Posted tagged ‘hurricane jokes’

Rough niht?

August 31, 2019

fiht

And this is the school so many rich people paid big bucks to bribe their children’s way into…?

Meanwhile, Northwestern played Stanford in the Nerd Bowl.  Wonder if officials were ever tempted to say it was 3rd and 3.14159.

If Oregon hadn’t choked away tonight’s matchup with Auburn, SEC would have lost five games in one day…. Just saying.

Baseball in 2019. Minnesota Twins hit six home runs in one game….and LOSE 10-7. If the ball were any more juiced it would be sponsored by Minute Maid.

Lebron James is trying to trademark “Taco Tuesday.”    Because he’s the only one who thought of it?  Other than almost every Mexican food chain and taqueria in the country?  WTF?

Many of us have different choices in next year’s election. Can we all agree that any fundraising email marked “urgent” triggers the “delete” button?

What customs officials originally thought was a “huge drugs bust” at Gatwick Airport in London turned out to be vegan cake mix.

Now, some vegan cakes are criminally bad…but yeah, this did seem like overkill.

The first person shot by today’s mass killer was a police officer during a attempted traffic stop. But tell me again how arming kindergarten teachers will keep our children safe?

 

Guess the optics weren’t good for Trump to spend weekend at Bedminster with Dorian approaching so he sneaked off to golf from Camp David.
Sunday morning will Donald have a moment of silence for Odessa victims on the first tee?

Trump had a meltdown today about “Disgusting and foul mouthed Omarosa.” So why doesn’t he fire the idiot who hired her?
Trump RTs a lot of stuff on Dorian, including a Red Cross tweet praising military spouses who volunteer. This at the same time he denies citizenship to military children born overseas AND deports military spouses. He has no shame. There is no bottom.

Actually keeping score?

August 29, 2019

Ok. I get that some people think I’m a little obsessed to be stressed about Democratic Presidential primaries this early. And yet there are folks who are seriously stressed about the scores of week 4 pre-season NFL football.

With back-to-back home runs today, Minnesota Twins broke the major league record season for most home runs on the road. which was 138. And there’s a full month left in the season.
But sure, Barry Bonds is the one whose home run total should have an asterisk…

At least for remainder of season can 2019 SF Giants officially retire the term “home field advantage?

Two weeks after Chris Davis had a dugout confrontation with manager Brandon Hyde, Orioles reliever Richard Bleier and 3rd-base coach Jose David Flores also ended up in a public shouting match in the dugout.
Baltimore fans just wish the team would show that much energy on the field.

Alex Trebek is back at work taping the new season of “Jeopardy!,” five months after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

“What is really good news?”

 

Travel rant.  Austrian Airlines and Lufthansa are offering a scheduled LEGAL connection between a Vienna to Frankfurt flight and a Frankfurt to San Francisco flight that is 45 minutes!?!
So will transfer assistance be provided by flying pig?

The latest wannabe mass shooter at High Point University told police he was trying to get into a fraternity and that “if his roommate got into a fraternity and he didn’t, he had a plan to kill his roommate and himself.”
But no, we don’t have an epidemic of white male privilege.

 

Interesting timing. Trump wants G7 at Mar-a-Lago and mean bitch Karma along with Mother Nature remind him. “Dude, it’s hurricane season.”

 

Well, since most bugs can’t swim Hurricane Dorian might take care of the Doral bed bug problem.

Trump today canceled his trip to Poland.   Guess it’s just as well Trump had already canceled Danish part of European trip. Does anyone think Mother Pence would have let Mike have dinner with the very attractive Danish Prime Minister?

 

 

Does anyone think Trump would have canceled his trip if he were scheduled to go to Buckingham Palace? Or to one of his rallies?  Or to one of his golf resorts?

Slower than a speeding bullet

August 27, 2019

Submarine pitcher Tyler Rogers made his major league debut at Oracle Park Tuesday night, pitching a 1-2-3 inning with most pitches in the 70s (MPH)   So who needs a 95 MPH fastball.

submarine

Rob Gronkowski “Football was bringing me down.”
So does this make him an honorary Redskins fan?

