Posted tagged ‘Carnival jokes’

And you’re out.

March 16, 2013

So with the USA bounced out of the World Baseball Classic does that mean we need to put an asterisk on “World Series Champions?”

The Dominican Republic is doing so well in the WBC that the Yankees are trying to figure out if there is any way to buy the team.  Or as my friend Jim Barach says, maybe just buy the entire country.

So will a silver lining of this USA World Baseball Classic loss mean that the U.S. will finally get around to declaring Puerto Rico the 51st state?

One good thing about Notre Dame’s day-glo basketball uniforms. They make the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms look positively restrained.


And as the Irish discovered tonight in their 69 to 57 loss to Louisville.  It’s not always easy being green.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Cancun, six people were killed and five were wounded when two masked men shot up a bar. And Carnival Cruise Lines said “See, it could be worse.”

Mitt Romney gave a speech at CPAC that sounded like he was still running for President. Well, suppose that makes at least as much sense as Paul Ryan acting with his budget like he and Mitt won.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was actually born in Canada. So when are we going to see conservative critics talking about his un-American vision?

And wonder how many of the conservatives who are criticizing Ohio senator Rob Portman’s new support of gay marriage, are the same folks screaming about too much government control over our lives?

In a speech to CPAC, Donald Trump criticized many in the the GOP, and added that immigration reform could be a “suicide mission” for Republicans. Though what the Donald is really unhappy about is that the party didn’t undertake the suicide mission of nominating him for President.

Quote of the day: “In our country today, if you’re born poor, if your parents didn’t go to college, if you don’t know your father, if English isn’t spoken at home, then the odds are stacked against you. You are more likely to stay poor today than at any other time since World War II,” So is it time to switch parties for the speaker? His name – Jeb Bush.

Seacrest out?  .

Ryan Seacrest 38, and Julianne Hough. 24,  are not only not getting married, they’ve apparently broken up after two years together. . Well, that ought to do wonders for the gay rumors?


Walker this way?

February 21, 2013

Mark Hamill, 61, says that his Luke Skywalker character will probably appear in the new Star Wars movie. This time of course, with Skywalker using a Sky Walker.

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Former N.M Senator Pete Domenici, who voted to impeach Clinton, now admits he had an out-of-wedlock son 30 years ago himself. (With the daughter of Paul Laxalt, who was a Senator from Nevada at the time.) Ah, family values.

Holland America is going to have a “Dancing with the Stars” cruise. Well, for some men we’ve probably got a vacation prospect less appealing than going on the Carnival Triumph.


One way in which celibacy will make Pope Benedict’s retirement easier: He won’t be dealing with a wife saying “Infallibility, schmallibility, just take the  damn garbage out.”


Now it turns out the lead detective in the Oscar Pistorius case is himself facing attempted murder charges? Who knew that the South African police might end up making the LAPD with the O.J. Simpson case look good?

Good thing at least in the Pistorius case no gloves seem to be involved. Yet.

But seriously, while no one absolutely knows what happened that night, anyone doubt that if  Pistorius had been  a non-celebrity with this story about shooting his girlfriend ,  they’d already be discussing sentencing and plea bargains?-


UCF, (University of Central Florida), just became a D1 football school in 1996. Today the school shut down most fraternity and sorority activities as it investigates two frats for alleged hazing and alcohol abuse. Guess it didn’t take the UCF Greek system long to advance to the big time.

The Univ. of North Dakota suspended men’s basketball announcer Paul Ralston for two games after he used the phrase “choke job” regarding a recent loss. During his suspension wonder if Ralston has been offered the chance to do announce spring training games for the Chicago Cubs.


Former U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson pleaded guilty to misusing campaign funds, saying in a statement: “I offer no excuses for my conduct and I fully accept my responsibility for the improper decisions and mistakes I have made.” What? No blaming it on the media or his enemies? The guy clearly doesn’t belong in politics.


A legal claim filed in Antioch, California accused a teacher of duct-taping an 8-year old boy’s mouth to keep him quiet. Which if true, is awful. Duct-tape has no place as a silencer involving children – unless it’s used on the parents of Little Leaguers.

From Tony Alan Banks:  “Roger Clemens needs to be tested. For Massengill or Summer’s Eve.”

Drifting along

February 17, 2013

CNN’s nonstop coverage of the Carnival Triumph story apparently got the network a 74% jump in their ratings. Ecstatic executives are trying to figure out how much of a bribe it will take to get a crewman to start another cruise ship engine fire.

Once the ship was finally towed into Mobile, most passengers on the Carnival Triumph went out of their way to praise the crew. And yet we KNOW there were at least a few folks who were mad that for the last nights they didn’t get towel animals on their beds.

