Posted tagged ‘state of the union jokes’

Just stopped by for a drink of water?

February 14, 2013

NY Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli is the latest player to deny getting PED’s from Biogenesis, the Florida anti-aging clinic currently under investigation by MLB.   Right, and most men found in brothels only stopped in to use the restrooms.

Scott Brown is joining Fox News. A decision that many in Massachusetts will view as a more embarrassing way to earn money than his college gig posing nude for Cosmo.

Bus to Hell time. So how long before some fried chicken restaurant offers a Chris Dorner “Extra Crispy” special?

My funny friend Abbe Nelson says “I think Christopher Dorner is taking Ash Wednesday a bit too seriously today.”

Way to go Marco Rubio. While he’s talking about the GOP plans to fix America, he’s drinking “Poland Spring” water, sold in the U.S., but bottled by a subsidiary of Swiss giant Nestle.

 

Steve Martin, 67, announced he became a first time father to a baby boy in December. There’s a certain symmetry – both father and son could end up in diapers at the same time.

UK freshman forward Nerlens Noel is out for the season and the NCAA tournament with a torn ACL. Since he’s a probable first round draft pick, wonder if Noel’s thinking “So I went to class for NOTHING?”

First reports said 4,000 passengers were on the stricken Carnival Triumph, today CNN reports there are 3,143 passengers. Let’s hope it’s just confusion, and 857 people didn’t decide to try to swim home.

 

Conditions are apparently far from ideal on that stricken Carnival Cruise ship, but they are giving out free booze. What could possibly go wrong?

Headline “Pope Benedict confident his resignation will not hurt Catholic Church.” What, more than his tenure as Pope already has?

So in last night’s SOTU drinking game, anyone get bonus points for predicting one of the speakers would actually also be drinking?

 

New York Mets’ owner Fred Wilpon says the team’s money woes are over. Their woes on the field on the other hand…..

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The bigger hangover?

February 13, 2013

So who has bigger hangovers this Wednesday?   Folks who were at Mardi Gras,  or those who played State of the Union drinking games?

 

President Obama said that the American people expect us to put our Nation’s interests before Party. Some probably want to impeach him for that.

President Obama says he wants to fix bridges before they fall down. Okay, which GOP governor is going to stand up first and say we don’t need that wasteful government spending in our state?

So what SOTU drinking game was #MarcoRubio playing?

Note to Senator Marco Rubio: Government probably spent money to make sure that water tonight was safe for you to drink.

Marco Rubio says President Obama’s economic plans will hurt the middle class. Shocking. Rubio believes there still is a middle class?

LAPD reported late this afternoon that Chris Dorner is dead. Uh, did they see the last episode of “House?”

 

So while we wait to see for sure if  Chris Dorner is alive or dead, a question – How long until the made-for-tv movie comes out?

So many conflicting stories. Next I expect to hear that the body that was found or not found in that burning Big Bear cabin was Lennay Kekua.

 

For those who try to find a silver lining in everything, at least passengers on the Carnival Triumph out of Galveston won’t have gained weight on their cruise.

Darwin would be so proud. A 52 year old man who was a daily customer and unofficial spokesman for the Las Vegas restaurant “Heart Attack Grill” which serves things like an over 9,000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Burger,” went into cardiac arrest in front of the restaurant and died..

 

Four freshmen on Alabama’s national champion football team were suspended today after being arrested and charged with 2nd-degree robbery and credit-card fraud. (One had been arrested 2 days before on a gun charge) Wonder if it’s too late for the players to apply for the NFL draft.

Robert Reich quotes an Economic Policy Institute study saying that the wealth of the Waltons  – Walmart’s founding family –  now exceeds the wealth of the bottom 40% of American families COMBINED. And some still think it’s a good idea for everyone to have guns.

Yes, he said it. John Boehner, when asked if he was ready to talk with President Obama about a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants: “How about a little foreplay first?” Talk about an indecent proposal.

 

The IOC voted to drop wrestling from the 2020, instead of the rumored modern pentathlon, which combines shooting, running, swimming, fencing and horseback riding. Well, this ought to reassure those who think the IOC is focused on rich nations.

State of the Union?

January 25, 2012

President Obama’s speech tonight was very realistic in one regard. While he returned to the theme of Washington being broken, he offered no over-optimistic plans to fix the Wizards and Redskins.


Another post State of the Union thought. President Obama was much more civil to the GOP than Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are to each other.

And there’s some progress in the U.S.A after all. Watching the State of the Union reminds me that we now actually have both a President and a Speaker of the House who are men of color.