Fox Sports reporting that an unnamed NFL team reached out to Carli Lloyd with an offer to play in a preseason game this week.
Not sure if Carli will play in a real game, but guessing she won’t double-doink the ball off the crossbars

Love it. Young 20-somethings on train who work for some big company near Palo Alto are complaining about their employer and whining that bosses act like their parents. Uh…

Your reminder that Senator Tom Cotton, who is pushing so hard to buy Greenland, voted AGAINST hurricane relief for Puerto Rico.

 

William Barr is planning a $30,000 private holiday party at the Trump hotel in DC.  Now, I know many Americans may not understand the details of the emoluments clause. But you would think the US attorney would.

New Orleans is the most liberal part of Louisiana. So you just KNOW if Katrina happened on Trump’s watch he’d have complained about sending them money too.

Trump now whining about Puerto Rico and $$$ “Wow! Yet another big storm heading to Puerto Rico. Will it ever end?”

Has anyone told him Greenland is an island too?

After Trump’s heartless “will it ever end” tweet about Dorian approaching Puerto Rico, a new model shows center of storm could end up near West Palm Beach.
Is it possible mean bitch karma and Mother Nature are looking together at a map showing Mar-A-Lago?

Trump tweet also refers to his failing Trump Doral National MIAMI resort as “perfectly located (for the next G-7).”
“Perfectly located?” For a summer meeting? Heck, Donald doesn’t even go to his beloved Mar-A-Lago in summer.

And finally look, been in the travel industry for decades. If a hotel has a major PR disaster the way to get past it is apologize profusely, offer to make it up to guests affected, and say what you are doing or have done to fix the problem. Whether it’s a racist staff member, something like Legionnaire’s disease, or bedbugs,
What you do NOT do is deny the problem ever happened and accuse your accusers. #CantFixStupid
#TrumpBedBugs

Deflated balls?

August 26, 2019

A Harvard study found that former American football players who suffered concussions are more likely to develop low testosterone levels and erectile dysfunction in later life.  Forget CTE, this might be what finally kills pro football.

After Houston talk show host Rick Kamla yesterday called Andrew Luck, who went to high school in the area, a “quitter” and a “joke” in a tweet, today he apologized and said he used a “terrible choice of words.”
Translation, Luck retired, I don’t want to be fired.

Anyone but me not only a sports fan but also REALLY don’t care about Antonio Brown and his helmet?

Chiefs sign Matt Moore, who retired after 2017 season, as a backup QB after Chad Henne broke his ankle.
Now, I’ve never been a huge Kaepernick fan, especially since he says it’s not worth voting, but who’s going to get signed next before him? Brett Favre, Tim Tebow?

This Sunday there were three malls, including the Great Mall in Milpitas, California, with shooting scares.  But aside from how terrifying these episodes are, how long until millions of Americans just decide they feel safer only doing online shopping? As if retail isn’t hurting enough.

Former Maricopa county Sheriff Joe Arpaio was convicted for criminal contempt of court over a racial profiling case and pardoned by Trump in 2017. How he’s running again for Sheriff in 2020.
Even Mississippi and Florida are going “How nuts does he think Arizona voters are?”

Trump this morning claimed Melania has “gotten to know” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. So another useless lie? Or is he confusing Melania and Ivanka. #WishfulThinking

Trump today, claiming he’s an “environmentalist. “I want clean air. I want clean water. “I want a wealthy country. I want a spectacular country, with jobs, with pensions…and that’s what we’re getting.”
Yeah, when I was about five I wanted a flying pony.

Can anyone imagine how apoplectic GOP would have been if Obama even proposed having G7 in Hawaii because it was close to where he grew up? Let alone at a place he owned.

Another thought about 2020 G7. They are held generally in the summer. Having graduated from Lake Brantley High school near Orlando, outdoors in early June, I can attest that even at 7a no human being wants to be in Florida that time of year

So Trump feels the need to deny that he asked about nuking hurricanes but not that he says windmills cause cancer?

Sometimes got to give?

September 18, 2017

Real shame the  NY Giants don’t play NY Jets this year. That way at least one team would be assured of a win.

Even Rutgers is thinking “These New Jersey football teams are BAD.

ESPN reports Cowboys coach to meet w/ Ezekiel Elliott over lack of effort Sunday. In Dallas this could be serious, unlike hitting a woman.

