Posted tagged ‘the Tonight Show jokes’

Tangled up in blue.

March 25, 2014

Sen. Mitch McConnell’s put out an online campaign video featuring Kentucky horse racing, bluegrass, and basketball. Except the picture was of the 2010 men’s national champions – Duke.. Ah well, geography is another of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

David Cassidy was sentenced to three months of rehab and five years probation for his 2nd DUI in six months and third in less than two years. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really really going to warn you” policy.

 

Malaysian Airlines flight 370 is an awful story. But how many people at this point are really looking forward to the day they find the plane so CNN can go back to their regular coverage of norovirus on cruise ships?

The Baltimore Ravens have had 3 players arrested in a month, Ray Rice for assault, WR Deonte Thompson for possession of marijuana, and OL Jah Reid for misdemeanor battery during a bar fight. On a brighter note, at least none of the arrests were for murder.

A 9 year old Colorado girl who shaved her head, to support a friend who went bald because of cancer treatment,  was temporarily suspended for violating her school’s dress code. Really? Even in Florida the response is “Are you folks nuts?”

Really. The Tea Party is now complaining that the new OFA “Don’t Tread on My Obamacare” bumper sticker is stealing their symbol. Because they had first stole the Gadsden flag fair and square from the American Revolution?

Can’t wait to see who ESPN’s experts predict will win the Sweet Sixteen game between Ohio State and Kansas. Oops, never mind.

 

The NFL is going to start penalizing goal post dunks in 2014. Well, at least this is one problem that won’t be faced by the Oakland Raiders.

 

NY Knicks at LA Lakers Tuesday night on TNT. I’ll take “Games that looked good when they drew up the schedule” for $500, Alex.

Donald Rumsfeld just said “a trained ape” would be better at foreign policy than Obama. One, says who? Two, that’s not a nice way for him to talk about his former boss.

 

The Dodgers have ended the NY Yankees’ 15 year streak of leading MLB in payroll. Now let’s see what kind of a streak L.A. can start of proving money doesn’t buy championships.  (In the 21st century, the Giants have twice as many World Series titles as the Yankees. Just sayin’)

Investigators have decided that the reason behind Paul Walker’s crash was not a mechanical failure, but rather driving 94 MPH on city streets with a 45 MPH limit. Alas once again, the story is, “Too fast, survivors should be furious.”

 

From guest driver on the bus to hell Bill Littlejohn  “Ex-NBA player Quinton Ross was falsely reported dead on what he calls a ‘tough day’.The day could’ve been worse, though–the report could’ve been true”

 

Interesting, Jimmy Fallon just used almost this exact joke below  from yesterday. I know someone at the Tonight Show with Jay Leno used to “borrow” stuff from this blog. If you’re reading this and are from the new Tonight Show, message me. I’ll freelance officially for cheap!

Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

Back to reality…

March 2, 2010

As many Americans on the west coast in particularly made it into work Monday after their regularly schedule time, and told their bosses… “I’m not late, I’m just tape delayed.”


The gold medal hockey game between the U.S. and Canada was the most watched television event in Canada ever. In the U.S. it was the most watched television event, of the week, until the final episode tonight of this season’s “The Bachelor.”


Monday night, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show at 1135p. Of course, most west coast viewers thought it was just the 10pm Jay Leno show being tape delayed.


Apparently Simon Cowell of American Idol is in love and getting married. Really? I wonder what state has passed a law allowing a man to marry himself?


A significant percentage of Americans now get their news from Facebook. Which might explain why a lot of them think that Obama has a farm with several lost lambs at the White House and that Dick Cheney is a master at Mafia Wars.


The Vancouver Health Department says they gave out over 100,000 condoms during the games. Which is a good thing from a health standpoint. On another level, weren’t these athletes exactly the sort of people the world WANTS to meet and reproduce?

Former President Bill Clinton apparently called Tiger Woods recently to pledge his support. Including an offer, if Woods was feeling tempted, to be the caretaker of his rolodex.


A recent physicial showed that Barack Obama is in excellent shape, except for slightly high cholesterol, and his inability to completely give up cigarettes. On the other hand, countless Americans are relieved at the concept of a President who is doing nothing more with tobacco products except smoking them.

Darwin award nominee of the Month – (yes, this is tacky.)

Authorities believe a Washington man was killed, after he escaped injury in a single-car accident, by urinating on power lines the accident had downed. Talk about dying to take a leak.