Posted tagged ‘Dallas Cowboys jokes’

Not so bright star.

August 11, 2017

Roger Goodell actually suspended Cowboys star for 6 games. Thinking Elliott’s accuser told NFL things she didn’t tell police.

Just think, if Colin Kaepernick had only beaten up his girlfriend he’d be playing for an NFL team by midseason.

Wonder how many fans who will give Ezekiel Elliott standing ovation when he returns think Colin Kaepernick has no place on a football field.

Jaguars rookie RB Leonard Fournette after 1st preseason game – NFL is “a lot slower than I really thought.”   Of course nothing changes in regular season.

 

Red Sox bullpen in the 8th inning gave SF Giants fans PTSD flashbacks to NLDS Game 4.

 

Open note to all #RedSox fans, we #SFGiants fans miss Nunez. But we warned you we don’t miss watching him run the bases.

 

A 106-year-old fruitcake was just discovered in Antarctica. Wonder who it will be given to this Christmas?

Guam is taking advantage of the North Korea publicity to promote themselves as a holiday destination.   All sorts of potential slogans – “Your vacation will be a real blast?”

Starting to seem like most of US foreign policy has now become “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

 

AP reports USA “quietly engaged in back channel diplomacy w/ North Korea for several months.” As in parents saying “Just ignore children?”

“We have many options for Venezuela & I’m not going to rule out a military option.” Did Trump’s mommy not let him play enough shoot-em-up video games as a kid?

Why is it always the chicken hawks who seem thrilled by the idea of war?

Ivanka Trump reportedly opening store in Trump Tower this fall. So how many millions will US taxpayers pay for Secret Service to protect it?

 

Can someone please warn @realDonaldTrump about the upcoming solar eclipse before he thinks it’s an attack and bombs someone?

While they’re doing all those White House renovations, can I suggest changing the locks?

Passing through

January 6, 2015

TMZ reports that Johnny Manziel flipped off hecklers at a Houston club this weekend, and they responded by throwing drinks at him. Then the Cleveland rookie QB presumably tried to throw a drink back… but it was intercepted.

Both the Buckeyes and Ducks are wearing new uniforms for the Championship game next Monday, thanks to Nike. The company is paying Oregon $600,000 in cash and $2.2 million equipment allowance this year. And they are giving Ohio State $1.5 million in cash and $2.5 million in equipment. But heaven forbid a booster buy one of the players dinner.

New Orleans LB linebacker Junior Galette has been arrested on a domestic violence charge. Few details yet, but expect Galette will plead not guilty. After all he’s a Saints defender, they don’t hit anybody.

A unnamed member of the Ferguson grand jury that didn’t indict police officer Darrell Wilson for shooting Michael Brown has filed a lawsuit to remove a lifetime gag order about the case. Translation, someone wants a book deal.

Olivia Newton-John and Grease co-star Didi Conn (Frenchie) reunited for a performance in Las Vegas this week. Only now they were both singing “You might be the One That I Want, if I could remember.”

 

Apparently after Kanye West and Paul McCartney collaborated on a single, some of West’s fans tweeted “Who is Paul McCartney?” Won’t be too many years before music fans will ask “Who is Kanye West?”

Former Giants’ pitcher Stu Miller has died at the age of 87. There will be no pallbearers at his funeral, instead, his casket will just be placed on a mound and blown into the grave.

People will be talking about that pass interference reversal for decades, especially if the Cowboys go further in the playoffs. But whether it was the right call or not, does anyone think there was a snowball’s chance in hell a flag would have been picked up if it were on a Lions defender during Dallas’s last drive?

 
My friend Trevor commented, “Odd, Lions usually have no problem with the Zebras…”
 

Detroit Lions coach Jim Caldwell said the pass interference penalty that was taken away was “hard to swallow.” Agree with him, but also hard to swallow when you choke with a 4th and 1 AND a 10 yard punt.

Chris Christie was shown celebrating yesterday in Jerry Jones’ box. But he missed on a high five with Jones. Either that or the Dallas Cowboys’ owner was just trying to stay out of the way of a offensive lineman sized hit.

Oil has fallen below $50 a barrel. So no doubt the airlines will be lowering fuel surcharges that in some cases are more than the cost of the fare itself. At the same time they start putting pigs on board every flight.

 

Got to give ‪#‎TheBachelor‬ credit. One episode is enough to make many people question why they ever wanted to defend heterosexual marriage.

