Posted tagged ‘Dolphins jokes’

Fired up?

November 9, 2013

Pat Knight says he hopes his father Bob, who still holds a grudge against Indiana University for firing him, will eventually return for a basketball game. Maybe the Hoosiers could someday invite Bob to throw out the first chair?

With tentative calming in the Middle East, prices at the pump are tumbling. Americans haven’t seen the cost of gas fall this fast since Taco Bell introduced 49 cent tacos.

 

 

Green Bay Packers chairman Ted Thompson says that the situation with Brett Favre was “just one of those car wrecks.”. Uh, sir, the situation with Brett Favre was a punchline, the situation in the Dolphins locker room is a car wreck.

 

from Jim Barach:  “Miami Dolphins lineman Richie Incognito was accused of harassing a woman at a golf tournament in 2012. To which Dolphins front office executives are saying she should have just punched him out.”

 

Cal lost to USC 62-28.  This is getting bad enough that poor Bear alums are going to end up honorary Cubs fans.

 

Stanford had the ball for almost 45 minutes against Oregon. But time of possession isn’t quite everything. In an ACC game today the times were 28:58 and 31:02 respectively. The team that didn’t quite have the ball for half the game? Florida State. The Seminoles beat Wake Forest 59 to 3.

Ted Cruz on the Tonight Show. “I’m a big believer in health care reform I think we ought to reform health care so it’s personal, it’s portable, it’s affordable. We ought to empower patients rather than government bureaucrats getting between you and your doctor.” Nice words, where was Cruz when the GOP controlled government and COULD have put in their own reform? (Oh, that’s right, on his wife’s Goldman Sachs plan. Never mind.)

Eastern Michigan fired their football coach apparently for “inappropriate language.”. Wonder if part of the inappropriate language was “one and eight.”

A man was arrested at LAX last night, after he took a handgun from his luggage Friday night in baggage claim at Terminal 3, the site of last week’s shooting. The gun was unloaded, and was legal as he had declared it upon check-in. He was charged with brandishing a weapon in public area, and presumably terminal stupidity.

At Seattle-Tacoma Airport, a man ran through a TSA checkpoint, then a door onto the tarmac. He then raced up a stairway and punched through a door window at the end of a jetway to get onto an American Airlines plane. He was arrested without further incident on the plane. Guess airline security fees are going up.

(Jon Nedry wonders “Did he check his bag or carry on? In addition to criminal charges, there may also be checked bag charges.”)

In Fairfax County, Virginia, election officials have acknowledged they somehow haven’t counted 3,000 or so absentee ballots. The registrar is looking into it. Maybe they ended up in Chicago?

And the winner might be…?

November 8, 2013

Not sure if there are any winners in this Dolphins mess. Except maybe ESPN… which suddenly is looking at higher ratings for their upcoming Tampa Bay-Miami MNF game. Americans love train wrecks.

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Apparently Condoleezza Rice turned down a search committee that was looking for new Penn State president. Guess she feels there really are more uncomfortable jobs than having to explain away a war over non-existent WMDS.

 In an anonymous survey of NFL players, 20.8% said they would rather have Richie Incognito as a teammate, and 47.2% said they’d rather have Jonathan Martin. Makes sense. Whatever they think of the situation, Martin would be easier on their wallets.

Just wondering, if any of the Patriots thought Aaron Hernandez was dangerous, would reporting it have been a violation of the locker room code?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyer said Friday his client is “considering rehab.” So congrats to all those who had November 8 in the pool.

A new shark species was reportedly found off the Carolina coast. This has to be a John Edwards joke.

Stocks jumped Friday on a much better than expected jobs report. (204,000 new jobs when economists had predicted 120,000) I blame Obama.

CBS News is now apologizing for a “60 Minutes” story on Benghazi which has been heavily quoted by Republicans. They said they were “misled” by a source who claimed he was there during the attack, but who now admits to lying. Guessing this will not make the headlines on Fox News.

A boy who weighed in at 14 pounds when he was born at a hospital in Utah appears to be the biggest baby born in the United States so far this year. An inventory of things around his bed in the nursery included a stuffed animal, a rattle, a pacifer, and a letter of introduction from Les Miles. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/292719/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-November-8-2013-Edition-444#sthash.zcSaHpbW.dpuf

And the photo below was taken by my friend David Lombardi.    #Nerdnation at its finest.  Three of Stanford’s star football players in full postgame nerd regalia, right down to the glasses with plastic tape.  Very well played, gentlemen.

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Now the GOP has Super PACS gearing up to fight the Tea Party. Didn’t we see a variation of this plot in a novel long ago written by Mary Shelley?

From Bill Littlejohn ” A boy who weighed in at 14 pounds when he was born at a hospital in Utah appears to be the biggest baby born in the United States so far this year.An inventory of things around his bed in the nursery included a stuffed animal, a rattle, a pacifer, and a letter of introduction from Les Miles”

Jimmy Kimmel suggested that parents play a joke on their kids pretending that they had eaten all the kids’ candy. Hope the 15 seconds of fame with the resulting clips on tv is worth the years of future therapy bills.

Another chance at the #1 pick bites the dust?

November 7, 2011

For many NFL fans, Sunday is a day of frustration. And today the most frustrated fans in the U.S. might reside in Miami. Where the Dolphins’ failure to collapse as usual cost them first place in the Andrew Luck bowl.


Peyton Manning has talked about wanting to come to practice to try to help the Colts, even if he can’t play. At this point Indy may ban him from being anywhere near the field.