Okay, with the NY Giants  on board,  #49ers & Bengals only remaining NFL teams who haven’t scored a touchdown. Any guesses who’ll be last?

Chargers couldn’t even sell out 27,000 seat StubHub Center for 1st home game in L.A. Oakland Raiders fans thinking “It’s not too late.”

Chargers reportedly sticking w/ struggling kicker Younghoe Koo. Based on attendance there’s not too much pressure yet – no one is watching.
Auburn dismissed backup QB Sean White after he was arrested Sunday morning on charge of public intoxication. Silly man, if you are going to be an SEC player who gets arrested you better be a starter.
Just a piece of advice, an online ad with “Makeup tips for older women” not going to get a lot of clicks. Most women think “older” is 10 years older than ME.

Arizona man hospitalized after he tried to show off for his friends by BBQing a rattlesnake, and the snake bit him. Your move, Florida.

Polls in Germany show Merkel’s Christian Democratic Union party increasingly popular, in part due to an anti-Trump backlash. MAGA- Make Angela Great Again?
This GOP Obamacare repeal is a really shitty remake of Groundhog Day.
 –
Anyone in  Senate who votes for #GrahamCassidy should have to immediately get their own health insurance under its provisions. Period.
If @HillaryClinton had showed up for a cameo at  Emmy would some of these people telling her to go away have embraced her? #SeanSpicer
Obama just reportedly got $400,000 for Wall Street speech. If someone tells Trump maybe he’ll resign to make big $$$ as ex-President?
 –

So has anyone told @realDonaldTrump that Puerto Ricans are Americans? #Maria

Apparently post-Harvey & Irma weren’t right time to talk about Climate Change, how many hurricanes do we have to have before it is? #Jose

Trump says he was wiretapped. He wasn’t. But Manafort was. And I’m sure there’s nothing they discussed he’s worried about….

 

You know, if Trump was actually SERIOUS about putting Americans first and helping working class people, he’d look for businesses that traditionally hire immigrants, legal and illegal, for lower wages, and try to persuade them to offer higher living wages only to workers born in the US.
If only he knew anyone in the hotel business.

No mound exit.

October 6, 2016

You do have to wonder how many shut out innings Madison Bumgarner was planning on pitching last night #SFGiants

Although, as the legend grows, Bumgarner reportedly to Gillaspie after 3-run home run top of 9th ” Conor, I appreciate the hell out of that.” #SFGiants

 

Nice tweet today   “Baseball has a way of ripping your ❤️ out, stabbing it, putting it back in your chest, then healing itself just in time for Spring Training.”

The tweeter?   Noah Syndergaard.

So are the ALDS teams even playing the same sport as the #Mets & #SFGiants played last night? #TORvsTEX #BOSvsCLE #notexactlypitchersduels

President Obama’s approval rating is up to 55%, the highest in his second term. No doubt because the longer this election season goes on, the more many Americans have decided they don’t want him to leave.

 

Waiting for #Trump to say if he were President he’d have a beautiful wall to protect USA from #HurricaneMatthew & Mexico would pay for it.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott, reiterating an evacuation call for the state: ‘Do not surf. Do not go on the beach. This will kill you.”
He could also add “Beachgoers and surfers will automatically qualify for a Darwin award.”

Apparently a number of people are planning to stay put and try to ride #HurricaneMatthew out. On the brighter side for humanity, not only are they probable Darwin winners, these folks probably won’t be around to vote. #cantfixstupid

Although it’s from October 30, 2012, this tweet is real, from Donald Trump “Hurricane is good luck for Obama again- he will buy the election by handing out billions of dollars.”
#nocomment

Rush Limbaugh said this week of Hurricane Matthew predictions that the National Weather service, which is “part of the Obama administration.. might be playing games because it’s in the interests of the left to have destructive hurricanes because then they can blame it on climate change, which they can continue desperately continue trying to sell.”
#Wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket

Who says he doesn’t care about average Americans? Donald Trump at a rally today:. “I don’t care how sick you are. I don’t care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it’s over, you won’t be around in two weeks. Doesn’t matter. Hang out till November 8th. Get out and vote.”

Ok, for those who didn’t think #HurricaneMatthew was serious. The #SEC has actually cancelled the LSU Florida football game.