Roland Martin of CNN wrote a column entitled “Pope Benedict shows true leadership by resigning.” So where is the denunciation of the “lame-stream” media on this one by Sarah Palin?

The Vatican said that because of Pope Benedict’s resignation, they may speed up the conclave to replace him. Perhaps they could really go modern and have Catholics text the word “Pope” to different numbers for various candidates.

Not generally a LeBron James fan, but do love educated trash talking: His response to Michael Jordan’s saying Kobe Bryant was a better player than Lebron because he had five rings: “Rings don’t always define someone’s career. If that’s the case, then I’d sit up here and say I would take (Bill) Russell over Jordan. But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t take Russell over Jordan. Russell has 11 rings, Jordan has six. I wouldn’t do that.”


Weaker sex my a**. How come women professional athletes are able to come out of the closet while they are still competing, and men only do so when they retire?

Not saying some of the contestants looked sloopy, but at times last night the NBA dunk contest looked like a Shaquille O’Neal free throw contest.


Good weekend to be a Los Angeles Lakers fan – the only few days in the the NBA season where there’s no chance of the team embarrassing itself.

Apparently NFL commissioner Roger Goodell earned $29.49 million in 2011. No wonder the league needs to levy all those fines.

Oscar Pistorius’s uncle says the Olympic athlete is “numb with shock, as well as grief” after the death of his model girlfriend. “I feel so sorry for him” said few men and practically no women.

A three hour, oops, 175 hour, cruise…..

February 14, 2013

Okay, someone somewhere with time on their hands is going to rewrite the Gilligan’s Island song….

“Oh this is a tale of our Carnival, we’re here for a long long while… Have to make the best of things, it’s a poop-filled time…” Etc.  (folks feel free to add.)

One couple on the stricken Carnival Triumph was married aboard the ship Saturday. Well, they’re certainly getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry.

RGIII’s rehab from reconstructive knee surgery is going so well that the Washington Redskins officials believe he has a legitimate chance to be injured again in the 2013 opener.

Only two games on the NBA schedule Feb 14 going into All-Star Weekend. This is actually unfortunate for many players. Means they had to make the tough choice about spending Valentine’s Day with which one of the mothers of their children.

President Obama spent part of of his day hanging out with preschoolers at an Early Childhood Learning Center in Georgia. Must have been a nice change to deal with people who are more mature than Congress.

Had enough of being tagged in all of these “Two free tickets on Southwest scam” photos. Presumably anyone who tries to claim them can go with Manti Teo’s girlfriend?

Okay Mark Zuckerberg, if you can get the Governor of New Jersey to your house for a fundraiser (as happened last night) then you can hire someone competent enough to block the “Free Southwest Tickets” spammer  on Facebook. Have gotten four or five today.

Kevin Youkilis said in an interview at Spring Training that he’ll “always be a Red Sock”, and he’ll “never be Alex Rodriguez.” New York Yankees fans are thinking they’ll forgive him for the former if he’ll promise the latter.


West coast problems: Trying to decide whether or not to turn on office air conditioning in February.

Generally there are few things less special than anything referenced in an email titled “A special offer just for you.”

A last serious thought for the night.     While I know Carnival will be giving all kinds of compensation to passengers on the Triumph, I hope the cruise line also remembers to give some serious extra compensation to the crew.   Because while minimum-wage and immigration are also in the news, here’s something travelers may not know: Cruise line employees aren’t illegal. But because those lines register ships in foreign countries, they don’t even have to pay U.S. minimum wage – housekeeping and restaurant staff are basically working for tips.

The bigger hangover?

February 13, 2013

So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday?   Folks who were at Mardi Gras,  or those who played State of the Union drinking games?


President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.

President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?

So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?

Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.

Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?

LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”


So while we wait to see for sure if  Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?

So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.


For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.

Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..


Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.

Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons  – Walmart’s founding family –  now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.

Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.


The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.

Tow, tow, tow your boat….

November 12, 2010

This great post title “Tow, tow, tow, your boat,” suggested by reader Gary Morton. And yes, it would make another possible new theme song for Carnival.

And tonight the Splendor is back in port, having been pulled in by six tugs.  But while the ship’s electrical system may be kaput, American ingenuity is alive and well.

As passengers disembarked they were met by enterprising salespeople with $20 “I survived the 2010 Carnival Cruise Spamcation.”

The t-shirt titles no doubt have potential too.

“My mom tried to go on a cruise to Mexico and all I got was a stale Pop Tart.”

“Spam, who said one million Hawaiians can’t be wrong.”

“Spam, it’s not just for breakfast, lunch and dinner anymore.”

