Posted tagged ‘Passover jokes’

Let my people whine…

April 25, 2016

Just thinking, if Moses tried to lead his people out of Egypt today how many would have had to be left behind bitching about food allergies?

Happy 40th Birthday to Tim Duncan. If the Spurs manage to win him one more ring, San Antonio will have the first NBA championship parade to do the entire route with their left blinkers on.

 

Mark Cuban today before game 5 made a comment that Kevin Duran was the “one superstar” on the OKC Thunder, but that Russell Westbrook was ” an All-Star but not a superstar.”
Yeah, that worked out well.

Grade 1 sprain for Steph Curry. Which means that millions of Warriors fans are suddenly going to become amateur knee doctors for the next few weeks.

 

 

ESPN reports that the NFL says no player tested positive for drugs during February’s scouting combine. Meaning either that this year’s draft class is clean, or that they were smart enough not to do anything until AFTER the combine.

Yeah, professional athletes aren’t quite like the rest of us. Sunday’s “Style” section of the SF Chronicle focused on “FashionWarriors,” Golden State players and their post game looks. Andre Iguodola looked sharp in a sweater pants combination with some expensive jewelry but noted “it’s just an old Gucci sweater, a couple of seasons at least.”

Panthers RB Cameron Artis-Payne was reportedly arrested for driving 102 in a 65 mph zone in rural North Carolina. Hmm, with that kind of speed maybe Artis-Payne should consider a career change to NASCAR..

A federal appeals court has ruled in favor of the NFL in the “deflategate” case, and reinstated New England Patriots Tom Brady’s original suspension. Your tax dollars at work.

Donald Trump is now referring to Ohio’s governor as “1 for 38 Kasich,” based on the 1 state Kasich won. Maybe the Donald isn’t really running for President – he’s trying to be “Triumph, the Insult Dog.”

 

Megyn Kelly has announced that Donald Trump has agreed to sit down with her for an interview to air next month. Proving once again, that we CAN all get along – especially when rating$$$$$ are involved.

Another thought on this bathroom craziness. The talk is mostly of men in women’s rooms. But leaving aside the fact that it isn’t always obvious, do all these alarmists want, for example, a big burly transgender with facial hair who was born female forced to use the ladies’ room?

 

Karma in mean bitch mode again. Some users want to sue Ashley Madison for revealing their personal information. Except a judge has ruled that to go forward with the lawsuit, they must reveal their real names.

Sam Bradford has now demanded a trade because he figures the Eagles will draft a better QB. Hmm, sounds like the guy might be a perfect fit for the 49ers.

Why is this day and night different?

April 22, 2016

#‎HappyPassover‬. You know you’re in California when a woman in checkout line is whining about not being able to find gluten-free Matzoh.

 

Toronto Blue Jays Chris Colabello has been suspended 80 games for PED’s. Uh, considering Colabello was batting .069 this year, it’s hard to see how his performance was enhanced.

 

 

In Tennessee, the wife of a high school football coach has been arrested for allegedly sleeping with an underage player. Hmm, did she aspire to be a teacher?

Commissioner Adam Silver said that a “change in the law” would be necessary for the NBA to keep the 2017 All-Star game in North Carolina. Just wondering, leaving the advertising $$$ out of it, wonder if another factor was players and celebrities not exactly clamoring to spend All-Star week in Charlotte.

 

Amazing, almost two days of nonstop coverage of the death of ‪#‎Prince‬, and no one has yet blamed it on Obama.

 

When President Obama and Michelle met the Queen and Prince Phillip at Windsor Castle, Philip drove the foursome 400 yards from the helicopter landing pad to the castle itself. Presumably the whole way with his left blinker on?

 

A Palm Beach zoo is defending itself against some who say they should have fatally shot the tiger who killed a zookeeper instead of tranquilizing it. But come on, the tiger was just standing its ground.

McDonald’s sales are way up this year after the introduction of all-day breakfast. And I’m sure it’s just coincidence that this coincides with some states legalizing marijuana.