Now that Miami has no chance for a “perfect” record, will the 1972 Dolphins celebrate by breaking out some Andre Cold Duck? Or generic beer?

Still can’t quite believe that 9-6 – (in overtime) – LSU Alabama game. Most of the players haven’t seen a score that low since they took their SAT tests.

If we needed any more proof that ESPN has become a wholly owned subsidiary of the SEC (as well as the Yankees), the headlines tonight might remove the doubt – “Alabama falls to #3 after loss to LSU.” As opposed to “Undefeated Stanford still behind one-loss Alabama in BCS poll.”

I know Barack Obama is a Bears fan, but you have to figure he’s developing a soft spot for the Redskins. Because once a week now, Washington residents are screaming at someone besides the President.

So does today’s 38-24 Denver-Oakland game mean that God really loves Tim Tebow? Or that He/She just really doesn’t like the Raiders?

So a thought for all these folks calling for an LSU-Alabama rematch in the National Championship: Teams tend to be more conservative in big bowl games. Which means last night’s tie in regulation might be a 0-0 game in January. So how many overtimes would it for both teams to go to penalty kicks?

San Diego’s Philip Rivers threw 3 interceptions in a 45-38 loss to the Packers today. Well, adding this to last week’s fumble means that Rivers probably won’t make the Pro Bowl but that giving spirit does make Philip the front runner to play Santa Claus at the Chargers’ Christmas party.

(my friend Michael Moroney adds “or the Packers’ party.”)

My son noticed this, and we wonder why ESPN doesn’t seem too concerned about college athletes neglecting academics : GAMEDAY WEEK 11: NOV 12 2011
LIVE FROM PAL ALTO, CA (Guess things like spelling/geography aren’t required for a career in sportscasting.)

“Puss in Boots” remains #1 at the Box Office, thanks to the family audience. Makes sense. Kids love the cats. And moms just close their eyes to listen to and think about Antonio Banderas.

Kris Jenner insists that the public shouldn’t criticize Kris, because they don’t “really know her family.” Dear gawd, you know what that means – more Kardashian “reality” shows.

Well, at least she’s consistently inconsistent: Liz Cheney, saying that the media’s focus on sexual harassment allegations against Herman Cain were “pretty frustrating,” and “this is not the issue that’s going to decide the election.” Of course, Liz recently attacked Bill Clinton’s involvement with the White House because “there’s not exactly an impeccable record of integrity there on the part of the former president.”

Okay, I have no idea exactly what happened between Herman Cain and his accusers back in the 1990s. But I do have to wonder, if it were women who were coming forward to make similar accusations against a young Barack Obama, would all the conservatives claiming “dirty tricks” and “racism” be giving the President the same benefit of the doubt?

Lebron would feel right at home.

October 24, 2011

The Dolphins led 15 to 0 with less than three minutes to play, when Tim Tebow led an improbable comeback and the Broncos won 18-15 in overtime. What is it with Miami teams and fourth quarters?

Although actually Tebow’s rally did give the Broncos their SECOND win of the year. And kept the Dolphins winless. Wonder if Denver GM John Elway will now bench Tebow for hurting the team’s chances in the race to “Suck for Luck.”

Three interceptions from Kyle Boller, three interceptions from Carlson Palmer, and the lowly Kansas City Chiefs destroy the Oakland Raiders 28-0. If Al Davis wasn’t dead this game might have killed him.

Miami collapsed, St. Louis actually made Dallas look good, and Indy, well, they just s*cked. Wonder if Andrew Luck called John Elway for advice on a good hitting or pitching coach?

How do you beat a #25 team by 44 points and drop in the polls? Ask Jeff Sagarin. After Stanford’s 65-21 win over Washington, Sagarin’s computer ranking DROPPED the Cardinal from #15 to #21. (Behind two-loss Arizona State.) No, I’m not making this up.

Theo Epstein took out a full page ad in the Boston Globe, allegedly to thank the Red Sox for “10 Years, Two Championships, Countless Memories, Infinite Thanks.” Presumably he resisted the urge to add “Prior to me, 84 years, Zero Championships, Countless Miseries, Nyah, nyah, nee, nee, nah, hah.”

Meanwhile in Texas, the Rangers won 4-0, a day after getting destroyed 16-7 by the St. Louis Cardinals. Wonder if Nolan Ryan sent a private jet to Colorado to borrow the Rockies’ humidor?

Michele Bachmann is slamming Herman Cain and other GOP candidates for their “flip-flops” on things like abortion and gay marriage. Hmm, does this mean her new campaign slogan is “Consistently Crazy?”

Got to love banks. My husband is travelling for business in Eastern Europe (9 hour time difference), and Wells Fargo’s fraud system went into overdrive when he took out less than $100 cash from an ATM over there. Three “urgent” phone messages this afternoon and evening. Of course, when he tried to call them back during European business hours, they are closed.


Watched Pan Am, sort of, tonight. So wanted to like this show, but the scripts seem to be written as intelligently as most current airlines’ business models.


And don’t we all feel so safe with all the hassles of flying these days…. Alaska Air luggage workers at LAX found a handgun when it fell out of a bag they were loading onto a flight to Portland. The gun at least was unloaded. But a TSA spokesperson said they check carry-ons but firearms in checked bags are “not the agency’s responsibility.” And Alaska said passengers should “self-disclose dangerous goods.”

But they are so good on those water bottles..