Posted tagged ‘Westboro Baptist jokes’

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Standing your wall?

June 17, 2016
Blue Jays’ slugger Jose Bautista is on the DL after a collision with the wall today. Wonder if the wall says Bautista flipped his bat at it?

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How many other ‪#‎MLB‬ announcers would refer to weather conditions inside the ‪#‎Rays‬ Tropicana Dome as “sublime?”. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎JonMiller

 

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After last night forget the Warriors and Cavs; Many Americans would like to see a match between Gisele Bundchen and Ayesha Curry. ‪#‎standbyyourman‬

 

The Oakland Police Department has lost its third chief in nine days (all through firings or forced resignations.). Wow. The Bay Area may have finally found a job that makes being coach of the SF 49ers look secure by comparison.

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Oops. While performing in Canada last night, Justin Bieber disappeared from stage when he fell through a trap door. Even worse, he came back.

The Westboro Baptist Church is planning to picket some of the funerals of Orlando shooting victims. Can’t someone tell ISIL that the WBC church is decorated with pictures of Mohammad?

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Suggestion from a friend, while the Westboro Baptist Church is in Orlando picketing funerals, maybe they can do some baptisms in Disney lagoons. ‪#‎bustohell‬.

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Wells Fargo, UPS, Motorola, JPMorgan Chase, Ford and Walgreens have all opted out of sponsoring the GOP convention. Maybe because Donald Trump is over-the-top even for some corporations, or maybe because they figure they’ll get more good free publicity for opting out than they would paid publicity for staying in.

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Vladimir Putin was asked by CNN about his reportedly calling Donald Trump “brilliant,” “outstanding” and “talented.” Putin responded “I only said he was a bright person. Isn’t he bright?”
Next expect the Russian leader to claim he only meant the the furry thing that lives on Trump’s head is bright and shiny.

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Microsoft is adding Kind Financial, a cannabis-focused data management company onto its specialized Azure cloud platform. Makes sense. the more marijuana people smoke or otherwise imbibe, the mellower they will be about Microsoft’s computer issues.

 

Donald Trump, on the ‪#‎Orlando‬ killings, if “one of the people in that room happened to have (a gun) and goes boom. You know what, that would have been a beautiful, beautiful sight, folks.”
Uh, except that the club had armed security, and the guard’s gun DID go “boom” and it didn’t matter.
So the Donald is proposing that people should all be armed with at least semi-automatic weapons?

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Finally.

 

Reasonable gun control will not stop reasonable people from having reasonable guns. That is all.

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Thirty seven years…..

June 6, 2015

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Not sure what’s harder to believe, 37 years since the last Triple Crown.  Or how old I’ll be if it’s 37 years until the next one.

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Millions of course for this win for the owner, trainer and jockey. For American Pharoah… .all the mares he wants.  A lot of men are thinking, not a bad deal.

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As if spelling in the US wasn’t bad enough, millions of children will grow up never learning how to spell Pharaoh. ‪#‎AmericanPharoah‬

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Wonder how many superstitious horse owners will now deliberately try to misspell their horse’s names.

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Two women who work as costumed characters in Times Square were arrested Thursday, after “Minnie Mouse” got into a brawl with “Hello Kitty.” And how many children in the area are headed for a lifetime of therapy?

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Wow. A Fantasy Football Convention scheduled for Las Vegas was cancelled after the NFL objected, saying it violated the league’s rules about players being associated with gambling. There’s gambling around the NFL?? I’m shocked, shocked.

(Actually I’m more shocked the NFL could say this with a straight face.)

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The Westboro Baptist Church picketed Beau Biden’s funeral. Can we just tell all ISIS sympathizers that the WBC likes to draw Mohammad too? ‪#‎bipartisanbustohell‬.

A man was arrested today for allegedly throwing coffee at Westboro Baptist Church members who were picketing Beau Biden’s funeral. What!? Wasn’t the coffee hot enough?

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Apparently there was a rule in Louisville started in the late 18th century for town meetings – all business must be concluded before drinking could begin. Hmm, might be a good rule to apply to the U.S. Congress.