Actually, a Carnival executive said no passengers were actually fed Spam.  Wonder what they used the stuff for instead.  A substitute for ice carving?

One lesson from this cruise – be careful (or at least specific) what you wish for. Out of those thousands of people on the Carnival Splendor, there had to be at least one person who said, “You know what I’d really like is to get away from all technology for a while.”

And a suggestion to passengers on the next Carnival Cruise, currently scheduled for November 21.  Probably not a good idea to be the first person to complain about cold eggs on the breakfast buffet.

Apparently some passengers were joking that it might be the first cruise they had been on where they actually lost weight.  Just another way that cruise ships are different than the airlines – had some airline executive heard that he’d probably have tried to charge the passengers retroactively for a spa cruise.

Okay, who’d have bet on this one? The last undefeated team in the NBA this season is the….New Orleans Hornets?!

And the “Dream Team” Miami Heat are 5-4.  Making them right now possibly the most over-hyped and over-rated star-filled team in the U.S.

“Hey,” said the New York Yankees  “That’s OUR job.”

Well, one good thing for the NBA out of Lebron’s “Decision.” It makes casual fans like me actually tune into at least part of some regular season games, just in hopes of seeing the Heat lose.

Carlos Beltran said he would “consider” waiving his no-trade contract if the Mets asked. Actually I believe his precise words were “You can DO that? H*ll, yeah.”

In a study involving 56 countries, the U.S. placed 31st in producing students with advanced math skills. Responded former President George W. Bush, “Well, at least we were in the top half.”

Many people connected with “Dancing with the Stars” cannot believe Bristol Palin is still in the competition.  It’s not just that she’s not a great dancer, it’s that they figured that like her mom, she’d quit half way through and declare victory.

From Bill Littlejohn:  Jets kicker Nick Folk didn’t know that his overtime FG had beaten the Lions, admitting that he thought that the Lions would get possession if he made the kick.Meanwhile, the NFL is investigating to see if , during the game,Folk had been exchanging texts with Donovan McNabb”

The Cowboys and other amateur football.

November 11, 2010

On November 13, Cowboys’ Stadium in Arlington, Texas will host Manny Pacquiao fighting Antonio Margarito for the WBC super welterweight title. For local sports fans who have been watching the Rangers and Cowboys, this may be the first time this month they can cheer for some real hits.

George W. Bush said it hurt his feelings when Kanye West said he didn’t care about black people. Besides, it’s not true. As President, George W. didn’t care about poor people of all colors equally.

Now Cam Newton, the Auburn quarterback and Heisman frontrunner, being accused of academic cheating and selling his services to the highest bidder, allegations that might make him ineligible for the award..  Although.many voters say so far these allegations will not affect their decision..

Considering the committee just got Bush’s award back, maybe they should start referring to it as the “Interim Heisman.”
While appearing in Dallas with Governor Rick Perry, Sarah Palin started her talk by telling family stories, while saying they were stories she had told before. And she stated “I need to run for office just so I have more material to share in my speeches” Uh, couldn’t Palin also have gotten more material by finishing out her last elected term?


Queen Elizabeth of England now has a Facebook page. Wonder if there was a trace of a royal smile when under family and children she entered “It’s complicated.”

Super Bowl winning quarterback Jim McMahon said at a Chicago Bears team reunion that he is losing his memory. Bears fans just wish they could lose their memories of Rex Grossman.

According to, in 2012, the Univ. of Denver, Texas-San Antonio and Texas State will join the WAC, joining Hawaii, Louisiana Tech, Idaho, New Mexico State, Utah State and San Jose State. (Boise State, Fresno State and Nevada are leaving for the Mountain West.) Stand by for the all-new “Who gives a crap” bowl.

Actually the University of Denver will only join the WAC in basketball, as the school doesn’t have a football team. Undeterred, the WAC will continue to look for another team that would be a good match….although they haven’t heard back from the Denver Broncos.

Latest Carnival Cruise Line slogan – “Cruising, unplugged.”

Carnival’s “Fun Ships” may soon offer a whole new range of exciting activities. For starters – Spam carving and as my friend Steve suggested,  skeet shooting with Pop Tarts.

Meanwhile, as the Splendor gets towed back to San Diego, you know somewhere else off the coast of Mexico, someone else is complaining about runny eggs and limp bacon on the breakfast buffet.

And over in England,  Later this month, a stage adaptation of the movie “Love Story,” will open in London. And all around the city, men are telling their wives “Honey, of course I’ll get tickets, but are you sure you wouldn’t rather I go shopping with you instead?”

But seriously, how many married men will voluntarily go to see the play “Love Story?”  Of course, buying tickets and going with their wives may end up being a new way for men to say they’re sorry.