vs. the Yankees during the wild-card era. The last was David Ortiz’s walk-off homer in 2004 that started the Red Sox’s historic comeback in the ALCS.”

On the postgame show, Joe Girardi politely complained about the small strike zone for Sabathia. When asked, “did you think the zone was equal for both sides?” he responded “I don’t necessarily look at Verlander’s pitches, I look at our guy’s.” Yeah, hard to understand how the Yankees get the reputation for thinking the world resolves around them.

The Yankees got two on in the ninth, but Derek Jeter struck out to end the game. His sixth strikeout of the ALDS. Guess this postseason you can’t spell “Kaptain” without a “K.”

Potential joke after game four. What’s the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees?

About a week.

Hank Williams Jr’s “Are you ready for some football,” was dropped from the opening of MNF after the country singer compared President Obama to Hitler. Williams also added “They’re the enemy… Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.” Sounds like his Hank’s math skills are on a part with the rest of his intelligence.

Tacky joke about a tackier incident. What was Hank Williams Jr. thinking when he said John Boehner’s outing with the President was like golfing with Hitler? As if Hitler would have ever gone golfing with an orange person.

Martha Stewart’s daughter Alexis, 46, has written a tell-all book, “Whateverland: Learning to Live Here,” in which she complains about her mother and says amongst other things that she was very rigid and everything had to be done perfectly. Martha Stewart a control freak? “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.

Is it just me, or is anyone else just not that impressed with people making big money and going on book tours, when they’ve accomplished no more in their lives than being able to complain about their famous parents?

The latest MLB rumor has GM Theo Epstein possibly leaving the Red Sox for the Cubs. Well, at least it would take care of that problem of overly high expectations.

Speaking of expectations, okay, so the Buccaneers beat the Colts on MNF. These things happen. But who in the off-season would have expected the headline “Indianapolis nearly upsets Tampa Bay?”

Hawaii has become the first state to call surfing an official high school sport. In California and Florida they are scoffing – it’s not a sport until you can get paid in college for playing it.

Three Buckeyes football players have been suspended for OSU’s game against Nebraska for allegedly being paid too much money for too little work in their summer jobs. Have to wonder, are the players all planning to run for Congress?

Although the way OSU is playing, maybe they were also suspended for being overpaid for their on-field performance.

Heaven knows the Democratic party has some serious crazies. But at the moment none of them are running for President. This from a recent Michele Bachmann appearance on an Iowa radio show: A caller told her he would vote for serial killer Charles Manson over President Obama. “Hey, thank you for saying that,” she replied.

Headline today: “Christie Would ‘Cannonball’ Republican Field.” Cannonball? As a child who grew up in diving in hotel/motel pools before this was outlawed, I would say a Chris Christie “Cannonball” would be more like a tsunami.

Down but not out.

September 28, 2011

The Wild Card races will come down to the wire Wednesday. The question of the day, can the Braves and Red Sox unwind the wire from around their own throats?

The SF Giants’ Conor Gillaspie’s first major league home run was an inside the park shot that included him falling down rounding third. Making it both an ESPN “Top 10” AND “Not Top 10” play.

This next may only make sense to frustrated SF Giants fans (which may be redundant in 2011):

Brandon Belt got his first “Splash Hit” (A home run that clears the fence straight into the water) for the Giants Tuesday night at A T & T Park.) Guess that means manager Bruce Bochy will bench him for Wednesday’s finale.

And as my friend Daniel Silveira added “Well, they would have sent him back to Fresno for one more stint at AAA, but the season is over. So, the human yo-yo gets a break.”

(For those who haven’t watched the Giants much this year, a disturbing pattern was to give veterans chance after chance, while rookies not only were on short leashes, they were often benched or sent down even after good games.)

An Emory University student from New York has been arrested and charged with taking the SAT exam for at least six students attending a top Long Island private high school. The student was alleged to have made between $1500-2000 per test. The most shocking part? No football or basketball players appear to be involved.

Michael Vick claims he won’t be complaining about not getting calls from referees anymore. Translation, Vick just figured he might like to get a call go his way sometime in 2011.