 

During a parliamentary debate in Noraway, Prime Minister Erna Solberg was reportedly seen on camera using her phone to play Pokemon Go. Well, it’s at least as productive as trying to repeal Obamacare for the 57th time.

Parent trap.

August 27, 2014

In July,  a South Carolina working  mother of a 9 year old girl was arrested for letting her daughter go to the park alone, with a cellphone, during daylight hours.   The mom was booked for “unlawful conduct towards a child. ” Anyone but me having a problem with the fact that she was charged with a crime, but we have no rules for parents who figure it’s okay to let their daughter of the same age learn to shoot an submachine gun?

 

The story of the 9 year old girl who lost control of an Uzi and fatally shot her instructor at a shooting range outside Las Vegas has gone national. Millions of Americans are appalled. But wonder how many are thinking well, they should have started her with guns younger…

 

A new survey of NFL players found that 75% said they agree with President Obama’s statement that he does not think marijuana is more dangerous than alcohol. And presumably the other 25% responded “Dude, what was that question again?”

 

 

Hurricane Cristobal and Tropical Storm Marie are creating huge waves and high surf on both coasts. Is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under for Darwin Awards?

 

Josh Shaw admitted today that he made up the story about spraining his ankles while rescuing his nephew from drowning. USC suspended him indefinitely – translation “at least the first half of the Fresno State game.” And wonder how long it will take Shaw to attempt to use the story for credit in a Creative Writing course?

Rumors are flying that USC CB Josh Shaw actually broke his ankles in an altercation with his girlfriend, but his attorney insists “There is absolutely NO domestic violence.” And why should we doubt anything Shaw says?

Mark your calendars. September 6, USC plays Stanford, in Palo Alto. Forget the game. The half time show should be memorable. Wonder how many members of the band will show up on crutches.

Parents are suing a Texas day care for allegedly duct taping their fidgety toddlers to nap mats. Millions of Americans read this story and are appalled. But wonder how many others are thinking “could that be arranged with airline seats?”

Police near Houston are looking for a man who abandoned a cellphone with a selfie on it at a 4-acre marijuana farm they recently raided.   Doesn’t do much to dispel that marijuana and short term memory issue….

Apparently there’s a glitch in Madden 15 that makes players fly around the field like they have stepped on a land mine or something. Let’s hope this isn’t a trial balloon for the NFL trying to increase viewship numbers.

 

ESPN now regrets’ the SportsCenter report Michael Sam that focused on shower habits. More like they regret finding out that most Americans are considerably more mature on the subject than the network is….

 

The NFL upheld Josh Gordon’s year-long suspension for using marijuana and violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. So the message is clear to young men, if you get stressed, put down the joint and take it out on your girlfriend.

A man has lost his $34,000 suit against British Airways after he and his partner were flown to Grenada in the Caribbean instead of Granada in Spain. He claims he asked the airline for the correct city and didn’t notice the mistake until he was on the connecting flight from London. Uh, and he didn’t notice the flight time as several hours from England to what he thought would be Spain? #cantfixstupid

 

 

There she blows….

August 28, 2011

Hurricane Irene has brought more quiet and dread to New York than Phil Hughes coming in to pitch for the Yankees.

James Carville said in a post for CNN.com that there is some “weather-related” Darwinism with hurricanes. What he meant is that the weaker trees are blown down while the stronger trees survive. Of course, this Darwinism also applies to those people who ignore evacuation orders.


FEMA announced Saturday they are completely prepared and ready to assist with earthquake relief on the East Coast.


Hurricane Irene has already been blamed for massive and potentially long-term power losses in the East. SF Giants fans are wondering, did we miss a hurricane at A T and T Park earlier this year?

Many were worried after last week’s shootings and violence during the Raiders-49ers game at Candlestick Park. But fortunately, aided by a large police presence, there were no serious incidents at Saturday night’s game.

On the other hand, unfortunately the S.F. Police Department had much better results than the 49ers.

Alex Smith tonight for SF 49ers. 2 for 6 for 17 yards. 13 yards lost on sacks. Let the Andrew Luck chase begin.


From my friend Nick Coombs, a transplanted Californian now living in Madison: “On behalf of everyone in Wisconsin… I’d like to thank the 49ers for passing on Aaron Rodgers for Alex Smith.”