Who says I never say anything nice about a Dodger? Brandon McCarthy has been in a Twitter argument with Curt Schilling over the bathroom issue, pointing out “What is stopping any pervert from already going into a bathroom not designated for them and doing what they want? Nothing,” And “Curt we’re talking about human beings with emotions and a desire to be accepted in normal society. Lumping them in w/ molesters and abusers is offensive to not only them but to a reasonable argument.” ‪#‎wellplayed‬

 

So while Curt Schilling is going off on the danger of transgenders in women’s bathrooms has he forgotten that the highest profile sports-related (alleged) bathroom sexual assault upon a woman involved Ben Roethlisberger?

Meanwhile, across the pond, the British Foreign Office is warning gay travelers about the U.S., and “legislation passed recently in North Carolina and Mississippi” “Before traveling please read our general travel advice for the LGBT community. You can find more detail on LGBT issues in the U.S. on the website of the Human Rights Campaign.” ‪#‎GodBlessMurica‬ ‪#‎sigh‬

 

London Mayor Boris Johnson has gone after President Obama again after Obama wrote an op-ed in the U.K. Telegraph supporting Britain staying in the EU, saying the “part-Kenyan” President had an “ancestral dislike of the British Empire.”
Hmm, maybe Johnson doesn’t want to be Prime Minister, maybe Boris wants to come over here and work for Donald Trump.

 

Donald Trump’s campaign manager to the RNC “The part that he’s been playing is evolving into the part that now you’ve been expecting, but he wasn’t ready for, because he had first to complete the first phase…”
Right, the “part he’s been playing,” okay, and then the Donald will be out on the campaign trail accusing Hillary of being dishonest.

Yuck, an asymptomatic pregnant woman in San Francisco who had been to Central America has tested positive for the Zika virus. Now, I would never presume to make this choice for her, but if she chooses to carry the pregnancy to term will the pro-birth crowd be okay with indefinite government funding if the baby is born with microcephaly?

How embarrassing.

April 2, 2010

Apparently the Republican National Committee accidentally listed a phone-sex number on a fundraising letter sent to potential donors. And across America husbands are telling wives who found their credit card statements “Really, honey, I was just trying to donate to the Republicans.”


The RNC accidentally listed a phone sex number on one of their fundraising solicitations. How potentially embarrassing! There are now all these phone sex workers who are afraid their parents might think they work for the Republican party.


California senate candidate Carly Fiorina was embarrassed earlier this week by sending a Passover greeting to her supporters which talked about “breaking bread” with friends and families. (Leavened bread is prohibited during Passover)

Fiorina apologized if any of her Jewish supporters and staff were offended, and said that in honor of the holiday, she promised to order all her campaign offices a specially made lunch of matzo-crusted pepperoni pizza.


Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at the Cleveland Airport when TSA officials found a loaded .45-caliber hand gun in his carry-on bag. Even Gilbert Arenas said “Dude, what were you THINKING?”


So what was the origin of April Fool’s Day? One guess, it started at Wrigley Field on Opening Day when a sellout crowd all insisted “This is our year to win it all.”


Of course, how many people in Chicago think that “Passover” just commemorates another year that a championship has passed over the Cubs?


According to Butler coach Brad Stevens, even though his local team is staying at a hotel Thursday and Friday night before their first Final Four game, the players still were shuttled to class Thursday and Friday morning. Said Duke’s Coach K and Michigan State’s Tom Izzo. “That’s discipline.” Said West Virginia’s Bob Huggins “What’s class?”

(For four of the years when Huggins was at Cincinnati he had a ZERO graduation rate.)

President Obama apparently had a very productive conversation with Chinese President Hu about the nuclear summit while Air Force One was idling on the ground at Andrews Air Force Base. If talking from a plane on the tarmac produces good results, just think what Obama could accomplish if he started flying JetBlue

Watching an ad for California Prop 16 – “Taxpayers’ Right to Vote” – which aims to keep cities and counties out of the power business. It’s backed by P G & E. Why does it seem like any time “Taxpayers’ Rights” are invoked in a proposition, it means big money for some corporation?