Posted tagged ‘SOTU jokes’

Timing is everything?

January 13, 2016

The NFL is moving back to Los Angeles. So will LA Rams football fans who are also Dodgers fans arrive in 2nd quarter & leave in 3rd?

 

United Airlines has sent an email to frequent fliers, excitedly touting their new free snack in domestic economy class. Either a half ounce package of savory mix or a stroopwafel  (dutch caramel) cookie.  Is the airline trying to induce “Stockholm Syndrome?”

Hue Jackson has apparently decided to become the head coach at Cleveland. Just how bad has the 49ers franchise become that the Browns look like a better option?

So the going rate for a new NFL stadium seems to be about a billion dollars. Does this mean tonight’s Powerball winner can if they want have the Raiders?

Missouri has vacated their men’s college basketball wins from the 2013-14 and will not be eligible for this year’s postseason due to “major violations.” Meanwhile, Frank Haith, who coached during most of the violations, is happily coaching at an unsanctioned (for now) Tulsa. Ain’t NCAA justice grand?

The search for MH370 in the Indian Ocean has turned up an 19th century shipwreck. And CNN is asking hopefully “Was it a cruise ship?”

Iran has freed 10 U.S.sailors they detained for straying into their waters. Many in the GOP are furious. The sailors weren’t even held long enough for them to blame Obama.

Former NFL RB Lawrence Phillips was found dead in his California prison cell early Wednesday, a suspected suicide. Not my better angels here but – “What a shame,” said nobody.

Chris Christie has not only become anti-choice, he now denies ever making Planned Parenthood donations. Except this is the 1994 quote, from his pro-choice days. “I support Planned Parenthood privately with my personal contribution and that should be the goal of any such agency, to find private donations.”
Uh, Christie can’t just say “I have become pro-life and as such I realized I can’t support them anymore?” ‪#‎cantfixstupid

The angry reaction from some Republicans on Nikki Haley’s speech doesn’t illustrate the difference between the conservative and moderate wings of the GOP: it illustrates the difference between the conservative and bat-shit crazy wings of the GOP.

Bus to hell time – One of the men occupying that Oregon Wildlife refuge is unhappy that some responding to their call for supplies have been sending dildos. So what’s the problem, the occupiers also want K-Y jelly?

 

-reader Bill asks  “Just wondering? Do you think we could find Jimmy Hoffa if Rolling Stone could set up an interview with Sean Penn?”

(i wonder, maybe Penn could have helped us save a lot of money finding Bin Laden)

State of disunion?

January 13, 2016

More politics than sports today.  But unless you were in Oakland, St. Louis, San Diego or Los Angeles, not exactly a big sports day.  Anyone who really doesn’t like our President can stop reading today’s post now 🙂  (or make a snarky comment, I am all for free speech.)

 

Seems odd to see Paul Ryan at the State of the Union, with John Boehner gone it means that on the podium Obama is now the only person of color

 

#‎Obama‬ talked a lot about civility, and hope & being good citizens. Waiting for Trump to say he doesn’t want America to become soft.

 

Amazing how many people who knock Obamacare are politicians and pundits and other professionals who’ve never had to worry about health insurance in their lives.

Know not all my friends will agree, but today I was reminded of why I supported Senator Barack Obama a decade ago in the first place. ‪#‎SOTU‬

I hope all Republicans who don’t like the idea of President Obama’s empty chair at the State of the Union to represent the victims of gun violence were equally upset at Clint Eastwood’s chair talk at the last GOP convention.

The Family Research Council has invited Kim Davis to attend tonight’s State of the Union. Amazing. Now, I know they’re a conservative group, but no doubt they had at most a couple of tickets – and the person they most want to honor is someone who simply refused to do her job?

 –
The Powerball jackpot is looking to be over $1.5 billion. Wow. In a few years that will be about enough to cover the Dodgers payroll.
New Vegas odds for the 2016-17 College Football Championship: Alabama 6/1, Clemson 7/1, Oklahoma 7/1, Ohio State 10/1,Baylor 12/1, Florida State 15/1, LSU 15/1, Michigan 15/1, Notre Dame 15/1, Tennessee 15/1
No university west of the Central time zone. I am shocked, said nobody paying attention. ‪#‎whatlatenightgames‬ ‪#‎wehavelatenightgames‬?”