As scary as it sounds with both teams playing against opponents from Houston the SF Giants offense (2 runs in ten innings) outscored the SF 49ers offense tonight. (SF’s only points – a touchdown scored on interception.)


Sometimes a headline enough is enough to declare another Darwin award winner. As in this one about a Hurricane Irene death – “Huge waves kill surfer in Florida.”

Botox has now been approved to treat urinary incontinence. Wonder how? Maybe by making your face so rigid you can’t open your mouth to drink much liquid?


A positive NBA story for a change. During the lockout, the Warriors’ Stephen Curry is finishing up his undergraduate degree at Davidson. Curry is enrolled full-time this fall and is working on his senior thesis. Many of his fellow NBA players are wondering “What’s a senior thesis?” Others just wonder, “What’s a degree?”


And a non-positive “bus to hell” thought from T.C. “Former Washington Wizards player, Javaris Crittenton, who made headlines last year by bringing in a gun into a locker room, has been charged with murder. The woman he allegedly gunned down on an Atlanta street was not even his intended target.

His shooting percentage on the street isn’t any better than it was with the Wizards.”

After shocked.

August 25, 2011

Some GOP candidates do indeed plan to blame Tuesday’s earthquake on President Obama, but first they have to figure out how to credit the fall of Gadhafi to George W. Bush.

From Marc Ragovin: So the NY Metro region was hit by a 5.9 magnitude earthquake the other day. Either that or Rex Ryan carried out his threat to put his foot down during training camp.

Meanwhile, looking like Hurricane Irene may be the biggest wind to hit Washington since Joe Biden was sworn in as V.P.

Actually considering Joe Biden is the vice president, some may really go after President Obama about Irene. Because surely he could have deployed Biden to blow hard against the storm.

The latest from Texas Gov. Rick Perry. “Bush did an incredible job, during his presidency, defending us from freedom.” So much for all those who say I never agree with anything Perry says.


Jeb Bush, on being conservative – It is “not necessarily a bad thing. But if you are a conservative, you have to persuade. You have to defend a position. You can’t just be against the president.” Responded most of the GOP field – “Wanna bet?”


During the NBA lockout, Blake Griffin will intern at Will Ferrell’s “Funny or Die.”
Well, if anyone should be experienced with punchlines, it’s a member of the Clippers.

Waiting for the first Tea Party candidate or elected official to stand up and say that they think it would wrong to ask the Federal Government for money after Irene hits.

Old Navy has a new college football line of t-shirts with 70 universities, using their college colors. The shirts are supposed to say “Let’s Go” – and then the school name or nickname. Except that they say “Lets Go.” No apostrophe. This is what comes of hiring SEC graduates.

(anyone who likes the above joke please feel free to substitute their rival university for the graduates punchline.)

A bipartisan joke inspired by my friend Scott Brady. Matt Holliday of the St. Louis Cardinals had a moth fly into his ear during a game and had to have the insect removed with a tweezer. Surprised in some ways this doesn’t happen to more politicans, who spend so much time making speeches outside. Although maybe it’s because the moths fly in one ear and out the other.


This next may only make sense to readers who have been in Philly:

Joey Vento, the owner of Geno’s Cheesesteak’s in Philadelphia, died Tuesday of a massive heart attack at the age of 71. To accommodate all the mourners, funeral guests will have their choice of three brief ceremonies, which will be labeled “Wiz,” “American”, and “Provolone.”


Actually one thing that may keep the crowds down at Vento’s funeral. Young people may not really know who he was. And older folks who ate his cheesesteaks regularly probably didn’t outlive him.

Millions of American women were thrilled to hear winery owner Ben Flajnik will be the next Bachelor. Millions of American men were surprised to find out there is something they care less about than the latest Kardashian wedding.


The Colts have talked Kerry Collins out of retirement to sign as a backup to injured QB Peyton Manning. “What am I, chopped liver?” responded Brett Favre.


Finally, on a serious note, former Orioles pitcher and GM Mike Flanagan, 59, was found dead Tuesday night. Initial reports indicate it was a suicide, and that Flanagan was despondent over the Orioles performance and his perceived role in their failures.

I love to joke about sports, but hey, it’s a game. And this story may be a sad reminder that the whole point is that it’s supposed to be a diversion from taking life too seriously.