Jeb Bush said yesterday that gay marriage should be “a state decision.” Right, like driver’s licenses for illegal immigrants, abortion and legalized marijuana

 

Two police officers were shot tonight in the Bronx. But fortunately reports are neither sustained life-threatening injuries. Also fortunately, reports are neither of the suspects is black.

Fools on the hill?

December 30, 2012

My latest suggestion for ending this fiscal cliff mess…. Lock all of Congress in a room, start playing the Beatles’ “Fool on the Hill”, and don’t turn it off or let them out until they get it done.  My sister’s better suggestion,  have them play “It’s a Small World.”   (Although I have to wonder if that’s a violation of the Geneva Convention.)

Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Which means about 20 years from now some young adult probably will look back and wish they were only born to a more conventional and mature mother like Snooki.

Think that somewhere tonight Jessica Simpson is giggling at Dallas Cowboys’ fans?

Before the Sunday night game even starts, the Dallas Cowboys did the seemingly impossible – getting most of America to root for a team owned by Dan Snyder.

Washington D.C.  area Starbucks have been having baristas write “come together” on coffee cups to encourage patrons to urge Congress to figure out a fiscal cliff solution.   Well, that may not happen, but at least D.C. residents on a bipartisan basis can come together to thank Tony Romo.

Hard to keep track of all these bowls featuring mediocre college teams. I forget, which bowl did the NY Jets play in?

A report says that the NY Jets will fire their offensive coordinator. Which shocked many Jets fans. “We HAD an offensive coordinator?”

A bright spot as the holidays wind down and we have to think about getting back to serious work – soon we probably won’t see that Citi commercial where the salesgirl says “Have a super sparkly day.”

The Cleveland Browns are rumored to be seriously pursuing University of Oregon coach Chip Kelly. Wonder if this means the NCAA’s investigation of the Ducks is further along than we thought.

Good news. Winter will be over almost two months early. At least according to Macy’s. The fine print under their “Biggest sale of the season” ad says “refers to our Winter season 11-1-12 to 1-31-13.”

To economize, England’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband Prince Philip took a regularly scheduled train to their estate in Sandringham this Christmas, which the British public and media loved. If President Obama somehow took a regular flight to or from Hawaii he’d be accused of disrupting air travel for average Americans.

When Hideki Matsui retired from baseball last week he said it was because he was no longer able to perform at a top level. Responded the Chicago Cubs “And your point is?”

 

Okay conspiracy theorists, a blood clot is probably beyond even your dreams as a way to avoid testifying. Not always a Hillary Clinton fan but absolutely wishing her well now.

Cowboy down

November 9, 2010

The Dallas Cowboys have fired Wade Phillips. No word on Phillips’ next career move but for now he and the rats leaving with him just plan to swim home.

The Texas Rangers won only one game in five against the San Francisco Giants.  That’s still a better winning percentage than the Dallas Cowboys.

Jerry Jones has now turned to Jason Garrett in his quest to find a coach who can lead Dallas to the Super Bowl. With all due respect, the way the Cowboys have been playing, it would be a stretch to find a coach who could take the team to a BCS bowl.

The Dallas Cowboys are 1-7, the University of Texas Longhorns are 4-5. Okay, who’d a thunk the state’s football reputation might rest on the shoulders of the TCU Horned Frogs?

A Florida woman and her boyfriend have been jailed and charged with trying to sell the woman’s 8-week-old grandson for $30,000. What kind of monster would try to sell a baby. Now a teenager….okay, that would make sense.

Senator Jim Demint said “The Tea Party is responsible for just about every Republican elected around the country.” As well as the election of more than a few Democrats.

Stanford is #6 in the BCS standings and the Raiders are actually in the playoff hunt. which means as of now the 49ers are the third best football team in the Bay Area.

Tim Tebow, who has yet to throw a pass in the NFL, is writing an “inspirational memoir” at the age of 23. 23?!! Now I know what they mean about saying God has a Tim Tebow complex.

 Tiger Woods is getting VIP treatment and a warm welcome in Thailand, where he is playing in a charity golf tournament. Makes sense -remember “The King and I?” That guy had a LOT of concubines.

from my funny friend Neil Berliner:  The Mets have named Paul DePodesta VP in charge of Amateur Scouting. He won’t have to look far on that team to find amateurs!

Auburn quarterback Cam Newton apparently was caught cheating at the University of Florida in 2008 before he transferred to a junior college. Newton allegedly turned in a paper written by another student, and when caught, replaced it with one purchased off the internet.  This is shocking news. Florida football players have classes that require writing papers?

A similar scandal happened a few years ago at Florida State.  Apparently one player turned in an exam book where another student had actually done all the coloring.