NFL owners voted today between Los Angeles stadium proposals and on which teams will occupy that new stadium. Discussions were reportedly heated. Oh, this billionaire on billionaire violence.

The ‪#‎Rams‬ are coming back to ‪#‎LosAngeles‬. Until they decide new stadium isn’t good enough & and they can get more $$$ to go somewhere else

 

All this chatter in Northern California about Oakland “winning” with the Raiders. Uh, not exactly. It’s like your significant other decided to leave you for someone else, but then their future partner decided that he or she got a better offer.

So was this ‪#‎NikkiHaley‬‘s speech to run as vice president? ‪#‎SOTU‬

 

I would believe the GOP a lot more on their interest in healthcare reform if any of them had done a damn thing about it when they controlled Congress and the Presidency. Ditto helping the middle class, etc.

 

Apparently Kim Davis sat “stony-faced” during the SOTU when Obama said that “America has secured the freedom in every state to marry the person we love.” Well, yeah, because the four-times married Davis believes the President’s actions somehow have hurt heterosexual people’s freedom to have as many weddings as they need to get it right?

The bigger hangover?

February 13, 2013

So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday?   Folks who were at Mardi Gras,  or those who played State of the Union drinking games?

 

President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.

President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?

So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?

Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.

Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?

LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”

 

So while we wait to see for sure if  Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?

So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.

 

For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.

Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..

 

Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.

Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons  – Walmart’s founding family –  now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.

Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.

 

The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.

Poped out?

February 11, 2013

Pope Benedict, 85, is resigning because of his failing health. Too bad, says Larry King, he’s such a nice young man. .

Actually there’s a special coincidence with this story. The last Pope to resign, Gregory XII,  did so in 1415.  He was one of the first interviewees on “Larry King Live”

 

So now that Benedict is quitting, will he write a memoir – “Poping Rogue?”

Many are still trying to figure out the real reason for Pope Benedict’s sudden resignation. Could an imaginary friend be involved?

Texas Rep. Steve Stockman is bringing Ted Nugent as his guest to President Obama’s State of the Union speech. Can you imagine if a Democrat had brought someone to a Bush SOTU who had said “if (he) becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

Let’s put this Ted Nugent thing in perspective with a milder comparison:   What if a Democratic congressperson had brought the Dixie Chicks to W’s second State of the Union?

Two men are in jail in New York after being caught with 450 pounds of marijuana in Western New York. Authorities became suspicious when the local 7-11 reported being unable to keep Doritos in stock.

A-Rod is 37, Jeter 38, Petitte 41, Ichiro 39 and Rivera 43. Even the Los Angeles Lakers are saying these Yankees are OLD.

A Carnival cruise ship is adrift off the coast of Mexico after an engine fire. Carnival is refunding passengers’ fares, offering them another free cruise, and reimbursing all onboard expenses except for the casino and gift shop. Might be the only cruise in history where people wish they had had a bigger bar bill.

Police say three people, including two women and the alleged gunman, were shot dead in at a courthouse in Delaware this morning. If we only had armed guards at courthouses. Oh wait. We do. Never mind.

With this decision on a new Pope, have to wonder just how much the cardinals will move into the modern era. Will Catholics be able to text a vote for their favorites? And will the finalists be given roses?

SF Giants fans may remember that Sergio Romo wore a t-shirt to the World Series parade that said “I only look illegal.” Think there’s a lot of money to be made right now in shirts saying “I only look like Christopher Dorner.”

After starting the year 7-0, the San Jose Sharks have lost 5 in a row. Isn’t it a little early in this strike-shortened year for the team to be in playoff form?

Okay, I’m not a Kobe fan, but give him credit on this one. One of his 1..3 million Twitter followers tweeted “You’re gay” to another fan. Bryant tweeted back “Just letting you know@PacSmoove @pookeo9 that using “your gay” as a way to put someone down ain’t ok! #notcool delete that out ur vocab.”