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The Duggars are now blaming the “media frenzy” as being “a thousand times worse” than their brother Josh’s abuse. Now, I feel sorry for the girls, and have no doubt this isn’t any fun for them now at all….but isn’t their family’s whole livelihood dependent on the media in the first place? ‪#‎LivebytheRealityShowDiebytheRealityShow‬

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A Delta Air Lines flight from Green Bay to Minneapolis made an emergency landing back in Green Bay after an engine was damaged by an apparent bird strike during takeoff. Delta says there were no injuries. The bird would disagree.

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There’s corruption at FIFA, I’m shocked, shocked…

May 28, 2015

The U.S. case against FIFA apparently involves bribes “totaling more than $100 million” linked to commercial deals dating back to the 1990s for soccer tournaments in the United States and Latin America. $100 million is a lot of money to affect competition. Of course, for comparison ESPN is paying $470 million a year for the college football playoffs….

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FIFA President Sepp Blatter on the arrests “Let me be clear: such misconduct has no place in football and we will ensure that those who engage in it are put out of the game.” So is Blatter resigning?

 

Have to share this from Ryan Duca. “Breaking news. Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.”

 

 

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are 10-2 since their right fielder has returned to the lineup field. Let’s hope MLB doesn’t classify Hunter Pence as a PED.

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The team with the highest batting average in the National League is…. the SF Giants?! ‪#‎whoaretheseguys‬

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ESPN reports NY Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard “is the 4th pitcher in the last 50 years to throw 7 scoreless innings in a game, while collecting 3 hits, including a HR.” Is this throwing down the gauntlet to Madison Bumgarner?

 

 

The worst division in MLB is unquestionably now the AL East, with even the division  leading Yankees at .532, no better than 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th place in most other divisions, and no one else over .500. But the division does have 3 of the top 10 ten payrolls in baseball. (NY, Boston,Toronto.)  #moneycantbuyhappiness  #orwins

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If the Warriors clinch tonight it will be seven days between the end of the Conference Finals and the beginning of the NBA Finals, the longest layoff ever. Well, I guess the league doesn’t want to give up on the moniker “The Boys of Summer.”

 

Wow. Just wow. Less than 48 hours after he was cut by the Chicago Bears for a third arrest, which he denied was his fault, Ray McDonald was arrested tonight by the Santa Clara Police for violating a restraining order. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

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An Australian man made the news for spending $37K on a birthday party at a private estate for their daughter. The girl just turned 3. Well, if dad has that kind of money, presumably he can set aside as much or more for future therapy.

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Marco Rubio says of the push to legalize same-sex marriage that “we’ve reached the point in our society where if you do not support same-sex marriage you are labeled a homophobe and a hater.”,… After they are done going after individuals, the next step is to argue that the teachings of mainstream Christianity, the catechism of the Catholic Church is hate speech. And there’s a real and present danger.”

Thinking a bigger “real and present danger” to Christianity these days is people like Marco Rubio…

 

No NBA games to watch now for about a week. And a large number of Americans are going “no what?”

 

Rand Paul today, on GOP Hawks. “ISIS exists and grew stronger because of the hawks in our party who gave arms indiscriminately. And most of those arms were snatched up by ISIS. … Everything that they have talked about in foreign policy, they have been wrong about for 20 years, and yet they have somehow the gall to keep saying and pointing fingers otherwise.” Well, not sure what job Paul is really angling for, but it sure doesn’t appear to be the Republican VP nominee.

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Johnny Come Lately

August 17, 2014

Cleveland Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel said he was late for a team meeting last week because he misread a change in the schedule. Good thing Manziel doesn’t have to read anything complicated for his job, like a playbook.

 

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Der Spiegel, a German magazine is reporting that Germany’s foreign intelligence agency eavesdropped on calls by John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. At this point does anyone think we’re not all spying on each other?

 

Westboro Baptist Church is apparently planning a protest outside Robin Williams’ funeral. Where is Kiss’s Gene Simmons when you really need him?