Mitt Romney released his tax returns showing he will pay $6.2 million on income of over $42.5 million over the last two years. For a rate of 13.9% in 2010, and 15.4% in 2011. Well, gosh, with that kind of rate hike in 2011 I can see why Mitt thinks he needs a tax cut.

Oscar nominations announced today. And all these politicians who disavow all knowledge of what their Super PACs are up to were somehow shut out of the “Best Actor Category.”


Wonder if the Razzies will give a special award for “I fell into the lifeboat.”

San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi stated today that he will not take a leave of absence even though he has been charged with domestic violence – saying ““I will make sure, as I have been doing, (to) attend to the needs of the department.” At least he didn’t say he was a fighter.

The Raiders have announced the hiring Dennis Allen as their new coach. Since he’s going to be their 10th head coach since 1995, shouldn’t they refer to him as their “interim head coach?”

Costa Cruise Lines has offered passengers booked on future sailings of the Concordia a refund and a 30% discount on a future cruise. No exact word on the timeline for the discount. Which might matter as for several passengers no doubt they are thinking “when hell freezes over.”

Oregon football coach Chip Kelly turned down the head coaching position with Tampa Bay, in order to stay with the Ducks. Guess even with all his self-confidence, Kelly didn’t think he could turn the Buccaneers into BCS contenders.

The Indianapolis Colts are reportedly talking to 49ers Special Teams’ coach Brad Seeley. San Francisco is reportedly ready to let Seeley go, if he takes Kyle Williams with him.


From T.C. SF punt returner Kyle Williams has been invited by all 4 NY area NHL teams to drop the puck at their next home game.

Elizabeth Warren on the Daily Show in New York said the Patriots were going to “spank” the Giants in the Super Bowl. When asked by Jon Stewart, aren’t you supposed to waffle and say how much you respect the New York Giants, she responded “But I don’t.” Not a Patriots fan, but “You Go Girl!”

In the South Carolina presidential primary, apparently 953 ballots were turned in that belonged to dead people. Said Chicagoans – “Amateurs!”

Well, the SF Giants may not have signed any great hitters in the offseason. On the other hand, two of the best have gone to the AL. (Fielder and Pujols.) Does increase the likelihood of 2-1 wins over St. Louis and Milwaukee.

Less than a week away from Super Bowl media day in Indianapolis. Just waiting for the first reporter to ask this year “Do you think the weather will be a factor?”

Worst thing about the 49ers not making the Super Bowl. Not getting to hear Jim Harbaugh at Media Day. Especially after this response at a Monday press conference “Is it just California that everybody just wants to know how you feel? Care about what you thought, what you did, how you felt, how your pinky feels. Is that just a California thing? Back where I come from, nobody really cares.”

The State of the Union.

January 26, 2011

Or as Sarah Palin remarked ‘State of the Union,”  As if.  Everyone knows there are 50 of them.

And to anyone who by some chance had never seen a color picture of the Speaker of the House before, yes, he IS that orange. Please do not adjust your set.

One question about all these bi-partisan “dates” Tuesday night at the State of the Union speech – who was supposed to buy who a corsage?

The President said that we don’t just need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but also celebrate the winner of the Science Fair. Yeah, easy to say this week for a Bears fan.

President Obama went out of his way to be inclusive with positive words for all. Fortunately no one spoiled it by asking him about Jay Cutler.

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Among current and former NFL players that called out Jay Cutler’s toughness in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game was Deion Sanders.That’s like having your country’s toughness questioned by France.”
 

And btw, how come this “individual” liberty that Paul Ryan talked about in the Republican response somehow stops behind the bedroom door and for women in their doctor’s office?

At a Tea Party event in Iowa, Michele Bachmann said, amongst other things, that our Founding Fathers “worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual depth of Sarah Palin.



A Chicago car salesman wore a Green Bay Packers tie on Monday and was fired. Good thing he didn’t wear a Jay Cutler jersey, the guy might have been fired, tarred and feathered.

(Added Alex Kaseberg, he was thinking of wearing a Cutler jersey, but the jersey took itself out.)

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President Obama talked about the need to improve our country’s educational system, especially in the areas of science and technology. He also said that this was our “Sputnik” moment. Said most Americans “What’s Sputnik?”

Former Wolverine quarterback Tate Forcier, who was academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, said that he is considering transfering to Miami, Washington, Baylor, San Diego State, Middle Tennessee State and New Mexico.

Well, we now know the answer to the question “Name at least six schools with lower academic standards for athletes than Michigan”