The Braves lost again Tuesday night to the Phillies. With the Cardinals win this now meansa a tie for the NL Wild Card. How bad has it been? This Braves team in late September has become the most unwatchable thing for Atlanta fans since Ted Turner used to make out with Jane Fonda in the owner’s box.

The Dow roller coaster continues, with the market up over 300 points at one point on Tuesday. Meanwhile, the top headline story on all day? The opening arguments in the manslaughter trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor.

Baylor QB Robert Giffin III now has has passed for more touchdowns (13) than incompletions (12.) Well, at least Peyton Manning in 2011 may also end up with no more incompletions than touchdowns.

Lebron James is headlining a charity basketball game in Miami next month. And who knows better about charity than Lebron? In fact he’s going to play the whole game like it’s the fourth quarter.

Southwest booted actress Leisha Hailey off a plane for kissing her girlfriend. Meanwhile, millions of men tried to figure out how to book themselves on the couple’s next flight.

Andy Rooney, 92, said he will deliver his 1097th and final essay for “60 Minutes” this Sunday. Responded many Americans – “Andy Rooney’s still on ’60 Minutes?'” Responded Americans under 30 – “Who’s Andy Rooney?”

College Republicans at Berkeley had an affirmative action bake sale where women and minorities paid a lower price than white men. So when is the follow up bake sale? Where minorites and women pay more, because parents and rich mens alumni groups subsidize prices for the white male students?

This passes for a short quote from Joe Biden. Heck anything under a novella is a short quote from Joe Biden but I like it:

When asked on “the View” about the gay soldier being booed. “I did have a visceral response to it,” I’m not sure if it’s because my son spent a year in Iraq. And I know my sons and all the kids with them — kids, they’re grown men — I don’t think they give a damn whether the guy firing a rifle to protect them is gay or straight. I don’t think they care about that. Look this kid risked his life. This kid is there for them. And I, quite frankly, I thought it was reprehensible.”

Another #1 bites the dust….

October 17, 2010

Ohio State lasted all of one week at number one before they were knocked off 31-18 by the Wisconsin Badgers.


Texas 7, New York 2.  Texas’s bullpen held on. But as the game headed to the eighth, Rangers fans had to be united in one thought…. any chance Nolan Ryan might be available??

Friday night, however, with a 5-0 lead over the Yankees in game one of the ALCS, Texas fans were hoping for a historic evening . As it turned out, historic, yes, kind of like the Alamo.

According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, a league official is expected to meet with Brett Favre this week. The league is apparently taking seriously the  allegations that Favre  sent “sext”messages to a reporter when he was with the Jets.

The details will be worked out once the league and Brett can work out a mutually agreeable time between his regular nap and the “Early Bird special.”

Okay,even if Tim Lincecum never wins another post-season game (unlikely), he might win the award for best respond to playoff heckling.  After receiving a game’s worth of wolf-whistles and cat-calls for his long hair, Lincecum’ s response was “I must have a really nice butt.”

The San Jose Sharks, despite an early 2-0 lead, lost their home opener to the Atlanta Thrashers 4-2. On a brighter note, fans know that despite it being October, the Sharks are already in playoff form.

The FDA has approved Botox to treat headaches. Including perhaps the headaches caused by not being able to move your face?
Actually, upon further reflection, Botox for headaches,huh?  How many men will be asking Santa for a combination gift of Botox and Viagra this Christmas?
From TC:: “Incredible,” exclaimed the first guy out of the Chilean mine. “Why?” asked a reporter, “because you have finally been rescued?” No, the miner replied, “That the Maple Leafs are undefeated and in first place!” .
(for all non-hockey fans, yes, the Leafs are 4-0, and to put this in U.S. sports perspective for “Leafs” substitute Detroit Lions.  Except that the Lions are not in first place.)
New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees and his wife apparently have decided to name their new baby boy  something that starts with “B”,  and Brees has asked fans to help by making suggestions  that are “unusual.”
No word on the winning name, but it’s a pretty sure bet what the kid will someday be calling his dad for coming up with the idea:  Bozo.