 

 

Rumors are that Beyonce and Jay Z are heading toward divorce. What’s really scary? More Americans are better informed on this possible split than they are about things like Ebola and ISIS/ISIL.

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So it’s “news” that Jessa Duggar is engaged. She’s a “star” on “19 and counting.” Wonder if Andy Warhol figured that someday you’d get more than 15 minutes because your parents decided to have a litter

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A pregnant Texas woman was focused on registering her son for pre-kindergarten that she ended up delivering her fourth child at the school. Wonder if she pre-registered the new baby while she was at it?

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The worst thing about Texas Governor #RickPerry being indicted: Molly Ivins isn’t still alive to write about it.

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A 16 year old Virginia girl is in stable condition after being shot by her father, a sheriff’s deputy who mistook her for an intruder. So how do you stop a good guy with a gun?

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Coach Brian Kelly expressed “shock” and disappointment” over the Notre Dame football academic scandal. Shock and disappointment over the cheating, or the getting caught?

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From Stewart Mandel’s column on the academic suspensions at Notre Dame – “the investigation is still unfolding and could prove much uglier….The school felt compelled to notify the NCAA and has already acknowledged the possibility of having to vacate wins from previous seasons.” So could Stanford end up finally winning that 2012 game where Stepfan Taylor should have had a TD?

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The Detroit Tigers gave away 10,000 Miguel Cabrera bobbleheads last night. Which celebrated him as the NL MVP. Well, at least the bobblehead didn’t refer to him as Melky Cabrera….

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Going home.

March 20, 2014

Harvard and Cincinnati now have one thing in common. Neither of their men’s basketball teams will be attending class Friday.

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After #Marchmadness day 1 millions are rethinking their retirement plan from winning the #bracket challenge to winning #MegaMillions

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15 missed free throws by NC State in the second half.  Even though they lost, the Wolfpack can probably expect a postgame phone call from Shaquille O’Neal.

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Nate Silver had #OhioState into the Sweet Sixteen. Guess he should stick to something easy, like politics. #MarchMadness #Dayton

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Considering how much time and energy many Americans spend on their brackets have to wonder if there’s a way to turn elections into a betting game – “November Madness?”

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Manhattan-Louisville. For millions of Americans its was the struggle between the thrill of watching a potential Cinderella and the agony of potentially destroying your brackets on opening night.

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Although, before the tournament started, Louisville coach Rick Pitino was whining about unfairness, as his #4 Cardinals are matched up against the #13 Manhattan Jaspers, who are coached in a similar style by former Pitino assistant Steve Masiello. Here’s a hint Rick, if you can’t beat ANY #13 seed, maybe you don’t want to be going up in later rounds against Duke, Michigan or Wichita State.

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The government of Peru has pleaded with tourists to stop streaking at Machu Picchu. Wonder how many will now stop? And how many will now get the idea?

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At a speech at Valencia College in Orlando, President Obama gave a speech saying that helping families includes “making sure every woman gets a fair shot.” Did he really want to use the “fair shot” metaphor in Florida?

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Singapore’s New Straits Times says that Malaysian officials believe Australia and the U.S. may be withholding data that could aid the search for the missing plane. So, yep, it took a while, but it’s now Obama’s fault.

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Unclear on the concept? A N.J. man apparently tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide, by shooting himself at a hospital emergency room.

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Rand Paul, speaking at Berkeley, said the GOP “needs to either evolve, adapt or die. Remember when Domino’s Pizza finally admitted they had bad crust? Think Republican Party. Admit it; bad crust.” And Chris Christie responded “Did somebody say pizza?”

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The Washington Post says that Malaysian Air chose not to buy an upgraded “Swift” system (which costs about $10 per flight)— that would have sent data about MH flight 370’s trajectory and position even with the transponder off. Upon hearing this most major U.S. airlines, which use the system, immediately added a “tracking fee.”

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So twisted readers, listening to our better angels, we shouldn’t picket Fred Phelps Sr’s funeral. But listening to our fun angels, if you did picket, what sign would you bring?

My friend Mark suggests “The devil wants his picket signs back.”  Geoff suggests “God hates figs.”

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